i don't recognise the "girl" in the mirror anymore,
is she still there??
maybe crushed inside
the stars still burn bright just too deep for anyone to see them, or for her to see them
if i'm so uncomfortable in this body why am i still in it
i don't want to play the part anymore
i'm lost, i need to find me
however, there's something comforting about no-one seeing you, but when you leave it too long you can't see you either

parts of you can reappear,
like when you buy a new shirt,
it fits unlike the ones that cling,
you can hide in this one
but it's made for someone else
someone they don't expect you to be
and someone no-one wants you to be
but who do i want me to be
i want to be able to look in the mirror and like what i see, or even just accept it and feel safe within that body that isn't just a skin like this

I don’t know what to call you and I
I don’t know that what I feel is concrete
So, do I want you because of how badly you want me?
So, do I want to spend every waking moment talking to you because of how you give me light?
I don’t know what to call what we do at your apartment
I don’t know what to say when people ask if I’m seeing someone
When I am with you I feel like I am playing house
So, now what do I do to make it feel like home?

i feel safe within the darkness
so when it's taken away
where can i feel safe

save me
a seat on your ride home.

I’m scared
that I will lose my way.

help me
travel back safely.

please,
I beg.

Your heart is simply your home.
It is your safe place.
Family consists of the things living in that ticker;
it consists of the things you hold close in those chambers.

‘You can choose your friends but not your family,’
I am told by my parent who has caused me the most harm alone...
but with the force of the wind I push against those groans.

The roots of my family tree do not match past generations.
The roots connect to my heart and mine only;
the veins that decorate the walls of my home.

So I bid you goodnight now a stranger to me,
for I am finally free to be with my true family —
I am safe here with my created bloodline,
living happily in this little heart of mine.

hardwood memories
well-rooted, time-tested, safe
~ hiking in mind's woods






Mark Toney © 2021