You're leaving
It's time to go
The engine's running
I knew this day was coming
Your mind's made up
About leaving us behind
For a new place to begin

You made my scars
Bloom into flowers
But soon your affections
Grew sour
You breathed out your love
Through late night phone calls
Quiet whispers
Willing me to fall
That you'd be there
Through it all
But is it love
If your actions left me
Breathlessly broken
Begging to be set free?
Is it love
When you painted
Purple bruises on my heart
And slowly, but surely
Tore me apart?
2 years down
Your games continue
And I'm still around
My skin is thicker
Than when we met
My heart is wiser
And that is why
I took the decision
To finally say goodbye

i wanna sit next to you
and watch that smile spread across your face
and i wanna kiss you, run my hand across your face
but...
i wanna hurt you.
feel the tears roll down my face.
i wanna scar you.
in your heart, without a trace.
i want your eyes to know the shadow in my heart, deep within your own.
i want your eyes to know all the blackness and the pain that you.put.here.
you put it here.
the lines you drew to cover up my smiles were all too dark.
and it seems they won’t erase
and i want you to know how
this beating red soul
turned to black marble, from one heartbreak.

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul
Look into my eyes to see my truth
My soul is in pieces
Shattered by the last person who I let in
That person took a piece with them, I'll never see it again

I saw you, so beautiful and selfless
Willing to put me together
And share your soul with mine
To make me whole
I know you wont break my fragile soul
You'll strengthen it,
you'll make it tough
So I can stand on my own
So I can fight for myself
To find my missing piece

Have some patience
I know they hurt you
but I am trying to stitch them
with my shades of true

and please remember
I have my scars too
for the wound you made
still give me pain

Now will you plaster mine?
or are we going to keep
opening them and watch
each other bleed?

All the boys that once lived in my heart,
they made bruises
and bruises gone
But you
made a wound
and wound however
leave scar

I always believed scars were so beautiful,
until I became one.
A walking, breathing, talking scar - an unchanging reminder of what was and what shall never be again.

I became the scar reminiscent of our love- or rather my love because you were the definition of unrequited
and I used to like that about you - your unwaveringly selfish nature, I used to accredit it to your self belief but then I realised you got that from stripping away mine.
Bit by bit you became who you were by chipping away at pieces of my soul.
Catching the dust of all my dreams and beliefs in your hands and then sifting through it to get what you needed.

Some days you needed a lover.
You needed the heat of my hands raw against the planes of your back- which I had studied in such a neurotically engrossed manner-that surprised even you.
Other days you needed a slave, bent upon raw knees to serve your every whim
and not in a ****** sense because you made it clear that I was repulsive to you most of the time.
No,
you needed someone to serve you and worship at the temple that was your being. You needed a women to be enslaved to your love. You needed to be served and ushered and elevated with no emotional connection. You needed an unchanging commitment that only served you.  

You see, I was forever trying to be what you needed and in that attempt-that feigned attempt at what I used to believe was love, I lost myself. Wading through parts of you that you didn't even care to understand I lost myself.
Raw on my knees.
Wading barefoot through your soul.
Between the sheets- crawling towards you milimeter by milimeter only for you to move further each time.
Tracing the planes of your burning back.
That's when I lost myself,and became a scar. Evidence of all the times you hurt me in a marvelously unflinching and unforgiving way...

All of which I realised when I was destitute.
You see you used to be my home but then the season of our love expired and you threw me out and as I walked the streets of my new life, navigating what it meant to exist without you, I had an earth shatteringly glorious ephiphany - that loving you and being destitute were the same thing.

So here I am. A scar that walks and talks and breathes and the great thing about this scar is that I'm evidence of a healed wound. I am no longer raw from loving you and I am no longer lost. I'm a *** who smiles with no teeth.

put your phone down
quit it with the selfies
i know those smiles aren't real
put that cancer bringing stick away
talk to me instead
i'll listen to what you have to say
let me be like the pillow
you whisper your dreams to
when no one else is around
let me be your friend
i only ever see you at parties
but i notice
i noticed the scars
and i noticed the bruises
and with every one out the door
when it's all finally over
i notice how you always stay behind
to help clean up
it's always my friends' parties
they aren't your friends but you help
with you trying to be nice
don't you just want
someone to be nice to you as well?
i can be that person
i will be that person
because i used to be the person you were
battered and everything much worse
but what's really got me irked
and conflicted
is how you can be nice to others
but not to yourself
is why you add trouble to your problems
rather than trying to rid of them
put the phone down
happiness isn't something you can fake
put that stick away
yes, the smoke you puff out
it's beautiful
only because it came from your lips
but remember
stress isn't something you can be free from
those sticks won't help
they could but only for a little while
never permanently
that phone and that stick is not your friend
but i can be
just look at me
talk to me

Today,
Something bit me,
An insect of some sort.
The next thing i know,
My whole right arm was swollen.
I coudnt bare the pain.
Tears run down my face.
I can feel the wound pounding, literally.
This wound reminded me of you.
How I dont know how to get rid of you.
How numbingly painful it is to feel you.
How i know that you will be gone
After a few days,
few minutes,
few seconds.
But the thing is,
I will never forget the pain
because of the scar you left
on my impeccable heart.

I am not beautiful...
        I am choked up tears, cover-up smiles
        the kind of light that turns you blind
        from having too less or more than enough.

I am not beautiful...
        I am scratched out scars, burnt out heart
        the kind of storm that wrecks up lives
        creeping stealthily through the night.

I am not beautiful...
        I am not your quintessential girl
        the kind that walks with a perfect stance
        swaying waist of 26" and pretty face all made up

I am not beautiful...
      I am edges and curves, messy hair and everything you *never dreamt of
       The kind that repulses you by skin, and attracts you by mind
       Someone you'll never know because. . .

I am not beautiful.