She abandoned me,

     The white plastic I inhaled

     Scared her away.

Her absence left me

Full of emptiness.

A pining paradox.

          Perhaps it’s time

         To stop taking those pills

~k.hem

I desperately ransack
Crumpled sheets and pillows
Hunting for you
At any time of day
As the sun glares at me
Shining rays of duty onto
My faded features
And bloodshot eyes

When I can't find you
Sparks bury under my skin
But when I turn
It's just the sunlight
Turning me into liquid wax
My eyes dissolve but
I don't care
They deserve to be punished

You're always out at night
I ring the bell so much
That I get tinnitus
But sacrificing my hearing
Is all for nothing
Because you leave my offering
Bleeding in its temple
The scornful God you are

You want me to use pills
To hunt you down but
I won't satisfy your desires
I know you like a game
But your opponent
Is apathetic towards life
Your worst fear
How can you twist numbness?

So we intertwine
A symbiotic relationship
You need me to have you
To exist as an action
This brinkmanship
Might push me to the edge
But I can live on the brink
Can you?

13 pills
5 in the morning
8 in the evening

I have to swallow them
One by one
Just to stay sane

They catch in my throat
Choke my screams on their way out

Keep my tears at bay
Before they fall

They slow the voices
In their chatter

Keeping the anxiety
From grasping and pulling at my heart
And pooling in the pit of my stomach

Or...

At least they're supposed to.

But my screams
Still stain the air

I still hear voices
Bouncing back and forth
In my skull

My heart clenches
My stomach tightens
With the anxiety that is supposed to be gone

And still I swallow
8 pills each night
5 pills each morning

13 pills each day

I won't call it a disease,
I'll call it this This instead.
Tired of sitting in meetings
about meetings.
Tired of swallowing pills
stacking up bills.
This is what I live with
and "it must be so hard"
but I'm strong.
A strong woman searching
to be weak.
Using various techniques
to dodge a flaming hot tear.
Because I cannot bear
watching myself crumble
at the expensive of evil emotions.
So I unconsciously chose
This instead of emotion.

I take one to keep the blues away;
One so I don't peel my skin like a banana;
One so I can sleep without being chased by death;
One so I don't jump out of the car on the highway;
One so I don't run down the street naked talking about ethical consumption under capitalism;
One so I don't cry about the sad looking potato chip;
One to **** the pain in my heart;
One so I can focus on my school work;
One so I don't tell my teacher he looks like a bridge troll;
And one so I don't fall in love with you.

Black and yellow heart breaks,
dangerous knife throws and the empty bombs,
full of ;
Laughter,
Gambling,
Recognition,
Divorce.

Here comes the faceless man,
Pleased by her stretched thighs, the sweaty cigarettes she burns one after another & her thick eyes,
He says

"I want you to look ugly"

"Is that a fantasy?" she asks

"Yes," he says, "it's been a thousand years,
thirty-minute hands & 60 pills!"

"Ooooh"

"Look," he says, "I want you to set me on fire, now!" & takes a **** in an art museum behind a Picasso masterpiece.

"All right," she says, "let's wait for a while, come on back to bed!"

The faceless man instantly crawls towards a dry quiet kiss where innocence and vulgarity both are so awkwardly present...


- Samar Charulingah Godfrey