You're the one they adore.

I'm not one to admire another human that is such a trend as I never understood the concept of attention.

But the image of you standing there , hair falling into your beautiful green eyes that resembled the fresh cut grass in spring and your top teeth sunken into your bottom lip , trying to stop the trembling but never got it under control .

I wasn't until I was kissing your blood stained knuckles did realise I for a change followed the crowd .

I adored you and you I .

I will be forever great full for the time we spent together.

But like the say , curiosty killed the cat.

I hope you like your choices.

I'm not so sure about mine.

His sleeves were rolled up to above his elbow .

He always had a pen behind his ear and a packet of cigarettes tucked safely by his heart.

I could see the frown lines appear in his forehead, the constant look of tiredness behind his eyes.

He never asked for help, always to proud , always set in his ways.

I tried to open up myself to wrap around his mind .

I entered it slowly , full of dull browns and greys .

I closed my eyes tight , almost straining them , they needed to be hid , he could never notice.

I did this everyday until he finally did , his very words shook me to the core .

" I never liked the colour green" he said as he buttoned up his dress shirt and walked right out the tightly bolted door.

My mother always kept a supply of chocolate and rain boots close.  

I never questioned her morals because mother knew best.

I realised down the line , after many attepmts to work it out , she showed me her love in many different ways.

There was no problem chocolate couldn't fix , sometimes chocolate wasn't enough so she would hand me my rain boots and tell me to go stand in the rain .

She would join me and  hold her hands out , palms facing upwards towards the sky that was crying, I would copy her stance and hope I understood.

I never quite liked the feel of wet hair draped against my neck , wrapping around my face , it always resembled a tangled mess.

But my mother always looked content with the rain pouring down , beating off her chest.

She often told me life had a peculiar way of showing you what needed to be done.

So with her hair wrapped around her face, getting caught in her mouth, the water dripping off her chin a smile would appear.

She told me good things come in three but so dose the bad, she told me don't hold your nose up in the air unless you plan on smelling the rain .

She looked at me and said " rain is good, it washes away everything , i hope you learn from this "

We would go in and hang up our coats , make sure to wipe our  boots , she really did love that wooden floor.

Years on I released something that I'm sure she knows herself, rain can cause a mess , but like she always said " wipe your feet on the mat darling , the past is in the past"

I said I never liked commitment , I've said it half my life .

When you first met me I made it clear I was bitter and would only use you for the night..

You took me on broken and bruised and picked me up piece by piece .

I told you you would cut yourself I will most defiantly leave.

You looked at me and said it was okay because you needed new scars.

You picked me up bit by bit , cut yourself on the shattered parts.

Told me you loved me every day and every night.

You never really knew if I heard you so you made sure to say it twice.

Commitment was never for me you would always here me say.

But you never quite understood how I could my ink my skin but not let you stay.

You looked at me with sadness the kind I've seen before .

it all look so familiar to me but I was never one to be sure .

I second guessed every move I made , I was never satisfied .

Your body moved a certain way , you made our vines intertwine.

I will never forget you , that's a know fact.

I'm just sorry I misjudged our balancing act.

You see I was in it for the comfort and the security of another , I was in it for the body and the heat it radiated into mine .

You asked me why It was always cold in my house , a question you must have worded a hundered different was to make sure I wouldn't lie.

I simply looked into his eyes and said " I do it to feel, you see inside of me is this deep black hole he once used to cover , he was buried so deep in my heart , my body was half his , now I'm left to do to another what he did to me "

With your eyes full of tears ready to spill at any moment , I made sure to mutter to you "I never said forever "

I never said forever because what is time other than a way to navigate your day , if I promised you something I couldn't fulfil i would never be able to stay.

I told you not to get attached it was nothing more than company , I looked and you a realised you looked like me when he stood in front of me .

I could see the way your heart was breaking from the simple things I said , the truth is something that you wanted but you never knew it was this .

You see this bed was never made for two I always stayed in his.

So with your eyes flowing the tears of heartbreak and nothing less I'm sure , ill turn and walk away.

And whisper into the air and say " don't forget to close the door on your way" .

I don't care who said crying was overrated, who gave you the ******* right to control the tear ducts of another human .

A human shows emotion through tears , laughter , smiles. The human face has 24 different emotions yet the water stains on her cheeks was never stated as one .

The stains of mascara running down her cheeks , dripping on to neck , her nose sniffling up the excess embarrassment .

I told her to stop trying to be brave , she had to embrace each feeling as it came , I saw her chest heave up and down in a rapid movement so fast I couldn't keep count.

Her mouth was open , no sound came out , she looked like a fish out of water and person screaming but no sound .

Her hands started to shake her body soon followed next I held her close put her head in between the crook of my face and neck .

I felt the water dripping down my neck to my top I never said a word , never told her to stop.

Even though I just changed my sheets that day I never told her to man up because crying is a source of speech when words are not enough .

She had so much emotion and all she could do was mutter incoherent words ,I think it was " I'm sorry" .

Sorry for what I will never know , she never once asked me to let go and I never did .

For once in her life I gave her an embrace even though she refused because if she didn't feel my comfort I'm not sure what she would do .

I did it because when I need that embrace they all refused to give it , they told me to " **** it up" " be ******* brave" , I soon  found comfort in smashing my fist against my bathroom mirror and throwing my mothers jewellery box outside in the rain .

I stopped and I jumped in the mud that had formed and that was when I promised myself , if another person needs my embrace no matter who it was , I sure as ******* hell will give it because crying alone is just no good.

It's no good that others can't see your pain , I encourage you to throw a fit and call names , call them all ******* ***** tell them how worthless they are that when you needed comfort he would rather go sit in the car .

I want you to scream , yell and shout with the tears streaming down your face , show them what expressing yourself is all about.

Darling don't ever hold your tears in , wearing mascara or not ,just always keep a tissue tucked in your sleeve, and wipe your eyes till they are raw with the courage that they need.

"Just one" I say " wait just three , okay four" I swore I'd stop , "it's okay" I would say " nobody has to know " .

You see it can take one word , an action a sound , to make the gears in your head spin around and around . They can go as slow as a turtle on a hot summers day , wait don't think about summer , summer has to go away.

Summer can never be here , no sun or clear sky because sun means shorts , tank tops , your friends by your side .

" it's just for today , tomorrow will be fine " you tell your friends you're busy " it's okay , they won't ask you why" the voice inside my head has an answer for everything , it tells me how happy that little blade can make me .

" it can bring you to places you know you can enjoy, trust me? I'm sure I've never let you down before "

**** it's hot , I can't take my top off , oh god no not again , I can feel myself sweating , it's at the back of my neck , mocking me, yelling.

I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way , but the blood makes me happy , I never thought blood was beautiful till I saw it dripping out of my own skin , to see gravity pulling it straight to the ground , with it goes my sadness for a little while at least .

You see my daemons  never rest they sleep 2 hours at the most but something inside my head keeps willing me to go .

But summer can't be here , not yet , just stay away , I know if it comes my cuts and scars will be on show , **** what will my parents say , my cousin , my neighbours, **** what about my best friend she asked me if I was okay .

But of course I said no and found comfort in a blade, my body is a canvas ,I just paint it a different way.

You choose to leave me and that's fine .

I hope I see you soon , well maybe not today , or tomorrow , or even in a year , but eventually you're going to turn up and realise the damage has been done .

It has taken me years of scratching at my skin , opening up my wounds with fresh heartache from another bitter night with another guy, you see it's not considered a one night stand , no , never, it's more of an audition but nobody ever gets a call back.  They made me half believe that for a few hours I was the one they need , but little did they know in reality we both just wanted to be held in another's arms no matter how foreign they felt.

Now all I can do is lay on my bed , fall asleep , hope that dreams of you and I never come to  mind then wake up and do nothing about it .

Mould has grown in the places you used to touch .

Darling what a terrible thing that is.

I was once a rose with so many thorns but have turned into nothing but a fungus , a ****  , nothing but a disaster.

You came to me with your edges so sharp willing to cut off my petals if things got to much .

I let you in and moulded myself around you , my vines intertwined with your limbs trying to make us one.

You never liked the felling of another pressed against you , never quite understood how one could stay in the same place for such a length of time without wanting to expand further and Interrupt another's path.

What you didn't know was I gave you everything , I shed my petals to give you a bed of roses , but it seemed my path wasn't good enough nor my petals bright enough or even my vines intertwined with your limbs enough to make you stay.

So I sit here , as my body withers with nothing but a fungus to keep me warm , I intertwine my body with the mould given and hope that one day you will come back , with your edges not so sharp and sinful and tell me how bright my petals were and how sorry you are for making me nothing more than a notch in your bedpost.