Paddle Paddle Paddle Up and on my feet Falling, thrill of the initial fall To catch the ride Colliding currents crash waves Into mental deadlock days Winter swells come at shore break Building momentum and grind Like breaks at homesick Pipeline Ride, curl and slide Rip Sweep the sides Slick Don’t choke this good vibe Stay on this wave
She's going to make it Lost a lot of blood... ****! High alcohol level Ten minutes away She's okay, she's okay Losing her fast She's gonna make it! ———————————— My head is reeling Dear god, the world is on it's back Please, Stop panicking— it's only blood No, I don't want an IV It's okay, I'm okay Don't give me an IV Don't touch me, I said no! agh!
Fears digress to slurred vocabulary Over and over "Am I broke? Am I broke now?"
In the midst of these words I write It so happened upon me A silver sight of flickered light Appeared in space and sea First star, so pure and bright I wish I may, I wish I might Have less thoughts to think at night...
As I stand here, outside my work building stealing a smoke break I wonder about God and the universe and how much happier it makes me feel to believe in other things
That the sun was a running man chasing the stars in that endless black run man run fast run free but freedom only gets you slipping and sliding in circular leaps around our earth, almost like a clumsy mouse in a stationary wheel and these sneaky stars always one step ahead at sunrise or at his heels in sunset
My mom’s a Catholic woman she won’t believe in the running man her stars are not stars, no her stars are rosaries in purses and priest’s words taught words holy words but holy words are also human words, are they not? It never made sense to me that a person could live their whole life repenting it
But then again, my dad used to have me work in our yard, picking the weeds outside and he let me treasure them in a vase he never called them weeds, they were always dandy-flowers wishing flowers wildflowers but wild only gets you believing in the sun and keeping shrubs in vases All of which suit me, because
In the lonely nights of endless black, I have the company of my own stars and when holy words of weeds fall back I remember that— wild humans are only wildflowers
Just some random thoughts induced by an insignificant smoke break
On the day that I lost my name I took a nice long walk To the edge of infinity, Searching for it
You know, they say the earth is round And as I leaned to peer over the side of it There, lay a vast blanket of outer space No continuous ground— like they said No path to move on from Dead-end roads and deadened feet Had led me to this edge, where I cut myself on contemplative thorns
“At what point did he stop loving me?” “My friends are gone” “Rehab couldn’t fix me” “I don’t want to wake up tomorrow”
No, the world isn’t round My thoughts are round And so are my vices Always spinning and falling Into a perpetual mental cycle
So when I looked beyond the cliffs of my flat Earth Into the depths of nothingness I pondered what it would feel like
To tippy toe my way over
To lose myself forever
If I never wake up tomorrow Would they remember my name?
What does it mean to be Emotionally unavailable? My manic thoughts keep me starving for An imagined happy
“Are you single?” They asked Well, my heart is as open as an old wound That reopens & bleeds & scars for Vicarious validation Yet closed in the sense that it shuts down Every time it starts to feel something Almost habitually, As if in self defense I guess you could say my heart was a Twisted & distanced kind of available...
But no I’m not available in my mind Because it knows better than my Feeling ***** The human container that’s headstrong To it’s gullible nature My thinking ***** knows that Vicarious happy is not real happy Which labels my forehead like a neon sign Emotionally Unavailable
I crave a validation that looks like your love But it won’t fix me Or provide the happiness I Desperately need for myself
My heartbeat's gone all wrong A stuttering flutter of rhythmic butter Something this *****'s been slipping on And what is the tempo marking, dear? Quarter note equals freakin’ infinity It's come to my attention, I fear I never breathed a note this long
I couldn’t possibly die today I haven’t given Dr. Itoh his keys back Or read the book he told me to I have not smelled the November sunflowers Or gone to that concert That plays in the beginning of October Live reggae I could live a little longer for that I still owe Kevin ramen And I still owe my sister a visit In her hometown Next month To see the stars far away from city lights I could stay another month For the stars And my sister I haven’t shared my novel Or poems I think someone might like them And if not, at least Someone could understand Where it went wrong Someone could understand why I drink for my happiness And sleep for my sanity
a domesticated dog you are clutching your presumed territory the yard of a house, the fence you are leashed to you can bark but you cannot speak no justifications, never so you bark and you howl until someone understands your menacing threats what for? not hunger, but defense defense of your territory your fence and your leash