You think I am okay
You think I am handling everything so well.. almost heartlessly
Do you know that I cry everyday?

That I have cried everyday for the past six months

That is
26 weeks
183 days
4,380 hours
262, 801 minutes

Six months of waking up and no knowing if I am okay, if I will survive

Six months of coping, dealing, drugging, ******* and leaving. Six months of brokenness. Six months of hollow.

So when you look at me or get drunk and say those words, I wish I could scream in your face.. 26 weeks of tear stained mascara running moments all so we could stay friends.

You know why I drink this beer?
I drink this beer to drive away my tears
I drink this beer because you could no longer stand to be here.
I drink this beer to all of our wonderful memories.
I drink this beer to all the **** you have put me through.
I drink this beer because it was bought by some random dude I am now wishing were you.

I drink this beer because it is my old familiar friend brought here by the end
Of all that was me and you. I drink this beer because my darling we are through.

I drink this beer to get drunk hoping it will numb the pain I feel inside. I drink this beer because honestly I would rather die
than sleep one more restless night because frankly I am too weak to fight.

I drink this beer because drunkiness cures sobriety and that seems to be the way to get you from inside me.

Sobriety ******* *****. I drink this beer finally because I know now that there really is no longer an "us".

*******.

Those poems were from a year ago.

I just deleted all of them,
are you happy now?

New Year's Eve
2 minutes to midnight
1 minute
30 seconds
20 seconds
10 seconds
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1

It's a new year
But it's a scary year
Every year
It's just been back to the same thing
Back to school
Back to friends
Back to boring

This year,
everything is changing
Back to school
till May
April showers
Bring high school graduations

4th of July fireworks
Fade into freshman year
of college.
College
I've always dreamed of this
But it's so close
And I want a redo

Because it's been
almost a whole year
since you left
and I sit
and think of you
everyday

We were supposed to do this
together.
But you left.

-r.y.s

I remember the first time I saw your face.
You, with an intense stare, a perplexed glare,
scrutinizing everything that was there.
Searching..
Looking for the perfect rhyme, an eye-catching design.
Going down the line I hoped you would find joy in mine,
and you did.
I remember the energy in your smile on the ride home.
Your nervous hand was hesitant to put pen to paper, wanting everything to be perfect.
Every piece of that puzzling emotion put together in a way that would  show how much you loved her,
and soon you could.
You opened my chest and on my heart you wrote what was on yours.
From that point forth I became a door.
I was an extension of your adoration and affection.
You felt like you were on top of the world,
and you were.
I remember the excitement the day you gave me to her,
I felt it too.
The words were coming alive, flowing from her lips like the most intoxicating wine.
Oh, how I wanted her to love you,
and for a moment she did.
But after a while I was put in a box.
I collected dust while she became bitter; a war was started,
one with no winner.
The words on my heart had lost their glimmer,
and so did yours.
I remember the last time I saw your face.
Unfamiliar, Unattached, you were not the same.
Something came, a sadness untamed.
Those words on my heart became a source of pain.
So you ripped me apart..
Piece by piece..
Just like she did to you.

I was asking around for poem ideas, and one of my friends told me to write about past relationships. I was looking through an old box of notes and cards and stuff that I still have, and this poem just kind of bubbled up inside of me. I'm not sure that I like it, I was just kind of writing to write and then FEELS.



When I was young
and my family told me boys (or girls) would be
"breaking down the door to date me"
I didn't realise quite how many people
would say they loved me
and how many people I'd say I loved
in a lifetime.
It's amazing how love can be given away
so freely,
so willingly
yet so painfully...
I have memories
of each one.
Lucas will always be my Percy Jackson.
Devon was a constant "babe" and "baby",
"you and me,"
and a Valentine's card/stuffed bear that I still have.
Evan was "1... 2... 3"
playing Doctor Who with my little brother,
I wonder if he still keeps that 4th grade picture
of me in his wallet?
Derick was "#dickerdoodles"
and a Valentine's card/stuffed Pikachu that I still have,
Netflix, a rainy day, a pack of cigarettes
a notebook
and a promise of New York City in a year.
Hannah was a bass
duct tape wallets
carmex,
a song lyric or three, and
"How do I love thee?"
Ellie was the Tumblr Accent Challenge
cigarettes, alcohol
a homecoming dance
and incredible music.
Magus was Zelda, movie nights, and
"I love you with all my heart,
with all that I am, with
everything I have."
Jayne was (and is) "kiddo," and now "baby girl"
JannaLee was "Stay strong, babe, and burn bright.
You're my fire; I'm your hurricane.
Those nights belong to us."
Jason L. was "Aw, butts..."
Scooty is "John SNOOOOWW",
"Groot..."
heart-to-hearts, and
Jekyll and Hyde,
#TeamApplesauce.
Travion was "Hey, let's face battle"
a note on yellow lined paper
and Hotel Transylvania.
Andrew was a lick of the lips,
my 9th Doctor,
"Hey, Nii-san."
Randi was "honeybabe" to me;
I still think that's a cute nickname.
Matt F. was "You're DIGAUGFN... I <B you."
(and I still don't quite know how to say
how much the jumble of letters "DIGAUGFN"
still makes my stomach flutter.)
I've made sure not to replicate
with current lovers things I've done
things I've said
special phrases, special actions
with past lovers
Memories are sacred, see.
I don't believe that any men or women
have hindered my ability to love
but at the same time I want to hold
the ones that I've loved
(or maybe don't want to admit to myself
that I still do love)
in the back of my brain,
in the bottom of my heart,
in my palms, rolling them into joints
and inhaling them until all that's left
is a labyrinth of white smoke and a smile,
lightheadedness and a moment of peace
I want to make this explicitly clear:
Just because I have loved many
and still hold many dear to me...
That does NOT hinder my ability to love
any given person at a time.
After breaking up with my boyfriend of 3 years
for a man whom I didn't know I could love
as much as I do
I realise that with all the people in my heart
I still have room
and as awful as it sounds,
I live in the past
as well as the present.
I can't let memories of people
things, places go
but please do remember that
I do know how to be faithful
in mind and in action.
I know how to hold only one,
how to kiss only one,
how to date only one,
how to marry only one,
how to live with only one,
when I say I'll never leave,
please believe that my words ring true
but I'm sorry...
I do not know how to love
only one.

i listen to her rant about her boyfriend,
about how he never calls, about how
        this isn’t ***** dancing, my name isn’t baby.
i nod when i’m supposed to and agree
when it seems necessary.
       how are you and that guy doing, anyways?
i tell her that we’ve been doing fine
and that he never buys me flowers.
        what a shame, pretty girls deserve flowers.
i think about it later that night,
about how i never get flowers.
        you’re pretty enough, really.
i can hear his voice inside my head.
i close my eyes and i can see him.
        why don’t you believe me?
i want to tell him that pretty girls
deserve flowers, and he has yet to deliver.

don't believe the views of society:
there is nothing poetic about heartbreak
there is nothing beautiful about laying on the bathroom floor shaking from the memories that flood into your mind,
craving the embrace of the one who promised he'd never leave,
gasping for air because you don't know how to keep breathing,
throwing up a dinner that didn't digest correctly because of the steadfast ball in your stomach,
falling asleep in class because your nights are consumed with thoughts of him realizing he lost the best thing he ever had,
not leaving your house because everything reminds you of him
from the song on the radio that he used to hate
to the place where you went on your first date and he was too nervous to kiss you