Sitting in a dingy shed
with dust covered chairs.
My clothes sticking to my skin
from hot humid air.
The smoke swirls around the room dancing,
against the black night.
Creating memories I cannot forget,
hoping we will be alright.

being alone is
raw.

when
no one can see you,
is the time you can
see yourself.

feeling the pain is
real.

then
you know
that you are
human.

validate me,
make me feel
like I am worth something.
I cannot seem to
find my own value.
I need others to
spoon feed me
likes and comments,
just so I can say-
I did well.

I wasn't ready for him,
but he didn't understand that.

I forgot to tell you
I am strong
I am brave
I am going to persevere

You didn't hear me
when I told you
You are kind
You are loving
You are here for a reason

Now I am here
and I am filled with regret
because
it seems as if you
never heard me
and I know you never will

I stood there
and smiled for you
I sat next to you
as you cried

you never saw
that I couldn't
smile for myself
you never saw that
I was crying too

I gave you everything
and you repaid me
by treating me like ****

I tend to play with the notion of love.
I see people who are in love,
and I wish to know
what it feels like to
cherish the existence of someone,
and to share with them
the most personal parts
of your body and soul.

I often find my cynicism
to ******* my chance
of ever finding someone
who I could love.
I fantasize about love so often,
yet I do so much to-
ruin whatever chance I could have.

I may never love someone-
the way I wish to love someone.

forgive me father for I have sinned
I can't repent
I am not your child

forgive me father for I don't believe
I am not pure
I do not give my body to Christ

forgive me father for I am an adulterer
I have laid with man before marriage
I did not save myself

forgive me father,
or not.

I am staring
and they aren't here,
yet I see them

I feel so wrong.

she is on the ground;
crying about
broken zippers.

I am empty.

I force myself to smile
and say
"I'm having fun."

this isn't right

nothing ceases my creativity like doubt.
it is a black hole that
devours
anything I write.
I am not one to care of what others think,
yet
my mind is hindered
because my poem didn't get a like.
there is something so immature
within that thought.
just because no one
saw
doesn't make it any less
of what it is.
it is my soul
and even though
doubt makes it hard
I will share every thought
that my fingers will allow.

"I don't
understand free verse
poetry."
looking at him
I try to decide whether
or not
he just doesn't understand my
poetry.
"why doesn't it rhyme?"
I laugh
while confused faces
stare.

my poetry is free verse,
because
I like to be
unlimited
in the ways that I express
who I am.

that split second
that I saw her face
and how it twisted in pain

it haunts me

the way the light hit her was almost
cinematic

she is hurting
and I cannot help
she wont let me

but I understand
no matter how much
I wish I didnt

she doesnt want to
burden me with what she is feeling as if it
somehow will scare me away

but what she doesnt know
is I am here to stay
and no matter
the amount of tears  
that she sheds
or the words she yells

she simply cannot get rid of me

but, if she holds it inside
I will surely lose her

because you should have seen her face
and how it told me
everything
without
a single word

I miss you sometimes.

I miss you,
because I love you,
and I miss you because
I look up to you.

you raised me to be
strong.
you showed me that
I am beautiful.
you are my light.

I thank you for trying,
but
it hurts to look out at
the parents
and not see you smiling:
to not see you at all.

I know you are doing what is best,
but I sometimes
wish
there was a different way.
I miss you.

fear has ruined me
making it hard
to live a simple life

something has permanently
damaged me
making it okay to hide
from the things
that make me shake

a growing nausea
that I thought Id outgrow
but
I am an adult
and I still cant look
someone in the eye
no matter
how comfortable

they hate me
they love me
I annoy them
I adore them

I am afraid that
no matter how much
I grow
this fear will still be inside
like hot embers
eating away at me

Allow me
to make my own decisions.
Let me
make many mistakes.
Walk alongside me
not in front of me.

I laugh at the ones who want me,
because I know they'll never love me

it could have been
the sound
of my heart
breaking
with every laugh
and smile
that I forced

I go through times
where
I cannot stomach

living.

I enjoy life,
but
there is a time
when I wish
I could do anything,
but live.

quiet amongst roaring winds
broken thoughts have built within
an emotional storm pulls my soul
my weary eyes fill with smoke
and whispers fill my hollow bones
my body is battered and bruised
chaos is sure to ensue

I go through times
where
I cannot stomach

living.

I am not who I want to be:
I am someone I pretend to be.
I want someone who will see me.
Someone who will allow me to be,
the real version of me.
Someone who doesn't see
the faux flaws I've given me.
I need to be someone worthy of me:
someone I can be proud to be.