Is your life an epicentre for death when two of your best friends, mother and brother, are dead before you can grow a beard.
What if you add the mothers of two more best friends, followed by your own grandmother?

It's the thoughts like these that lead to the bottle or the nearest crutch.
What if the crutch you seek was the cause of half those tragedies?
Should you look elsewhere even if it holds you up?

You were always happier than me, but maybe you had help.
Maybe this help numbed instead of soothed.
And maybe I shouldn't have been sleeping when you needed to talk.
But maybe now the crutch that let you fall is the only thing helping me walk.

Tell me all of your memories as we drive through them.
This town on the river is as vast as an ocean, remember it all.
Basking in the flood of your emotions makes me drift closer to you on a cellular level.
Drift until merge.
Until our veins warm with the blood of desire
Until we're ubiquitous within each other.
Mind and body.
As long I can find you I always know where I am.

A man who has wronged another
This same man, loses his brother
This wrong came before the loss
Was this the cause?

A regretted breach of privacy
Robbed the pride from me
Robbed the friends from me
Since then, no happiness.

I apologize for what I have done
But even if it wasn't the cause
I just want my friend back.
My brother back.

I have this constant dream in which I am asking everyone in my life to punch me in the face
I know I can take the pain
But it’s the idea of being hurt that always brings supporters
Punching myself in the face does not achieve the same thing.
If you feel that I did you wrong, punch me in the face.
I know I can take a beating more than I can take myself.

My body is repairable, at least to a certain extent.
But the hits of those i have wronged are not repairable, that is why they are hitting me
I don’t want to **** myself, I just want pain
Just to feel what, I have made others feel.
Understanding is everything.

But physical pain also blocks the emotion
Punch me in the face
So I don't have to deal with what I did
Hurt me, the way I feel I hurt you.
Please,
Someone do it, or I will do it myself.

There becomes a time when you realize that your poetry is better than your fiction
The deaths in your life, sap your creativity.
With all dead friends, what can blossom?
Bad decisions and body parts
Like the flesh from a tree, positivity follows suit
But the arms of which carry you are wrecked
Because they are the arms of the grieved
The beautiful, belligerent, alcohol tolerant lives that you have left behind
There are your friends, that die like a hard rain.
But they are just as refreshing and reflect just as much sunlight.
But they die just the same
Suns die, stars burn out
Just as you realize that the hoped for importance of your writing was never as important as your friend

Caught forever in this relentless reality
My dreams are small but forever expanding 
Together they quarrel in the small available space of my cluttered conscious 
The heart overwhelms the steadily weakened mind
Making the choice based on desire and an impossible design 
The minimal thought involved results in a decision of the purest kind.

It was a sunny day that I saw you
Sun glistened off the tears that pooled in the corners of my eyes.
Your beauty brought this on.
A being of such want
Challenges the sun itself

And I know those amber eyes with the gold flecks are holding the real sun at bay.
A mind as bright as the beauty that wraps around.

Entwine our minds with the feel of skin.
Your appearance terrifies me with an overworked heart
And your mind challenges me in a way that I am not smart enough to say.
Maybe one day.

It’s hitting me harder now than ever
Writing simple, pretty words
Made it realer than ever
Did you smile through the pain
Just to make it bearable for everyone else

I know you lost a best friend once
But is it fair to cost many one as well?
I know you weren’t one to think ahead
But people loved you
It may not have like that to you
But you could have put the stress on us
Instead of the rope

Everyone you made smile
Which was everyone
Loved you
You never judged anything we did
It made you special, you avoided dread from everyone
You made me the lover, avoiding fights
That I am now
But even now, I have to deal with you,
The lover of the light
Dying
And this is really something, no one is attributed too.

My love with the flowing river of hair
Golden silk matches the bright summer sun
Beauty skin shows, her eyes; jade green with flair
Winters air does not pierce as much or stun
My pulse is lost at the first eye's meeting
Her grace batters my courage; Defenceless
I am, although our time is now fleeting
With her so still, I am burdened with stress
The sun shines in, but does not light the room
Her hand in mine, I feel her pulse slowing
Dwindling is her time as death quickly looms
Her life leaves, her beauty is unfading
Even in death this carries you through time
That remains true or these lines do not rhyme.

Please,
Do not complain about what you were given.
This time of year has ruined the world.
Traditions and presents,
Stress and spending

The objects mean nothing
They are gone by next year

Your family is it,
The present of presence

So please,
Do not complain about what you were given.
Just be thankful no one was taken.

Because cancer has no daily planner
It just preys on the loved,
Happy and beautiful.

So please,
Do not complain about what you were given.

Thirty day's, I'll be free
In thirty days completely
Leaving the beautiful but familiar
The only anchor I had
The scenery and family.

Thirty day's till I can start new
Be who I am, Finally true.
This city and these people
A creativity sapping flu
Thirty more days
Until I can be true.

Now,
New belongings
New beginnings
New friends
New surroundings.

You've heard the rumour?
It's true
I do sleep with one eye on my heart
Why do i do this?
I have let my heart get stolen
One too many times
And we all know thief's aren't the most careful people 
and wouldn't you know, It's been broken
More than once 
How do i keep an eye on it?
Let's just say
It's easy to watch something that has been
Torn out and stepped on
You are probably wondering
How my heart has survived all these years?
That's easy
You can't **** something
That was never alive.

My mind has been close to death for three months
Gasping, In a mass grave of unused ideas
Surviving only on the hope
Of an intelligent conversation
But the rarity of such a thing
Made my faith weaken
In both humanity and my own mind
Until the opportunity arose,
A helping hand in the form of travel
As the days passed
My mind
Was slowly lifted out of the rejected ideas
And pushed forth into creativity
By new life experience

I have known her for ten years
She has been on my mind for eight
Daily
The only problem,
I don’t know her anymore
The only other problem,
She thinks she knows me
But she knows who I used to be
She has no desire to rediscover
So, it seems dumb
For me to tell her that I love her

But,
I do
How can you not love something that you think about daily?
Always on my mind,
With that pretty ******* smile.
That smile
That ability to laugh.
That knack for ignoring me
That perfect way she doesn’t know I exist

All I want to do is to take you out for coffee
Tell you all of this
Hoping the best but preparing for the inevitable
Would you even say yes to the coffee?
Even when I'm not taunted by that beautiful, perfect smile
You are on my mind,
I run through this conversation, everyday.
Someday soon, I will have the courage to say,
I love your soul and the light it brings me.
All I have to do is ask,
Do you want to go for coffee?

There was a funeral procession today
Did you see it?
I didn't get too
I bet it was beautiful
Lot's of black?
I've always liked black
How many cars were in it?
10? 20?
30?!
I would have given anything to see it
I wish i wasn't cooped up in this box
I miss everything

I sit and reminisce and take a drink for the old days
I'm thankful for my boys who've been here since the music played
Let the drinks crash down throughout our wild nights
We broke laws, Kissed girls and got in fights
We got through everything, Death and Plights
We help each other forget, and move on
Like that cut on your lip, From last weekends trip.
I toast to those nights and friends alike.
For they never slow down or end.

Growing tired and weary as the day groans on
For these days seem longer due to restless nights

    You, My boy are in need of a pick me up
Appreciated offer but it would be irresponsible
To coax a mind that's already dwindling
I can't afford to lose it all
As a result of your persuasive swindling
So leave me be, petty swindler

But sir! It's my product that'll help you forget her

'Her' is gone and I've made piece with that
So take your bad habits and just leave it at that!

A boat breaks down with every crash of the ocean's waves
The salt is a catalyst carving in the wood, Small and detailed caves
Sail is ripped and battered the treasures of the boat in the water they are scattered
The boat sinks deeper in the open water, Overtaking the hull and the captain's quarters
For you were on this ship
And describing the boat instead of describing you
Makes this tragedy flee my mind and causes my sanity to slip.

The thought constantly rattled in his head,
mainly when he was trying to fall asleep
or when a conversation inevitably lulled.
It’s not that he wanted to end his life,
at least that’s what he told himself,
but more so that he was extremely curious of
what actually happens when we die.
Is it the same for everyone? Why wouldn’t it be?

Obviously suicide would solve any problems he faced currently.
No emotion came to him at all when he thought
of how it would effect the people in his life,
the very few there were,
but having that thought in the first place
made him question what the emotion was supposed to feel like,
that could be it.

Life now, for him, is a forever ringing phone.
Calls from debt collectors, credit adjustment agencies
and text messages from friends who had loaned him money.
“If I had the money, I would pay everyone back”
this is what he told himself and others who mentioned anything financially related.

He already had his suicide note planned in his head.
The suicide he was considering out of ‘curiosity.’
“Here is all that I have, sell the meat from my body and divide it amongst yourselves”

My life as of late has been an eye opening,
Head first dive of exploration.
Interrupted by one,
Sometimes two,
day long binges of unpleasant sobriety.
Some see it as a cheap thrill, lacking grace
But my synthetic happiness,
Covers the loss of the old soul behind a beautiful face
And my heart now goes to the first chemical to make it race.

A message to women:

I am sorry for staring
But please,
Take it as a compliment
Life is short
I would like to breath in
As much beauty as I can.

I am sorry for the beasts of men
The ones who made you this way
Living with your guard up
I understand you treating me
Like them
But I am here to say
We’re not all the same

I was raised by women
To respect and love them
To listen to them
To understand them,
To the best of my ability anyway.
When I compliment you,
I mean it.
There have not been that many
Beautiful sights
In my life.
So I genuinely mean this thanks,

Thank you for being one of them.

Here I sit my mind bursting at the seams 
Unable to efficiently rid the pain and clutter
Speaking my mind only results in a inaudible sputter 
It all borders on overwhelming
Until the mundane world explodes
The broken up thoughts, break free from my head in a beautiful flutter.
Only to reassemble, Shortly thereafter.

Today, I waved at a girl I thought was beautiful
She didn't wave but came closer
She turned out to be you
I greatly underestimated how beautiful
You were not happy to see me
I almost passed out seeing you
You slapped me and started walking away
And I chased after the best memory in my head.

I will continue to write
Until the day that I fall
Fall into the ground
Or let my thoughts overrun me.
The day will eventually come
When I can't get them out quick enough
My mind runs out of space
As it overloads and explodes
and rips apart my sanity
The pieces fall down
Leaving my memories on the ground.