i threw away his toothbrush today.

earlier, i tried handing you a note, you rejected it.
this afternoon, i attempted a hug, but you pushed me away.
minutes ago, i said "goodbye" rather than my usual "goodnight, i love you.".
tomorrow, you'll realize, that was my suicide note, i wanted you to try one last time, and that was my final goodbye.

(a.b)

the moment i met you,
i just knew
we'd be much more
than acquaintances.
but from what id gathered,
i still had much in store.

the meeting of you
has changed my life
in the most dramatic point of view.

it seems,
still to this day,
that there was no middle man.
we went from strangers to best friends.
not a moment dull or grey.

but what still shocks me to have known
is that from then to now,
we have grown.
dont ask me how
for i never thought it possible
to have someone so close.
yet we seem to blow my
previous theories and thoughts away
each passing day.

(a.b)

I've woken up every morning
with bruised knees, swollen lips, and a picture of you burned into my skull. But never a memory explaining. I guess it's irony, because you left me, on the floor with bruised knees, swollen lips, and an unforgettable scene, without explaining.

(a.b)

i scroll through
the symptoms;
the signs once more
finally screen-shotting them
only so i do not have to keep
looking and re-looking
them up

i rummage through the very
personal box of writings
hidden under my bed
i find the paper
with the heading of:
How I See Me, How I Am
following the undepthed title
is a list of short, spiked written words,
words that, all though so very short, mean so much
and ache even worse

down to the bottom of the list my finger skims
my eyes scattered throughout the words
and my tears scarring the paper
finally at the the bottom
i grab the pen and finish the list
with one simple word

depressed

(a.b)

hello?*
you promised me
you promised that youd be
everything i could ever need
but where are you now
now that im really scared
and i need you more then ever
i think that ive killed myself.

- a. m. b.

sometimes the sun shines
and others it glows,
it's hard to tell the difference
i guess nobody really knows.
we all love sunsets
and sunrises too,
but which we love more, we do not know
but i for sure know, that i do love you.

(a.b)

someone once told me
"high school turns you into a monster"
but I don't believe that.
I believe high school is the time when the inner monsters living deep inside are finally pushed over the edge and forced to breath, see, and feel through the body it's been hibernating in.

(a.b)

i obviously love you more than toast,
because i love you the most.

i definitely love you more than a roast,
because i love you the most.

i surely love you more than the island coast,
because i love you the most.

id hate to boast,
but i love you the most.

(a.b)

minutes before the bell was to ring,
i sat down in the seat that i sat in every other morning.
the one that was partially by the window and near you at the same time,
and the way the light reflected of your skin and into my eyes set the mood and made my day better just like that.
but, as the bell rang you were not to be found and so i sat and wondered where you were and when you'd come back.
and moments after those thoughts occured,
i remembered that you'll never mentally come back, because you called us quits.

(a.b)

is what i think about
when im alone
in the dark
maybe its the darkness getting to my eyes, leading to my head that you have altered
or maybe its the way i can see your glowing smile in the light of the moon
fact over fiction tells me its the pain trapped in my heart
in every scenario, you are the cause of my never ending pain

(a.b)

tonight, like every other night,
is filled with heartbreak,
of every variety.
the couple outside the bar is yelling and screaming over the music.
the love bugs, that have been together for months, are finally separating.
my heart has heard the note of an opera singer and has shattered that the way glass would.
the ocean currents have torn the school of fish apart.
another star has died and the moon sits quitly in a frown of a glow.
everything, that didn't break yesterday and that is supposed to break tomorrow, has broken tonight.

(a.b)

camera around my neck
tears in my eyes
a lump in my throat
a pen in my hand
notebook in my lap
glasses on face
ponytail in my hair
headphones around my head
and yet, you are still on my mind.

(a.b)

tonight i will replace
draining my blood
and the sight of the dark, intriguing, red liquid,
being wrenched from my body with the familiar of wine.
I've never been one to like the taste,
so **** and untastful,
but it's as if my taste buds have changed and the recipe was switched fore I've never tasted anything sweeter.

(a.b)

I’m in love with someone who loves me back. I see right into them, and that is how I know we have the same heart. A heart that is struggling to beat, because the pain is always constant, but the fear is even stronger. I know how they feel and how they love, but I also know that as much as we love one another, our combined fear will always hold us back from being one. Our fear is stronger than our love. ab

One year ago today, I was in a much darker place. I didn’t know happiness and I didn’t care to. I was content with being miserable. Today, although I may not stand any taller, I stand. I find the light in the darkest of places and have learned to adapt to the darkness that is around every corner. I know glimpses of happiness and I miss when it’s not in my palms. I am content with nothing but my dreams today. One year ago today, I didn’t see a tomorrow, but today I see everything. (a.b)

a ratty, mangled tooth brush and
two years of lost socks scattered throughout my house,
is what i am left with.

i go to bed alone.
i wake up alone.
i brush my teeth,
and there lies the toothbrush.
i can't get myself to toss it to the curb,
much like you did me.
i feel that the moment i do that
all hope is gone
and you'll never come back.
chances are,
you aren't coming back,
but i know the day i toss it is the day i not only lose you,
but i lose myself too.

your sock habits always made me giggle.
from holy socks to your moms floral, fuzzy socks,
you always left them everywhere.
we could be mid supper
and you would bend down to take them off.
i used to find it annoying,
constantly picking up smelly socks
in the weirdest of places,
but now when i find those socks
that i hadn't found before,
it brings me happiness.

i don't know if i will ever be able
to get rid of your toothbrush
or if i will ever find the last of your socks,
but i hope that i don't
because the day that happens
is the day i'm forced to say goodbye.

as i sat and pondered about my future
our future
i became lost in the alternative outcomes
too busy daydreaming to realize what was really occurring

(a.b)

It got to the point where
I thought I was even more depressed than I was,
the person who was supposed to be helping was making it worse,
I had given up on everything that had once given me joy.
All of this happened because I thought I was depressed.

(a.b)

I can still feel the goose bumps lingering beneath my skin,
as well as the heat radiating from every place on my body you touched.

your voice is still clearly heard in my eardrums,
it's as if the sound never left.

a fragrance such as yours, so delightful and natural, still smothers my pillows and blankets,
I close my eyes late at night and feel as if you're there.

your lips, oh how i miss them, the taste of your lips entwined with my own was unforgettable,
yet I have somehow forgotten, it's been too long.

all of your features were a treat to any ones sight, but more so mine,
I saw your every detail as if it were a gift from god himself.

i love you, all of you.

(a.b)

sometimes
we all forget whats important
and whats simply not
but we all find our way,
you are my way
and you are whats important
if it wasn't for you i wouldn't be here
thank you for that,
but i now realize
that the damage has already been done
and so am i
so thank you but i'm sorry

(a.b)

We expect too much, or maybe too little. In any case of the indecisive mind we should never have to expect someone to be there in a time of need for we all are in a constant time of need.

(a.b)

A shooting star is actually pronounced dead way before you see the shooting star
the shooting star is just the reminisce of the dead star
you see, a star will die but it's light will still shine for up to thousands of years due to the fact that light travels at a certain rate and it's so far away from our viewable perceptive
it's quite funny because it was the same way for me
I was dead but it took that final closure to realize it;

it took my physical death to realize my mental death.

(a.b)

It just feels like the world is against me
As if my back is arched in the opposite direction of the wind
The suns rays are draining me of my color
My foot steps are all backwards
I can't seem to take a breath with out gasping for air
With every word I say comes a sigh of disgust
My life is full of disappointment and the world isn't making it any easier

(a.b)

You can only say
hes different around me
So many times
Before you realize you're actually trying to persuade yourself.

(a.b)

Time after time
She threw herself into that well
Knowing, hoping
Someone would save her
But as time went on and she continued to do so,
They got sick and tired of saving her from her own self
So there she sat in that well,
And there she died in that well.

(a.b)

he's a ******* devil in my mind
but passion in my eyes.

(a.b)

trees in fast motion are like spirits disappearing off to where ever they're meant to be.

(a.b)

chalk on the sidewalk,
children at play,
another moment a memory,
another day put away.

(a.b)

is it wrong that when you hugged me good night i got butterflies and they haven't gone away since, is that wrong?
is it weird that i haven't seen you in a year and haven't thought about you more than three times since, but now i can't stop, is that weird?
is it unusual that i'm very very thrilled that i get to see you every morning and every night and everywhere in between for the next few weeks, is that unusual?
is it strange to say that i think i may love you, is that strange?

(a.b)

you looked me in the eyes
you apologized
you call me beautiful
you called me baby
you told me you missed me
you told me you were sorry
you held me tight
you wouldn't let me go
just like my feelings for you
which have started to grow

(a.b)

you are two different people
whereas i am the stars.
you're always going back and forth between being the sun and the moon.
but whenever you are the sun i seem to fade away.
im still there, but its as if im invisible.  

(a.b)

here i sit
writing to you, my friend,
with my wrist slit.

ive finally done the deed
and a goodbye
is in much of need.

i didnt want to go
without a single goodbye
but i sat and pondered
as to who i should write to.

with the blood gushing
and thoughts slowing
your name came to mind
so now im writng and rushing.

i only have moments left
not that youd care
for you stole my heart in theft.

you had no intentions to give
it back without any wounds
so here i sit not wanting to live.

goodbye my old friend.

- a. m. b.

this is to my best of friends
the only one i could trust
and the only one a goodbye is a must.

i finally decided to do the deed
and i surely hope to succeed
im sorry to have to tell you this but a goodbye was of need.

ive been all too sad you see
and to me
i couldnt deal and im sure you are to disagree.

i hope you understand
and i know this isn't so very grand
but im sorry that i will no longer be able hold your hand
and tell you youll be okay to stand.

goodbye.

(a.b)

as i sit,
sit and wait
sit and think
sit and deprive myself of humanity,
which doesn't exist any longer,
i start to question why
why did all of this happen
why now
why me
but then i remembered,
i'm a **** up and thats why

(a.b)

we all base the way we mature on self improvement.
i just wish that some people would realize that they were perfect the way they were.
because they honestly were perfect.

(a.b)

it's kind of strange
when the news of a loved one passing
is less painful than the news of a loved one moving on

(a.b)