One last time
I got to see you one last time
The last time I'll hold you
The last time I'll hug you
The last time I'll kiss you
The last time I'll love you.
Well
we both know that last part's not true
Or maybe only I know
God I'll miss you.
I missed you before but I miss you even more now
Because that was the last time
It was a good last time.
We returned to our home, our battlefield, our Cove,
for one last glimpse
before we left forever
for good
We touched our old things
Dust-covered but still full of meaning
And breathed our old air
Stale but still charged
And we looked at our mountain.
Cold but mine and yours
You returned for a minute
My favorite you
For one last goodbye.
God and I loved you.
I let that you see me
One last time
My heart opened to you
One last time
Because that's the you
Who loves me the most.
And I got to talk to her
One last time
And this
I will treasure.
This
I will hold dear
When I miss you
but you longer exist
Because I got to see you
one last time
And this
I'll love
Always.

Some people
are mirages.
They are completely real
and yet altogether
do not exist.
You see them and you want them
Oh! how you long to taste their cool, refreshing streams
Oh! how you long to bask in their icy, protective shades
Oh! how you long to visit them over
and over
and over

And yet
You cannot.
"Why?"
You think
Where is the stream?
Where is the shade?
Where is my paradise?
Can I not visit it once more and again and again?

No,
You cannot.
For mirages only exist
when you need them to.
Deserts
to be exact.
Where there is nothing
and you are desperate
and thirsty
and hot
and dying.
You needed that stream
so it flowed
and was real.
You longed for that shade
so it grew
and was real.
You were dying
so you made up a person
and called it your paradise.

But the phenomenon here is
Your paradise, your mirage,
the person you invented,
really does exist.
In fact, they helped you invent them.
You see
Mirages are all sparkly and waiting and beautiful
With emptiness underneath
They long to be invented.

"A stream? Here it is, it has always existed."

"Shade? ah yes, this tree has sat here a thousand years
waiting for you."

"Leave you? Never, you can visit me any time you like,
in fact it is you who leaves me."

These people, these Mirage people
exist between two worlds
quite on purpose, it seems.
That way,
they never choose unwisely
Or face reality
Or live their lives.
But somehow,
I don't believe they're aware of any of this
at all.

How sad it must be
to be a Mirage Person
And never, truly exist.

I wanna be baby bear
I want my gross porridge to be a reasonable edible temperature
I wanna be hot but not a scalding sun
And cold but just enough
I wanna be baby bear
I want my chair to be so comfortable that you break it into a million pieces
Because as soon as you perfectly fit
It can do nothing else but explode
I wanna be baby bear
Because then my bed would be so incredible that you're still in it

Not too hot
Not too cold
Not too big
Not too small
Not too hard
Not too soft
Or far too much
Or never enough

If only I could be just right
Bc then maybe
Just maybe
You'd pick me

As strange as it sounds,
I'd really like to be baby bear

That guy's really got a lot goin for him.

I need to go home
This isn't home
I need to go home
There's snow
And clear air
And clear eyes and heart and soul
Things die fully
And come back new
Night is night
Day is day
The ground is there
And I can touch it
I can't touch it here
I've tried
Oh how I'm weary of not touching the ground.
And the dead and the earth and the universe
I can touch it all there
I need to touch it again
Or I will die.
My immortal soul will grow old and wither
Just as souls aren't meant to do

I need to go home
My eyes are beautiful there.
I want my eyes to be beautiful again
Even more than I don't want my soul to die

It's time to go home.

The war is over
When did it end?
Or start actually
Strange I thought it would go on forever
I guess that's how they always feel
Though I don't think I wanted it to
I guess I never realized it was one to begin with
Probably because it was with myself and not someone else
Those are the invisible ones.
You had one too
But it wasn't with me
Two wars uniting under one
I can't say I'll miss the war
No one ever does
But I'll miss the farm.
Oh
How I will miss the farm
So many nights and memories
And Inmans
(Though I can't  say I'll miss those)
But I'll miss you
But what's strange is you're not dead
Or missing in action
Or any of the usual war endings
you're just not there
And neither is the farm
And neither am I
We can't be you see
Because the war ended.
I think you've noticed too
I guess what surprises me the most is I think that's okay
Wars have to end and history has to move on
But there's a reason we remember wars
They stand for things we decide we would rather die for than go without
This one stood for love.
You will always be my Ada.
I will always be your Ruby.
And I'll remember this war
for the next 150 years.
I love ya, darlin. Looks like the sky finally fell on our heads.
Probably so we could see our new ones.

Why haven't you faded?
Why am I still nervous when I see you walk towards me?
Will we be awkward now?
We'll be awkward now.
No
We're easy
Will we know what to say?
We'll run dry within the hour.
No
We go on for days
Will we still like each other?
We'll realize we've grown apart.
No
We know each other 10 lifetimes and over and over again
Why?
I wish we didn't
It would make things so much easier
I want you to fade away
Bc I am afraid.
I am afraid of what it means
if you don't
that you aren't
that you haven't
I'm afraid it means I'm weak
I'm afraid it means I'm selfish
I'm afraid it means I'm the same
Please don't let me be the same.
As a year ago
A month ago
A day ago
I'm afraid bc I know you still love me
But I'm afraid to love you back now
Bc what if that means
I'm stuck forever?

If I can just let you go
If I can just not love you
If I can just let you fade
away
It means I've stepped forwards
Oh how backwards.
Shouldn't I want you to stay
As I change
And grow
And become...
Me?
Yes
In fact
I think it's all I've ever wanted
And I do
But I need more time.
Oh, my love.
I need more time.
Just to know it's real
Just in case it isn't
Don't fade just yet.
Not yet

The damp
oh
     oh      

                      oh
i fear the damp
the earth is hard and still
           and my flesh is dead and
                      and
                          grey
It will not absorb the blow
                      
                                                 l ike .     live        fllee .  s . sh      ca aan

and does
           it . will only rot
          

                                                            and the worms come out
                                                            and the worms come out
                                                            and the worms come out

This is a dance
You and I have
I'm surprised how quickly I've picked up the steps
Because I've never danced this dance before
My rhythm's a little out of sync
But then again I've always been awfully terrible at keeping time
Too fast
Too slow
It's hard alone
I'm great with someone else
Someone to play off of
I like to play off you
Sometimes we miss
but the moments we meet
are simply the ones that make life worth living.
The life you read about in favorite stories
And see on screens that are way too big
And you think
that can't possibly be real
except it is!
It's just made up of shorter moments than you thought
But the moments are thick and full
And you feel the frightening lightness and emptiness when they're gone
And all you want then
is to feel their weight once more.
I think it's wonderful.
You've never danced the dance either
You know this and you don't
You think you have
You love to dance
You've danced before
But not this one
I wonder if you know I know
I wonder that a lot
Do you know I know you
Do you know I see you
Even when you yourself
are blind
That's okay
I'll see for both of us
until you do
or don't
Let's keep dancing till then
Just a little longer
please
only a little while longer.

moon
I am confused about you
Do I love you or hate you
Do I want to love you or be you?
come closer
or run away
Away
away
I love you
it’s true
but I think I hate you too
Just a little bit
maybe a lot
you reflect the images back on me
i do not wish to see
Stupid
Cruel
Reflective
moon
Why do I love you so
And hate you all at once
God
Is it a disease?
I
Have I fallen ill?
I feel rather sick
Maybe it’s a drug
poison in the water
a poison I want
To **** me slowly
Deeply
Centimeter by centimeter
inch by inch
each day
Rocking back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
You are so pale and beautiful
and full of witchiness
But is that you?
Or me?
Who’s reflecting whom?
and whom do i hate more

I love you
Our love is anger in alleys
And fights to nowhere
Our love is dead end cellphone calls to red giants and endless trips to deeper and
deeper space
Where nothing is real nor exists and yet
reality infuriatingly becomes the universe
Our love is two feet and ground and
escaping red balloons or
a forgotten child's hair ribbon trapped in a windy tree
Our love is earth and fire and water but no wind
And the sky's eventual fall on our heads
Our sweetest downfall
I loved you first
and last and backwards and forwards and sideways and longways and slantways and backways
Our love is 'I know you' from age 11 to infinity
Take the word love and fill it with
150 years of time.
That's the love I mean.

Just wait till i tell you
Just wait till you see
Finally see
You'll love me then, right?
you'll return?
All these things i've known and feelings i've held
But never spoken
You have them too
They're just unsaid.
Right?
Right.
I'll say them.
That'll solve it all
The hard space between us
The loop-de-loops
That are somehow only mine
This'll fix everything
We'll be true friends
Or maybe lovers
without this space
Once i tell you
Once you know
I have loved you that way
The way that they said
That'll make it go away
You knowing
Right?
Right.
That sounds real
Because it's based on an idea of you
because once i tell you
you'll be real
and not a figment of my imagination
or a mirage
Something i can fix or control and move in or away from at will
you'll be real
And i'll have to feel you there
just as you are
Surely it will vanish
Right?
Right.

Words are not enough.
In fact I find them quite lacking at the moment
Language is not
enough
Words fall short
Easily misinterpreted
Easily lied
Easily hiding what's real and what isn't
Frankly
I'm tired of them.
Words are hollow and empty
We fill their spaces with meaning but the spaces are too small
And have walls
And limits
I'm tired of these limits.
Even as I write these words, I know they will not properly convey what I currently feel and wish to express right now
They are simply not enough.
And it is frustrating to try to contort them in different ways to try and prove otherwise
But what is enough?
What can break the walls of words and letters and sentences?
Speaking them only makes them worse
Springing traps of "what you do you mean by that" or "what are you saying" or "I don't understand"
You.
I don't understand
You.
What a terribly horrible thought.
So what's the answer?
Does anyone know?
How to bridge that gap between you and me?
I'm really asking, this isn't rhetorical.

see how lacking words are

4 Circle East
You haunt my dreams
And my nightmares
And my thoughts
And my ideas
of happiness and others.

Every fictional house is you
Every read kitchen
and bedroom
and neighborhood
They're all you
Every fictional character
Must live in you
Bc the books I like have happy endings
And everyday loveliness  
Splashed with an adventure now and again
and that's you

4 Circle East,
You've got an island
A park
A willow
And me
But I shouldn't be there
I am the thing that doesn't belong
and yet there I am
Who has who?
Do you have me?
Or have I trapped you?
Refusing to let you go
Clutching you with tiny hands
That however small still have the strength to hold you seemingly forever
Or is it you who's doing the holding?
Wanting to be loved and remembered
As something more sacred
than just some house
I guess we're holding each other
But I can't hold you anymore
Not in that way
My hands, bigger now,
Need to rest
I suspect you do too
Afterall you're just a house
You don't even have hands to hold things in
Just rooms that have long since changed
Since the last time I saw them
Empty and leaving you

So how do we do this, 4 Circle East?
If you got any ideas
I'm open to suggestions

Please
i need your help
i need you
to break my ribs
no i'm serious
please
it's my heart you see
it's suffocating in there
under the weight of skin
and blood
and the ribs
please
you have to break it out
i've tried
i really have
but the more i pull the tighter they squeeze
like one of those finger traps
please
they do it for open heart surgery
this is not dissimilar
please you have to do it now
they can hear me writing this
and they threaten to squeeze tighter
and make my arms forzen
my fingers in rigor mortis
just break
my *******
ribs

The world is ash now
The colors are less vivd
a greyscale comparatively
my body parts work again
i can hear
whereas with you i feel like i am underwater
time is moving slowly once more
it moves so quickly with you
where i begin to wonder if you were ever here at all
I want to to trust you
but i don't

You are a stone.
I want to strike you with my stick
You know
Like Moses did in the desert
That worked out great for him
Not hard or anything
Just so the water finally gushes forth
And I am nourished
And you are human
And I can stop talking to a ******* stone
That doesn’t even answer back
Like real stones do
But I have to be careful
I don’t want you to burst
Though it would be strange if you did
You are a stone, after all
Maybe I’ll just sit next to you instead
Maybe that’ll work
Or poke a little
That should do the trick
Or ****
Or embrace
Or hold

Why isn’t this working
This isn’t
I can’t
Why aren’t you
Can’t you just
hey
How about thi—
Listen to me!

SMACK

Oh!
The water!
I did it!
You broke open!
Now I’ll be nourished!
Now you’ll finally be real!
I was afraid you’d burst!
Or I’d crumble
But I did it!
Now we can get out of this ******* desert
Together!

wait

The water
It’s trickling
There’s barely any at all
And you’re still a stone
And I’m still dying of thirst
And talking to a rock.
I’ll die before you trickle out enough water for me to drink
And live to tell about it
You know that, right?

I hate stones.
They‘re so unreliable.

I wish I could tell you things I could tell you
Things I know and things I wish
I wish I could tell you things I could tell you
The things we say are Cavendish
You know me and I know you
More than you ever know
But unless i tell you things I could tell you
It all comes down to Caberdeux

I wish i could tell you what i know you
There are words i cannot say
Except the 'deux and cavendish,
and nor co lique co lique oo lay

These are our words
From back when
Why don't you
Remember them?

Tell you or don't
I cannot say
But noir colique colique quelay.

This time I am older
This time I am smarter
This time my walls are weaker
When I try to build them back up
Like I have done for so many years
the things seep through
And the walls swell from the rising pressure

the things the things the spidery wet things

I thought I did it
I thought I solved it
I thought
I won

But here they are once more
And I am quite unsure what to do

Retreat or attack
Neither work here
Something I did not know
Till this time

In small doses maybe
But ultimately
Both make everything turn to ash and ultimately
Only feeds them

Stillness.
If you hold me
If you hug me
If you say one word to me I will drown in tears.

If I am still, I will die
I’m quite sure of it.

So instead
Each day I die only a little
slowly
Bits at a time

This time I know why
This time I know how
I
This
time.
I know the only person who can really help me
is me

So why does everything taste like mud.

well i still love you.
who knew?

Goodbye, my love.

I loved you first.

oh
now i see it is time
truly time
to let you go
both of you
i can tell by my resistance

i have created my need for you
out of the need to feel important
and the belief that life is only worth living for
when people are very complicated

that simply
                               isn't                    
                                                                                                          true.

i want to believe you love

but i don't
i want to hear the things you say know the things you do are worth my while our while but are they

i don't feel so

i feel resignation near like a dagger in my heart or worse. disappointment.

i'm out of grand gestures love sparks flying and cuts made and things ended

i'm tired

my sweet joy my love i love you but i'm tired and i have to let go because you're not here i love you but you grow grey

not morning grey

                                                                                                death

i wish i could see you in technicolor once more.