I pulled the door open, prayed.
Hoped I wouldn't see your smile
bright and shiny behind the tile.

My breath died a moment, when I
heard my name in your voice,
my feet had to make a choice.

My eyes closed and I walked.
You small talked me,
as you stirred sugar in my coffee.

You asked about my weekend,
how Natalie's hangover faired.
My true feelings were dared.

"You want to know how I'm doing? I am
Livid.
Depressed.
Scared.
Distraught.

"I trusted you, Matt. You promised me! I BELIEVED YOU!

"Good-bye."

My eyes opened and I walked.
You small talked me,
as you stirred sugar in my coffee.

You asked about my weekend,
how Natalie's hangover faired.
My true feelings were spared.

"Thanks for the coffee."

I trusted too much.
Barricaded too late.
It's my fault.

I thought you were the exception,
but who am I to believe
any one would choose me?

who was there for you
when the voices in your head
wouldn't grant you access
to the land of dreams?

desperately screaming,
in your head,
your thoughts needed
a new home, besides your own mind

i was there
were they?

my heart is screaming
my stomach is upside down
my head is fluttered
somebody help me

Yeah, you're yelling louder,
but you're not feeling more pain.

what's more difficult than loving someone you knew could never love you in return?
what's more harder than keeping your feelings inside you for your friendship to sustain?
what's more painful than seeing someone you love, love another person as much as someone loves himself?
what's more farther than the distance between the two of you when you know that someone is only beside you?

how can an individual get through over this if giving up is not an option?
how can an individual stop that kind of feeling when an individual doesn't want to?
how can an individual not feel the pain when it hurts badly inside?
how can an individual escape this restlessness if that's the only thing an individual can do?

why do insecurities running over that individual?
why does someone can't return the love for an individual and left someone's present?
why can't an individual be just as happy as any person in the world?
why does someone can't see an individual through her strengths, love, and even her flaws?

when will an individual be waiting in vain?
when will someone appreciate individual's efforts?
when is the right time for an individual and someone if it exists?
when can an individual forget about every sacrifices she made for someone?

where can an individual find her own through times like this?
where can an individual get her own self-efficacy?
where on Earth will someone meet an individual for just the two of them?
where can an individual hide and cry if the world doesn't conspire her to be with someone?

who will be the involved persons that an individual may encounter during her worst?
who will be there for an individual if someone's already meant for another person?
who can mend an individual's broken heart just in case someone doesn't change his mind?
who should be the one to blame if everything goes wrong and none of you stay kind?

should an individual wait for someone to arrive knowing that someone can't not stay in another person's side?
should an individual have high hopes knowing that another person won't let her someone go to others?
should someone be at least aware of an individual's feelings for her?
should it be the right time for someone to know?

can these questions be answered by someone?
can an individual stop her feelings to have no more trouble?
are you hurting because someone has no answer to these questions?
are you dying because someone can't love an individual?

that's the reality. it hurts.

When you feel like you're screaming but your throat has stalled like a decrepit engine
Even as the fear rises akin to bile in your lungs and your senses are drowning in confusion
You keep screaming because your heart wants to still its own pulse
You know that feeling where you wake up heart racing breath huffing cold sweat on your brow
They say its because your heart rate dropped so low your brain defibrillated your heart to keep you alive
Its worse when you've just been dreaming
It takes your dreams whatever kin they be and Ends them
Ends you.
You wake up
    You wake up
        You were falling
            You were about to die.
And then you look at the calendar and go 'I have to do things today.'
And you wish your heart was still falling.
Singing a song you never heard before but which you loved because it was so Alien to the idea of you
You think, don't give up, don't give up, and you make it a mantra.
Your heart beats to that rhythm like your brain sending you memos of its continued survival.

You are still screaming on the inside. You put some music on to drown yourself out. And you are at 'peace'.

We'll hide when the storm comes upon us
I'll cover you and keep you protected

I'll carry the weight of your dreams
You'll only carry my love

My every breath is yours
Ask for them anytime I won't hesitate

My soul belongs to you too
Ask for it and I'll lay it before you

I'll be your shade from searing sunlight
I'll be your light in invincible dark

I'll be warmth when you're cold
I'll be the savior to whom you'll hold on

I'll be the hand who'll steady you
I'll be the one who'll heal you

Because, love, you're the one who defines me
I'm the darkness of light but I'll save you

I'm concrete, I have no breaking point
Except just one and it's you

Don't cry, love, I'll shatter
A chasm will sink into my soul and I'll scatter

And I'll break with a faint mist
No sound, no screams just one wish

That if I break and you'll never cry again
I'll die again and again until I drink all your pain

And bury it within me where you'll never find it.
Because it's so dark here inside and no light is lit

I'm asking the first time and the last
Please don't ask me to return your pain

And those tears and scars and cracked hope
And the broken dreams and gray rainbows

That's the past, love, just move on
Don't be scared, I'll never leave you alone

For I've loved you for so long
And now I can't turn back for I'll be lost

because I don't know for whom to look for
Because I don't know what I was before

I just remember the darkness before you came
The infinity of silence, screams and shame

The black nightmares and fallen fate
Bleeding words and burning hate

The chasing vacancy and inflating hollows
It was deep within, I wasn't shallow

I swear I felt my bones break
I swear I felt the emptiness wake

And claw at my insides
And All I could was hide

So I hid and screamed
And you found me with fissures and seams

I unraveled and let you heal me
for I didn't have the strength anymore

You took my breaths and filled me with yours
And looked into my eyes and told me you love me.
      
                                                                            -MAY

I will call to you in the thorny wilderness,
If only you would comprehend each syllable of my name.
I will scream out in roses laid before me,
If only I didn’t know of the precision it takes to use a knife,
I will recite all the different train of thoughts that consume my being,
Often leaving me stranded in the abyss,
If only I was not a product of emotional turmoil,
If only you could turn my pages the way I longingly brush through those in my books,
But I’m just a lifelong series of disturbing motives,
So I will not call out to you,
Even in my darkest dreams,
Somehow I will find the strength to forgive you when I lay my entire being down,
But until then,
I pray that God forgives me.