it's tough to stay awake.
i try to keep my head down,
go unnoticed.
but you see me.
my chin picks up and your smile is there,
you are there.
the world seemed quiet again.
i could never open my mouth to thank you for making my mind simply shut up.
i don't think you know how quiet you make my rattling bones.
i feel light seeing your smile.
do you know the power you hold in something so simple?

i'm seventeen years old.
out of those seventeen years, i spent more than half of them depressed.
the world fell apart around me and on top of me over and over again.
i asked for hugs from people who were supposed to love me and got hit instead.
but ---------

i would like there to be flowers and trees.
i would like to see my best friend again and my grandmother and everyone who's made me smile.
i'd like to lay on the flowers forever.

these tears in my eyes seem to never dry
and no dad,
i don't want anything for my birthday.
i don't know if i'll be here to blow out the candles.

reading a children's book about finding the happiness in the small things made me cry.
because i'm trying to find That happiness.
i know it's there but i can't see it anymore.
the light from my eyes feels like it's been taken away and i'm wondering more and more if this life is worth living.

i sat here realizing where the time went.
i feel like just yesterday i was in my mother's arms.
it feels so cold now.
under the rain,
it drowned out my thoughts but it made my heart heavier.
i spent the time now wondering how i ended up feeling so alone.
the concept of time seemed to go over my head as i silently watched the years go by like a movie.
i was speechless.
i was paralyzed.

sometimes the sky can seem overwhelming to me.
sometimes looking at it,
this big, great feeling washes over me and makes me feel still.
for this short while i feel my eyes and my mind make me relive everything that's been worrying me.
looking at the color changing sky,
i get the feeling of wanting to cry.
because worry and sadness and misfortune is woven into my existence,
it's a part of me that can't be erased and it's a part of me that no matter how hard i try i attract these negative things.
oh how i envy how i'm here and the sky is up there.
i want to chase it in hopes that one day i'll become a part of it.

it seemed impossible that flowers bloomed during the winter but with you around,
it was a meadow.
it felt like spring then summer then spring again.

why do i miss you even when you're near?
i can't feel your hand when it's interlocked with mine
and looking up at you,
with lost puppy brown eyes,
find me.
please find me.
i've separated myself from reality so much that i can't seem to find my way back.
so please,
find me.
help me feel something again other this feeling of disquietude.
please find me and get me out of this,
what common would call a "funk"
but if you knew me well enough you would describe it as what it is,
darkness.
i'm waving my hands to people i can't see,
things i can't see.
in total surrender on my knees,

i need to see light again.

i'm not supposed to feel like nothing around you.
my heart shrinks and i don't feel like the sea anymore.
i make myself for you.
i mold myself and put on a mask for you.
is it supposed to be like this?
all those cards that say your love is supposedly unconditional,
but to me,
it seems like it end at a certain extent.
no tight jeans, but no loose jeans either.
fitted shirts, but not shirts that make me look "like a boy". (even though that's the goal.
no shoes with dirt, but shoes that are too clean make us seem rich, which we Aren't.
"loose weight, but not too much weight."
"act like this, but don't say this."
i let you mold me over and over again just so i can see the smile on your face when i finally do something right.

i began to eat again.
i haven't told anyone.
no one really noticed anyways.
my hands didn't shake or turn the small packet of goldfish around to see the calories.
i felt okay eating them.
i ate all of it.

getting home,
i feel hungry.
and now,
i eat.
without guilt, without shame.
no small voice in my head tells me how big i am or how disappointed i should be in myself.

i take a deep breath if the voice comes back,
close my eyes and chew.
chew until i feel okay to swallow.

today,
i'm eating.
and tomorrow,
i will again.

i looked over at you,
your eyes were closed and you mouthed the words to every song that played over the earbuds we were sharing.
i was in awe.
you let me hold your hands and i smiled as you got more into the music and started dancing as we sat down.

it wasn't enough.
perfect attendance since kindergarten,
straight a's,
president of the student council,
studying to be a doctor or nurse or whatever the ******* wanted me to be.
dad, i'm trying.
dad, am i doing it all wrong?
i hid away my depression and anxiety for it made you uncomfortable.
and i know you don't believe in the black growing sadness that's inside of me and i hid away for so long,
just for you.
i cried and beat my way to where i am now.
for what?
dad, all i wanted was an "i'm proud of you.",
or a pat on the back.

did i do this all wrong?

i hope that after i tell you i'm your son,
you'll still love me.
that's my biggest fear.
losing you.
losing the people who raised me and were there for me when things kept falling apart.
the generation gap is a bit big but i hope that you can find it in your heart to,
at least,
accept me.
hug me and tell me i'm your son.
don't abandon me.
i know i'm older now but a boy still needs his parents.
i need you.
please keep loving me.

i spend my saturday with the curtains drawn,
covers over my head.
i pushed myself as deep into my mattress as i could,
in hopes that maybe i'd push myself deep enough to fall into another dimension.
one where i didn't cry as i stepped inside my house after the end of a day.
i wanted to sleep and wake up as someone else,
that's all i wanted.
for the first time in months, i've thought about taking my life.
planning to go for a walk and never come back.
i wanted to get lost and somehow disappear
and inside my head,
i was half way there.

i hurt myself over and over reading and rereading and creating words that made me think of you.
you,
the one who stayed by my side.
you,
the one who held my hand.
you,
the one who i'm ready,
finally ready,
to let go of.
you were my muse.
i wore you down in my mind until there were no other words to describe what happened between us.
the pain was replaced with inner pain but it was better than reliving us and ending my poems with "i love you".

the truth is,
i'm afraid to have friends.
there's something uneasy in my stomach about the thought of doing things friends do.
like hanging out,
and going places like the mall or wherever friends go.
and being vulnerable to them,
trusting them.

i see the trees,
their colors are changing with the season.
beams of sunlight catch my eye as the sun comes from around the corner.
as the wind blows,
i can almost swear there's diamonds in every leaf,
how each individually shines and glistens.
some trees stay still and it makes me want to too.
some trees are growing lemons,
the shade of an organic yellow reminds me of my first grade teacher's blouse,
how she'd love this season too.
i kept trying to hear what they were telling me,
i closed my eyes and heard the wind blow through the trees,
i couldn't make out any words anymore.

you called me and asked me over the phone if i liked you.
i was happy to hear your voice.
i told you i did.

hearing your voice,
a lump form in my throat and seeing you smile makes the world still.
my heart aches at the realization, once again, that you're in the sky.
my moon,
my stars,
my sun,
my everything,
i hope you're well.

i took down the curtains in my room.
looking around,
i felt
different.
today, i laid on my bedroom floor and looked out the window.
i could only see the sky and clouds.
i laid there for what seemed like hours.
you lied when you told me we'd be there together.
tears wet the sides of my face and my hands clutched my tshirt near my stomach knowing i'd be alone again soon.
the clouds i could see were moving,
moving ever so slowly.
soon, all i could see was the blue sky.

i wrote and wrote and thought and thought.
eventually i felt the tip of my nose sting and tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.
today, i don't want to blink them away.
today, i don't care if people see me and stare, whispering to their disciples asking who i am.
today, i don't care anymore.
i can't move two steps without wanting to fall to my knees.
my throat closed up and i didn't feel okay anymore.
am i destined to be like this?
is this the chemical imbalance?
is this because my mom left again?
is this the forever aftermath of three years ago?
am i not meant to be happy?
am i not meant to be okay?
is this a sign from the universe,
from your god,
from my god,
that i am not supposed to be here?

it won't be a long while until i see you
but i hope you can see me now,
i'm loving and growing.
i didn't know i could without you here,
i thought that since you were gone
that was it, but it's not.
i still feel you around and i still talk to you like before.
do you see me?
did you see me stay true to myself?
did you see do that?
do you see me live?
i'll be with you in years and years and years, don't worry!
it may seem long but we'll see each other again.
i can't wait to see you again.

how lucky i was to be loved by you.

i miss the warmth of your hand that rested on my back as the other pointed to the night sky, pointing to your favorite constellations.
i can't stop thinking about that night we were on the swing set and you told me you cared for me.
it was small but it meant everything to me.
drunk on your love, i felt the world spin faster,
as if it was trying to sync itself with my heartbeat.

i remember nervously giggling and feeling the heat run to my face as you touched the collar of my shirt.
how you would try to catch bunnies and how you told me you'd buy me a cat.
you always told me how much i meant to you and mattered
and because of you,
i started to believe it.

oh, how lucky i was to be loved by you.

in my last moments i would be saved,
i just know it.
whether it'll be someone or something,
it will help me find myself.

oh how i regret letting go of your hand.
i still remember the stars in your eyes as we shared this song,
we smiled and that's when i knew the world spun for us.
oh how i regret pushing you away.
i still remember you covering my ears as you waited with me in the cold weather.
we held hands.
oh how i regret letting go of your hand.

and just like that,
light, fresh air, seeing everything, seeing Myself, seeing how i've lived up to this point, everything, all of it
all at once.
the veil was lifted again and the person i was seems so far away.
there is no past.
this is a clean slate.
i am a new person.
i am not my past, it just happened to me, i am not stuck there because if i was, i wouldn't be here.

i am here.
i am not there or anywhere but here.
going up and forward.
no more looking behind my shoulder,
no more opening scars,
no more of that.

i am reborn.

i cut myself open to find new wounds,
to touch old scars that time "healed".

now i can't stop thinking of everything they all said;
"you have no friends because you're fat.
you're the reason you're always alone.
so scared all the time, of course no one wants to be around you,
you gained fat.
you're fat.
what are you wearing?
i don't love you anymore, maybe someone else will.
you don't get to leave.
you don't get to decide when this is over.
i wish i could just leave you here alone.
i don't want to look at you.
this is all your fault.".

all my fault.
it was my fault i was overweight, then underweight, then "just right".
you never saw those showers where i'd be hunched over,
mouth in a cup.

all my fault.
you made me believe i said the wrong things when i told you made me sad.
you left me when i told you you made me sad.

all my fault.
i wanted to leave you and you told me i couldn't.
i wanted to be free from you.

i want to sew myself back up and forget again.

in these moments,
the world seemed to shake instead of spin.
i forgot to breathe and i kept realizing that i've been holding my breathe without me even realizing it.
i wanted to come down from whatever this was.
i didn't know what i could've grasped onto,
for my arms were flailing everywhere.
my heart raced and i could hear my heartbeat radiate through my bones,
shaking them and making them feel like clanging spoons.
in these moments,
i felt the the urge  to run and keep running until my lungs hurt from the wind.
i wanted to run and escape these feelings.

but then everything was silent,
everything was silent.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over an over again.
your hand touched mind, bringing me back.
our hearts synced and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind of it is to be aline.
to truly be alive.

a journey through the home i lived in and the family inside it.
dinner on the table,
me eating a whole bowl of strawberries and falling asleep to whatever cartoon that was on tv,
elementary school homework,
and helping my mother putting up halloween decorations outside and inside of our home.
i would fall asleep with a full stomach and a smile on my face as my heavy eyelids slowly closed with every leaving thought.
years went by and things that were done before were no longer.
this house turned into slammed doors and nights of me sitting on the stairs hearing  yells and the screaming.
waking up with puffy eyes and a puffy face only to feel absent and not entirely There as i wrote down notes at school.
there was still hope.
i would fall asleep with worry.
years came and went and by the time i knew it all i knew where pencil sharpener blades and how to make myself drown out the shaking house.
i lost myself in my sleep as i was tangled in my sheets,
trying to make myself forget with pills.
i could feel the world on my shoulders and i wanted to cut the string that was keeping me alive.

i tried taking deep breaths,
i really did.
i counted to ten then backwards from ten then up to ten again.
i feel like i could stare at my wall for hours,
i feel nothing and everything right now.
my soul is clinging onto every emotion that it can
and right now,
that emotion is sadness and frustration.
this makes my eyes turn into an ocean and the lump in my throat forms so big i'm convinced i'll always feel this way.
breathing makes my heart feel heavy and i'm at the point where i've bottled everything up that me dropping my pencil might make me lose it.
i close my eyes in hope that it'll stop the tears from running but somehow,
then leave anyways.
i try so hard to push all the bad thoughts and thinking in general away,
"i have homework to do", i say.
suddenly i want to see red but i keep reminding myself,
i have homework to do.
the weight on my chest feels like it'll never leave me.

as much as i wanted to go home,
i couldn't.
i tried to calm rapid heart with tricks taught to me by my counselor.
this place made me feel anxious and small,
it left me speechless and  breathless.
i just want to go home.

the sky above didn't seem so beautiful anymore,
it was grey
all
the time,
it broke into pieces that fell on top of my head when i walked home school.
sometimes i would sit on the curb of my street,
wandering how many bandaids it'd take to fix the only thing that's been keeping breathing.

i can't do this on my own.
i've tried to fix my mind by myself for years and years and every time i think i'm getting better,
the thoughts and voices come back louder than last time.
i can't do this on my own.
mother, father, sister, brother, friends,
thank you for your endless love and warmth but
there are voices you can't silence,
there are wounds that i need someone to help me heal.
i can't do this on my own.

my head and sky continues to stay grey and gloomy.
i used to like this weather but as the air gets colder,
i both get excited to wear my autumn clothes and feel like the life has been ****** out of me
and i don't know why.
how could i be happy and sad at the same time?

hello, you.
it feels like sitting with someone new.
i can barely remember the first half of last year and can barely remember the reasons why i cried so much last year,
sometimes.
i know this year will be different
because you feel different.
but nonetheless,
i ask of you to treat me with kindness.
i'm starting everyday with deep breaths,
holding my hands to the ground,
reminding myself that you are in fact not out to get me.
you, please treat me kindness.

recently, i feel like i've become someone else,
my true self,
the person i was meant to be.

the universe kept making go through the same situations until i learned my lesson and kept true to myself.
test after test after test,
and i finally passed it.

i've realized that I am the light at the end of the tunnel,
I am the burning candle that lit my own way through the darkness,
I am the grass and sun on the other side,
I am my own answer,
i always have been.

you wrote my name on the fogged up window of your car.
after this, everything was supposed to be okay.
sitting next to you, everything was supposed to be okay.
i was supposed to be okay and feel okay,
i wanted to fall into your arms like i did before.
but i couldn't,
i didn't want to anymore.

i couldn't look past the deceit, the lies, the cheating.
i looked at you and didn't see the you i fell in love with.
i held your hand and didn't feel the warmth that you once had.
it just wasn't the same,
you weren't the same,
i wasn't the same.

i'm nothing.
why am i here?
will i ever be okay?
just breathe, levi.
why i am so useless?
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.

i felt my cheeks getting plumper as i smiled at you.
your voice made everything quiet,
i could think clearly again,
nothing felt too loud
not even my thoughts that would scream at me all the time.
you had the power to make me want to be here.
you opened your mouth and all i could think of were flowers blooming and trees in the wind.
we laughed and talked all night long,
giving each other hints at christmas presents.
the night came to an end,
it's two in the morning.
"i love you,
good night"
"i love you too."

a few bad experiences.
okay,
a lot of bad experiences.
and Okay,
they were really, really bad experiences.

all left me on my knees begging for something i didn't even realize i didn't need.
for years, i wanted to hide.
i wanted to close my heart to everyone that bat their eyelashes at me.
i was beyond of afraid.
i don't want a really, really bad experience again.

but,
now i realize i won't.
okay, maybe i will
but i know it won't hurt as much as it used to or it would if it was past me.
that isn't me anymore and every person is different.

so,
i will let them in.
my hands may shake and the butterflies in my stomach may be a warning for me to flee,
but i won't.

worry pooled into my stomach,
making it's way into my brain,
spoon feeding thoughts that make me glued to the earth.
the only thing i could do was write.

how are you still so perfect?
after all those sleepless nights and tears you've gifted me,
how are you still everything to me?
how are you still the light and the love of my life?
i remind myself of the time and yet,
it never changes the fact that i love you.
i always love you.

she told me to love myself like the way i love honey in my tea or the way love takes over me when i sing my favorite songs.

but i can't.

you've given me love and showed me what love was.
i don't regret a moment that i was with you,
whether that moment be happy or sad,
we were together and i'll never forget those moments.

but i'm giving you your heart back,
every piece that you've given me.
i wrapped it up tight and snug
and sailing it off to you.

there's a letter inside that says everything i can't put into words.
thank you for loving me
and thank you for letting me love you too.

it's still dark out but i know it's the morning.
i can hear the rain titter tattering on my window from where i'm sitting at my desk.
in this moment, right now, all i could think about was when the lights would go out from thunderstorms and my siblings and i would sit on my parents bed with them.
we would talk for hours, until we fell asleep,
sometimes my dad would tell us about how he grew up
and sometimes my mom would tell us stories about when we were just born.
in this moment, right now, all i can think about is air.
how it feels my lungs only for me to let it go then keep it close again then let go.
i can see the clouds slowly disappearing, taking rain showers with them.
the morning sun stretches across the infinite sky,
greeting me through my blinds.
i know the feeling of longing and i thank the sky for bringing almost forgotten memories every night.

when is it my time to be happy again?
the universe doesn't feel next to me anymore and i can't hear the ocean when i close my eyes anymore.
my bouncing, anxious leg kept me awake and i couldn't help but think of you.
oh you,
you,
you,
you.
where are you?
who are you?
when i think of you, you seem like a bad dream now.
a really, really bad dream.
a fairytale of storms and natural disaster.

i'm extremely okay with my life and me.
i feel comforted by the fact that one day i'll be owning my own bakery and coffee shop.
i'll be surrounded by the people i love and
i know that they'll love me back too.
i thank the univer for the good and the bad times,
for i know that they'll only do good in the end.

for years, i gave myself to many people.
lonely nights of wanting to just be wanted.
in my most vulnerable state,
i let them see me.

i met you and i felt the stars again.
your skin was soft and you told me that my broken beating heart wasn't meant to be like that.
those sweet words,
i knew what that meant.
i showed myself to him but he told me,
"you don't have to do that".
there was so secret intentions to the words that made my heart warm.

i was never around good, healthy relationships growing up. my parents were a bust, my older sister never taught me better. i grew to be someone who looked for someone who could give me what They all had.

subconsciously, i looked for someone who would hurt my heart so much that i believed that they did in the name of love. after years, i learned that, no, that wasn't love. that's not love. relationships aren't supposed to hurt you to the point where you have to learn to trust again. that's not love.

then i met you.

my heart weary, taking small steps towards you.
hands behind my back, i wondered what this would be.
i couldn't look you in the eyes,
i was afraid i could see the pain you would inflict on me behind your pupils.

but it wasn't like that,
not at all.
i went to sleep every night knowing i mattered to you,
i woke up every morning feeling butterflies.
i finally feel like a teenager.
thinking of you makes my cheeks hurt and i imagine us dancing in the kitchen,
i imagine us together, simply together.

i'm afraid to tell you i love you but i know it's real,
and i know you feel it too.
i know that this feeling is mutual and that's all i need right now.

i would never have to spend nights crying over the same thing.
i could forget who i am and who i used to be.
is that even a question?

but that isn't a thing.
i will probably never forget who i am or
who i was, or
what i've been through.
there are starting to be more times where i don't know if this is still a chemical imbalance or
i just won't let go of the past even though it's piercing my hands.

i found myself at a loss of words.
i held my arms up in defeat when i couldn't find the words to the simplest question,
"how are you?"
because i don't know nor do i want to.
everything seems neutral, like it should be
and it's never been like this.
god, i couldn't stop talking in future tense or in third person.
i've been trying to get better at reading lips but nothing seems to work,
the words you speak don't even go over my head or in one ear and out the other.
from your mouth,
the words on the way to me get diced and grated to the point where my brows are furrowing and eventually
my face getting red asking if you could repeat that
again.