Of thinking of you
Of dreaming about us
Of wishing there was an "us"

I feel as if you have passed away,
gone away and won't come back to stay,

Like the rain that is scared to cry,
I have done all I can,

I have Tried,

So I sit each day outside
waiting for you to come back to me,

like the rain,
I stand over closed flowers,

I cry out for you,

as tears drip off my face,
rolling on unopened  petals,

as they take the rain's place,
unopened petals open up like new,

and I can only wish they were you,

but they are not,
moving away my crying eyes from now open petals,

but neither you nor the rain,
come back in time,

as I and the flowers rot.

I never known  what  you speak of


I've not obtained

what it is to sustain

a meaningful relationship


Seems I'm destiny to be alone forever


I've not grasped what it is to allow someone

to just be who they are


all I can see is my own imperfection in them


wanting them to be better

and
throw a fit when their so inadequate


more so

I'm the one whose lacking

and
fear changing


just in case they wont approve

I don't ask for validation

since
I validate myself


Isn't it still important

if we're reflections

of

  our love and relationship?


I've not yet understood this concept


since

I'm so used to doing it always on my own


with or with you.



More so with out then with...



Few have tried to show me


teach me


yet I've ran fearful of what COULD be

TOO scared afraid

I just cant be  hurt again

but no one understand that

Closed off from love so long


I've forgotten what its like

and

when I've had it


I've not known if it were real or fake.


Too many times

I've been lead to believe in the illusion

of love when it wasn't even true

How do you condemn me


when  

you've participated

in my demise to began with?



He told me we'd never part.

He too told me I was his heart.

This one said I was his only.

Another said he'd never leave me lonely!!!


Yet they've all left

weather I made it so or on their own

Too many times

I listen to a lie

yet I'm to blame

Somehow unbeknownst to me

its all ALWAYS my fault.


Til death do us part

was me dying each time he cheated

or how about them beating

I should stop blaming

and

take responsibilities for myself

for my actions

it's always someone else's fault

that

I'm how I am

but truth is it really has been

yet at my age shouldn't

I have to face facts....


I need to love me

give to me all they're unfulfilled promise's

left me longing craving needing and wanting.


Fix my own broken soul

I want to


I don't even know how


I lack the ability to move on


past the hurt

which consumes me

and yet

I want a

Meaningful Relationship*


Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

Crying,
I sit alone again
Wishing for you to return.

If only there were 1000 letters in the Alphabet
I wouldn't fail to find 5 to explain my affection for you I bet