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6.5k · Sep 2018
I keep my weeds in a vase
Delia Darling Sep 2018
As I stand here, outside my work building
stealing a smoke break
I wonder about God and the universe
and how much happier it makes me feel
to believe in other things

That the sun was a running man
chasing the stars in that endless black
run man
run fast
run free
but freedom only gets you
slipping and sliding in circular leaps
around our earth, almost like
a clumsy mouse in a stationary wheel
and these sneaky stars
always one step ahead at sunrise
or at his heels in sunset

My mom’s a Catholic woman
she won’t believe in the running man
her stars are not stars, no
her stars are rosaries in purses and
priest’s words
taught words
holy words
but holy words are also
human words, are they not?
It never made sense to me
that a person could live their whole life
repenting it

But then again,
my dad used to have me work in our yard,
picking the weeds outside
and he let me treasure them in a vase
he never called them weeds,
they were always
dandy-flowers
wishing flowers
wildflowers
but wild only gets you
believing in the sun and
keeping shrubs in vases
All of which suit me, because

In the lonely nights of endless black,
I have the company of my own stars
and when holy words of weeds fall back
I remember that—
wild humans are only wildflowers
Just some random thoughts induced by an insignificant smoke break
1.3k · Jul 2018
To the Edge
Delia Darling Jul 2018
On the day that I lost my name
I took a nice long walk
To the edge of infinity,
Searching for it

You know, they say the earth is round
And as I leaned to peer over the side of it
There, lay a vast blanket of outer space
No continuous ground— like they said
No path to move on from
Dead-end roads  and deadened feet
Had led me to this edge, where
I cut myself on contemplative thorns

“At what point did he stop loving me?”
“My friends are gone”
“Rehab couldn’t fix me”
“I don’t want to wake up tomorrow”

No, the world isn’t round
My thoughts are round
And so are my vices
Always spinning and falling
Into a perpetual mental cycle

So when I looked beyond the cliffs of my flat Earth
Into the depths of nothingness
I pondered what it would feel like

To
      tippy
                 toe
                         my way over

                  To lose myself forever

If I never wake up tomorrow
Would they remember my name?
664 · Sep 2018
First Star
Delia Darling Sep 2018
In the midst of these words I write
It so happened upon me
A silver sight of flickered light
Appeared in space and sea
First star, so pure and bright
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have less thoughts to think at night...
Delia Darling Sep 2018
She's going to make it
Lost a lot of blood...
****!
High alcohol level
Ten minutes away
She's okay, she's okay
Losing her fast
She's gonna make it!
————————————
My head is reeling
Dear god, the world is on it's back
Please,
Stop panicking— it's only blood
No, I don't want an IV
It's okay, I'm okay
Don't give me an IV
Don't touch me, I said no!
agh!


Fears digress to slurred vocabulary
Over and over
"Am I broke? Am I broke now?"
Yah i don't like IVs...
526 · Dec 2018
Heʻe Roa
Delia Darling Dec 2018
Paddle
Paddle
Paddle
Up and on my feet
Falling, thrill of the initial fall
To catch the ride
Colliding currents crash waves
Into mental deadlock days
Winter swells come at shore break
Building momentum and grind
Like breaks at homesick Pipeline
Ride, curl and slide
Rip
Sweep the sides
Slick
Don’t choke this good vibe
Stay on this wave
467 · Jul 2018
Reasons
Delia Darling Jul 2018
I couldn’t possibly die today
I haven’t given Dr. Itoh his keys back
Or read the book he told me to
I have not smelled the November sunflowers
Or gone to that concert
That plays in the beginning of October
Live reggae
I could live a little longer for that
I still owe Kevin ramen
And I still owe my sister a visit
In her hometown
Next month
To see the stars far away from city lights
I could stay another month
For the stars
And my sister
I haven’t shared my novel
Or poems
I think someone might like them
And if not, at least
Someone could understand
Where it went wrong
Someone could understand why
I drink for my happiness
And sleep for my sanity
433 · Jul 2018
Manic Thoughts
Delia Darling Jul 2018
What does it mean to be
Emotionally unavailable?
My manic thoughts keep me starving for
An imagined happy

“Are you single?” They asked
Well, my heart is as open as an old wound
That reopens & bleeds & scars for
Vicarious validation
Yet closed in the sense that it shuts down
Every time it starts to feel something
Almost habitually,
As if in self defense
I guess you could say my heart was a
Twisted & distanced kind of available...

But no
I’m not available in my mind
Because it knows better than my
Feeling *****
The human container that’s headstrong
To it’s gullible nature
My thinking ***** knows that
Vicarious happy is not real happy
Which labels my forehead like a neon sign
Emotionally Unavailable

I crave a validation that looks like your love
But it won’t fix me
Or provide the happiness I
Desperately need for myself
You can’t love yourself through somebody else
429 · Jul 2018
Marks
Delia Darling Jul 2018
I wear my smile like I wear my tattoo
Subtle & cute, and
Covering something
That ******* gave me
407 · Jul 2018
Rhythmic Butter
Delia Darling Jul 2018
My heartbeat's gone all wrong
A stuttering flutter of rhythmic butter
Something this *****'s been slipping on
And what is the tempo marking, dear?
Quarter note equals freakin’ infinity
It's come to my attention, I fear
I never breathed a note this long
370 · Jul 2018
Ill
Delia Darling Jul 2018
Ill
I feel sick in my soul
Sour aftertaste of my inner thoughts
Chase it down with some Heineken
Then sleep till morning breath
352 · Oct 2018
Life hack
Delia Darling Oct 2018
Those times—when the world is burning
I’ll light my cigarette on it
and watch it go
let it be.
Delia Darling Sep 2018
The one who gave me a heated blanket
While switching it out every so often
Covering my wounds with caution

The one who gave me water
All concerned about me,
Like I was her daughter

The one who gave me slippers to keep
So I don't leave with ***** feet
(and wouldn't take no as an answer)

Who's soft eyes held no accusation
Blinding those with which
My thoughts held in possession—
That'd say I ******* up once again

These people cared about me
A lot more than I did
Gave me a kindness that
I had never yet tasted
A loving memory between strangers
For the rest of my life, I'll never waste it

With the sincerest of wishes,
Bless all you nurses out there
I **** at writing cheesy poetry.. eh oh well
Delia Darling Dec 2018
please, explain this thoroughly
straight up now— no flirting with reason;
why should I give you a sip of me
when you **** your love like acidic poison?
170 · Jul 2018
Mental Divide
Delia Darling Jul 2018
Unsettled
Unsure
Underneath my composure
I cringe
I fold
I lose all sense of control

Time forces me past this dividend
But I still yearn between two ends

To find
To know
To somehow let it go
Or run
Or hide
Or burn it all inside
Delia Darling Sep 2018
It's hard to talk about it to happy people
With pretty sounds of poetry
Or talk about it at all, really

'Cause how could you put in words
The science of "sad girl" warnings
Or that feeling of regret
That I woke up this morning

Honestly, I just wanted to feel nothing
In spite of this sick espirit

A disphoria so ingrained in the flesh,
Only death could set you free.
.
134 · Feb 10
writing process
Delia Darling Feb 10
Can’t stop making bad decisions
Just puke all my thinking words and then
Roll into myself like a pollie
115 · Jul 2018
Domesticated Dog
Delia Darling Jul 2018
a domesticated dog you are
clutching your presumed territory
the yard of a house, the fence you are leashed to
you can bark but you cannot speak
no justifications, never
so you bark
and you howl until someone
understands your menacing threats
what for?
not hunger, but
defense
defense of your territory
your fence and your leash
100 · Dec 2018
today sucked
Delia Darling Dec 2018
The car parked next to me finally drove away
Sweet, now I can cry in peace
75 · Feb 9
acceptance
sometimes
the things you believe in your heart
that‘d make you whole
can’t

& you have to break it yourself
control the damage
before someone else does it for you

— The End —