the first thing i was able to remember
was the cold
maybe because it resonates today
with my soul
the snow fell around me dancing
in the air
my eyes frozen along with my body
forced to stare
the snowflakes were teasing me
with their ballet
and I was forced to watch them
as my light died away

i am not a shell of a man
in fact
i'm looking for my shell
not having a body
means not feeling anything
and i find myself
missing the cold

A hanging carcass
under the stairs
there is nothing
left for me to do
but rot
tell my family
i loved them
tell my girlfriend
that I'm sorry
I never told her
how beautiful she was
tell my soul
that left long ago
to come back
and tell the world
I said goodbye

I remember it
like it was years ago
or maybe yesterday
snow falling around me
like the laughter
in my soul
my eyes finding refuge
in the fall upon my feet
tiny dancers
mocking
my reaction
or rather lack of
to the cold
i found myself
numb
i found myself
restless
and then i found
my eyes
wandering behind me
into the snow
finally taking notice
in the lack of footprints
that followed
my feet reaching nothing
but a shallow cry
and that's when I knew

the world would never see me again

i killed myself in winter
it was 37 below zero
and my mind was as numb as my toes
i didn't think it could get any colder
i was wrong.

my mind may have layers
stairs and levels
twisting
and turning
halls and rooms
but don't be fooled
my mind is not
a building
my mind is not
a home
in fact
my mind
is where i get
lost the most
I can't find refuge
not even in my own head

I studied your face
from below
as your tears
fell through me
and onto the floor
I wanted to comfort you
but I knew
I would only leave you
trembling
and scared of the dark

You were craving warmth
and I hated how
I made you shiver

I can see you
inside the closet
as I watch you from
under the covers
your eyes peak out
through the darkness
hiding
and I can tell you know I'm
scared
I know you're
there
I can see you

(now read up)

the walls
rotting
halls
empty
I am stuck
in the place
I can relate to the most