Does it ever really go away? That feeling? You know which one I’m talking about. How many times a day do you look back? Why can’t you stop looking back? Do you still think about them? What made your heart go cold? How many years has it been since someone saw the light in your eyes? Do you ever think about that? Who damaged you so bad that you can’t let anyone in anymore? Do you still think about them too? How often does your heart ache? Tell me, what caused that emptiness that you can’t seem to get out. Do you even want to get it out? Tell me why you don’t feel like yourself without your sadness. Where do your memories go? The ones you’ve forgotten. Do you appreciate people enough? One day they’ll be gone. When was the last time you felt genuine love?

Fast forward to when you choose to stay, when we're not worrying about anything else.
Let's fast forward to wen you're holding my hand and driving down an empty street.
Let's fast forward to when I trace "i love you" on your skin before you fall asleep.
Let's fast forward to when I'm not scared anymore and finally say it out loud.
Let's pause here.
This is what falling feels like.
Press play.
I kiss you and you tell me how glad you are this happened.
Pause this.
Let's go back to when I first met you;
they way you rolled your eyes and the way you smiled, I wish you had kissed me.
Let's pause here.
I want this moment to last forever.
Fast forward to when you don't leave,  you don't give up on me when I get difficult. You stay, forever.
Let's pause here.
press play

At night when I look up I still see the constellations I named after you, they’re still there, but you’re not; and it’s just another reminder that you’re gone.
You only called me when she wouldn’t pick up and you kept calling that love, you almost convinced me it was.
But i loved you anyways.
I loved you until I was empty and still, then I found other ways to love you like thinking of you at 4.am while you were too busy falling in love with her.
Sometimes I have to follow your ghost to the house that became abandoned the day you left so I can feel at home. I can’t tell the difference between that house and my heart anymore.

It’s 4.am and my whole world just came crashing around me as I realized, you’re forgetting about me, and there’s nothing i can do about it.
It’s times like these I wish you still loved me, or that we met sooner, I knew about you and how similar we are, how our minds work the exact same way.
Maybe then I wouldn’t have swallowed a bottle of pills when I felt like I had no one.
You never had to push me away like this you could have just let me go, but you didn’t.
Why didn’t you let me go?
And you still don’t get it,  i’ve lived a hundred lifetimes and still loved you a million ways in each. I wish you knew that I can’t look at anything beautiful anymore cause I can’t share it with you.
Today I screamed “I ******* MISS YOU” in the same forest I told you about and how every time i walked through it, I felt like you were there walking along with me.
I wish you could feel what I feel.
I wish you knew that I’m still in love with you.

You’ve been gone for so long, your absence has turned everyone else into ghosts.
Everyone’s been asking me what happened to us.
I tell them you’re gone because it’s easier than telling them how you left me, taking every piece of my heart with you.
I still go back to the sea you drowned me in the day you left, expecting to find a reason why you ever left or when she stole your heart.

My mother and Father were never in love, it took them less than  5 years to get sick of each other, everyone around them said to* “Stay Together For The Kids”
I never really understood the song until the day my mother held me, crying.
Her voice shaking she said *“they’re not all like your father.”
I could hear her heart breaking.
Their hearts were rotting out of their chest and the silence between them slowly suffocated them both.
So when you came along i loved you with everything i could.
7 months later and you were gone.
Word on the street was that your eyes were dimming and there was nothing i could have done to save you this time.
Last December i was writing about loving you; this December i wrote about missing you.
And when you left i tried to cut your words out of my veins but i cried and bled in the shower when i realized
you were still here.
It’s been 8 months since you left and i can’t even find the words to describe how much i miss you or how warm your eyes were and i wish i had found the strength to say “please don’t leave me” while i still had you

Maybe home is you coming back to stay. Maybe it’s hearing you say “I love you” again. All I know is that I’m homesick for you.

If you’re going to love me, you might as well dig your own grave. Loving me is disaster; it’s hell. I will love you so ******* hard you’ll feel it digging into your bones and when i leave, that love will leave cracks. You’ll feel my absence in the depths of your heart eating away at everything you ever felt for me. I will break your heart and write about how you shattered mine.

-I’m scared that no one will ever fall in love with me I’m scared I’m so scared
And then you came along. It’s been years. Moving on from you is like leaving home and I’m so ******* homesick. You are my favourite constellations, you are my favourite I love you’s, you weren’t someone I loved. ****. You were my whole world. How am I gonna move on from that?

If i were to die, during the autopsy, they would find your name etched into my ribcage. They would find your fingerprints all over my heart. You and everyone else promised you wouldn’t leave but why don’t you get it? And I remember seeing home in your eyes and telling you i was terrified of falling in love with you, And i guess this is what it’s like hearing someone say they don’t love you anymore when you still love everything about them, and that made me wonder if it’s possible to love someone so much it stars tearing up your insides.

Don’t talk like you’re coming back.

Some days I have to breathe a little bit louder, cry a little bit harder, just so that i can realize I'm still alive without you.
Some days I can still hear the beating of whatever is left of my heart and if I could take all that is left and give it to you.
And I'm starting to think that you left because I ran out of lovable pieces and all that was left of me was the pent up anger and self-hatred.
And maybe one day I will be okay without you, but I will never stop missing you.

How did you stop missing me so fast? I need to figure out how to get you out of my head. Nothing works. Thank you for the best 4 years of my life, i wouldn’t be alive right now if it weren’t for you. You know things about me no one else does and things no one else ever will. I want to thank you for making me feel like i was worth something. Thank you for the past years, i’d be lying if said i wasn’t crying while writing this.  Thank you for telling me you loved me because I needed to here it, I needed to know that someone wanted me to stick around.

You were my light, my sun, my world. You made my days brighter. And now I’ll have to cope with living in the darkness. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I’m reading our old conversations and it hurts to know that these are all the memories we will ever have with each other.

Back then you saved my life. You don’t know how much I loved you. You made me a better person. You made me see what really matters in life. I am so thankful for having you in my life, and I’m so happy I meant something to you. Everybody sees how wonderful you are, everybody notices you’re made of pure gold. If you call, I’ll answer. If you ask me to be there,  I will, because you will ALWAYS mean so much to me.

If I have one regret it’s loosing you. Let the sleepless nights begin. I can’t even switch my brain off. I’m so messed up over you. But hey that’s life right? and it’s okay.

Yes we drifted apart but i still considered you my best friend because there wasn’t anyone in the world that knew me like you did. I saw you as someone who will be with me for the rest of my life but that was just me being delusional. When your just so casually replaced you almost don’t notice, i wish i had noticed, **** i really wish i had.

I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger each day. But then there are those lonely nights, or the mornings when I wake up and remember that you’re gone, or the empty voids of time where we used to talk and everything i had built up comes crashing down. But i will be okay, i want you to know that. i love you, you taught me so much about life and myself, so thank you.

It’s okay that I couldn’t make you stay, I promise to never forget you.

I love you so much

Aries* - Tell me why you keep picking at the scars on your heart. Why won’t you let the wounds mend?

Taurus - How come every time someone asks you to describe ‘home’, the only thing that comes to your mind is their eyes and the sound of their heartbeat?

Gemini - Why does you heart still ache when you see them together? Is it because they never left or they did, but you’re still there?

Cancer - Do you still think about them? Late at night when the world is asleep? Do you think of how many times you could have saved them but never found the strength to save yourself first?

Leo - Tell me about 'almost’. How you were almost good enough. How they almost wanted you. They almost stayed. But you were there. forever.

Virgo - Be honest, why do you look away when someone makes eye contact with you? Do you see them in everyone? Their eyes are ones you will never forget.

Libra - What happened to them? The one you once told everything to? Your stomach still drops at the sound of their name doesn’t it? Why do you put all your strength into bringing them back when you know that they’re gone

Scorpio - You spend years building up walls hoping someone will break them down, but it’s getting lonely isn’t it? You’ve been on your guard for so long, tell me about the nights you try to put the pieces of your heart back together

Sagittarius - Why do you still hold on to every moment that defined them? Ever since they left, you’ve been drinking liquor the way they had it.

Capricorn - When was the last time you looked in the mirror and recognized your reflection? How long have you been faking a smile to hold back all the pain?

Aquarius - Do you ever wonder if the reason why you feel so empty, is because you let so many take pieces of you, you didn’t think you’d ever need. They made themselves from all the love you could give.

Pisces - Why can’t you forget them? Is it because they promised they would never leave, or a part of you still has hope that they will come back?

1.* I drove past the airport where we first met, i swear i saw your smile in the breeze.

2. I see you in every sunset and sunrise. When i looked at you, i saw the skies in your eyes. Now when i look at the sky all i see is your eyes.

3. Your name used to make my heart ache and my hands shake, but now just makes me stomach drop and i don't know which one's worse.

4. Every time my phone rings, i still hope it's you.

5. I liked your hair, and you liked the way she moaned. I can't feel anything.

You run with the stars and get lost in the wind; poetry falls from your lips like raindrops.
Your eyes are the sea, one second a silent shore and the next, a ******* hurricane.
Your love turned my thoughts into quicksand, and hope was like endless vines growing through your veins.
Your mind is a storm and your smile is the sunshine.

I try to avoid going to lonely places.
This lonely place is sometimes just a feeling, or a thought—but one that is able to drive me close to insane.
On the rare occasion that this lonely place is actually something bearable, there is nothing else I feel but your presence.
That day I first met you, it might seem silly but- it was my first day at the new school, and you were the first to smile at me.
It made me really really happy.
I’m saying this now; you mean a lot to me.
We’ll forget each other, we’ll forget that we ever spent a day together. And that’s fine by me, as long as we both hold ourselves steady.
You are the only lonely place I’m not afraid to visit.

I will be honest with you, most days i wake up and my first though is you.
2. I’ve spent days in my thoughts, waiting for someone’s smile to open the door; and there you were- I’ve been waiting for you.
3. And all the songs i’ve been listening to finally made sense, i never thought they would.
4. You’re my 4.am thoughts. You  have been for the past year.
5. Oh my god i love you more than you will ever know.
6. I never know what to say and i’m sorry, but if i could even find the courage to say something it would be “please don’t get tired of me.”
7.I love you, i love you so ******* much. You will always be my insomnia, my lat night thoughts.
8.I adore you.
9.I know i get annoying and i frustrate you a lot, thank you for putting up with me.
10.I will always be in some kind of love with you, i hope you know that.
11. I still love you at 4.am
12. I fell in love with you, you don’t have to love me back. But i gave you my heart, please be gentle.
13. 4 shots later and the only name i manage to slur out is yours.
14. All the songs make sense now, they were about you.

Look, if we start fighting again please just pull out the knives you've been hiding under your pillow for so long,
and go right for my ******* heart.
Please just hurt me like you did that night i thought you were the love of my life but i ended up walking home with shaky hands and blood stained fingernails as if i'd been scratching on a wall with your words all over it
i want to feel the pain in my heart one last time
because i know you don't love me anymore
i need to feel the pain in my heart one last time
so i know it's real

I’m sorry i tried to make a home out of you
used your bones as shelter
hid my insecurities under your skin;
my jealousy under your tongue
I’m sorry i wrote all over your skin to reassure myself that you still loved me.
I’m sorry i tried to light a fire in your heart to keep myself warm
And when you left,
i felt homesick
your words bled through my heart and cracked my ribs
nights of walking home alone trying not to throw myself into traffic.
This morning a friend called me and he noticed my voice sounded different and i told him i was smiling, because i was thinking of you.
He asked about you and i told him,
i told him you were a lesson i needed to be taught, you were adventurous, spontaneous, and i loved you.
I told him you were like that one song that you never get tired of no matter how many times you listen to it, i told him you were that great.
In the end he noticed my voice was different again and i told him it was because i wasn’t smiling anymore.
I’m sorry i tried to make a home out of you;
when you are so much more than a place to hide.

You told me that there comes a time where you give up on yourself and when you do, your body gives up on you too. Tell me about the nights you would give anything. Anything to bring them back and see them smile one last time. Tell me about love, who would you call at 4 am when you're broken into so many pieces, you're not sure you can be put back together. Why don't you remember the colour their eyes? Tell me about the day you lay in your bed stealing all the synonyms of 'lonely' out of the thesaurus and writing them all over your body, tell me, who's name is on your mind when you're on the bathroom floor with blood stained arms and throwing up everything they ever said to you.

Finding comfort in liquor and meaningless kisses.
I'm a walking hurricane
But you didn't care and kissed me anyways,
I didn't know you were scared of thunder until the day came where my skies became gray and it started raining in my heart
My storm came,
Secrets stained with blood and covered in old scars you still don't ask me about
Our souls danced like the falling raindrops
Shadows of us just watched as the day you took my heart away forever
And when you left
There was an eternal winter inside me
I tried to fill it with late midnight men who didn't know my name
And i only knew yours
Waves of insanity slowly creeping up at me as i try to block them because ****
i love you, i love you, i love you,
but you don't love me anymore

No, you just don’t get it. You took my breath away and left a galaxy spinning inside me and i haven’t stopped thinking about you since. I want you to know that i look for you every day in the comfort of a cup of coffee, the pages of my favourite book, the best parts of the songs that rip my heart to shreds, unanswered calls,  i look for you in everyone i meet.
You see, if i could only find the words to tell you how much i adore you. And i love you. I love you. I love you, but i never know when to say it.
See, i want to tell you everything, why i fell in love with you when i swore to myself i would never let someone close to me. Why your eyes look like a home.
I want to know about the deepest parts of your soul, the parts that you’re convinced no one could ever love.

You cracked my ribs and ripped my heart out, and stole the stars out of my sky and planted them in your eyes, in that moment i swear i realized that you were not my world anymore, you were my universe.  Now i’m trying to scrape up what’s left of me off the sheets we made love on, but my hands are still drenched in your blood.
You broke the right pieces of me, and i admire you for that.
No one has ever been able to take my breath away like you did that night you spoke like soft kisses on my neck while my hands were tangled in the knots of your soul, i swear it was the happiest i’d been in years. Remembering the comfort i found in your eyes made me feel homesick.

your words are like ink bleeding into my skin and i think they seeped too deep because now i can still feel you under my skin making a home in my veins.
“you’re beautiful” doesn’t mean a thing anymore, i buried myself so deep in you that before i knew it i was 6 feet under blank spaces, words unsaid and empty “i love you’s”.
I swear i will spend the rest of my life picking you off my skin.
That day you told me “i know i said this was a mistake i just wish you didn’t look at me feeling like one”

you will feel empty and you will want to drag that razor across your wrist and pray for the courage to cut a little deeper but I promise you this is only temporary.
2. Be kind to everyone. They’re all struggling through something and so are you. They are just as scared as you are. It’s okay.
3. Breathe. It’s alright you’ll be okay. Just breathe. You’re okay. Open your eyes, it will be okay.
4. Your mother warned you about the people who will break your heart but not the ones who will take your breath away with a single glance and shatter your heart with every word. No one will ever prepare you for this.
5. When you find yourself on the bathroom floor at 4.am with blood-stained wrists and shaky hands, pick yourself up, look in the mirror and say “I am worthy” Because you’re all you have. In the end, it’s just going to be you.
6. “I love you” doesn’t mean i will never leave you, i know she’s beautiful and she writes you poetry and her eyes have stars planted in them. I know she kisses you like you’re all she has left but you need to let her go. I know you love her. But you don’t need her anymore.
7. If you want to **** yourself, wait a day. Go for a jog, talk to someone about the things you love. Everything will be alright. I promise you that.

you were beautiful you’re like a living breathing sunrise. I loved you immensely. But, I looked at you but there was no fire
I talked to you but there was no conversation
I lay next to you but there was no desire
I kissed you but there was no spark
I looked in your eyes and they said you had lost interest.
And i know you said you would never leave me but it’s been 4 months and you love him.
You love him.
Nights of trying to find remedies for sadness included chain smoking on the roof until i coughed so hard i could feel my heart in my throat spending hours in the shower trying to cut your touch out of my skin
Wide awake at 4 am wishing i would be yours forever, but baby that’s not how things work anymore.

Don’t promise me forever
i know you’re not going to stay,
one day my shaky hands and broken pieces will push you away
and you will get tired
and when you leave,
take every word you kissed on my skin,
nights i cried on the bathroom floor while you held me,
take back every single poem, every single scar you left on my skin where you touched.
Take back all those sweet words you whispered in the crook of my neck while our fingers interlocked and your warmth started to thaw my frozen chest,
take back all the drunken ‘i love you’s’
take it all with you because i know you’re spitting those same words down another girl’s throat

I wish for the wonder in your eyes to manifest into something greater than you may realize. I feel cold, as if my heart is freezing and that iciness is slowly consuming my whole being. Sometimes i feel so small, a microscope would have trouble finding anything, except my fears. I have been feeling less than inspired to write to you as of late, but I still feel like I need to. Last night I ****** someone else; I just thought you should know. Gosh I loved you- And it’s been a while since your lips touched mine and i miss you. I loved you, and i know i keep saying that, and please trust me when i say this, I am not trying to get you back, it’s just I learned that if someone isn’t smart enough to want to be loved they don’t deserve it, and now you don’t have me anymore. I’m still in the process of burning those wretched bridges; still healing. sometimes I just want to talk to you, because I know you’re just there, like you said you were. Tonight I choose to write to you because I miss you and I’ve forgotten what it felt like to want to tear myself open myself for you and show you my broken world. I wish I still know how it feels to want to look at you and your beautiful hands. I wish I still know how it feels to want to see you again, how it feels to talk to you and hear your voice over the line because I liked it. I didn’t care less about your baggage or whatever you had, I just wanted all of you. Broken heart and all. Even if it was wrong. Because I felt like it was beautiful. You were beautiful.