This time I am older
This time I am smarter
This time my walls are weaker
When I try to build them back up
Like I have done for so many years
the things seep through
And the walls swell from the rising pressure

the things the things the spidery wet things

I thought I did it
I thought I solved it
I thought
I won

But here they are once more
And I am quite unsure what to do

Retreat or attack
Neither work here
Something I did not know
Till this time

In small doses maybe
But ultimately
Both make everything turn to ash and ultimately
Only feeds them

Stillness.
If you hold me
If you hug me
If you say one word to me I will drown in tears.

If I am still, I will die
I’m quite sure of it.

So instead
Each day I die only a little
slowly
Bits at a time

This time I know why
This time I know how
I
This
time.
I know the only person who can really help me
is me

So why does everything taste like mud.