The moment that I met you
Was the moment I let myself
Drown in your eyes
And drown in your words

Unable to breath
But not willing to swim to the surface
Scared of losing you?
Or scared of losing myself?

Why am I afraid?
Am I actually suffering?
The cold water is a comfort
Flowing around me and hugging me

Not being able to breath
I can give up
If it means I can be this close to you
And let myself drown in your eyes

The moment that I met you
Was the moment I saw a light
You gave me a smile
And I saw something shine so very bright

You gave me hope
You gave me comfort
You gave me a light

You gave me something bitter and sweet.
Sweet and bitter.
Joy but still fear
Fear of losing myself?
Or fear of losing you?

But why am I still afraid?
Afraid of drowning?
Not really
Afraid of fighting and reaching the surface?
Yes
But why?

Feeling the light slowly vanishing
And the darkness creeping up
Being ****** farther and farther down
The surface farther and farther away

up there
somewhere.

Why can't i swim?
Even though I really want to?.

I want to breath
I want to fight
I want to see and feel your light

But i guess it's too late now
It's dark down here.
The water is cold
And it is hurting my skin

My lungs are filled with water
I'm unable to breath
I am afraid of drowning
Now I know for sure

I should have done this
I should have done that
I should have put my trust in you
And given in to you.

Now I have nothing left
Now I have lost myself
And the worst part is
That I have lost you as well.

I fought a snake last night.
A boy came after me to do the same.
But I told him I already did it.
He seemed to not really believe that I already gone through this fight.
It was over but he made me do it again.
So I threw the boy to the snake and ran.

Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave.

Be free.
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.

I don’t know why this keeps on happening.
It’s like I’m forced to fight every time before being able to let go.
Can’ t just shake it off cause there’s always something, somebody left to fight with or fight for.
And afterwards being afraid of what will be my sentencing.
It’s unacceptable, you did something horrible.

Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave

**** it off and then you can run free!
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.

Life = death &
Death = life.
When you let go you will know.
You will know when you let go.

Used to punch
metal freezers,
shred my bare knuckles
on a black bag
when I didn’t feel like
wrapping my hands with
***** dishrags.

But I put those fists down,
lost the pit fire,
let those flames expire
cause I was so tired
of how that rage burned.

Simmering passed
a soft-boiled brain,
used to workout
just to dull the pain,
now I workout at night
just to feel a little more alive.

Dreams won’t let me
go to sleep gently,
or rest peacefully
but it is the waking hours
that are more disturbing.

Always been a fighter
even when
I wasn’t even
scrapping with
other slack jawed idiots.

Sometimes it is just
my own mind
that I am battling,
as my demons come
ready to swallow me.

I remember how it felt to know you
In the moments I wasn’t myself
And it’s funny to think of myself
And think I escaped
Because right now
Lying in the darkness alone
I can feel that same weight on my chest
Holding me down and pushing me under
I can feel myself struggling to breathe
Just like I used to
And it feels almost like nothing has changed
Because I’m alone
Now just like I was then
And the screaming inside never stopped
The fear and the pain
The realization that I have no equal
Not even in those that relate to me most
And I’m desperately longing
Needing
Begging
And praying
For something to come along
To change my mind
To make me crave less
The late nights on pavements
Tear and rain soaked streets
Searching the sky for answers
When my chest cracks itself open
For you and every other person that passes
Because I can’t stop feeling
And I can’t feel anything
All at once
I feel like I’m going under
And I can’t stop the waves from crashing
Where is my peace
Where is the surface
All I can find are broken pieces of memories
Things that sting and stab every time
I grasp them
Please
I need a shining light
A moment of clarity
A hand to grab onto
I need to remember my own face
And leave behind the desolation that burns inside me
I need to see and be seen
I need so much
A connection unlike any other
A person on the same plane as the stars
Our eyes meeting like passing comets
I need someone to know me
To breathe into me and press a beat into my heart
Because I don’t feel it there anymore
I feel like a cage or worse
Like I AM caged
I can’t get out but I’m crying for the freedom
Falling to my knees and reaching for it
Screaming for it
I keep fighting
Every day I drag myself back up
Force the pain behind me and try again
Come on
I know it hurts
But keep fighting
I know you can’t anymore
But keep going
Don’t give up
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t let go
Not this time
It’s not too late
I know you can’t breathe
But try
Please just TRY
Don’t let yourself go under this time
Stand up
Keep standing
Hold your head up high
Even as the tears stream down your face
And don’t back down
Because we’re the closest we’ve ever been
To finding ourselves again
And if we lose it this time
We may never get it back

there is a price to
authenticity that
most people
are not prepared
to pay

the cost
(at least in part)
is:
indifference,
isolation,
rejection, failure,
anxiety, madness,
etc.

it's vicious
strangers and
deadly lovers--
all of them
with spinning
flowers for
eyes as they
dig in: the
elbow, the
heel, the
knife

becoming who
you are demands
that you sacrifice
every inch of
what you
thought you
were to the
eternal flames

it means you're
gonna be hard
on yourself--harder
than anybody else
has ever been
on you

it means you're
gonna think
about killing
yourself
sometimes--you
may even come
close--

and,
make no
mistake, it
will be the
death of you
someday,
but
it will be
the best death
you could've
offered yourself

you will look
back upon
your life with
a cutting
smile and
piercing eyes
knowing that
you stayed
fighting

through every
cheap shot,
backstab, and
bad call

every
knockdown,
defeat, and
sabotage

you kept
coming, no
matter what
life threw at
you:
poverty,
shame,
guilt,
loss,
exile

these things
mean nothing
in the face
of true
becoming

and what
is becoming
if not
annihilation
and that
which remains
after its
totality?