As I'm looking forward at the light at the end of this never ending tunnel, a few things come to mind in regards to you. Promise to listen carefully to what I say: my few, final requests.

       Promise me that you won't make these same empty promises to the next girl with whom you become involved with. After hearing the same empty, meaningless phrases - I'll always be here, I love you, I'm here for you, You're mine - time and time again, they begin to lose all meaning. They all start to sound like noise. Don't promise her things that you don't intend to do; don't tell her things that you know you don't mean. Once a girl has had the same things repeated to her by guys who constantly leave, they have a much more difficult time believing the ones who stay.

       Promise me that you'll be open and honest with her. If you mean what you say, and say what you  mean, this is the only way she'll be able to acknowledge it. I promise you that honesty and communication really are the two things that she'll want the most.
                                                                                  I know they were for me.

       Be patient with her. She has more than likely had to deal with more than her share of leaving. Reassure her of your intentions, but don't you EVER lie to make her feel better. Don't you dare tell her that you'll always be there for her if your intention is to hit it and quit it. Be honest, it's the least you could do.

Share with her your hopes, dreams, goals, aspirations, past and fears. Women are some of the most loyal, strong, yet ever so fragile creatures to walk this planet. She will stand by your side through think and thin if you give her honesty and consistency.
                                                                        At least, I know I would have.

       If you fall in love with this girl, show her. Show her the depths of your affection for her, but be prepared that it may take time for her to trust it and show it back.

       Finally, If I could tell you anything on your endeavors of going forward I'd say this: Open your eyes! Realize what a gift you've been given and thank God everyday for her. Don't take her kindness, forgiveness, or patience for granted. Realize that not everyone is so lucky to have that.

                                                                      From,
                                                                               Your Flight Commander
                                                                                Your Sunshine.

Every time I say I'm done trying..
I always find my self thinking about you again.
So maybe I'm done trying to be over you.
Maybe I'm done trying to forget everything we've been through.
Maybe I'm done trying to fool myself into thinking I could live without you.
Done trying to stop thinking about you
Just in general.
I find myself thinking about you,
Even when I didn't know I was.
You'll just pop into my head,
It makes me go crazy.
Kinda like just now.
I wasn't even trying to think about you.
You weren't even on my mind.
And BAM.
You have to invade my thoughts, my heart, my mind.
It makes me insane.
Mostly because I don't think I ever invade your thoughts, heart or mind.

It's over now.
But something inside me is telling me that it has just begun.

I don't know if I'd call this.. this life, living. Yes, physically I am alive. My heart beats, my lungs take in oxygen. But I feel nothing. Walking amongst the crowds invisible to all; without purpose, without responsibility, without hope. No one sees the pain in my eye as a cry for help. It's just normal, regular, me. They tell me to "get over it", "move on", "find someone new", "it'll be okay"; but how? How can I? I have no idea where to begin. Day in and day out he is all I think about. It's almost repulsive really how obsessive I've become. It'd be different if I'd actually spoken to him, I suppose. I haven't said a word to him in over four months besides " Happy New Year", even then it was nothing special. This is pathetic. I am a pathetic. Why can't I just face reality? Accept the truth. In my heart, I know if I ever mattered, he would have reached out.

It's weird having a best friend that you're not close to anymore. It's weird remembering all the laughter, tears, hugs, and fears that were shared. We never thought our farewell would come so soon. There wasn't a falling out. It wasn't because of anything in particular. Anything but distance. 1,956 miles of distance. Which makes me wonder if we were honestly friends or just friends because of convenience. We shared our whole lives with each other, but now, we rarely talk. It's weird to have to think if I should go into the details of my heartbreak, my love, my life with you. Or if I should just scratch the surface like I would do with any other stranger. I'm not the same person I was when you left. I've changed. I have learned my lessons the hard way. But every part of me wishes you were there with me. We never think the last time would be the last time. I miss you, bestfriend. I miss you so much it hurts.

Reflecting back on this past year irritates me, almost to anger. Why did I spend so much time waiting for you? How could I be so stupid. Often my mind ventures to ask the bold question of "how are you now". So much has evolved, changed, started over, been made fresh. Yet, there remains that one thing, constant as the sun rising in the east. I've watched, I've waited. I've loved, I've hated. None of which change how I feel for you. Some days, I love you so much that it physically hurts. Perhaps I always will. But I laugh at myself when I realize how long I spent waiting for you to make up your mind. It ends now. I'm done waiting.

All I can think about is you and me,
and how we, used to be “we”.
Sometimes I just go back to the day,
when you made your way,
into my life.
All I could imagine is being your girl,
being your world.
You were everything to me,
and then I woke up one day,
to realize it was just a pipe dream.
You were more into her
than you were ever into me.
I don’t know if I was dreaming it all,
But it feels like one big bad dream.
You are not who you used to be.
Probably because we, aren’t “we”.

All I want
All I crave..
Is the one thing I'll never have.

sunny with a high of losing my mind

I'm not sure what I want from you.
But do you remember when we'd tell each other everything?
Nothing was left out, nothing to hide?
I want that again.
I wanna know that you know, that you can trust me.
I'm not going to tell anyone anything.
I'm not going to break your heart.
Somehow I know you'll do the same.
I always feel so comfortable around you.
Like I can be myself around you, and know that you wont judge me.
When we were little, we used to call each other "best friends".
We said we'd stay best friends forever.
We said we'd always tell each other everything.
I've always felt odd calling someone else that.
I still refer to you as it too.
Maybe it's because, despite where life takes us in these next few years, I always wanted, knew, somehow you'd be my best friend again.
Though, maybe, I just need to let go.
Move on.
Because, no matter what I want we aren't kids anymore.
Everything doesn't go as planned in our minds.
I guess, I hope that one day you'll find someone who you trust, who you're comfortable around, and you can love.
Just be yourself.
It'll happen.

I'm tired of trying to win at this impossible game.
All it does is leave you broken and scared.
Why does it have to be like this?
You seem to want this as much as I do.
So why don't you try too?
Why does everything have to be based on fear?
Fear of rejection, fear of cheating, fear of losing what we already have, fear of losing you.
Who cares about the what ifs.
What if we actually get closer..?
What if it is exactly what we thought..?
What if we fall in love?

I want you to want me, like I want you. I want you to need me, like I need you. I want to be the person you think about when you can't sleep at night, and when you first wake up in the morning. I want little things like a song, a commercial, or a piece of clothing to remind you of me. I want you to imagine us together. Imagine all the things we could be, do, and see. Together. Us. You and me. I want us to be more than just friends. I want us to be more than what we are or were. I want us to be the couple everyone looks at and is jealous of. I know we could be. I know we could be a power couple, constantly pushing each other to be better. I want to explore new things with you. Let's go on adventures, let's go get lost together. I want to build something so big, so pure, so real with you that it never really ends. I want you to want this. I want you to want me.

I woke up Saturday morning and with one glance of my phone, I was bawling. No one died, no one was hurt. I simply go the message that I had been waiting for for four months. He apologized. For everything, he apologized. Finally he honestly acknowledged that I was worth more than what he gave me. I deserved better. It was surreal. Numbing. It woke me up. I had been living in a daze for months, wondering what was sincere and what was a show. I was right all along. But, there was something about hearing it from him. Hearing him say: "If I could take back how I treated you, I would". He broke me for the last time.

I'm stuck in a rut. Always the same routine. I'm going through the motions, and I just want it all to end. I want to feel something; something positive! I want to be able to wake up each morning looking forward to life, not when I'll be able to sleep next.. I don't want to just live life, I want to be alive. Feel alive!


So why can't I...

do we write to remember,
or are we writing to forget?

You know what I am constantly afraid of every time you don't answer your phone or text me back. I'm afraid that just like that, in a blink of an eye everything changed for you. I'm afraid you decided to go back to her, to make it easier. I'm afraid you found someone new and exciting that you vibe with and decided they were better. I'm afraid that just like every time before you, I still wasn't good enough. Do you know what it's like to live in a constant fear like that? To be afraid every time the phone rings or every time you get a message that everything you found comfort in, everything you wanted was just gone? Every single time I get a picture from her, a message from her, it makes me second guess you. It's probably what she wants, but it's working. I should have never gotten this far into it with you. I should have stayed away. I should have listened to the warnings of my family, my friends, and my gut. I should have payed attention to the red flags that continuously showed up. I should have never let myself fall like this for you. Because it's the kind of fear that will give you sleepless nights, the kind that makes you lose your appetite, your drive, your ambition. It's a crippling fear.

I remember there was a time when I knew I would be okay if you did make that sudden decision. It would be a decision you weren't first to make. I remember when the sound of your lies didn't soothe my anxiety. I remember when I could see right through it all. But now, I feel all of this fear at once, because if you were to change your mind within the hours of silence I don't know what I would do. I don't know if I could handle something like that again and the thought of that scares me so badly.