oh sweet heart, how long have we been apart?
how long has it been since I held you in my hands?
how long has it been since I gave you the love I so freely give to others?

oh dear strength, where did I go wrong?
melted down, like butter on toast...was I ever truly strong?

where is the line between anxiety and security?
once so defined, but now so smudged...could happiness perhaps spare a nudge?

oh sweet self, where have you gone?
buried so deep, but I know you're still there...

“Oh”
Two letters. One syllable. Packing more punch than an insect striking a windshield. At least in that scenario, the pain is momentary, release is instant.

But you. You said that simple word and the emptiness in the silence that followed was anything but. Because what it truly meant was disappointment. Confusion. Regret.

“I wish I would have known”
That’s why I was telling you now. Shouldn’t that have accounted for something? Shouldn’t you have seen it was hard for me to tell you that.

Falling asleep.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to know what was going on inside of your head because **** me, I liked you now and then that happened and now I felt uneasy of myself. Of my worth. All of it through the lens of you.

I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know what. Did I do something, or is it because of what I didn’t do? Just speak your truth to me.

“Sleep well”
With an emoji. Does that equate emotion? Or is it a filler for words you don’t know how to say, feelings you can’t convey, the way you’ll break my heart eventually but for now I should ‘sleep well’, sleep well.

Well it’s hard to sleep when the person you care about is the one keeping you awake at night. Do you even still care.

“Sweet dreams”
I say. But what I really mean is I miss you. Do you miss me? I miss your touch, your laugh, the way you slightly smile when you pull back from kissing me, the way you looked at me as you hovered above: that look of genuine desire. Was it all just physical?

Only time will tell. But in the meantime I hate the social constructs that tell me to play this game, to wait it out? To not look clingy? To not want someone. I hate it. But that’s the rules of the game.

So. Your move.

Poetry:
For me it used to be the release of all the things I was holding inside, but now I see it was really just a way for me to hide.
Hide from you, or him, or maybe even myself: put some words on some pages to silence the growing cries for help
I saw that you were beautiful, and I held on.
Maybe I tried to push you away, maybe I knew you wouldn’t stay,
Maybe it was me creating my own self destruction or maybe it was the way you craved my construction
My construction of you from the pieces I found, the pieces I found that had been laying on the ground

But maybe you were just beyond fixing and maybe I should have never picked up tools in the first place.

Open a document once again
Miss you once again
Want you once again
Cry once again.

I write page after page of my heart upon these pages
Of forgotten words and unspoken phrases
Its been months now but I still find myself missing you in moments when I wish to think of anything else
Everytime I get better, I fall back into reverse
You taught me to drive stick shift and you held my hand first
A kiss from you on my cheek thrilled me more than any on my lips
I forever wanted to feel you on my fingertips

Stop.
Shift into park.
God how I remember your soul as my favorite kind of art
You touched me in ways that when you left I fell apart
Clinging to our memories, I wished for a fresh start

But no matter how far we wander we seem to find our way back
For split moments in smiles or laughter, for a funny **** picture
Its as if you split open my heart and play my sadness like a movie feature
What did you do to turn me into this creature.

This creature who loves you but will never utter a word
This creature who will love you the way that she herself deserves.

It terrifies me to know that one day, you will simply be gone,
That you will walk out that door and that I will never hear from or see you again,
That the person who I stayed up with until 4 in the morning telling everything to is someone that I hope to one day pass on the street,
just to know that you're okay.

It scares me to know that our time is running short, because TIME doesn't stop for anyone, And with time, memories fade and with it will your face and I'm trying so hard to engrave it on my skin.
You.
My most beautiful sin.

Momma told me nothing good happens after two am and maybe she's been right all along because that is when I fell for you,
In the hours of the love affair between the moon and sun, existing together only momentarily before one is overrun,
like them we are meant to always reach for one another but never quite get there,
Because the universe is run by magic and we have none.

But I will always be willing to die every night as the moon does for the sun if it means seeing it bounce off your whiskey colored eyes I used to get drunk off of, one last time,
Because you looked at me the way no one else could, and I bared my soul to you more than I should've,
we were both the spark and the flame and then the wind lent a shout, matches aren't meant to burn forever and maybe that's why we burnt out.

Just know that I will always miss you,
That a part of my soul will forever be yours,
And I envy the lips that get to kiss you.

And as that door shuts, away you will walk to a place I may never stumble across and find,
So I will always remember those starry nights, when I was yours and you were mine.

Why is it that when you were thunder and I was lightening that I felt like we belonged together?
It was always just a game to you,
My heart and how I fell for what I thought was true,
I fell in love with you while the rest of the world slept,
I should've known that when the sun would rise away you would get,
So what is it that you would like to hear?
How loving you feels like you're stabbing my chest?
How when you smile at me it still feels like my lungs have lost any oxygen left?
How I will smile and make jokes and act like everything is fine,
When in reality, inside I beg and pray to hold myself in one piece,
Because that's how it is isn't it?
You always get to leave in peace while I'm left in pieces,
I didn't leave because I stopped loving you, I left because the longer I stayed, the less I loved myself,
You don't get to say our inside jokes and steal your secret glances,
You don't get to give me those smiles and be fine while inside I cry,
You don't get to leave me with always just enough to keep me holding on,
Because you pushed me over the edge,
You pushed the tears past my eyelids,
You pushed the gasps to breathe past my lips,
You pushed my heart to know what it's like to break,
You did that to the girl who loved you.

Cracked
Kaleidoscope memories of you
Beautiful if turned one way, and muddled when turned another
But do I want to search for its beauty?
Do I want to search for you?

My fingers graze things you once held, searching for echoes of your finger tips,
My fingers graze my skin hoping to remember how you feel,

If I turn up the volume, will it give me comfort the way your voice used to?
The pause between words have me grasping on to the way I held your silence between my lips,

I remember your words and whispered promises as if they were etched onto my skin,
No longer a blank canvas,
My eternal mark of you,

Bring me closer, let me look you in those dubious eyes,
Let me bring my lips almost to a kiss and ask for another pretty lie.

I jot down my thoughts of you on any pieces of paper I can find,
My thoughts like these papers, loose leaf and wild, somehow only further our bind,
I search for words that purge and lessen the urge to reach our and tell you "I miss you",
Because you're fine without my lips, my tongue, or my kiss & they say don't go back to what hurt you.

But ******* do I miss you.

I miss you in the simplest of moments when alone with my heartbeat I sigh,
You showed me such beauty and reached into my soul and now that you're gone I just cry,
Cry for what we had, and for what we could have been,
I'm sure now that loving you was my very greatest sin.

So I write down on parchment the words I'll never say and alone with my memories I sigh,
& so I'll wait for the day when I can wake up and say it's not in your arms I wish to lie.

I wish love destroyed you,
But it doesn't do you that courtesy,
It wounds and maimes you,
And it leaves you alive,
It doesn't do you the justice of a mercy killing,
We bleed again and again,
The scars come and never leave,
Forever altered by all of the moments,
Love isn't poetic,
Love is the cache 22 that reminds us that even if you're in heaven right now,
The devil used to also be god's favorite angel,
And hell isn't so far away after all.

Sometimes I wish I had never met you at all.
Never known the warmth of your eyes,
Or the way your breathing grows rhythmic when to sleep you slowly fall.

Sometimes I wish I had never heard your laughter.
Never known the way your smile could make my heart cease,
Before you a blank page and now you've left a crease.

I’m sorry, but did you forget?

Did you forget that upon your head lays a crown because you are a prize and you deserve to be treated like a ******* queen?

Did you forget that you are worth just as much, if not more, than he is and that you should only put yourself second if the favor is returned?

Did you lose your way?

Did you begin to tell yourself that the sad excuse of a man that exists in status quo is all you are deserving of? Worthy of? Desiring of?

Did you lose sight of the fact that you are going to take the world by the reins and be a ******* storm that after you are through, people will understand why they use names for hurricanes?

Did you let yourself believe the lies?

Did you let yourself think that perhaps it was your fault? That maybe because you didn’t work out or didn’t look like that, that maybe he could never love you as much?

Did you lie?

Did you lie to yourself so that you would accept the mediocre treatment of a relationship on life support, happiness based on a momentary high, sadness painted beautiful so that you would want to stay?

Did you let yourself be afraid?

Afraid of hearing the answer that would make you walk away, when you really wanted to stay, so you resigned yourself to the silence and emptiness of unrequited love: are you afraid?

It is not cliché to have self-worth. It is not cliché to say you are worth it. It is not cliché to walk away from a man when he doesn’t know what gold he has in his hands.

You are not cliché.

You. Are. Magnificent.

You are every color combined, every emotion ever felt, you are stardust in tangible design, you are a masterpiece.

You are the happiness everyone craves, you are the warmth in the sun’s rays, you are freedom amongst the ocean’s waves.

You are so much more than you believe yourself to be, and all that mirrors try their best to deceive,

And darling: it is okay to bleed.

Because bleeding isn’t weakness. Bleeding isn’t beauty. Bleeding is about being a ******* human.

Do not hold back.

Life is too short to waste time on boys who can’t make up their minds.
You only feel weighed down because you carry a load that isn’t yours.

It is not you. It never was. And it never will be.

It is not your fault they don’t see your beauty, people miss the sunrise and sunset and the point of art in a museum to make you feel and for music to make you reel: it is not your fault they are blind to elegance.

So ask him the question and move on from there, but do not be afraid of walking away.

You may love him, and he may love you, but if the time isn’t right, you must bid him adieu.

You are too beautiful.

Too beautiful to be an “almost relationship” kind of girl, not the hook up or the girlfriend but something in between, too **** beautiful to not be critically acclaimed.

And that is not being conceited.

The worst thing is to feel alone, in between arms that should be your home.

If he is worth the question, he will have an answer.

If not, you will walk away. And guess what, the sun will live to see another day.

The high isn’t worth the downfall, and you shouldn’t live a life where instead of walking you just crawl.

So man the hell up, and stand very tall
The crown may slip, but never shall it fall.

I wanted to drown out the world with you,
To put you in my ears and turn up the volume until you were all I could hear,
Because even if you only consisted of a few simple chords, your melody was my favorite
It was so unexpected and broken and yet lovely
I could listen to you laugh for hours, I could gaze at you for even longer
There was something in the way you looked at me and when you kissed me we made music,
Tell me how to relive it all again
The moment I met you, the moment our lips first met, the moment I fell in love with you,
But even the most beautiful of songs come to an end,
And I will never understand,
But I never did learn how to read sheet music.

Do you ever hear a song and less than a minute in, you already know it’s going to be your favorite?
You were that to me.
And much like a song, from you I could not flee.
You were chords and melodies I had never thought of putting together: and you were beautiful all the same.
If only you knew the way your heartbeat has become my favorite sound.
And much like the song, I could listen to you over and over again and each time fall more and more in love.
Because in a world of chaotic noise, you were my lullaby.
I would forever hear you in bits and pieces of other songs,
I would hum your tune absentmindedly as I go down a street I once walked with you,
And if I ever forget, I am sure my mind will wander to the songs we once made and remember,
Remember the beats and sounds that brought me to you,
and even if the melody has faded or become outdated,
I will always want to press repeat.

Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not adventurous enough, not slutty enough, not conservative enough: not enough.

E-ating away at my soul as I feel you slip through my fingers,
N-ever wanting anyone else to kiss my lips but you've already gone
O-ver you is what I claim but alone at night I'll cry,
U-nder your spell all I can think of is you
G-oing further and further down the spiral that made up our doomed love story,
H-appiness used to just be a feeling independent of you,

But as I try to hold the pieces of the girl you left behind, I see it just wasn't enough
I just wasn't enough.

I feel like screaming.
I want to forget everything.
Forget every moment you made me smile, every hug that made me feel warm, every promise that passed through your lips.
I want to forget how your voice sounds, I want to forget how your eyes squint when you smile, I want to forget the way you used to look at me
I want to forget.
I want to cry until my eyes couldn’t see you if I tried, I want to tell my brain to forget you were ever alive,
They say you don’t know heartbreak until it’s too late, I should’ve known you weren’t a risk to take.
Someone give my heart the memo: love is just a game,
And it always seems to start with your name.
I wonder, if I removed myself from the equation would you be just fine?
I wonder, if I hadn’t opened up to you so much would I have been hurt so deeply this time?
Do I stroke your ego? Is that why you keep me around?
It’s nice to hear pretty things from pretty girls,
But you were just a pretty boy with pretty lies.
One day, one day, one day.
But always chasing tomorrow doesn’t mean you’ll stay.
How could happiness and sadness be so alike?
So this is what madness feels like.

There's something especially painful about being in love with what you can't have,
And it's another entirely to see and not touch, when missing someone has never hurt so **** much,
To remember your lips but never feel them again,
To catch your glance but always refrain,
From admitting I'm in love with the very poison that put me down,
But if being with you meant always falling then I'd never want to touch the ground,
What we had was a moment, a couple thousand seconds at most,
But you made blood pump through my veins: you brought to life a ghost.

In your eyes I saw a promise that your soul could not keep,
I thought it was a hug until I felt the knife go deep,
I thought you were my air until I realized you were toxic,
But I was already falling and it was too late to stop it

what happens when all the words you try to use,
simply aren't good enough?

She was a free spirit

And where the wind went, she did too,
and though she smiled, she was blue,
but she hid it so well that you never knew,

Her eyes didn't sparkle because of light but rather tears,
but you would never hear her voice her fears,
she liked uncontrollable laughter because it'd help her forget,
all of her worries of things she didn't know yet,

She'd find herself thinking of lost places and faces,
that she could only be with if in dreams she went on chases,
there is something to be said about the girl who feels alone,
because she's surrounded by a world that she feels she's outgrown

Honestly I should've seen this coming,
Because when you spend your life sending people on a chase sooner or later they just stop running,

And I wish I could voice all of my emotions that consume my insides,
But they'd rather stay silent and so away they hide,

I want to know your last word before your very first,
Because then when you leave my heart will not burst,
For every hello there is always a goodbye,
Because time will not stop no matter how hard we try.

Maybe in a different time, place, or life,
we could have been together and not drowning in this strife,
But it is not the fate of fire to burn for forever,
Yet I thought that maybe we could beat the odds if we were really clever,
You cannot have a lover that is a star and not crossed,
You'll think you've found your way and when the earth shifts you'll be lost,
And if you know anything about the life of a star,
They burn brightest and then die as we watch helpless from afar.

Over the past year I have just learned a lot about this quest of mine for love.
I've cried a lot, made bad choices, but I've also grown a lot.
But it doesn't make it any easier.
I wish I didn't crave affection.
I wish I didn't fall so quickly.
I wish that the fact that my heart is in a cage would mean that it is protected, but I've finally realized that all it is, is trapped and unable to break free.
It's a prisoner.
I'm captive to my own emotions and lately it's driving me crazy.
Because it's a broken record: I'm a great girl, I have respect for myself, I have the personality and a bit of the looks as well but for some reason these guys either don't see it or don't value it.
And I know that that means I shouldn't care for them but that's a hell of a lot easier to say than done.
The truth is I hate being sad about this one insignificant and tiny blip in my life when there is so much to be happy and grateful for.
And then I'm angry because I'm sad and I feel like I can be in a crowded room and yet alone and then I start to find all of the reasons to legitimize being angry perhaps when they aren't even good reasons.
I feel like I'm so happy in a lot of ways but sad in some of the ways I want to be happy.
And there is always a reason for me to not be with someone.
Always.
And before it was always me in the way but now it's them, they don't want me.
And I know that I'm priceless and I know that I'm worth all of the stars and combustible helium and dust in this galaxy but it's really hard to believe something is up in the sky when all you see is the ground and sometimes I just can't muster up that kind of faith.
Sometimes I feel like my emotions are the poem I wish I could write and other times I'm just so **** tired of being the poet because for once I just want to be someone's poem.
And I know that they say that when you're broken that is how the light gets in but it also allows for shadows and I'm growing to hate the darkness.
Every bit of happiness I feel lately turns out just to be just like a stone thrown into water and it's impossible to avoid the ripples, and they remind me that I have no control and must go with the flow and I'm tired of going against the current.
And god knows I wish I had the confidence to walk across a room and know that I am something worth having but it's hard when subpar is what you're used to.
And I'm slowly coming to find the word empty to be ironic because in reality, this emptiness has never felt so heavy.
It's hard to stand tall when you do and you fall and you also realize parts of you are made of glass.
And it's the scariest thing to admit that in some ways you're broken because broken things never truly get fixed.
They find a "new normal" and maybe I'm old fashioned but I like some things to stay the same.
And I know that there are storms in my eyes and electricity in my lips but **** it I think the pain is worth it.
I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but what happens when everyone is blind?
And what scares me the most is putting these thoughts into words because tongues always cut the deepest.

I love unfinished sentences and forgotten laughter,
I love the pauses between words and the conversation that comes after,
Love confessions given only through stolen glances,
And I'm a hopeless romantic who believes in second chances,

I like falling for stars someone has already wished on,
And enjoying fleeting moments until they are gone,
If there is something I am learning in this journey through life,
Is that there are beautiful moments worth living twice.

I hope you can still taste me on your lips and feel me on your fingertips,
Forgive me for not seeing how you could fall out of love quicker than a coin flips,
For me it was as real as feeling your hand against my face,
But I guess within your arms was simply not my place,
We knowingly had but numbered set of days,
To set our emotions on fire before going our separate ways,
And now that I know how it feels to everyday miss you,
I hope you also wish you had not bid adieu.

It breaks my heart to see how easy it is for you.

It has finally hit me, something finally clicked,
Getting hurt and feeling pain is never something one picks,
There is a line between perseverance and insanity,
Yet letting go is not part of our human anatomy,
We fight, we bleed, and still struggle on,
But unknown to us it's a battle for which we are not armed,
Waking up from this dream now turned nightmare,
Cut the line and breathe in the untainted air,
Turn away from the past and face the sun's rays,
The day you move on my dear is today.

Still waiting for the message that says we're okay,
But things in life don't tend to happen my way.

It is rather funny how after awhile you can't even feel your heart break,
the pain becomes so common and you are feeble and weak,
your attempts to smile grow less and less convincing,
and when people try conversing, you find yourself resisting,

you are the rose left in the darkness,
you are what the sky would look like if it was starless,
you breathe but your lungs do not expand fully,
and everything you do reminds you of him cruelly,

your emptiness is in every song ever written,
it's the space between the breaths of the words to which people fall smitten,
devoid of emotion and virtually nothing,
such a heavy silence and it is you that it's crushing,

you are the stones that sink to the ocean floor,
you are the forgotten casualty in this never ending war,
you are every emotion held back out of fear,
and the ringing of his voice is all you hear,

darling, no longer should you let your tears fall,
release yourself from the shackles that keep you from standing tall,
there is always a price for the freedom you seek,
remember that you were not built to be meek,

He is every second-chance ever given,
every intricate reason to learn from indecision,
He is every cut that isn't fatal,
and he is not your last betrayal,

let yourself be broken and let yourself feel,
embrace every memory as it plays back on a reel,
trust the unknown even when you do not agree,
one day you will understand why it was never meant to be,

right now you can't fathom how any of this is true,
but believe me when I say, sometimes heartbreak saves you.