Lured to a fake wonderland
I grew jealous when you kissed the falling snow
Gliding along the ice, sinking between the cracks
It was a platonic toxin coursing through our veins
A beautiful creature of despair


Wake up in spring, lying in a grave
Lost in a dark forest unfolding our imagination
Obviate the worst night of our life
Surrounded by a million white coats crunching numbers
Watching experiments smouldering behind the glass
Strapped to tables, trapped by a colorful mind
I hardly recognize the reflection lost inside
When lurid collisions entertain these nightmares
The only thing left is scars

By summer, it's a world of tragedy
Giving into hate, accepting lies
Another roller coaster meant for a thrill
Bleeding through the neck of the hourglass
Slipping oozing black silk said to be medicine
Faceless, heartless breathing machine
Simulating numbers for accurate results
When there are no accurate answers
It's simply a beautiful stream of cold cases

Autumn floats away
Love closed the door
Left, an empty house
Not an echo, not a whisper, not a scream
Not a mutter, an apology
Just a bite of stone
Buried underneath a river of memories
Lost in a broken clock, still ticking
Forgotten in shattered words
A masterpiece disappeared in four seasons

I'm somewhere and nowhere.

Hear me out. This isn't meant to be profound or riddling, just me. Granted I throw up walls like a kid who ate too much cake on his birthday, but today its just me. I promise.

I know that can hard to believe, even for me. Some days I'm euphoric, some days I'm broken, or bitter or boisterous or batty. But today, I'm in between. Not in the extreme sense I'm used to, where I'm either depressed like crazy and happy like crazy and mad like crazy. None of me is crazy right now. And oddly enough that terrifies me.

I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. I'm not even feeling nothing. I'm ******* normal. I'm fine with where I am but at the same time I'm progressing forward, happily. Is this what it feel like to not be an alien?

My dad told me joking stories about how I was an alien dropped on the front yard when I was really young, but oddly enough he wasn't far off. I spent most of my childhood feeling incomplete, incomprehensible, like a human face hiding some sort of monster behind. I had a distinct instinct that the way I had to live through childhood was to hide, to keep secrets, to create parapets of stone around me to keep the people out, and to more importantly keep me in.

I grew up and hiding grew harder as the monster grew bigger, and I couldn't renovate fast enough for it. It eventually broke out of its stone home, and I was exposed. The alien girl was visible for all to see. It created chaos and it took a long time before I could feel human. I grew friends and a sewn together personality and threw my feelings into my writing, my work.

But today, something new happened. It was unlike any mood I had ever felt. I wasn't me anymore. Or, at least the me I had grown to know. I was exhausted but awake, and productive but not nearly as enthusiastic, and okay with who I was but willing to work towards something 'better'. I always considered better as something very subjective, but somehow today normal things seemed more... normal. Having a schedule, changing myself for the better even if I'm happy, setting random short term goals to make my life feel more... I don't know. Meaningful I guess? My life felt meaningful before but in this new body that feels so "normal" or "average", its like I'm working to be normal.

Its terrifyingly soothing. Its like the normal-ness lulls you into into thinking a normal life is ok. And not saying being normal is wrong. But I've lived a life being abnormal, being an outlier, an outsider, an oddity. This lullaby feels so wrong.

I always told I've learned to appreciate my condition because I don't think I could handle being normal, having less intense emotions, not understanding emotion so well. Its sounds stupid, it sounds like its glorifying mental conditions, but its not. I know the suicidal thoughts aren't good, and I know mania is danger. But I cannot help like feeling like I'm losing me.

I cannot even get myself to sob right now, or to even truly feel a suicidal thought. They won't stick. Not even for a minute. None of it. I;m ******* terrified but I can't feel I can't make myself feel who am I?

I can't be normal. I can't.

This is more maddening then the moods. Maybe I was hitting too close to home when I hypothesized a person from Wonderland would feel utterly insane in real life. Or worse, feel even crazier when sanity began creeping up on them.

I don't want to lose Wonderland. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. Who is residing in this body right now, whoever is containing my thoughts, it cannot be me.

I cannot let all of my insanity go.

Normal doesn't feel better, and **** all the people who think its the only way to go. Normal isn't an aspiration, its a cage, and I will not be imprisoned.

Al I can do is find a way back to Wonderland losing all control. I guess that's what I truly wanted. Not sanity, but control. Controlled chaos had always been a favorite of mine, after all. There is always a method to the madness, and I must find mine, because I certainly cannot live without it.

Who knew Grace would have to remember how to be crazy?

I refuse to be normal. I refuse to be in-between. I will always belong to Wonderland, to madness, and **** whoever says that's not a proper life.

Its the life for me, so frankly, I don't give a ****.

Today I fell down the rabbit hole
And I'm not coming back
All the thoughts inside my head
Were just too tightly packed

I hit the bottom and heard a Crack
Knocked loose all sanity left intact
Now I stand here looking back
And, all I can do is laugh

She crawled into a little door, her hot tears cast an ocean
Pinnafore and teacakes red as blood and torn
She's alone inside her head, in little orange bottles with gin
And he's the squiggle of lines clambering for attention
A bright cacophony of dreams and warped fixation
Sometimes chained and desolate, sometimes rambling with a grin
It's always him, and he can be quite charming
One's own mind can be a nightmare,
Madness always makes a precious friend

I'm stumbling
        Stumbling
           Tumbling
               Down a path of no return
You have lead me astray,
   Pushed me down the rabbit hole,
      With no rope to pull myself back up.
                            As I freefall I can't help but
     Let the thoughts consume my mind.
Will this dark tunnel end in Wonderland?
                                                                    Or will it leave me in Neverland?

~~Follow me down the rabbit hole he spoke,
To a place of delirium and fantasy.
Let your mind follow as your body stays.
As goosebumps creep up your skin.
Feel me when you laugh, little pinholes in your brain.
Run free with me dear Alice,  
For a trip to Wonderland.
Just rest that thin piece of paper on your tongue.
Come with me, old friend.~~

The mischievous Orange cat (is it really orange?) gives me that look, that kinda look that says "oh you can understand me huh?"
All of a sudden the trees lean in and look me directly in the face with that ancient glare of wisdom.
Wait.
The pond.
The pond fairies emerge from their hiding place to give their greetings as the sun shines down on their home.
Aaaannnd the enthusiastic dog jumps in to play but scared them away.
Wow, the mud is really good at massaging my feet.
Is that hill breathing???

The little girl
Just could not sleep
Because her thoughts
Were way too deep
Her mind had gone
For a Stroll
And fell down
The rabbit hole.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.

So this is the end.

This conundrum, this series I have created has been swirling on the tip of my tongue for months, and I have devoted my heart to it. Time is running out on this singular year, and everything will change in a moment. For now I will cherish the moment I'm in.

Bagels and cream cheese and coffee shops will be my home, I will splendor in them for as long as I can. I just cannot believe everything is changing. I was well aware it would change, said that it will change, but now that I am on the precipice I just want to take three steps back and tell Grace not to jump.

The one who I never expected is now gone for summer, and it broke my heart a little. The others are almost gone as well, and that breaks my heart a little. I will be back in the realm of the white rabbit and, though I miss him, one white rabbit does not account for seven unexpecteds

Down the rabbit hole I go again, to find another new wonderland. Grace is always changing, evolving, and this time I must do it without the aid of my friends. I will survive, likely, its just the loneliness that scares me. After months of being loneless, I just am not quite sure how loneliness will fit on me.

Just promise yourself to not go back to the dormouse and the queen of hearts, Grace. Promise you won't stoop that low. They have bottled and broken you, and you deserve better. You have better. Don't let their honey words and fake apologies change who you are.

So now its over. But it will be renewed, the time will come again for Grace to be in this neck of wonderland.

And for now I will be a survivor. A survivor of old wonderland, in hopes of getting back to new wonderland. I can almost touch it, taste it. It is only months away.

Then, I will be home again.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.