Half of my time alive I've been on the cusp of suicide.
An ideal that is swayed by either a state of depression or just a lack of drive.
The other half, bareable pain spattered with glimpses of true happiness, which I can't seem to hold on to.
I've experimented (usually in depth) these different methods of obtaining something.
Not knowing what I had been looking to obtain.
Just some sort of fulfillment.. or purpose or whatever we're supposed to gain in order to ease the pain of existence.
Excuse me for being so blunt but, this light.. this fleeting light..
A light that taunts me like the ideal i earlier spoke of yet I'm only ever granted glimpses of what it can do.
It begs the question, what about all of the moments when I thought I grew?
I did all the things my sponsors said.. my therapists, my mentors.
Yet this light continues to remain unattainable.
I'm screaming at myself "please, let somebody love you!"
And logically, I know, when you tell me that I'm capable of being free, I'm worth the love you're trying to give me but surely enough I continue to push it away.
I can't seem to escape myself, so the best thought I've yet to come up with is to escape myself.
Living life in what is clearly insanity I can't help but to continue to live.. on the cusp of suicide.

You are not the one!
Were you ever the one?
Was I ever in love with you?
Or just in love with your validation?

For we are puzzle prices from different problems.
I can't figure you out.
Our edges touch seamlessly but in your world I'll never fit.

You are not the one, not matter much we push.
I think its best we move on.
You go back to the centre of your universe.
And ill find my place on my own.

Afraid to fall in love
And to fall out again.

Afraid to move forward,
To fall down in the end.

Afraid to feel,
To finally get hurt.

Afraid to steal
And not give back your heart.

Afraid to find myself
Then lose it straight again.

Afraid to let love happen
Before it all began.

what's left to say?
nothing's here
what's left to hold?
it feels so wrong

there's no way to talk
it's all gone
my hope is dim
barely hanging on
like a *****'s limb

"Fight back!",
"Don't take it lying down!",
I frown, as the meaning fades and cracks,
Resistance is more than mounting an attack,

"The wheel will turn.",
"The buildings will crumble.",
I mumble, their disapproval stern,
Resisting is failing to learn.

She’s going clean
She’s going sober
After the high from chase
Is all but over—
It’s not the envy
But hypocrisy that stings:
We both agreed we’d worry
About more important things—

****** up going 45
I’m lucky enough just to be alive—
Her lips are sealed
She’s all she’ll ever need
I’m seeing double
Looking retroactively.
A three letter ball and chain
(I should have stayed)
A three letter ball and chain
(I should have stayed)

Call it stupid
Or call it fate
20/20 vision
Is too little, too late—
Purse my lips and wrap my arms
To the closet thing around me
And give my vows
To slick roads and sneaky trees—

****** up going 45
I’m lucky enough just to be alive—
Her lips are sealed
She’s all she’ll ever need
I’m seeing double
Looking retroactively.
A three letter ball and chain
(I should have stayed)
A three letter ball and chain
(I should have stayed)

I guess I found the question
To an unsaid answer:
What is hate
But a little love with anger?
I’ve had to stew in shame
As a judgment was made
Right above my name—
There it is,
In my crumpled dashboard:
These black thoughts
Spelled out on my record.

****** up going 45
I’m lucky enough just to be alive—
Her lips are sealed
She’s all she’ll ever need
I’m seeing double
Looking retroactively.
A three letter ball and chain
(I should have stayed)
A three letter ball and chain
(I should have stayed)