Its been a journey, Wonderland.

We have made it through this transitional time in which my tears lingered in my tear ducts, tentatively prepared for a turbulent tragedy. Often I did cry. For a long time I cried. But I don't cry as much anymore. I smile more, laugh more, love more. And I would have it no other way.

All my old Wonderland characters are gone. I have truly changed scenery,  gone to a place I have never known before, where my old friends can rarely follow. Except the white rabbit, of course, but I always knew, behind the fears, that I'd never lose him.

Now I am with my new friends, stronger friends, older friends, all led in a march by the one I never expected, who holds my heart more than any person ever has before.

I am content, Wonderland. I am content with you, with my life, even very content with this simple room I now sit in, typing away. Its all very pleasant. Imperfect, but pleasant.

For the first time in a long time, I believe I have found my place. I have found home, as I expressed awhile ago, I have found a place to be bare and true and me with my words and my letters and my nonsensicals.

This life is a Wonderland, and I live every day in affectionate wonder.

So here we go again, tumbling down a rabbit hole, insistent on trying to find something curiouser and curiouser.

Life is an adventure, and fortunately, or not so much, mine is a constant trip to Wonderland, through the Jabberwocky's lair and the Queen of Hearts' castle and the winding paths to the mad tea party, my favorite place to go. We're all mad here, and I revel in  it.

When I started this journey through Wonderland, I was certain it would be a place I hated, ahbored, feared, vilified. The wonder ****** me in, but once I was aware of my surrounding I didn't like so much anymore.

But now Wonderland is home, where my heart sets its beats and my brain rests its heavy head, where I sing goodnight moon to the stars and sleep in the soft glow of their shine. I love it. I love me. There is no one that this Grace would rather be.

I compare myself to Alice, but I feel more like a sister now, one going through her experiences but feeling differently than she ever would. True, we're both polite and curious and blonde and sweet, but her eyes shine blue while mine glow green, showing her sadness and my envy, causing a utter travesty to Wonderland between the two of us.

I was the girl who turned into the Jabberwocky, and it makes much more sense for her to defeat me. To lead me out of the darkness and into the light, making me remember who I was and who I want to be.

Anyway, Alice is a visitor of Wonderland. Grace lives here, knows nothing but here. She may traverse the human world every once in awhile, but Wonderland is where she has grown, where she will always belong.

For once I see Alice as my friends, my family, those I love. They curiously visit my Wonderland, they see its sights and its horrors, and they only come to visit when there is a great party or a great fear. They do not live here. Only I, only Grace, live here.

Maybe I should be less afraid of bringing another young girl into this Wonderland, for who better to help traverse it than the one who owns it? And if the daughter I bring only is a visitor too, that;s just as fine. As long as the love we have for each other is a shining beacon that lights up Wonderland even in its darkest hours. For her, Wonderland will try its best to be what it was made to be; Wonderful.

And to thank all those who have helped, those who have changed and been curious enough to enter my land so different from their own, I have but one name for the daughter, given I have her.

I'll name her Alice.

Sometimes life feels like Wonderland
When up does not seem to be up,
And down does not seem to be down.
When we start out with big ideas
And find ourselves hoping we don’t extinguish
as the variables in life keep changing.
Sometimes we find ourselves in worlds
Where “off with your head” seems a sensible quotation
And where rabbits with gloves does not seem unlikely.
These times are when we are closest to God
Somehow in the place where confusion meets consciousness
And logic meets emotion
In that place is a thing called truth
A being called God
And the core of what it is to be human.

Fall in love with a dreamer and he'll make you a cup of coffee. He'll promise to read you books through the night and love, he will hold you tight. With the windows open, the two of you shall gaze at the stars. Listening to each other's future, he will hum you a song with a moonlight from afar.

Fall in love with a poet and he'll make you his poem. He'll weave your favorite letters as he soothes your soul. He will bury himself in your lines as he reads your fears. He'll share laughters with you and will add no grief. With a story marked, he'll make your love a history. And darling, his musings will be sang as you live through.

Fall in love with an adventurer and he'll take you to your fantasies. He will take you on roadtrips, on places you wondered to see. While your song plays loud on the radio, the two of you shall be young in time. You are free to live, to shout 'till your breath is gone. Losing in wonders with him has never been this fun.

And when you fall in love with all of these, you shall fall in love with your world. You shall live in your mind. You will be trapped in your fantasy. Your wonderland.

we used to go back to your place at night
and stand by the window, watching
as the sky turned
blueblackpurple
a real rainbow
the stars exploding
and cows hopping

when the clock struck midnight but we
were simply background characters,
the story did not depend on
us.

back when the train never stopped
and we never stopped

and we would drive fast cars
draw on walls
beat the pavement with our feet as
we ran
royalty of the night
our crowns made of street lamps.

when the midnight wolves howled
and the midnight children howled
we stomped our feet and howled
like the animals we were

and it was beautiful
and we were beautiful

our bodies made of light


but now the magic is over
the illusion that we could ever be
more than we were
is gone

our bodies return
to the way they were
before

cold
hungry
our bones return to dust


sorry darling but
we are no longer
in wonderland

the clock is ticking off  one painful thousandth of a second at a time
i feel like alice chasing the rabbit
except you are the hole i'm falling through
if only time could stop
if only i could drop
the needle that you are
my drug
if only indulging
in hallucinogenic substances
would make it stop
the pain of you
the pain that's you
if only i could drop
the clock
and break it.
stupid alice, it's not a rabbit you're chasing
it's a maggot
and it's eating you
i
n
s
i
d
e
out

Dear friend, please come with me
And we will turn your chaos to beauty
In a place so far from here
Even in pure darkness we know no fear
A land where scarred birds fly
And once before they fell
But just like you and i,
They fought for their wings in hell

How was your dream
your sweetest fantasy
your new found reality
within limits of surreal

Have you found Alice
when she was just small
and the puffs of caterpillar
push you down the rabbit hole

How holy are you
when you reach for the clouds
your body is fluid
your soul is free