i remember how we first started talking
you sounded so nice yet intimidating
and i guess i was already attracted by then
i remember how i fell and what made me fall
it was all the small things
it was the moments we shared
i remember the way you say hello when you answer the phone
and the different tones you have depending on all your different moods
and i remember, how each and every tone sounds like
i remember the different laughs you have
and how horrible it could sound sometimes
but i loved it all
because it made me laugh too
i remember how much you love nuts and your top three favorites
macadamia, almond, hazelnut
i remember your love for snakes
you would send me pictures and videos of them
you learnt about them in class and you would get home and call me to tell me everything
oh actually you do that every single day
for your every single module
the passion you had in your voice
gets me smiling all the time
and i would just keep silent and listen to you
and when you were done i would say i love you
and i could hear you smile when you say that you love me too
i remember the way you would sit and study when you are stressed
i remember the way you study
i remember your favorite brands
i remember how you would ask me to call and accompany you as you do your laundry and how friendly you were when you bumped into people
i remember our **** competitions and i actually remember how some of yours sounded
it was disgusting
but i loved you more than ever
i remember the way your eyes changed when your emotions changes
i remember how they would look at me and say a thousand words to tell me how much you love me
and i would do the same
then i remember how i would close my door
switch off the lights
due to the time difference the night would still be young for me but not for you but you would wait for me
then i would call you
and sometimes you would cry cos we didnt manage to talk the whole day and you missed me so much
so did i (i still do)
i would then sing you to sleep with my horrible singing
then in between my singing i would ask you to drink water cos i was afraid you were not drinking enough and i would always remind you that our *** has to be transparent not yellow and it cracks you up every single time
so you will drink and i remember how it sounds like when you drink from your bottle and the stupid sounds you would make while drinking and how you would giggle cos you found it funny
and when you start saying **** in every single sentence you say
i knew you were sleepy so i would keep singing and singing
till i could hear you breathe heavily
and i would call your name and there will be no reply
then i would say good night and i would beg you to wake up the next day
cos i need you
i should have hung up after you fell asleep but i didnt
i listened to you sleeping, breathing heavily and steadily
sometimes snoring so loudly
sometimes sleeptalking in some foreign language
that was what completed my day and night

i remember so much still
and as much as i want to forget them
these little moments and things about you
add up to all of you
and its the only way i could have you during the loneliest of times.

You're in the tap of my foot
As I wait for the bus
In every song we used to sing.
Though it would be good
To forget about us
I remember every little thing.

I love it when her feet twist and turn
when she speaks in front
I love it when she clasps her hands together
like a married couple separated, coming together again

I love it when her eyes dart around
to the clock
to her friends
to me
the things those eyes have seen
and the things those eyes show me
they’re like
a whole new world
a different experience

I love the way her face moves
like the oceans
each wave similar to the next
but never the same
I love
The way she pouts
when I ask her “what’s wrong?”
The way she bites her lips
The way her eyebrows scrunch together
when she doesn’t understand something
The way lips curve when she’s thinking
The way she smiles when she looks at the person she loves

I love it when she thinks
about a million different things
all at the same time
I want to reach out and grab each thought
sift them
and filter out the bad from the good
All she needs to know, anyways
is that she’s beautiful

I love her hair
the way she smells
No I’m not a creep
She smells so **** amazing

I love
patting her head
and when she lies down to rest
and laying my hands on her when she looks sad
so that I could pray for her

I love it when she asks me “what’s wrong?”
even if she has a multitude of other things on her mind
I love how she makes time to let me talk about my problems
I love how she saved me from my lowest lows
She will never understand
how much I need a friend like her in my life
the way she cares for me
nobody will ever be able to show it exactly the same

I love it when she sings
her voice gives me goosebumps
it makes the hair on my skin stand
her angelic, God given voice
has an effect on me like no other
the way she says each word with all of her heart
and means them
it breaks me
every time she sings a sad lyric
because I know she feels it
with everything she has
she feels it

I love it when she speaks to me
the care and concern in her voice
I’ve never felt from anyone else
she guides me
she keeps me sane
she lets me know she’s there
when I’m in pain (wow it rhymes!)

I love it when she’s hyper
like a little super charged bunny
excited
so pure and innocent
adorable

Her crooked smiles
Her fake frowns
Her little quirks
The way she walks
And so so so much more
I love her
all of her

Little girl
Big dreams
Bigger shoes
Small esteem
Shoes to fill
Space to grow
Fears to face
Love to show
Place to be
Things to learn
Hope to find
More to earn
Little girl
Big dreams
There’s more to find
Than what it seems.

i think i feel every single tiny
earthquake
in my big bed
alone
[which i love]
because inside
i am always
quaking.

There
she
sat; little,
short
and cute.
holding
magic
stick.
...give
blank
page, a
salute.

© J-d S. J

What am I hoping to find?
My hands smell of cigarettes,
But the nicotine won't calm my mind,

I want to feel alive
Stuck in this world, but I'm blind
Because you left when I was five

Daddy's little girl, ain't so little any more
Can't quit smoking, can't quit drinking, a crazy *** drive
All 'cause she watched Daddy walk out with some *****

When she was small all was well
Even when she heard slam the door
All had to be well, so she wouldn't tell

Why are you back?
In the past, I don't want to dwell.
It's giving me a panic attack.

I'm sorry I'm drinking, I inherited that from you.
I'm sorry that I'm smoking, inherited that too.
I'm sorry I'm *****, guess the depictions of "Daddy issues" are true.
I'm sorry that I'm seventeen, and for everything I do.