Is it that hard to be loyal?

You say, "I love you" to me,
when you are happy..

but you say that I don't deserve you,
when you are mad.

You say that I am beautiful,
when you are happy.

but you say that you could do so much better than me,
when you are sad.

You say "I miss you" to me,
when you are happy.

but you say "leave me alone I couldn't care less about you",
when you are mad.

You say that it's hard to find someone like me in this day and age,
when you are happy,

but you also say...
that I make your life harder,
that I always seem to **** up,
that you should leave me,
that you don't find happiness in me,
that what is standing between our relationship and goodbye is a single mistake from me,
that a single moment can change everything,


so what is it you love, miss, and find beautiful about me?
so what is it you deserve more than my best that I gave you?
so what is that I can improve to make you find happiness in me if all of it is subjective and arbitrary to you?

so why do you say "I love you"
when you are happy

but never,  "they can never make me leave you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "I miss you"
when you are happy,

but never, "I need you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "you are mine"
when you are happy,

but never make feel like you are here to stay?

..

We are out here
trying to make it out of
whatever we think
we need to try to make it out of,

will we ever reach
where we think
we need to reach,
if we are never
where we need to be?

I don't know what is easier,
staying in a burning house,
or watching it burn.

I feel like a prisoner
amid all the chaos
that defines the parameters of my life,

Entangled in battles that aren’t mine,
when I can barely find the strength to fight my own.

Enforcing silence upon
all the oppression I have endured,

Feeling like a therapist with confidentiality clauses
constantly being shoved down my throat,

except no law is binding me to stay silent,
but there is simply no one to vent to.

Is this how you want to write our story?

Is that how you want to define our love?

Are those the parts you want to hold on to, stronger than you hold onto me?

Are you happier with these thoughts you prisoned in your head?

Is this

Is that how you want to end our story?

My dear
the future
is new,
it's the unknown
that you probably want to explore,
so go ahead,
move on,
move forward,
live for the present
and reach for what's awaiting you,
leave all behind
that belongs
to the past
and the gone,
be one with the wind,
let it move you
as if your entities
were made of sand,
scatter into
what's meant for you
and who's the one for you.

I still remember the first time your hand reached for mine,
I still remembering my hand going numb upon the touch of yours,
I still remember the sight of your eyes trying to trace my eyes as your hand reached for mine,
waiting for a reaction, an expression,,
I still remember the echo of your accent flowing through my ears,

I am starting to feel it again,
an alarm going off, right after
a red flag if fluttered,
except my flight or flight is not quite excited,
I am stuck in-between,
contemplating flight or fight,
confused on what comes next,
dissonant about the rationality of my decisions,
and afraid of the consequences of my actions,
filled with thoughts, filling with thoughts,
and overflowing with thoughts.

Being with you isn't easy,
but it's worth it,
it's right,

Being with you isn't a choice,
it's a need,

Being with you

for i am a rose
blooming with the
colour of my blood
and thorned by
the wars i’ve battled,

for i am a rose,
with skin so thick,
even when it sheds petals,
there lies more strength,

for i am a rose,
placed with another
for the ones who want it all,
and preserved in my individuality
for the ones who look for the one,

for i am a rose,
climbing my way out with
eyes on the stars and feet on the ground.

Ladies,
your standards are the not the problem
your standards are their problem
and your problem is how low
the bar has been set.

if you listen close enough to your soul
it will tell you how to heal,
just listen to what it has to say,
listen and you’ll find the way.

hold onto
my pain
even if you
cause it,

comfort me
just as you
hurt me,

that's the bare
minimum I will fall for

How do you look at me
and only see my imperfections,
how do you see through me
and still find nothing worthy
of holding onto,
how am I supposed
do you show me your love
when all you do is criticize me,
how do I just let you be
when I can't even be..
myself?

You held onto me,
like a child in a store holding onto a toy
he can't possibly afford,
walking with it aisle to aisle,
playing with it for as long as he possibly can,
then hiding it in a corner,
out of sight,
so that it's there to play with the next time he pays a visit,

you see, it was his, even if it was just for a little while.

I cant sleep. My sports bra feels too tight. My hair feels tacky. My lips feel dry. My skin feels yucky. Im tired but bored.

Did you lose weight in hopes
you'd lose the guilt of the shame you made me gain?

I miss looking at the world
with rose-colored glasses,
it seems that I can't figure out
where I placed them.

You were no sunshine
in a golden hour,
but you did blind me
from every golden thing

I was prepared for the classic
shoulder devil and angel
pulling me in different directions,
but nobody prepared me for
a guardian angel act from a devious devil,
pulling me into something I didn't sign up for.

A little love
goes a long way

Sometimes I feel like you
seem to forget
that we're on the same team,

and where love lies,
egos die.

I promise myself peace and serenity,
yet I strike at the first glance of a storm,

I think I know who I am,
but then doubt enters my heart
at the first introduction of confusion,

I prepare myself for the worst,
forgetting that good even exists,
like an infant,
believing that the sun has really disappeared
when it's just hiding behind a cloud

i confused
honey-dipped words
for unconditional love,

possessiveness
for protectiveness,

holding me back
for wanting me close, (as holding me close)

infatuation
for adoration,

and desire for devotion.

love me
like you really see me,
like you really need me,
like it's the only thing you were meant to do.

I look for beauty
even when it's dripping
in the corner of an alley
filled with all the monsters
underneath my bed
and inside my head.

I loved you

through the bitter

and you loved me

through the sweet

Pain's secret weapon
is numbing you
just enough
to barely be able to
feel anything,

taking away your rights to feel,
making you

pain's secret weapon

Pain is pro-abortion,

pain's secret weapon

I looked
at my heart
asking it,

how is it possible
that I can love again?

and my heart's
only response
was a beat,

turns out that
all along
I had been breaking
because I was still alive,
my body was fighting
for me,
even when it felt
like I was dying.

I can't seem to
remember
how it felt
to spend
243 endless
days with you,

I guess that's
the best example (metaphor)
of dissociation
during trauma.

woke up
on a decision
that the day is
finally here,

today is the day
I take over this
body of mine,

today I make the decisions,
today I draw the line,
today I live the moment,
today I manifest my
aesthetic into a lifestyle,

today I will act
like the main character
I am in this
story of mine,

and that's that.

You messed up my heart,
and yet when I look at it,
it's such a beautiful mess.

am I the love of your life
or am I one that qualifies
for your love in this life?

You haunt me in my dreams
and you’re always in them
rejecting me
and i’m there loving you
harder and harder
like I always have been

I don't miss you, and that scary

you love me
like I loved him,
and he loved me
... never.

Little did I know
that you are
the rainbow
at the end
of every
single
storm.

Would you believe me,
if I had told you
I feel colors form
when you
gently hold
onto my pain
for me,
even for a bit,

delicate
just like
gold flakes,

filled with
an iridescent
sapphire,

so sweet,
honey-glazed donut
instead of a heart,

even a glimpse
of your sunshine

is enough
to keep souls
warm for an entire winter season.

remember
that having weaknesses is not wrong,
but letting them carry your life for you is.

I had forgotten
that it only hurt
because I loved
you more than
you deserved
and more than
I should have.

never felt shame
travel up my spine
up until we shared
a secret and no longer
shared love for each other.

I was never introduced
to the feeling of shame
until a man knew
of a secret of mine

the hardest to forget
are the little things that
made loving you worthwhile,
that well put pun you once made,
the way you hugged me from behind
infront of a never ending pond,
the first time i felt comfortable enough to
take a picture on your phone,
your voice first thing in the morning,
your love as the last thought on my mind at night,
my fingers jamming to the beat of your music on top of your arm,
the sound of your breath on a cold night,
my eyes exploring your face, every time
the way the nickname you gave me echos in my ears,
the way you never could love me gently,

i think of you
and the way you
stopped me before we entered
any place, just to hold me up and kiss me

you broke me
until your insecurity screamed, "Ah, see, imperfections!",
because only then you could love me,
even loved me more than
the way you hung on your trauma,
even when i had all the right remedies for your pain

it seems that i gave you happiness,
all of it,
all of the happiness in the world,

even the little bit that belonged to me..

living in the moment
lasts for the moment,

loving myself
requires living every single moment

the stages of grieve
feel like they
are taking the entirety of my life