To my very best friend:
How do I even begin?
You are only 19.
You were only 19.
My sweet, sweet boy I miss you so much.
I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I will never see you again.
I can’t breathe knowing your beautiful soul is no longer in earth.
I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard the news.
I remember hoping, praying, feeling as if everyone was playing a sick joke on me.
I remember the panic that spread through me like a searing pain.
I remember how cold my body became, the chills spreading quickly.
I love you my sweet, sweet best friend.
19 years of being alive.
19 years that this earth was blessed with you.
15 years of friendship.
15 years of memories together.
15 years of joy, smiles, and laughter.
I love you my sweetest best friend.
Thank you for loving me the way you did.
Thank you for being the kind of friend that comes once in a lifetime.
Thank you for bringing joy to everyone who met you.
Thank you for being my best friend.
I love you. I miss you.
I’ll love you for the rest of my life.
You will ALWAYS be my best friend.
Love forever and always,
Your best friend.

I cannot process a heartbreak that I have yet to begin.
Not a lover, but a friend that left my heart in two.
15 years of memories, laughs, secrets, and sleepovers.
From grade 3, yet you still found it in your heart to leave.

Do you know how it feels? Acerbic.
I just tried to show you the red flags yet he convinced you that I was one instead.
You chose a man that cares for nothing more than getting in your pants, over a friend that only wants you to be safe

Was it easy for you to give us up?
You made the decision so suddenly that the knife of numbness is still stuck in my heart.
I'm scared of what I'll feel once I try to remove it.
For now it's fear of what will happen when you're left with just him.

I look at myself and wonder if I'm a bad person for letting you stay.
Then I look at pictures of you and remember you decided to drop me.
Yet I still pose the the question "Am I the *******?"

a sink with broken eggshells at the bottom
skin turning flush red from the inside goo
always making you itch
because everything is so nervous
if it wasn't there would be no purpose
no jackknifing or tossing
no thrashing or abrasive arm wrestling
to feel a stillness inside your stomach
like an eye of a storm
patiently smug
because  the turbulence is never
in
only around

the debris will never hit your cornea
no splintered pupil
always wanna be tender
but I think brave is best

Tokio desu, wearing a dress
Feel like a mess, making a mess
Wearing a dress, I was the best

light thinks she travles faster
than anything she thinks she is more stronger

no matter how fast she travles
even if the bone of her kneels crackles

but she finds out the darkness has always got there first
and waiting for her who calls herself best.