It made me
Sick.

The kind of sick
That books describe
As green,
Ghostly skinned
With red rust noses.

Sick to my stomach
Like when you wake up
At 2:00 AM
And realize that
Something
Is
Not
Right
Before you sprint
Down the hall
To the bathroom
And ***** pizza bagels into the
Pristine marble sink.

It made me sick like
When it gets so bad that
Blowing your nose hurts
Because the extra soft Kleenex
Have scratched your skin raw
Over
And
Over
Again.

It made me sick
When I realized
That it wasn't you that I loved
But the feeling of being loved.

The realization that you had gone
Hit me harder than ever before
Pulling the air from my lungs
As if I had just taken a vicious blow
Every muscle in my body froze
Nothing had the desire to move
For fear that I'd slip even farther
Tumbling down this dark path
I pressed pause, looking for rewind
But life doesn't operate that way
A desperate cry for help escaped
As violent rivets cycling through
This broken and unwilling soul
Searching endlessly for someone, anyone
It was then that I sadly realized
No one was ever truly there

If eyes are the window to the soul,
Yours are fake,
My mistake.

Maybe people tend to be hurt
to know that it's not all about
p a i n
but
*realizing that there are more great things they deserve

and just for some reason
I discovered that I deserved better
than I what I was receiving.

12.13.14 this day, my day
I was given another year to live
Another year to grow
Another year to start a new

This day have made me realize
Realize that I have to let you go
Let go of the thoughts of you
Let go and never have to look back

I was then never remembered by you
I was never been special for you
I can say you were never mine
And I will never be yours

I have thought for days and hours
But you never remembered my day
As you have told me you would be
Would be there when it will come

I hope every time I scratch his back
And whisper in his ear
You feel it
I hope it makes you feel sick to
Your stomach
And I want you to dance with her
To our song
At your first concert together

Her finger nail marks
And purple love wounds
Will have my DNA all over you
It's gonna be me punching you in the gut
When she doesn't return your texts
Or calls anymore

I'll knock the air out of you when you can't accomplish something
I'm the slamming doors and broken pencils
All around you

Every pill you take for the next
10 years
Will have my initials on it

My insanity
Will make you puke your brains out
And you can call me crazy
But insanity is beautiful
And you're gonna get bored
Without me

The ugliness of normality
Will wrap around your face
And try to stick it's fist in your mouth

You'll gag until you say my name in vein

The dots in every punctuation mark
At the end of every sentence
You'll ever mutter
Will be one of my blinks
From waking up in the middle of the night
To find you with someone else
Asleep

My therapist will get all of the gifts I gave you
And they will hoard the memories
So I don't have to anymore

I've been doing well, only a couple stitches.
But how do u heal a scar that can't be seen
You're the thread and I'm the wound
But we are both the blood

You'll wake up to me screaming in your dreams
To find rose petals all over ur bed
Thorns in ur ankles

Sorry you had to speak at my funeral

I was ready
Two years
countless single-person
arguments

Countless late nights
Dozens of dreams
and thousands of thought threads
later

I was ready
And then you waltzed
out of my life
without even knowing

That you had crushed the chances
and pushed away
a long overdue apology

I'm sorry
I was ready
and
**I'm sorry

One dull grey day had just passed
Leaving me feel like an outcast
Then thinking of what had gone wrong
For me not to feel strong.

As I think deeper
The thoughts are getting weirder and creepier
Making me feel like lost in a crowd
Making me shout out loud.

When I am already calmed down
I shook my head and frown
Realizing I have more important things to do
That to keep on feeling so blue.

So I stood up with my head held high  
And said, "I am now ready to fly"-
Fly away from my sorrows
And look up for better tomorrows.