Some of my idols don't do drugs
With blinders on **** your idols dead by dawn
Being the case I **** mine with shame
Reagan would have loved their hatred of me
Being the case he would hate me, too

Bring me your disdain, bring me
Baskets overflowing, ***** apples and oranges
Mess of accidental fruits of unaware labor
I guess malice blesses my innate behaviors

We alter the stars to outcry
We alter time, ascend, divine
We alter time of death
Design last breaths

When you leave
A deeper shard of me
Flees til you return

When you breathe
You steal none of my parts
You my love, gift me
I gift you my energies

The breath of the wind raises hairs on her neck.
She breathes out a clouded breath of whiskey fire.
Outside the venue, she kicks her shoes, waiting.
Where's the loser on the drum kit?
She knows she blows the set with her absence, but she can't
Stop tapping her heel at the wall, measuring splits in bricks
With her nicotine fingernails.
Where's She? She's such a *****.
The whole day closes in, in an instant, night descends.
Her twentieth cigarette dances in a rush to end it,
But her eyes catch sight of the mauve and indigo sky through
Buildings over bridges. Twilight ignites her quarter candlestick.
Outside the venue she kicks her shoes, waiting.
Outside her lonely lungs drink carcinogen
to an eager death with smokers. Cough.
Cough cough cough
Cool as ice.

Maybe I believe there's more to your heart than colored skin thoughts, thoughts of a blanket death, intent to devastate the space for differences maybe I believe it is innate, truly human to set fright aside for the good of futures, then what are you? Hateful eyes disguise the beauty in you designed to shine among the others but I can't teach through resistant bitterness and I won't speak when it means I only speak to waste my breath on you, on you.

I said I would leave

My hand
Never
Left the door

Or left
Your

Tender little heart

In what time it takes to grow I thought I would grow more
In the time it takes to take a break I thought I could explore ignorance and never return to melancholia.

I know I said I would leave but I return
Didn't I warn you before that I need you?
I am desperate to warm you and freeze your brittle bones.

I thought departure would heal the wounds I deeply knew only square paper under the tongue fixed though I know if I never left I would never have felt the heartbeat of my apartment.

I thought I could leave but I have to write.
I could have sworn I did not need you when the beginning and the end of my existence run completely through you, sometimes you only, those who see Samsara, know their place, still cling, and me, I cling to you.

-

bud and coffee

2 am

this hopeless feeling

sinking in

--

my mind is racing

going nowhere

a sense of dread is hanging

in the stale and sticky air

---

I feel a chill

I can't explain

as my head starts to ring

I feel a set of eyes on me

and I can hear her screams

----

and there's nobody else here

but

I'm still not by myself

because I can still hear her voice

still crying out for help

-----

I see her tears

I hear her cries

I feel all of the hate

I feel the disappointment from

* when I came back too late

------

I feel her eyes upon me

as they burn into my soul

I feel the pain I caused her*

as it's darkening my soul

-------

see shadows racing

through my house

or are they in my head??

I wonder if I've made

some sort of contact with the dead

--------

should be in bed

3 hours ago

I know this much for certain

or should I smoke another bowl

*and watch the blinds and curtains?