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Autumn Jul 2019
hands wrinkled and pruned
from ****** city water
the **** labeled blue "C"
tweaked all around

no red warmth

tonight I hold myself
contortion my arms and legs
until I'm small enough to fade
into the corner of the bed

no human skin

imaginary monsters hissing
hibernating over five years
they want to come out again
sink their teeth into my brain

no reliable breath

my pathetic veins stay blue
squeezing my cold body for safety
to no avail, my lungs remain stretched
about to rip down the middle
Autumn Jan 2019
Our innocence is forgotten.
It becomes smoke and rises
away from us, away from reality

A different reality is unearthed
from dread and self hate.
It bleeds into us like acid

No longer are we humming crushes’ names

Or passing simple “check yes or no” notes

Or swimming as mermaids in backyard pools

We are drugged up mental patients
We are flesh lights that cry silently
We are reborn into ash under feet.
Everyone is going through **** and no one is happy
Autumn Jan 2019
Something funny about airports
My childhood
Teenage independence
Young Adulthood

Two hours
I said goodbye to you
One week from now

I’ll see you again

But airports are funny
My body thinks I’m leaving you
Until next summer
My body’s been conditioned

To believe goodbye means indefinitely

I know you may not get it
And that’s okay
Please don’t think I’m being clingy
When I say “I’ll miss you”

The fiftieth time

It’s just a Proustian moment
juicy mint chewing gum
with crackling eardrums
Sends me back in time

To that funny thing about airports

Where hellos are met with goodbyes

Impatiently, I wait

When the goodbye is met with hello
Autumn Oct 2018
I'm crashing again
into a new person
for a better love

Discrepancies in timing
Are we meant to be now?
or is this another wrong day

New love is steel blocks on your chest
precariously balanced
between heaved breathing

and a pierced heart

while wings flutter in your belly
and ghosts of heartbreak past
play home movies only you can see

I like him.

He likes me.

We're about to trip into a beautiful oblivion
Autumn Mar 2018
When I arrive to work
My breath doesn't reach
the fullness of my lungs

My focus zooms on the board
"Harry" I search for in marker
next to a time stamp

Will you be here today?
I can't decide if I want to see you
If you'll break my emotional wall

Or snap my butterflies back to life,
setting fire to my cheeks
and earthquakes to my stomach

Minutes go by. Really, hours.
My body is turned for dishes
My mind is on you

"Next on Five!" A ripple down my arms
Through my fingers into water
I want to turn, but rules

[don't show too much interest]

[wait three days to text him]

[intensity scares him, don't show how you really feel]

[don't act crazy]

"Next on Five!" My neck receives a thought
before it reached my brain
His stupid dorky smile

I look at him
willing him to look at me
I feel butterflies starting fires
a work affair. am I crazy or do I always love intensely? Which is worse?
Autumn Mar 2018
"I hope you're doing okay"
Is all I want to say
I won't ask questions
Just send you videos of kittens

Because your smile is a sunrise
And when I see the flecks in your eyes
I get high. Is that selfish?

I hope you let yourself feel something
other than steel
Because I care for the full heart that's beating
under your warm metal skin

I hope you let me trust you
Because I do
I want to show you the dark that holds hands
with my light

I struggle, like you, like most
but you weaken my anxiety
Your laugh hugs my sadness
and caresses my bones with more light

Please, don't be afraid of me
Know that you can trust me
with the stormy nights
and fallen trees in your forest

Let me hug your sadness
caress your bones with light
I don't have much to spare
but for you, I'd share
I know you're struggling, but please know you don't have to hide it from me
Autumn Mar 2018
Is it crazy to want to be near him?
To want to touch and feel

Am I a wet blanket?
Do I exude desperation
Enough toxic pollution
To keep you a planet away?

Effort becomes useless
No, forever it has been so
Clouds gloss over it until
The descent into embarrassment

Falling past mourning the night
Plummeting through “Why did I think he’d want to?”
Till my body parts splatter over his eyes
He still won’t know how much longing he puts me through
I just want to be near you. You make me warm
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