i live in a constant state
of ignoring deadlines
and instead taking my due dates
with poetry

every excursion leaves me thinking
what a day, what a night
what a thought, what a line
what a moment.

what if i use this or that rhyme?
i find it sublime, i have lost track
of time, but found me in spaces
carved out between lines
the moments between thought
of whats next in my mind
what word would be one of a sort?
i assort them -

they advance. i am weak,
they assemble. these words a worthy match for me
win me over - i rage no war
just wave my flag, surrender once more
we have done this before, a repeat, i am familiar
i know better, but i am a word *****.
self control is out the door
and i let him walk. i hope he runs far away
so my words and i can stew a bit longer.
i don't want it to end. i am tired of talking in numbers.
i am tired of making sense. i just want to play.
lets have a word day. or two, or three, or five.
i can multiply words if you give me the chance
professor, accept my submittance. my poems provide
no wrong answers. no prompt, sit and listen.
maybe its your turn.

Who am I?
I’m Juliana.
I am what I obsess over.
I am who and what I love.
I am that book that I cannot stop reading.
I am those John Green quotes.
I am Hamilton, and Rent, and Dear Evan Hansen.
I am who I am with my friends,
and who they make me want to be.
I am those kids that I see whenever I close my eyes,
and they are my dream that needs to come true.
I’m a lover.
I’m a dreamer.
I’m an artist.
I’m a hypocrite.

I try to be a good person.
I try to imagine others with complexity.
I try to be enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness.
I try to belive that I will see those kids one day.
That they’ll get to call me Mom.
That I’ll get to read them my favorite books before bedtime
and see them grow up; and have kids and dreams of their own.

I try not to be someone who lets ADHD and Anxiety control my life.
But it does.
When I tell my Anxiety to shut the hell up,
it lets my ADHD go wild.
And when I calm myself down,
it just gives my Anxiety back the reins.

I say I image others with complexity,
but that just means putting them in more than one box and narrowing them further.
I read the same book over and over and over again
because I know I can’t create anything better.
So I don’t even try.
I wish I was someone who tried.

I know that if Colton magically came alive,
he’d shoot me.
We could never be the friends we are in my head.
He’d never show me the sides of himself I know he has,
because I’m me.
I’m not special.

What is love?
Why does it exist?
Is it just a thing that blinds us from our realities,
or is it reality itself?
Why am I on this earth,
moving around this galaxy,
floating in this universe?
Is it the only one out there?

Is there a version of me without her head in the clouds?
One who is happy.
One who doesn’t talk every second of the day,
but also doesn’t care if she does?
Is there a version of me who will get those angels?
Who will be the Mom I want to be,
who I know they deserve?
Or is this me.
The person in front of you,
the only me I will ever get.
The is both the best and worst version of myself,
doing everything wrong but yet trying her best to do it right.

I want to be happy.
I want to be proud of the people and the things that I love.
Whether they’re fictional or not.
I want to be me.
I want to say: this is me.
I want to be confident in who I am.
I want to not be a hypocrite.
So how am I doing so far?

That could have been me
I could have been gone
I wish you had seen
Or talked to someone

I never knew you
You were so pretty
You’d say it’s not true
If you were here with me

He looked at me, angry
He had not a clue
One day maybe they’ll see
That I’m just like you

I’ll never forget
I’ll miss you forever
I won’t ******* quit
No matter the weather

In this day and age,
The mysterious ways
Of men and their money
Fill all of our days.

A hashtag,  an update,
A notification.
Just to remind me
Of my situation.

Three years on the streets
Meant nothing to me,
But it showed me a world
Few ever should see.

Now Texas takes notice,
Financial aid!
The catch is,  of course,
My ****** GPA.

They do this on purpose.
I'm ignorant? My ***!
"You've got seven hundred dollars
To spend before class."

"You can buy anything here,
No gift cards, of course. "
I said "this isn't a buffet;  
That's a smorgasbord! "

Give me three new shirts,
All the books for my classes,
A new backpack,  a hoodie,
Alumni- framed glasses.

Then,  send me an email,
At nine in the morning
That I'll be dropped
by four p.m. without warning!

So much for sleep.
It's time for *******.
Because these ****** people
Are pulling THIS **** again.

Loan counseling? What's that?
"In forty- eight hours
The approval will come back. "

Are you being serious?
I'm better off smoking crack!
Just give me my education,
And stay the hell off my back!

even the name of this place makes me sick to my stomach

maybe that’s why

Two tall, spotlessly white pillars stand in front of me,
looking through, blue sky and white clouds come into view.
Sitting on a wooden bench with faded paint,
Thinking, dazing, confusing.
Looking up, the dazzling sunshine leap to my eyes,
Reflecting the flag waving in the middle.
A few sparrows fly across the sky,
Several squirrels ran across the lawn.
Taking a deep breath,
I can taste the cold breeze.
Suddenly the calm was broken by the rumble,
Looking down, turned out to be a car passing by.
These remind me of something,
That spring is far away,
Deep and unforgettable.
Memories will not fade,
Stories don't get old.

I am all the books I’ve ever read, all the movies I’ve ever seen, all the songs I’ve ever heard
I am the snippets of conversation I overhear in the dining hall
I am the scribbles on the chalkboard of my 11 am class
I am the coffee stains on my mother’s mail
I am the torn out pages of my journal
I am the whispers in library study rooms
I am the thumping music of the club I am too young to be in
I am the blood dripping from a wound made too fast too deep too careless
I am the popping in my ears as my plane steadily ascends beyond heights any person should go
I am the angry yelling I try not to hear
I am the deafening silence I wish would be interrupted
I am the heartbeat racing faster and faster and faster as I lay completely still in bed, head covered my my blanket
I am the too-loud laughter in early hours of the morning
I am the tears blurring vision as I receive bad news
I am hope
I am fear
I am hate
I am love
I am everything

Sometimes I see
The world in black and white,
Whether I'm relaxing in my bed,
Playing Minecraft,
Or running a mile.

Trying to get biology
OUT of my head!

I'm guessing that I've grown horns!
I'm guessing I'm human no more!
But I'm sorry,
I needed a break.
I needed to say:
I'm over this thing called, school!

I want to go home.
I want to stay there.
I want to not finish my homework.
I want to live my life free
From the eternal chains
Of torment and classrooms,
Filled with books,
More than I could ever read.

Please let me out,
I'm willing to take a leap.
I'm willing to take a risk.
Please let me have a break,
My brain feels as though it might break.