I made a vision board
in CBT therapy
four years ago

I pasted a Keaton Henson quote
“I think a lot  of art is trying to make someone love you”
on my board

I just thought it was a nice quote

My therapist then proceeded to tell me
not to create for anyone else
but myself.

I proceeded to not listen.

I’m still writing poems about you
I’m still drawing your hands
I’m still in love
and we haven’t talked in years.

so maybe this isn’t a second chance
but what if it’s our last?
so dance with me this time
instead of your bottle of ***** at 3 am every night
and make love to the one you’re in love with
not just for validation
but for comfort in your relations
love the way you were put here
and let someone kiss your scars, dear
you’ll feel better after a good night’s rest
better than the the blade of a razor slicing across your chest
and your art can still be great
without killing what’s left of you in order to “create”
find someone who doesn’t want to domesticate you
and let them take your shades of blue
and turn them into purple hues
your mental state has never defined you
and you like to experiment, as if on cue
you text me at 11, and unable to get through to you
i leave you be
and then feel even worse the next morning when i wake up
too early to make up
lies
about everything you said last night
so instead i write
and i tell the truth
of course, i’ll never show any of this to you
but if you happen to find it
maybe you’ll be flattered to know
that you make beautiful art yourself,
but the art of observing you is something
only i have had the time to master

If I could write forever-
And share the flavors of my mind-
If I could drop all things-
That form a divide.

Divisions have risen-
And they split my heart.
I’m cracking-
And-
I’m bleeding art.

Puddles of proses-
Fill my brain.
Inspiration blankets me-
Like a summer rain.

If I could only write forever,
And do nothing else-
Then that nourishment of my soul-
Would be my only source of wealth.

As I stay here,
I speculate
In the frontier of thought,
I contemplate
What I brought to the world,
I concentrate
On what I unfurled and now display,
I consummate
What I portray and feel,
I dominate
What I reveal,
I denominate
What is real,
But still,
I nominate
What is surreal,
I oscillate
I change what is ideal for me,
I isolate myself
In the highest degrees,
I desolate
With the finest move of the pen,
What I create.

I state again
With each day I improve,
My lexicon
I dilate,
I’m commenting on
What I approve,
I’m obsessing on
What I want to disprove,
I’m expressing
What I need removed,
I’m blessing
The words I reuse,
I’m addressing
What I deduce.

Words are:
Complicated,
Herds
Of verses,
Cursed,
Voiceless,
Surds and sonants,
Dramatized,
Emoted,
Intoxicated,
Reiterated,
Literal and figurative,
Alliterated,
Raided and stripped naked,
Related,
Equipped,
Gripped,
Awakened,
Jaded,
Created,
And to create.

anger burns so deep within me ,
i dont know where
it stops .
               .
                .

god told me there was a mistake
when creating
you

(and he whispers when he lies)

so
look me in the eyes next time --

tell me it's not painful .
.

it's a loaded term.
branded and historically stern.
While the shadow still remains
after the setting sun --
your pain will remain.

This is the ORIGIN of shame.

Have you not learned?
how They play game?
paint us out to be insane.

I wasn't given a choice.
I was given a name.



-- that i haven't changed.

If you find yourself in constant dismay
About your life, the world at large or simply **** today
You have two paths to walk and one ends colorless and grey
You sat and did nothing,  but had plenty to say.

What is that contribution that you speak?
Being in tune with the news and the daily beat?
Have you tuned out so that you could actually hear?
The connection is deafening and you walk away filled with fear.

So make you choice now or accept your fate
Right now is the only thing that is certain and safe.
But if you prefer to project life beyond the now
There will be a time when you will realize the answer to the question:
How?

There are those who speak and inspire
That's good and fine
But can you call the actions of others your own
Or can I call them mine?
No.
You need to make something from nothing
You need to blow your mind
Or else you're wasting air
And you're wasting you're own time.