Feelings: I have none.
A thought; only one.
If only I had a gun.

Never was doubtful of your condescending ways.
Pricked in suffering
Words of loathsome intentions
A naive foolish tool was I
You act as though nothing occurred
Your false innocence will be forgotten,
because I'm finished with you
I have no desire to-
Keep tainted memories alive
Slip through the cracks-
and don't ever come back

"It was the second I let go for a mere minute that I felt free and I felt like myself again. Now I realize where I have been all these months, trapped inside this unrealistic reality of us."

Finally they're done
A year until the next

I can't do anything now
It's over, is the test

Biology, chemistry, physics
All three I made a mess

There's no point dwelling in
sadness hope I tried my best

There's nothing to do now
except hope and wait and rest

A breathing machine
is what I've become
no engine to rev in anger.

A tower of bones
with hands to shake hands
but no strength to hold onto purpose.

These feet making tracks,
they don't fill big shoes
and the shadow I cast will not make the news.

The direction that I'm going,
the perfection that's insisted,
I feel like I've been here
ten thousand times before.
Looking in a mirror
every single time
I go to open a door.

Every place I go
people are always leaving,
grieving about the greener grass they thought they'd found before.
Why's there no place that I've heard of
where the locals long to stay?
Why are dreams always found in the places far away?

I'm done with doors, it's time for bricks thrown through windows,
no more handshakes, only elbows in chest cavities.
I want to bleed, to bleed,
to stain more lives than I could ever cast in shadow.
You can't see the scars I have so I'll earn the ones you can,
I want to bleed, to bleed,
to bleed.

Who really needs an engine to rev up after all?
With gas prices so high
anger's not cost effective.
And who needs a heart to beat with passion
when blood makes people sick?
Who needs a heart to beat at all
when it won't beat back the dreams
of far away places,
both heaven and obscene.

As long as I'm not giving up
then I'm not giving in
and my dying breath will fan
the fire that's within.

I'm done with doors, it's time for bricks thrown through windows,
no more handshakes, only elbows in chest cavities.
I want to bleed to bleed,
to stain more lives than I could ever cast in shadow.
You can't see the scars I have so i'll earn the ones you can,
I want to be, to be,
to be.

I have come undone.
My body like bandages,
a mummy roaming the earth.
I thought I was doing good
I'm fine type of thing.
I have not admitted
that I am not okay
Theres so much that I have on my plate right now.
deadlines
love
abiding
accusing
ranting
I have been in the biggest swirl of my life,
like an ice cream machine
but not so sweet
Dad is angry all the time.
Mom is tired all the time.
My sister is ****-talking all the time.
And I?
I am being depressing all the time.
No body told me life was supposed to be easy,
guess I was assuming again
My life is screeching to a halt.
I want to take a time out,
to let myself breathe
but with my life,
breaks don't exist
I want this pain to cease.
I want to seal this dilemma with a crease.
But it ain't that easy
See I walk into school
To come home
and repeat.
I expect something new to happen.
But I don't get the feeling.
****
I feel undone.
I force myself to read my life like it's a book.
But the truth is, I don't see an end anytime soon.
This novel just keeps on going
and going
and going
and going
when will it stop?
I feel undone.
I admit it.
I thought I was strong enough to handle this,
but in the midst of it all,
I now realize
*I have come undone

I wish talking to you was easy like a Sunday morning:
the mumbling and anxiety replaced with the scent of coffee and warmth,
the silence filled with my favourite people, sharing laughs and thoughts; bad television providing the backing track to our slumped breakfast.

I wish I looked at myself the way I look at you,
my eyes adopt a hazed film of adoration while they explore your every feature;
my eyes close and tears begin to stain my cheeks while they notice a new blemish, tainting my skin's purity,
piling on top of 16 years worth of insecurity.

I wish you were my medicine.
the only relief you provided was your manipulation,
you managed to intertwine your filthy little lies into my heartstrings and pluck at them whenever you wanted to and I let you.
silly girl.

I never knew how you felt.
you were ice cold, but I liked the shudder that shot down my spine when your hands met my waist.
your mystery pulled me closer, drew me in.

your lips always felt so absent.
I knew in the way you kissed me that you didn't want me the way I wanted you,
I was your entertainment
your 'she's there so I may as well'
I meant nothing to you while you meant everything to me.

three months ago,
hearing those words would have killed me.
those words would have snuck their way onto the backs of my eyelids and sat there as a reminder every time I blinked, cried, slept.
they would be the undertone of every word I said, every word I wrote
they would've eaten me alive.

look at me now.
that part of me disintegrated a long time ago,
although, that part of me was what kept the butterflies in my stomach alive and I do miss that feeling.
I miss the feeling of loving someone.
but with love comes pain and I don't know if I could have carried on living with that excruciating sensation.
look at me now.
I don't care anymore,
the tears that used to fall for you have found their balance.

of course I want to adore and to be adored;
but I'm afraid I'll only adore and will never be adored.
you ripped my life out of me, used it as your punching bag and forced it into my throat and expected my bruises to be faint,
those bruises shine a blinding violet.

sometimes I miss you and the feelings,
but I know I deserve more.
heartbreak is inevitable,
that, I know for sure.

~T.T

He doesn't care about you.
It's the middle of the night
And he closes the door.
Forgets that you're here,
Waiting in the darkness.

He doesn't care about you.
In a second, you don't exist.
You're gone.
Forgotten.
Left.

He doesn't care about you.
Because he closes the door.
And forgets you.
Just like that,
He doesn't care about you.