there was a crack in my soul
then you picked me up and mended me
putting gold in the cracks

and then you dropped me again

now there are many cracks  
and the dust of the fools gold you left behind-

crumbled

i dont know what i dreamt about
i just know that it was about you
it’s always you

when i talk to you everything clicks
something that feels so right
when we talk, whispers like we used to it all comes back to me
and I remember why i fell in love
i remember why this was so hard to lose
i hear you laugh
i hear the softness in your voice when you call me
and i’ve never felt anything more worth it

it only makes it hurt more when i realize this wasn’t worth it for you

can i ever be enough?

let me be enough

what to do when you committed yourself to someone who won’t commit themselves to you?
they never loved you the way you loved them
maybe they don’t even deserve the way you loved them
saying that makes your heart hurt though,

how to look right at the face of the one who crushed your heart
and not want the entire world for them
how to stop wishing they’d be okay
that they would be happy again

how to stop wishing for the past
when they giggled and smiled and said “it’s because of you”

how to forget the tone in their voice when they said “i love you too”

How

if you figure it out write it down on a paper and send it to me too

words i need to know more than i need her to be true

I don’t remember how it went anymore
I was too caught up in the emotions to notice when it fell apart
It wasn’t until there was thread spilling over my hands and onto my feet that i realized that none of it was keeping us together anymore

our relationship was notifications
banners I expected daily, without fail
ones that made my heart skip a beat
every single one i counted in my mind
they fell like coins in a jar, the clank- a smile

they morphed over times and months rolled themselves tighter and tighter, crushing us in its grasps

every time i see a notification
it’s not from you
i know
it’s almost never from you
and the coins in the jar have cracked it with each fall
and the shards dig into my heart every time i see
it isn’t you
i don’t know how to stop hoping that you’ll come back to me
that maybe one day i’ll get more notifications and it’ll be from you and-
i’ll smile
smiles seem so foreign to me now
what i do know is that it hurts

every notification that isn’t you is stabbing, twisting
and i turned them all off after I finally swirled into nothing but a cloud of pain
and i played music so loud i hoped it would crack through my skull
and i let myself dance
and forget

so what were we in the end?
us?
just a mass of notifications

how did they string together so well?
how did they fix themselves into a shape that convinced me to fall in love?

and how did they give themselves so much power
that now i feel myself disappearing bit by bit every time i see them

i’ve almost grown afraid of them

notifications
that’s all we were
and they themselves
omens of pain

but maybe that’s all we were too