I’m dancing with my favourite devil again
Didn’t think that he was for me again

You only like it when I’m ****** up
Think you using me to **** up
But for once don’t mistake
That my kisses are fake
You’re too scared to call me when you’re sober
But I’m too afraid to admit this is over
No more lies no more tears I said
I’ve got your back but don’t forget you stabbed mine
You thought I did you wrong
Was this your way of reacting?
Didn’t you think of picking up the phone,
Asking me to be honest?
I know you’re alone, I know you’ve got fears
But why was I the only one who ended up in tears
You’ve got pretty eyes - disappear when you smile
You’ve got prettier lies - always there no surprise
But you always make me laugh I’ll give you that
Even when you broke my heart
I laughed at you through the tears
Now it’s been over a year can you ******* believe it
Since we’ve been playing cat and mouse
With our drinks and our feelings
I never gave up on you, nursed hope in my heart
I knew that you would miss me.
I ******* knew it.
Yes you waited too long, yes patience is an art
I learnt for you
But don’t ever doubt it I’ll always choose me over you
You’re a little too late I’m a little too drunk
Let’s just keep kissing and never tell each other how we really feel.

Oh how we criticized their hearts
And inspected their love
Looking for poison,
Always finding it
Always keeping it
Never realizing how close we held it to our hearts, letting them infiltrate and infect every corner.

flowers wilt and bedsheets get stripped clean with bleach bitter like my words my eyelashes held together with tears you laugh not at me but as if you’re amused at the idea of anyone ever loving you I can see your eyes lack understanding and you should be glad that you don’t know the look of heartbreak and I don’t hate you no matter how much I know I should I think I might never speak to you again though but don’t forget the day you first saw me and you told your friends all about the way we didn’t stop smiling on the dance floor the end of an era the beginning of a mess who would’ve known you would look at me 12 months later and see someone you claim to love but fail to ever show it don’t forget the night you came to my dorm room too afraid to say a word and now cause you know me you say too much let’s stop pretending that you didn’t spend hours lying next to me in a tent made out of the night sky holding hands and talking **** and I know what everyone sees in us - something pointless and never-ending but don’t think I’ve forgotten what you said and don’t think when you smile at me like everything’s fine that I ever believe it and we should sit down sometime and talk about nothing I guess that’s my way of saying I hate what you did, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

If you had found the perfect man for you. The one who held your troubles in his hands, smiled like the sky breaking and knew exactly what you needed when you said you’re tired or cold or sad - you would never have kept him. You will never keep him because look at how you run towards the boys who spill their liquored lust all over your heartbreak like it doesn’t exist so for a moment you can believe it really isn’t there. Do not blame them for not loving you, love was never what you were bringing to the table. Do not blame them for leaving you. Yes you welcomed them with open arms but you always left the back door unlocked so you could slip away in the middle of the night if they ever tried to stay. Men are not the heroes the movies made them out to be and if it’s loving that you want baby girl, it’s gotta be loving that you give. Nobody’s gonna save you but yourself

they all taught us to sit in the corner and stand in the kitchen, kneel in the bedroom and be afraid to say no. they taught us to wear lipstick on our lips like glue, to keep our opinions to ourselves, we learned to fear the men in the street because they don't ever ask - only take. we are taught to be pretty, precious, pure and believed them when they called out our names like lost puppies. we are slowly learning to unlearn. the feminine energy and spirit is healing and we are angry.

we said we didn't care,
laughed at our losses to soften the sting of unrequited love
and then swore we weren't insane
(i don't know if the reason i can't breathe
is the cigarettes or the heartache)
lately everyone feels as empty as their absence
-and i am grateful for the friends and the flowers
i just don't know why the good things can't be enough for me

(111) I like your character more than I like you
(112) You are too kind hearted to be this selfish
(113) in the movie about us you care a lot more
(114) I'm not as mean as I pretend to be
(115) your head is so far up in the clouds nothing can ever reach you
(116) you made me feel like I was up there with you
(117) I think I love things that are bad for me
(118) you have an obsession with controlling your emotions
(119) my favorite pass-time is setting myself on fire
(120) my name sounds at home in your mouth
(121) I'm certain there's a universe that only exists when we're together
(122) I love how much you hurt me
(123) I'm relieved when you make me hate you.
(124) my greatest fear is that I love you
(125) I am concerned you don't know what love is
(126) there's a chance you could still be a figment of my imagination
(127) this surface level **** is too vapid for ***** sakes
(128) I often imagine reaching into your chest to find what went wrong with your heart
(129) you notice everything and say very little.
(130) I burn for the both of us
(131) you hurt me over again carefully and with love
(132) we are my most elaborate display of self-harm.

How does one love an unloved thing? How does one love when you are an unloved thing. Maybe I am unlovable - is the conclusion I've come to. Which is why I spent an entire summer practicing the act of unloving someone. I learnt how to erase memories so well that I swore myself a completely different person back then. I taught myself how to turn every gentle touch of your fingers in my fingers, your lips on my neck, your head in my chest -into scars. Let me tell you, knives and fists aren't the only things that cut and bruise. I swear your mouth was a gun because with every kiss you gave me my heart took a bullet and I swore your eyes were the sun when I looked into them and couldn't see clearly for 8 months. I reminded myself for 364 days to forget you and by day 366 I'd forgotten our anniversary. I rewrote all the poems about you in the sand at sunrise. I didn't move till the tide came in 12 hours later and washed it all away. I followed them into the sea and swam and swam and swam. I didn't stop till I couldn't see the shore and the salt water burned my cheeks and I just keep waking up in tears thinking I'm drowning and I guess you could say I am.

As much as it might feel like it sometimes, your life is not a romantic film and I know you get really caught up in your imagination and sometimes you really believe that he's just like a character in a John Green novel and this is your story of how you fall in love. But movies end and every book has a final page. But we keep going and we keep living and the thing about stories is that they only tell about the the in-betweens of you and I. The moments in rose filters with The 1975 playing in the background. You and I, we have a music-video love that cannot exist in the quietness of 7am or the mundaneness of lunch on a Tuesday. When I think of you, I only see lights and dancing and I only hear music and laughter. I don't know much about your mind or your family or how you sleep in your bed at night. But I know exactly when you're lying cause you can't help smiling and I know how you dance when you're tipsy and how you fall when you're a little too drunk. I know you try to never be sad and you've become so good at it you've even tricked yourself into believing you're emotionless. We are identical shards of the same broken heart. We exist in our story together, and live completely separate other lives. We keep following the White Rabbit down the hole and leaving the world behind. Leaving our worlds behind. They tell me you're running fast and they warn me that chasing only leads to falling and breaking. But I've been playing cat and mouse with my heart for months on end and I'm in just as a hurry as you are.

If home is where the heart is then so help me god, I’m going to need a map and a fast car cause I think my heart fell out my chest at a gas station at midnight
or in my hometown park,
possibly above the clocktower on New Years eve and almost certainly one of the countless nights when I danced with fairies and ghosts.
I promise the music will be incredible
and i won't stop driving unless I'm beside the ocean.
I won't start crying unless the sun is rising.

the waves and the sky break every day with no apologies or shame.
I will finally realize why broken hearts are the most beautiful of them all.

- I'm going home

and I’m tired. I just want to go home.

-no, not to my parents that’s not home anymore and no not to my apartment building that isn’t home either. Too many things were taken from me there. Too many fragile moments just kept slipping through my fingers and smashing to the ground into a million little fragile pieces. And I’ve cleaned up an entire bedroom floor full of broken heart bits. Blood and all. I wiped the walls clean and scrubbed the sheets till the scent of detergent suffocated me. So every moment dropped to the floor was swept up and sent to the landfill. Hurt is not welcome to the party anymore. But it’s so difficult to say no when she’s best friends with all the other guests and you, you loved her so much you brought her with you in your pocket along with your drinks and your lies and I know I would’ve never said no to you. I would’ve never said no to you even though you kept telling me to.

I woke up alone the next morning to a room beautifully painted the most exquisite shade of heartbreak. So carefully and meticulously done that I didn’t notice it at first.

But I didn’t go to bed alone that night. Hurt wrapped her icy arms around me, right where you left her.

I don’t know when I taught myself that a man’s skin on your skin can only mean love or danger.
I’ve only recently learnt that danger looks a lot like love and
you knew just how to whisper dangerous words in my ear
and my brittle heart knew just how to turn them into love songs
I won’t lie and say I loved you.
I might have loved the you I made up in my dreams and I most definitely loved how much you didn’t love me at all.
You didn’t do anything spectacular and we didn’t talk about anything other than trivial matters so I guess that left room for my imagination to make a bed for you. And a future for us.

You were background music at the dinner table of my life and I only turned up the volume when I was full and drunk. I don’t remember any of the lyrics to your songs I just know I didn’t stop dancing we didn’t stop dancing. I don’t remember any promises made and all moments shared with you was never soft nor tender. You were the longest car ride with no destination in mind. Speed limits don’t exist for you, I don’t think I do either. We’re going so fast but we’re not going anywhere the music is too loud I can’t hear myself think and you don’t look at me unless you’ve had a drink and we’re always so ******* drunk

Your heart isn't broken anymore. But your head hasn't forgotten the day you cried an ocean and flooded the entire street.
Your heart is strong again. But your head still replays memories of the summer you spent seven days straight in bed too sad to move.
Heart doesn't sink to your shoes anymore when you see him.
But Head keeps remembering how long she stayed there and how he begged her to beat again when you swallowed too many sleeping pills.
Heart is an addict fresh out of rehab and Head keeps locking your emotions up just like your mother used to do with the liquor cabinet.

Head says: Remember how you drank a that entire bitter bottle of wine as though it was water? Remember how you blacked out every night just to get away from me? Let me remind you of the day you kissed every single boy at the party and still went home crying into his voicemail.

Heart says: I want to feel warm again, it's been so cold and so dark for so long. I want forehead kisses and coffee kisses and salty kisses and sunset kisses. I want skin on skin with no kisses at all. I want honey words whispered over the phone at midnight so sweet my tooth aches.

Head says: I think I've got to go. I think you're losing me. I think I've forgotten to remember.

Heart says: don't forget I love you

he moves in fast forward and
talks in rewind and I like the way
he always seems to be on his way somewhere better then the place he left you
he knows exactly what he's doing although when he speaks it might as well be another language

he will always be wild,
you can see it in his eyes if you catch contact before he buries his head in his lap,
and sometimes your chest -
in these moments he's as tame as a newborn puppy,
fragile as the glass cups
he throws to the ground,
laughing.

he will do the same with your heart

wild things can be loved,
but they can never stay.

I didn't mean
To make promises for you
To me about us
I didn't mean to notice the fire burning in your eyes and turn your heart into a rescue mission
I didn't mean to turn your love into a game that I couldn't bear to lose
And all you do is chase and refuse
Only solution you have is a drink
I'm starting to think you're not real
I'm starting to think I've forgotten how to feel
You give me the largest sum of nothing
I think it's all you have
I gave the ghost of you the little I have left.
With admiration in your eyes and holding both of my hands you said,
'I feel nothing for you'
But I didn't hear what you said I just noticed how your voice dripped with longing and your fingers melted into mine.
They always told me actions speak louder than words, so I went with what I felt.

But I woke up alone the next morning hating you. Too drunk to remember how we got home and how you left.
I woke up alone the next morning hating you
Not knowing why.

Nobody except you will know what you did that night.
Nobody but me will bear the consequence.

Find me at 10 in the morning, coffee and cigarette in my hand
Find me in the middle of a street filled with people
Find me on a bridge at sunset
Or the beach at sunrise
Find me at a park in summer
Or the corner bookstore in winter
Find me when I'm sitting alone at a restaurant or surrounded by friends on a night out
Find me when I'm brushing my teeth or wrapped in bed sheets, drifting to sleep,
Looking for you in my dreams

(That's the only place you don't lose me)

Find me
Cause I've been looking for you
Find me
Cause I can't find you

I was so empty and hungry for love;
that I scoffed it all down in one bite.
Then I was so full I threw everything up in your lap
& I haven't been able to stomach it ever since

Love is the only drug you can't buy;
yet the most lethal
& once you've had a taste you'll never be quite the same as before.
a burning itch you cannot scratch,

You'll either live with the discomfort
Or you'll tear your flesh apart till you don't feel a single thing.

Maybes don't cut it anymore with this heart of mine,
It is either love or leave.

But, if you feel you might want to stay -
touch me everywhere but
my heart
& don't call me if you just want to talk.

Don't get too close
If you smile he might think you want to **** him.
If you're nice to him he might think you want to **** him.
Don't let them touch you
A second is far too long.
Your skin is smothered in gas,
His fingers are lit matches

We can't afford to be fire anymore

Don't do anything that might make it seem like you're asking for it.
Your smile should be small
Your voice ice-cold

Don't let your guard down for a second

Stay awake. Don't fall asleep.
Wake up.
(I'm always tired)
don't let them catch you asleep.
Don't let them catch you

Keep running.
Don't let them catch you

Smiling stranger
4 am
Head rush
Starts to blush
Are we really this high
Are we real
Are you going to kiss me
Yes
We are magnetic.
****,
I think we just went to space
I think I love your face
But it's just the drugs, babe.
It's just the drugs

Too many times we've woken up in the same bed
Every single time in over our heads
I tried to make sunshine out of Pluto
I tried to make an ocean out of mud and tap water.
You gave me roses
And pointed out their thorns
I said I didn't mind a little blood,
It's all red anyway.
That's when you couldn't look at me;
Let alone for me
I said I would give you my heart
If you didn't mind barbed wire.
I said maybe we could save each other
You said just save me tonight
I said tell me your favourite colour
Tell me why you hate your father
Tell me who you are when no one is looking
You said no ones ever looking
I didn't say I always am.
You said a lot of things
And nothing at all
The way you squeezed my hand and held on to me in your sleep.
We spoke non-stop for hours
And then never again.

Short skirts, heels high
Straight back, skinny thighs
Dark lips, always smiling
Bat those lashes, keep them trying
To get a taste
To get a feel
Of the girl who is no longer real

Hearts turn to stone
When they've been broken too many times
Kisses don't mean anything
When you're wearing your disguise

Cause everyone's playing a part
In this **** show we call life
These days either you're too young
Or your heart is completely gone

And true love is not something we're used to anymore.

So now you look like you've got it all figured out right?
So now you finally found someone who you're not afraid to love right?
I stand in the corner
Hands wrapped around my chest
Because you're the one that taught me that my very best
Just wasn't good enough.
You told me someday I'll find someone to love me just like I loved you
You said they won't lie to me the way that you do
You said someday, someone
But never you.
Now I stand in the corner
And you're acting like you can't see me right?
At one point I was the only person you spoke to all day
Now you didn't even wish me on my birthday
I'm trying to make sense of love and why I always get the shortest string
Why boys line up at the door just to get a taste
& then spit me out the minute it's no longer a chase
I'm not trying to play these love games
I don't want their cheap compliments
I don't want the hand holding without the heart holding.
Why does it feel like I'm always begging him to love me
But at the same time telling him don't bother trying to trust me
And I'm not saying I've got it all figured out
In fact I'm way past falling apart
I just wanna know why your heart got spared when you were the one who ruined mine
How someone can love the ruiner
But not the ruined.
Why you got to walk away from this mess that I've become
This mess that you made
This mess that's not a mess at all
And now cause you couldn't love it
I won't let anyone else even try.

I remember my last love letter to you and how I apologized for being more ocean than girl, more suffocating than soft. I remember promising my reflection that I'd stop my heart from overflowing and I'd try to loosen my grip on you. I remember waking up the next morning and finding my heart on the front porch - beating and bleeding. Nothing too sentimental attached - just a plain old 'sorry' as if you had only bumped me by accident or forgotten to reply to a text. I remember trying to shove it back through your mailbox and your shaking head standing at the window. I remember waking up to everything smeared and hazy for two weeks straight I never knew morning from afternoon.  faded rose that used to be bright scarlet. I remember being pink for a while. It took me months to wash your stains from my walls but soon I was stark and white. Naked and empty. But at least you were gone. I remember swearing to never look at red again. Let alone touch it. But it's knocking at my door every morning and banging on the windows all night long. I try to ignore her singing but sometimes I crouch at the keyhole and hum along. Sometimes I stand clutching the key in my prettiest dress.

Last night I grew too curious. Opened the door just a crack. I saw love crimson and crying in my garden corner surrounded by empty bottles and cigarette buds.

I saw you drunk and tired

We gave up at the same time

I  am standing at the grave of a boy
We lost, a couple of months ago.
There was no elaborate church service or organs echoing off cathedral walls.

We are here today to mourn the death of a soul we cannot be sure is really dead.

You went missing.

That is what I told myself all those nights I spent out with lanterns,
Searching for you.
But it seems now that you intentionally ran away and the suspect in question is just the person you've become since you left.
You only died for me.
You only left me.

Everyone else still sees your wide-eyed smile and hears your singing soul.

"Have you seen this boy?"

No. Nobody has seen you since late November but I am the only one who remembers.

For you, I've written eulogy after ******* eulogy.
I mourned your loss and grieved in your absence.
I took gulp after bitter gulp of wine, each a toast to You.

I stand at your grave, eyes red and heart still in flames.
How come you turned to ashes before me, when we started this fire together?

I lay two roses on your tombstone,
One for each month you existed for me, next to me, with me.

I commemorate every bench we ever sat on:
"In unloving memory of two souls that loved too much and tried too little"

I was the only witness to your death
The only speaker at the service
And the single carrier of your casket.
I stand in an empty grave yard
And weep with the dead.

You want to be tough.
So you wear heartbreak like a medal and laugh at how you used to cry yourself to sleep.
You smoke ten cigarettes a day and out drink every guy at the parties you go to.
You don't cry or so much as flinch when let down
And you meet every promise made to you with a frown

You want to be brave.
So you kiss strangers and go walking alone at night.
You get in cars with no idea where you're going and no concern if you'll be back.
You get on a plane to a place where the only soul you know is your own and all the faces are unknown.

You want to be fearless.
So you never say no unless yes makes you second guess your self worth because to hell with their opinion of you, right?

You laugh at everything,
Even when you're crying, you're laughing at your tears because after all these years being broken,
You finally speak before you're spoken to.

You wanted to be loved and cared for and held at the hips.
You wanted romance and roses,
True love's tender kiss.
You wanted someone to caress your scars for once and not be the one putting someone else's broken pieces together.
Only for them to thank you
And be on their way.

You loved and you lost,
Then settled for liquor and lust
Those boys drove you insane
But you drop them off, grip the steering wheel,
And try find your way back home.

You know, you're never here anymore
You're hardly ever sober
And you're making all these memories
That everyone but you can remember

'Why do you always get so ****** up?'
- they ask
And you don't know what to say
Because you ask the mirror the same question
And she just laughs but her eyes are
Somber and kind of frightened,
Even though you know you're never scared of anything.

I don't drink because I'm sad like I used to
I don't need drugs because it hurts too much
I guess I just like the risk. The freedom.
The inability to make rational decisions.

They say you can't escape your own mind
But I have found a way.

And strange boys take the love you didn't want
And I know it's not love but I can pretend for the night
And your kiss has been replaced too many times to count,

But still you're the only love I ever write about.

The sun sets at 6:05 pm and it's not even pretty because we're sitting on the wrong side of the tallest building in town. The laughs have become tired and a little forced. The conversation is dwindling and your hand is twitching to answer your phone. But it's cold so we'll sit folded into each other and you'll blow hot hair on to my ice-cold fingers and maybe we can keep pretending for a little longer. We are nearing our end after all. So the sun sets and the sky goes grey just like our love, but it will be black and empty and gone soon my darling, worry not. We sit in silence both waiting for the other to say something, to ask something. But we don't talk about what we really feel anymore and your reason is that you don't feel anything and my reason is that I feel too much and everyone is just waiting. We are two seeds that were planted together long ago. I did all the watering for us my love and I sat and I waited and I watered. Day after day and month after month. But I have become disgusted with waiting because our love never even breaks the surface of the soil and it is there it is there I know it is. But I have always likened you to sunshine and I  guess I had to realize that no matter how much love I poured into you, our flowers cannot bloom when the sun never sticks around long enough.

Where does girl with broken heart go?
Girl with sunken eyes and heavy chest
Girl with pressed on smile and recycled lips
Girl with sharp words dripping with forgiveness.
Where did boy with sunshine smile go?
Boy with electric hands and voice like rain
Boy with truthful eyes and honest lies
Boy with unsure insistence and blanket arms
Where do we go from here?
Because from what you say (or don't say)
Our options are not very clear.
Was our reunion after all these months,
Simply just to plan our farewell?
Maybe this is the beginning of the end.
Maybe we've reached the conclusion of our tale
Maybe we've been pretending there's still more to our story
The remainder of the book is wearing thin and neither wants to turn the page.
It is too final.
Too much like a tragedy, instead of the fairytale we'd hoped for.
Maybe I've spent weeks mistaking your silence for fear, when really you have nothing to say.
You know, it is very much the same for me.
I think that I have so much to tell you but whenever I open my mouth to speak,
My hearts already breaking
Whenever I want to pose a question
Your heads already shaking.
And I guess what I'm trying to say is that only my hands and my heart still love you, but my head doesn't know what to make of the stranger next to me.
And I feel like a fool because I swore I would always look for you in a dark room but you don't want to be found.
Even if you did, it would be both of us searching in-between forbidden kisses
Because you don't know where you are either, do you?
And I spent months thinking that I would have you any way I could get.
That anything would be enough 'cause you're the only one for me
But lately my hearts been playing tricks on me and my mind cannot come up with more excuses.
Because it hurt so much less when you didn't love me at all.
Now you love me in halves and quarters
And I just don't know how to break myself up like you do.
With me, it has always been all or nothing.
And don't you see that the scraps of affection you keep tossing my way feels
Like a whole lot of
Nothing.
Especially since I've already seen what you can give me in the past.
And then I start to wonder if I'm living in sweet memories and refusing to see how bitter reality has become.
You see, this is who we are now.
My problem is not that I can't live without you.
If you had to tell me you want nothing to do with me, I would blow you a kiss and be on my way.
My problem is that you plant hope in my heart whenever it suits you, and I'm too weak to refuse.
Especially when it feels so familiar and tastes like chocolate instead of heartbreak on our warm and wanting tongues.
And I don't know whether I am jumping to conclusions or hitting the nail right on the head.
Because I don't think and you don't talk and we've both been terrible, terrible cowards.
What happened to girl with poems pouring out of her soul and hands that reached out unafraid of rejection?
What happened to boy who reassured his intentions with every second sentence?
Where did they go and why did they leave and do they plan on coming back or can I please stop sitting at my window waiting for something to happen that deep down you know never will and deep down I'll always, always hope for?

and actually
the reason I don't know anything
is because you don't know anything
because if you did know
then I would know
I would know so well
But I don't want to be the only one that knows,
you know?

When a girl loses her hope,
She becomes the most dangerous creature.
Fairytales and happy endings
Have lost their appeal.
'Mr Right' has been buried along with
All the other prince charming's from her childhood story books.
She visits him only in her dreams.
Boys with smooth tongues and gripping fingers trail after her.
Her bright smile and piercing glare
Spell the words: "enter if you dare"
She will laugh at all your jokes and burn your skin with her touch.
And her hands, oh they're so soft and gentle,
You don't even notice your arm is on fire.
Cheap compliments spill out of your mouth one after the other
And when she does not say thank you,
But instead chuckles to herself
You cannot help how enticed you are.
Every word she utters is
Daring you to come closer.
You see the way she's looking at you,
With those cumbersome doe-eyes
And you think you know what
She wants  
And you think you have what
She needs
And you could not be more wrong.
She knows exactly the right witty remark to make, how to bat her lashes just right and how to laugh with just the right combination of coquettish and cute.
Stupid boys always like to think they can save girls who in their minds are 'too adorable for their own good'. Stupid boys are always trying to make themselves gentlemen by simplifying a girl to being 'pretty'.
The hopeful little darlings will swallow all of these unsavoury sentiments and store them in their naïve little hearts.
But not this girl.
Beware of the girl with no hope left.
To her, this is a game that she cannot lose anymore.
To her, you are nothing but a pawn;
Replaceable
Invaluable
She is a luxuriant forest
drenched in gasoline
A beautiful disaster waiting to happen.
She is so deceiving, so alluring,
You simply must have a taste
And you may.
But take warning:
She will light up in flames,
devour your little boy soul
and burn both of your bodies
to the ******* ground.

The rains will come in the middle of the night and wash away the heaviness you've been carrying in your heart.
The rains will come; gentle and soothing at first, and then forceful and pounding
You've forgotten the difference between
feeling clean and feeling empty.
The difference between
feeling pure and feeling nothing at all.
You sigh too often because you are constantly forgetting to breathe.
But the rain will teach your tired lungs to allow oxygen to enter your chest and for now,
that will have to be good enough.
In the morning you will wake to air crisp and toxin-free.
You will feel the dew in-between your toes.
You will carry the weight in your heart with ease
and the puddles in the street will always be a reminder that sometimes
water doesn't flow, but fills.
All your cracks will be mended in due time.
It is when we don't allow time the chance to mend,
that emptiness sinks in.
Because you can fill your broken crevices
with liquor and smoke, with strangers' tongues. Things that take up space and distract.
But never heal.
Time is the only thing that can heal you
my love.
So allow the rain to cleanse your soul,
Allow the wounds to form scabs.
Then pick your scabs and forgive yourself for doing so because it is such a human thing to do.
But don't ever fear that you will never be whole again.
Time knows how long you need and
Time will have you looking back and laughing at the fact that you ever doubted its power for a second.

Young girl, wrinkled heart immaturely aged. Your wine is too sweet and your self confidence weak. You reak of naivety and romanticized happy endings. But the only thing ending is you. Did the world let you down once again, or was it just your blind hope that got the better of you? Did the false promises and the forgotten love-struck glances fool you? Is that why you're so mean and your eyes gleam with watered down love for a boy who was merely just a ploy in your moments so wrapped up in joy, that you didn't see it? You didn't see the lies for what they were. I don't blame you, sweet child, for they were so perfectly polished with 'good intentions' and contradicting sentences. You looked at him and you felt nothing less than the universe in your chest, but let me tell you, even his best will always be mediocre for you. Did the forgotten roses, wilted and pale on your windowsill make you believe that dead things can still prosper? I am sorry but it's time to realize that even though broken things are beautiful to look at, they will never grow and the cracks they show only allow more room for pain to seep in. I am telling you now, strong girl - leave it. New flowers bloom for you just outside the window and they are so sweet and they want to give just as much love as you do, if not even more. Leave him. He is not the soul you're meant to hold for all of time and he definitely doesn't deserve a second more of yours. Do the cigarettes and the open ended texts burn your tongue girl? Well good, that's what they're made for. If it hurts, it was intentional. If your hands shake whenever you wake because you had another dream where his love washed you clean, then push those dreams aside my love. They are nightmares now and the memories are sweet but your sheets lack the heat that his arms once promised. He promised but he didn't understand that you are the type to swallow words and hold his actions up to the light when they don't reciprocate what he claimed you two could make. You can make the world bold without his hand to hold and you can make it on your own, for your heart is your home. And no one else's.

And when you see where I was,
it'll hit you hard
That the air is more than just particles
And the touches leave you scarred.
It is more than just consciousness, tangible explanations
The theory is already there,
Without any reciprocations.
The jokes hung on the bough,
Long before you met his gaze
And love sat patiently waiting,
While you wrote of the haze.
I follow love like an eager puppy
And you chase her away.
But she sits persistently in the lobby
And won't be led astray.
Love is all lashes and pink lips
And you are the ocean - waves, foam and dips.
So your tide tires her
And her lipstick leaks
And next thing you know
Pink from your water peaks.
Overthinking can be violent
And draws destruction near
So let's give in to attraction,
Let energy control the gear.

Passion eeks out, you lose the steering wheel
And love doesn't drown, her gills are
******* real

I drip
and bleed and spill and leak.
I overflow
and I don't know
the art of 'taking things slow'
Not when it comes to you,
Anyhow.

I scratch and scream,
Devour your dreams
And I still have the audacity
To ask for dessert.

I want everything you have to offer
And no, my dear,
I will not love you softer.

I need my soul to shatter
And it does not matter
What you do,
Just. Make. It. Mean. Something.

Make me look at the sky
And wonder why
Your voice makes me weak
And it's always a surprise.

I sigh and huff,
Poke, ponder, puff
Away on cigarettes like candy.
I wait and wilt
And wallow with guilt.

I curse at the clouds
for not teaching me
How 'not to stick around'
I want to run and heave
And finally ******* leave.
I want to push your pride
Underneath my thumb,
Tell you I wish
I never made you ***
Or come back.

I want to ****** the day
That sent you away.
why  couldn't you just stay

the first time?

I locked up my heart
Like a prisoner
It was a tough decision,
Necessary though.

She stood at the pulpit,
Eyes swollen and red.
She'd been crying for months now
Tears of love no one cared to collect.

She begged for freedom,
To give out her love as she pleased
Said she was too full, she would implode
If kept contained too long

Myself, the judge
Looked at her with disdain.
She was not meant for fickle relationships,
Half-hearted promises and slippery hands that failed to hold all the love
She never stopped dishing out.

The gavel slammed and
I proclaimed her guilty.
She had murdered reason and
Set insanity free.
Her love had poisoned her body,
causing her rib cage to collapse at the smallest thoughts of him.
She overdosed on naivety
when she continued to pour
Her love into memories, long after he was
Gone.

The poor thing didn't stand a chance
She had to be put away.
Defeat and acceptance carried
her to her cell.
Anger and loneliness chained
Her up.

I locked up my heart
Like a prisoner.
And, although I know
The decision was apt,
I visit her sometimes.
Midnights when I start to wonder...

Some nights she is
Screaming and savage,
Hands gripping the metal bars.
Other times she's quietly
Weeping
In the corner.

You had me there for a second. Had me believing. Wanting. Aching. And then....breaking. You had me like no boy has before. You held more then my thrusting hips, my lustful lips, my hand wrapped in yours like you were scared I'd diss...appear.
'What more, what more is there?' - you cry

Well foolish boy, don't act so surprised.
Didn't they ever tell you in your Sunday school teachings, that the seeds you sow grow and grow, when you water them?
Maybe you missed that day since you saw no crime in taking your sweet time to plant your love deep inside my soul and you fed that garden come sunshine or cold. But come season for reaping, you were nowhere to be seen. You fled when you saw the beautiful monster that flourished.  You only wanted a garden and could not handle my forest. But enough about you leaving, let's talk about loving. Ah.
That is all we want to hear about isn't it?
The ones that made it. The fairytale endings. The moments you searched for hidden cameras 'cause reality was too, too perfect. You always said perfect like something bitter on your tongue. Like you weren't deservèd of it, your excuse being we're too young. But you said my name like it was your favourite song and each night you cursed the days for being so long,
dismal and futile when lacking my presence. You fought battles with my insecurities and made best friends with my hopes.  
You said, 'we got this, let's go'
And boy did I go. But your hands grew slippery, your lungs too weak. You could not keep up, but I'm not one for defeat.
Please know that I kept going, long after you let go. Please know that I kept growing, long after the cruel winter snow.
Please know that I love you,
but this is not a love poem.

Moving on is not trying to deny the pain it brings to your chest when you hear their name mentioned, but acknowledging that it's there and nothing can be done about it. Moving on is touching all the places they used to touch and accepting that you'll never forget the memories you made together, but knowing that you can't go back. It is finally not wanting to go back. Moving on doesn't happen overnight and moving on isn't a switch that turns your love for them off. It's learning that it's a light that will always be lit, even though you don't need it anymore, even though it's in the corner of the room - dim and gathering dust. It is looking back and saying 'I miss you, I will always miss you. But I don't need you anymore.' It's realizing that you never did need them. And it's being able to think about your future without crumbling to pieces when facing the fact that they're not going to be a part of it anymore. Moving on is a deep cut across your chest that has healed but bears a nasty scar. It is the difference between actually feeling the pain and the memory of the pain. Sometimes you can't tell which one is worse. And sometimes you think you're right where you started because you hear a certain song or you drive past the restaurant where you went on your first date and everything inside you just wants to go back to when everything was okay. Moving on is bittersweet. You can't bear to let go, those tender moments where you finally believed your heart had a home after all, it has become a part of you. But no matter how much you want to, you can't forget the nights you spent piecing the shattered bits of your heart together, through misty eyes and with shaky hands. So moving on is accepting that the bad parts overrule the oh so exquisite ones. And the love you felt for them will never be enough to overcome the pain that came after. It is choosing yourself, even though you want to choose them. That's it. Moving on is choosing yourself and believing that you deserve so much more than what they could ever give you.

If you had to climb inside my head tonight
You would find quite a mess
Of guilty confessions I haven't had the courage to admit.
Stay a while longer,
You'll catch the scent of regret and last night's alcohol
hanging heavily in the air.
You'll spot depression, somewhere in a dark corner, exiled and asleep (for now)
You'll find a fair amount of hopes and dreams, still waiting to come true
You'll probably find my deepest fears and gravest nightmares too
You'll find all the words I want to tell you
But don't have the courage to admit
There'll be memories boxed up real tight
And a loveless fireplace, waiting to be lit.

It was feeling everything and absolutely nothing simultaneously. It was the dam wall of my heart cracking slowly and then collapsing all at once. Hope came gushing out of everywhere and left my soul speechless and empty.  It felt like I couldn't quite place my feet firmly on the ground and I was floating away up and up out of my own body. I don't know how but I can see my crumpled face the moment he let me down once again. A mixture of hurt, confusion and an irreplaceable look of wonder that I can never quite get to leave my eyes when I look at him. It felt like a blindfold made out of duct tape was ripped off my face and for the first time I was looking at him and I didn't like what I was seeing. It hurt to look at him. I was meeting eyes with a stranger. A stranger that I knew and loved so well not too long ago. It was the feeling you get as soon as the roller coaster ride comes to an end. You're breathless and nauseous, heart beating outside your chest. Relieved it is finally over. It felt like the time I realized I didn't believe in God and cried myself to sleep for a week. All the water in my body was replaced by fire that night and now smoke permanently lingers in my veins. Realizing he was never coming back felt like someone was burning the home I grew up in to the ground and all I could do was watch. That someone was me.

You're not the you I know.
It's difficult to watch you these days. You've gained an air of arrogance
that fair enough, you've always had,
but you don't cover it up anymore.

You were never nice,
but you always cared.
Now,
your lack of sincerity
is painfully evident.

You were never reckless with your words, but always straightforward.
Now you say anything you can
Just to get a reaction.

We used to whisper over cracked phone lines -
"I miss you's" and "I'd do anything to have you here's"
Now we're occupying the same 2 square feet
And you can't even look me in the eye.

You're not the you I thought I knew
And I miss the old you quite a bit.
Maybe he's still in there somewhere
Or
This is the real you, and he who I loved
Is never coming back

I hate the way you always try to play it cool. I hate the way you never admit to the way you feel. I hate how you never let me be right and how you never put up a fight for the things you want. I hate the way you just accept things when they go wrong and always question things when they go right. I hate how you always talk down to me. I hate the way you always laugh at my jokes when they're not even funny. I hate how you always cut me off. I hate how you play my piano and I hate how you know my favourite songs. I hate how you're always so afraid, so petrified of falling in love. I hate how you never believe I care and how you never cut your hair. I hate the way you pronounce my name, and the way you love me is never the same. I hate you when you're so far away. And I hate seeing you up close. I hate the way you sound so good on the phone. I hate how you're the only love I've ever known.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About memories and how they seem to slowly slip away as the days go by. They never leave all at once. But one day you think you'll never forget this moment and this person and then months or years later you find yourself struggling to remember a simple name. Of course there are some memories we can't possibly forget. Some absolutely incredible, where we felt on top of the world; most of them haunting and excruciating, that have incinerated themselves onto our hearts and souls. And we'll carry these with us forever. But I've found that the key is not to think about how heavy they are, and how much they're weighing us down. But how strong they make us that we never stop making more. More mistakes, more reckless decisions. We are so brave to keep making promises and we are so brave to keep letting love in, over and over again. I know it's hard to give someone your love when it was handled so carelessly in the past. And you don't think you'll ever feel the same again. And you're absolutely right. Because it will keep getting better and you will keep getting braver and stronger and full of love. You are growing and your heart is expanding and you are learning every single day to forgive and never lose your hope. I beg you, please don't ever lose your hope. You have battle scars that tell the most heartbreaking and inspiring stories and that make you the beautiful human you are today. You have a smile that never ends and arms that are always open. You are the everything that I want to come home to - sweet coffee, warm bed, contagious laughter. You love with a heart overflowing with forgiveness and acceptance. You are the one who stays, when it's long past time to go. You are second chance after second chance and you deserve the entire universe. Don't let anyone give you any less.

Your words stumble out of your mouth, awkward and careful. Your smile is nervous and your eyes glow with a mixture of uncertainty and hope and you just can't manage to look me in the eyes. When you told me I was beautiful it was the first time someone said that to me and I took it to be true and not with a shaking head and arms waving in disagreement. Because, for the first time I actually believed I was beautiful before you said so. But it was remarkable nonetheless to hear it come from your lips and when I saw your smile mirroring mine I knew you were made for me to keep and not just to hold for the night. You laugh uncontrollably at your own lame jokes and it felt a little less like a random party and a lot more like just you and me. And people told me after you left that we were in our own world together and that made me both smile and flinch at the same time because I've never been good at keeping concentration but sitting next to you it's like we're the only living beings for miles and everything else is quiet noise. The first time you kissed me it was messy and misplaced and it tasted like cream soda and *****. We were laughing a bit too loudly under the full moon in my best friends garden and it was in that moment that I believed that any tangles of the heart can always be untangled by unapologetic laughter and some drunken honesty. I also realized that I wasn't waiting for you to come and save me but you were waiting for me to save myself before you so gracefully came into the picture. The second time you kissed me, it was slow and meaningful. We had the previous nights memories replaying in our minds and we kissed like we would never run out of time. I sincerely hope we never do. You see, I think I want you in all the ways a person can want someone they've known for two days. And that's incredible, because you're easy to love and I love easily. But I know I don't need you or anyone else anymore to complete my soul. I think that's what they call an epiphany; a great realization where everything that was murky and blurred suddenly becomes crystal clear. And it was in that half an hour ride in the back of a cab where I was holding your hand and we both couldn't stop smiling that I knew I was ready for this, simply because I had learned to love myself and you didn't have a choice but to follow in my footsteps.

Hey you,
I know you're so scared
And I know you're a little lost.
I know you want to love,
But can't afford all the costs.
A heart is a house on fire
And you don't want to get burned
But with happiness comes a little hurt,
Is a lesson still to be learned.

I now know you're not quite like me
That's something I could not take
Sometimes I wish I was not so reckless
It would save so much heart ache.

But maybe if you learn to let
Your heart lead and your soul be brave,
I can learn to have some patience
And this mess can somehow be saved.

You should have met her back then.
She used to be so brave.
She used to be so fearless.
She loved with a heart so full and warm and eager to give everything she had.

She never feared the day he'd leave
And so when he did
Something sort of broke.
Her romantic soul and dreamlike mind
Suddenly awoke.
The stars in her eyes grew dim
And her hope ever so thin.

I wish you'd met her back then.
You can hardly recognize her now.
She plasters on a perfect smile
And puts up the strongest fight
She's even met someone new,
But it just doesn't feel right.

I wonder if you'll see her again?
The girl with the ocean for a heart.
She loved too deeply and
drowned them all to death.
And although it's gone
And he's moved on
How can her love just simply end?

Do you allow yourself
To drown in our memories too?
It hurts my chest but I still smile thinking about those days we spent together.
How cruel of life
to give me something that makes me so irrevocably happy,
and take it away so suddenly
and so
harshly.