“You are worth more than the marigolds”
I am assured by my loving mother as a child
I believe her because the beauty in everything flow’rs and flourishes
when you’re young
The world is yours to take, everyone is yours to meet, everything is yours to do;
and I believe her.

“You are worth more than the marigolds”
My first friend at school proclaims,
and I believe them.
We’ve tackled ***** training and preschool, now onto the playground and phonics!
We run and run together, taking the world like we’ve
whispered once before;
and I believe them.

“You are worth more than the marigolds”
The middle school test scores announce,
and I believe them.
Primary school is in the past and I’m ready for responsibility!
I put on makeup to feel pretty, care about my grades more than the teachers believe and flash my smile to the boys who spit “compliments” at my feet;
and I believe them.

“You are worth more than the marigolds”
but.. I don’t believe them anymore.
I’ve gained just enough confidence to smile at everyone in the halls in case they are having a bad day.
Suddenly my youthful euphoric vision is graffitied with hateful words and violence.
I run and constantly chase the innocence of the world,
being surrounded by darkness.
My self esteem has hit an all time low. Why is the world this way?
My friends and I chase what we used to believe and end up in deep holes;
and I don’t believe them anymore.

“You are worth more than the marigolds”
And it doesn’t matter.
I have lost all hope of finding that beauty.
My heart is an aching mess of “I love you”’s
But all I hear is “you are meaningless”
Slowly these phrases of deep hate sear into my soul
I hear them every day and every night
You are meaningless
You are not worthy
You could not possibly be good enough
Until I wake up one dismal morning to realize that I have been defined by the ones around me.

“You are worth more than the marigolds”
..and enough!
Because even my friends who say I’m worth something turn around and sneer at others like they can’t too be loved.
Because while the world screams “I hate people” I whisper
“but I don’t”.
But that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things
because we’ll find someone who loves us, right?
No.
Our words between just us mean nothing if we spin around and
spit in others’ faces.

And we know we hurt because we’ve been hurt but we don’t stop, none of us stop.

I dream of a world that screams a vulnerable
“I love you”
out into the world instead of a pulsing
“I hate you”
And a world that remembers that we are all worthy of love and not only the kind that makes you blush.

“You are worth more than the marigolds”
The phrase I’ve heard since I was in my mother’s gentle hold
can only mean so much when you think you’re crumpled.
Stashed away until you’re needed
always feeling so defeated
but the truth
not told enough
to our weakened souls
We are all worth more than the marigolds

And she wakes,
every morning
She rises and prepares
for a new fight
“Today will be better,
I will be stronger”
She whispers to herself
as she steps out into the world
but it’s all in vain today
She falls again and again
with once tender,
now bitter words
searing into her chest
She can’t stand, she can’t breathe
“Oh my world my love
Why have you abandoned me?”
She lets out in a rush of
red hot agony and
strife
And just like any other day
she runs home to realize
everything she comes to place her eyes upon
she sees through broken and tired eyes
there’s no safety, here.
And as quickly as the strike began
it ends
lay down
get some sleep
“Tomorrow will be better,
I will be stronger”

INTP
Introvert
Intuitive
Thinker
Perceiver
Highly intellectual but
score lower than expected on
standardized tests
Fascinated with the world
Plan maker and
abandoner
Frighteningly unemotional and seemingly moves on from devastating events rapidly
Acts self absorbed but
truly cares for people under the cold exterior
Often feels detached from the world
Unable to articulate great idea and thoughts exactly
Loves to argue and debate
for learning sake but
some don’t see it as
friendly banter
Called the mad scientist without
convention
An absent-minded wonderfully built learner,
That INTP

I will wait for the one who feels like baking sugar cookies
For the one that smells like climbing trees
For the one that looks like a morning after sleeping in a hotel
For the one that sounds like smiling before a roller coaster takes off
For the one that tastes like swimming way after the sun has gone down
I will wait.

no matter how much i sleep, rest, or nap i'm exhausted
i've taken to yawning in my favorite class.

no matter how easy i take it, my body still aches when i move
it's frankly rather disquieting.

no matter how much i clear out of my head, i'm still hurting
letting go of difficult situations is hard.

no matter how ahead i get, i'm still stressed for the next thing
the rapidity of life is eating away at me.

no matter how kind i am to those around me, i still know shame
impulsivity of emotion is a thinker's nightmare.

no matter how much faith i have, i still feel uncertain
my god is for me, but it feels like life is against me.

no matter how mature i am, i am still undercut by those older than me
focusing on the positive is not going to be theraputic right now.

no matter how much control i have, i'm still shackled to my anxiety
i cannot just "calm down" to ease your or my own conscience.

no matter how many decisions i make, there is still much left undone
slowing down is a luxury, one i take guiltily and not without consequence.

no matter how much i improve, i'm still bound to expectation of perfection
humanity is not perfect, and neither am i, broken and inadequate, but we try, oh we try.

no matter how much joy is in my life, i still feel the crushing weight of depression.
i said i was doing better

no matter how much i am validated by my loved ones, i still hurt myself
my eating disorder has infected my system completely, down to my bones.

no matter how many breaks i take i'm still being driven into the ground
crying because of household tasks is pathetic.

no matter how much i try to pretend life is not stressful,  it's
digging itself into my heart and soul.

i am not okay, and those who know it are trying to keep themselves afloat
i can't escape this tired, this exhausted, no matter how hard i try.

And one cold fall day
The cats come out to play
As the cold wind whips
The cats purr and lick
Roaming through the narrow streets
Meowing cats black and sleek
On top of still cars
Content and undisturbed so far
Running and jumping and whipping their tails
Climbing rails and making trails
A cold breeze nips their noses
As they sniff around for roses
But all that's in the air
Is a cold fall breeze bare
Bitter and freezing
But the cats continue scheming
Unaware of their effect in large numbers
They run out of the way of motors
On that cold fall day
That the cats come out to play

And honey sometimes I know you're not okay but
I can't get up the courage to ask
In fear that
I ask the wrong question

I want to un-know
So I don't hurt.
It's selfish, but
the knowledge brings me
much pain.

Go out and search for yourself.
Find small pieces of you in the veins of a friend
Or inside the forest.
Find your soul sprinkled in some foreign city
Miles away from home
Or in your backyard
Mingling among the flowers.
Search for the bakeries
That call your name from within
Or the stranger that smiles at you as you pass.
Search yourself out;
There, you will find, is the purest reflection of you.

With one look
You set my soul on fire
Lit it up like the Fourth of July

With one glance
My heart engulfed in flames
And my breath labored

An illness I never want to build immunity to

Sorry for existing
I want to say
but I know you won't understand
you'll try to fix me with your words
"don't say that, you are worth everything"
the only kind of worth I have stings when I try to wear it
I'm beaten and it's too painful to wear my scars today

Sorry for existing
I know I didn't do anything to hurt you
but I hurt myself enough to convince my worn down mind to let me
stay in under the covers today
"Just choose to be happy"
if I could choose to be happy don't you think I would have already tried that
my eyes are so tired I'm hallucinating
about a better time

Sorry for existing
your messages are pounding in my head like a migraine
"But you look fine"
Sometimes violent does not have a face,
only a stomach drop
an empty room
an emotionless drone
I can't cry out for fear my mind would hear
and lock me back in

Sorry for existing
Maybe I just won't for a while
"You don't mean that, pain is temporary"
No, I'll just rest and hope sleep is kinder.

This year,
love has so many more meanings than the last.
Love takes up more of the space in which emptiness lived until now.
This year, love can be definable,
or not.
I've learned that some types of love do not sound like
"I love you"
but can only be felt.
In the kind touches of a companion,
of a new little sister,
or of your cats.

Love that can only be seen,
in the pictures of you and your best friend at a party,
in the face of someone who will stay on the line until you say goodbye first,
in your co-star on stage when you realize you've got it down.

Love that can be defined, but only in the obscurist of ways
because who are we kidding;  we're teenagers.
"You are so good"
"I can't wait to see where life takes you"
become immense words of love.

Love only whispered,
in paying for your friend's coffee,
in adding a special touch on a card,
in promising to run away with your best friend when she shows up crying about her mother.

Love,
a light touch of mysticism, the kind that makes you stay out late talking in a Walmart parking lot,
the kind that fills you when you make plans to run away to the city after graduation,
the kind that takes you 40 minutes to get lost in before realizing it.

This year was spent loving,
maybe not even myself most of the time, but loving nonetheless.
A swift movement, a soft turn,
and here we are.
A new year of undefinable, definable, mystical, whispered, and purposeful love.
I can't wait to see where life takes us next.

I want to love violently,
Ripping everything to shreds with the power it gives me.
I want to love gently,
Dragging my fingers slowly across your cheek where the sun kisses it good morning.
I want to love adventurously,
With our hair whipping in the wind on the way to a city far away, driving music blaring.
I want to love intentionally,
By grabbing your hand and ditching a party to kiss in the dark because you're the only one I want to be with.
I want to love with overflowing passion,
Running to catch the bus and then our breaths after coffee took too long.
I want to love without thinking,
Dialing your number automatically for the slightest of things.
I want all these things for my love, but most of all
I want to love you,
Forever.

and then there were poems written about him.

I want to tell you so badly how excited I am to not be friends with you anymore.

The glory of God awakens a piece inside us. In our regular lives, how often does one get the amazing feeling of God being there and smiling down at them? More often than not, they're are unable to feel his constant encouragement to keep going and to work through the bad times.
So what is it about many children of God are praising and praying together, we can suddenly feel all the positive energy, the excitement, and the love God is sending us?

Rage licked her insides
Until it burst from her
In an almighty inferno,
Tearing apart everything
Unclean in her vicinity.
She demanded that her life be worth something,
And it was.

I don't want you to know anything
I want someone else to tell you about
me,
when I'm gone.

I've cut you out of my heart but you still invade my mind-- I see you in my sleep but you are still a memory I refuse to bring back to reality.