i walk to my bus stop. it is 5am and school is no longer in session since it's the middle of june. a plane passes overhead and i wonder if they're close enough to watch my eyes well up. before i dismiss that idea for being so irrational, i throw up two middle fingers, as if to say "******* for making me feel this way" even though i know it's not their fault.
it takes me until the sun rises to realize i am standing by a stop sign in just a t-shirt, underwear, and my yellow rain boots...but it's not raining. and for a second, i can't remember the last time it rained, but the puddles that fill the potholes tell me that it was probably yesterday.
i run to my house in a hurry, as if i would no longer feel the embarrassment of being half naked in public once i was inside. the door is unlocked and i am thankful because the last time i saw my keys was three days ago, and i can't even remember where i saw them. wait, i don't have keys. i'm too young to have keys, so whose keys did i see three days ago?
my house looks different, like maybe this isn't my house, but i know it is because the twilight zone is on, and i'm the only person in their teens who still watches that show. the volume is turned all the way down. was i watching it in secret? maybe i didn't want to wake my mother.
i sit down on my couch and close my eyes. it 6:30am and i should be asleep right now, but i've come to find myself lighting a cigarette and smoking it, but i don't smoke. i've never smoked. i go to put it out, but i somehow miss my mom's marbled ashtray and get my arm. my mind is screaming "take it off! get it away!" but it's also screaming "is it weird that i'm barely feeling anything?" and then the pain hits me all at once, and i toss it into the ashtray. my arm is throbbing and i wish i could pass out and deal with this later, but the truth is there is no later and this is all happening now.
and i have no idea how to deal with it.
i literally have no ******* idea what this is
