I saw your message.
I was there for you when you were feeling down and now you feel obliged to be here for me.
Don't.
I helped you because I cared.
I know you care too but,
I don't need your help.
I don't need anyone's help.
I really appreciate your concern.
But,
if you help me,
you'll remind me of her.
She helped me and then,
she stabbed me in the back.
You're a nice girl.
You're one of the few who care.
I don't want you to remind of her.
For then,
I will be afraid of losing you in the worst way possible.
I really regret lying to you when you asked me if I was okay.
However,
I had no choice.
Mainly because I don't want your help.
I hate it when people pity me.
I feel weak and I may be anything but,
I'm most definitely not weak.
I refuse to be weak.
even if I have to pretend,
I will be strong.
After everything that has happened to me and I know that's not much compared to other but,
I refused to be pitied.
The only one who is allowed to pity me is that one girl who stuck with me through EVERYTHING and we aren't even close.
She's a nice girl too.
I love you,
really but I refuse to be weak.
I will be strong no matter what.
You're a good person, but some things,
I have to deal with on my own.
By the way,
I'm not fine and I'll never be fine, at least, for the foreseeable future.
I'm bent.
I was broken but I fixed myself.
I guess that makes me fine but,
I'm not as fine as before.

Life is my torture,
and death,
my salvation.

Can you hear my silent screams?
Can you see the pain in my eyes?
Can you see the way my shoulders slump forward?
Do you see the invisible tears?
Do you feel the waves of my anger?
Do you love me for who I am?
Can you love me for who I am?
For what I've become?
For what I will be?
Can you see past my flaws?
Do you know I'm broken?
Can you fix me?


YOU CAN'T


*you won't

1) empty bottles that clink as you wade through them. you drown in an ever-increasing pool of bottles

2) puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. i want to pour coloured powder on her cheeks. i want to trace every single stream

3) eardrum rupturing music. he screams along to it. they become indistinguishable from the music. he enjoys being a part of something.

4) a lone figure next to a lake. they hug their legs. nothing moves. everything is completely still. if you listen closely, you can hear their heart shattering into the tiniest fragments. they try to keep it together. an internal war rages. but nothing moves.

5) the buzzing. hair falling to the ground. a blank stare and tiny smile

6) you are a tiny dark speck, against the looming white landscape.

7) the lingering taste of coffee. a lit cigarette dangling from between fingers. flecks of ash fall to the ground.

8) submerged into the deepdarkbluebutmaybeblack ocean. everything is dulled.

9) a neatly folded stack of clothes in a washing machine.

10) putting your fingers in between your legs. you are in front of a mirror. you watch yourself

11) a body falling apart into several meat-sized chunks. they are stapled back together.

12) clay masks.

13) lose strands of hair tied together in a trash can

14) refusing to follow the rules.

I want to punch everyone And break everything but the words come tumbling out of my mouth so I write I write till my hands shakes and my face is red and tear stained from all the emotion but I write and I do not care because i need to get it out i need to breathe but i don't want to cut and I know when I need you most you won't be there

And no i am not okay I never will be okay depression is here to stay and i can't control my hands as i am typing this i have just lost all control and it is like a volcano erupting inside of i have lost it i don't know what to do i cant do anything AND I AM SCREAMING CAN YOU HEAR ME OVER YOU LAUGHTER AND YOU TAUBTS DO YOU NOT CARE I LAUGH AND PRETEND THAT WHAT YOU SAY IS OKAY BUT IT REALLY IS NOT ABD I JUST NEED YOU TO stop. Just stop and leave me alone.

An i know you ghink i am writjng these blurbs for attention but you do not know what i need to get out what i have been containing and itsalljumbledupandidobtknowwhattodoanymorebecausefuckthatijudtean­tobeokay but YOU DON'T CARE and I shout till my voice is hoarse but you don't hear and I don't know what to say or do but what the **** man you don't give a **** so why am i typing this i don't know i lost it and i sit here with tears running down my face and all i have to asm you is why

My teacher told me,
leaders are Alphas.
A pack chooses an Alpha not based on size but,
based on it's ability to care for the pack.
He said we, the leaders, were chosen as Alphas.
Then, he said something that moved me.
He said  that there would always be insecure Betas who are jealous of you.
That's when the bullying starts.
Now I know why you hurt me.
I'm an Alpha and you, an insecure Beta.

I've lost it.
I'm tired of being the imperfect daughter.
I'm tired.
I'm sorry I can't be her.
I hate that I'm not smart like her.
That I'm not perfect like her.
But I hate that I don't have your more.
You have driven me to this point.
With all your insults.

how do you explain the hollowness you feel within?
how do you tell people that you feel empty, like someone scooped everything out of your soul
how do you fake a smile and talk real loud so that you drown out the demons within
whispering, taunting, urging oh go on, it's only too easy to...
how do you say you're fine while hoping, praying someone will look into your eyes and say 'No, you're not.'
how do you cry yourself to sleep every night and go to school with a pre-planned smile, yes I'm fine just really tired, math tutorials make me want to **** myself
and they smile knowingly because they understand
but if only they knew just how true that statement is.
if only they knew how you stared out of the window, knowing that there is nothing that could possibly hold you back from leaping over the edge and soaring, spiraling down to your reprieve from this hell, this flesh prison to which you are bound.
if only they knew how many times you held that bottle of pills in your hand, knowing that if you counted out 27 pills and downed them all at once, your oh so tired heart would slowly slow down and eventually stop, sending you into a peaceful slumber .

if only they knew that some people were born to die,
and that's okay.

I bet you think that the boy at Kindergarten will be your biggest problem. The only one in class who doesn't seem to like you. 10 years down the road and you'll realise that you were lucky to have friends at all. You love Math. I bet you never expected to cry yourself to sleep every night when you were 15. No, you thought you'd be popular and happy. You never thought that you wished you were dead  You never thought that you'd hate your body. You never thought that you'd have no friends but, **** happens, right? You have no friends. No one likes you. You feel like puking every time you look in the mirror. You know hate Math because it is more structured than your thoughts. You will wonder how you went from a girl full of love and hope to a girl full of hate and tears. But **** happens. And the way things are looking now, it's only going to get worse.

I bit down on my lip,hard.
I drew blood.
The anxiety.
I needed to talk to you.
I was confused.
I was lost.
I needed you to explain it all to me.
I tried to talk to you before.
However you said you did not want to hear my voice again.
I'm sorry for annoying you but I need to know the answer.
The answer to all the problems.
Cautiously,
I raised up my hand to ask you about the solution to the Math question.

Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?

People sometimes ask me why I study so hard.
The question always stumped me.
Why do I study so hard?
Why do I stay up till the wee hours of the morning to study?
Then, I realised.
I don't have looks.
I don't have a good body.
I don't even have a good personality!
All I had was my brain, and my words.
Knowing this pushes me to study harder so that I won't be left behind.
Maybe I just want to belong.
I mean, each clique has it's distinctive trait which unites a group of people.
The good-looking (and typically popular people) group together.
The outgoing ones group together.
The athletically inclined ones group together(and they run in every single marathon that they can.)
I don't fit in any of those.
I can only hope that by studying hard, I will not only get good grades and a sense of accomplishment and pride but,
that I'll belong.
And that's all that I've ever wanted.

It was the last day of school yesterday.
Once again you shot me a fake smile and handed me a note,
doused in your cheap perfume.
I opened it to see your innocent looking handwriting,
only now, it looks like blood stains.
How could I have not noticed the vicious monster in you?
In your note you mentioned how close a friend I was to you.
Was I close to you?
Is this what I get for helping you?
I comforted you every single time you cried and now,
I'm the one crying but you're not there to comfort me.
In fact you're the cause of my tears.
Maybe it's because I got too close to you.
Maybe that's why you betrayed me like this.

i've never been one of you
let's face it
maybe it was he way i did not laugh at your insensitive jokes
or the way that i was not as cool as the others
i've always given more and more and more of myself
never got anything in return
and
truth be told
i've always secretly resented you for it
i've always hated hated hated hated hated you for it
the bubbling bitterness at the base of my stomach
like bile
burning rising
i choke it down
and say hi babe thank you for being such a great friend
the words leave a bad taste in my mouth.
the worst part?
by hiding these true feelings of mine
and being so incredibly fake
i'm just as bad as you are
maybe we truly do deserve each other

when i saw you the first time
you took my breath away
eyes that shone full of life and hope and warmth
and you smiled and said hi
and i
crumbled
because your smile made my heart race and calmed me at the same time
and
i smiled back and then i knew that i could never have you
i knew you would never want me back and I tried to stop falling
but
i tripped over the smooth and velvety sound of your laughter and
fell
head first into 'like'
and I knew that you were too popular too smart and too good looking
but
we had to much in common and i had hope because you talked to me too and sometimes i'd catch you staring at me and we'd make eye contact and smile and i'd be breathless again and i hoped and i hoped and i hoped and then we talked and you said
that you wanted to date a nice girl from your religion
and
i fell apart
i knew we'd never be together but
i'd never thought it would be because of a man made construct such as religion and
my heart shattered into a million pieces
because there is nothing i can do to get you back
the bright-eyed boy who radiated hope rendered me hopeless
and i still loved it

Ahh.
I see you 'blocked' me.
Am I supposed to be hurt?
It just proves that I've affected you.
That I've gotten under your nerves.
I think I have the right to watch you burn
after what you have done to me.
I treated you like a sister,
you stabbed me in the back.
You fake *b---ch

Boring lesson.
Droopy eyes.
Monotonous voice.
No motivation to study.
Useless subject,
I'll never use in real life.
*yawn

Taken from Sara Bareilles' song called 'Brave'. I don't claim to own any part of the song but I just really like these few lines.

" Say what you wanna say,
and let the words pour out.
I wanna see.
I wanna see you be brave!"

You broke me
I stood there, tears running down my face
The hurt in my eyes, you could not see
I stood in my place
A dream I once thought could be
But you left in such haste
You broke me
The world cup I never won.

I'm crumbling to billions of pieces.
Shards of glass.
I try to gather them.
Every time I manage to do so,
someone comes and knock them out of my hands again.
How much longer can I take the grueling task of picking myself up?
One day,
I'll just give up.
I'll just fade away.
No one will care.
For I'm a broken girl left in despair.

you did not see me crumblin
                                                    g
under the weight of my thoughts
you did not see the tear slip down,
rolling down my cheek

maybe you did not care.
maybe i'm tired of always being the second choice
maybe i want to feel important and loved and worthy
and maybe you can't do that for me
and maybe that's okay
i've lived my entire life like this,
what's a while more?

thank you for being there during all the good times,
they were few and far in between but
you were there i guess.
you were always there.

just never when i needed you most

On the outside,
I smile may be frozen.
On the inside,
I'm crumbling.
Like pastry.
No way to fix me.
It feels like all the weights are being thrown on my shoulders.
There's only so much weight my shoulders can carry.

You can feel the tears pooling at the rim of your eyes they say that the eyes are the windows to your soul and my soul is over flowing and it spilling out for everyone to see my raw emotions for you to dissect and make assumptions and nod your head in fake understanding you can never begin to understand my soul and you never will my body is a vessel and my soul fills it to the brim a small trigger sends ripples down my spine and it sends my soul pouring over the edge escaping though any means; tears flowing down my cheeks a lump of emotions forming in the centre of my throat that I cannot stop i feel it rising and rising and finally it escapes as steam would from a kettle as a scream and i bring my hands to my face and my knees buckle under the weight of my overflowing soul and I lose the will to fight it i just let it flow until I am weak and tired and then  with red eyes raw from the weight of the emotions that came pouring from them and a ****** throat i stand up and grab a tissue fake a smile and wipe those tears away clear my throat drink some water smile again it's fine i'm fine no big deal shhh everything is normal i push myself further back into myself and i can feel the pressure start to build again like a ticking time bomb counting down to the next time i lose control and let my soul overflow

I've been blessed with the curse of loving you.

Young blood
Old soul
In pieces
Awaiting death
Come soon

A question that lingers on my mind is,
What is death?
Can it be considered a salvation?
Escape from this earth?
Or is it a curse,
bringing us to a worse place?
Is there even heaven and hell?
Where did we come from.
If your answer is evolution or, any other theory,
where do we go after we die?
Do we hang around in the timeless boundaries of nothingness?
Or is there something else waiting for us.
I guess I'll find out when I die,
but, by then,
It'll be too late.

i have gotten so good at pretending that everything is okay that it is second nature to me now. with a straight face I will tell you that I'm fine and with a relieved smile you'll say great and we'll go our separate ways and at night i will cry everything away and i night my demons come out to play my mind is their playground and oh my how much fun they have they plunder and pillage all the happiness I once had

There are demons within me.
They appear every now and then.
I'm not gonna lie.
Sometimes,
these demons convince me to **** myself.
And yes, I have considered suicide.
I thought long and ******* the matter and I decided that it was not worth it.
Why should I end my life over this rough patch?
Then, I ask myself,
Is this just a rough patch?
People say it's part of puberty.
Part of being a teenager.
Why are my demons in control for so long?
Why does only puberty have the ability to make my demons torture me?
What if, it's myself?
What if, I'm my own demon.

Do you ever feel like screaming and screaming and then just giving up and surrendering you body to the forces of nature because you can't carry on and every breath you take hurts it burns and you can't get rid of it you are suffocating you are dying and
No
One
Cares

Everything,
blown out of proportion.
Is not being able to print something a reason for you to cry?
Does it allow you to shout at your mother?
You rude *****.
She does everything for you and you can't be appreciative.
She may irritate you to no end.
She irritates me too.
But, there is never a valid reason for you to shout at your mother.
Your mother.
The only person who'll love you unconditionally.
So, shut your mouth.
Have some respect and stop crying for every single thing.
*God!

I sat there and I wondered why I was not motivated,
Why I failed my tests,
why I was not doing as well as I hoped to be doing.
And then I realized,
all I was doing was sitting at a table and asking why and dreaming of going to the top schools in the nations and dreaming of getting straight As and dreaming of proved them all wrong and dreaming
Dreaming was all that I was doing.
What's the use of dreaming if you don't act upon your dreams?
You'll keep dreaming and life will go on without you.
You'll keep questioning and complaining about the education system but you won't realize that you don't do anything.
And then you wake up and it's April and you panic. Where did the past 3 months  go and you realize that you spent three months wasted in Dreamland, living a pretend life with your pretend As.
It was then I had an epiphany of sorts, in the mostly unlikely place,
a dingy car while half asleep joining the mad dash to school.
It was then I realized that I could change my future, and I could just do it.
I mean, I knew this fact all  along but I never fully understood it.
But in my groggy state and gloomy setting, I understood what it meant and I realized how easy it was to pick up my pen and choose to write that essay. I did not have to succumb to the voice within that told me to relax or watch videos.
I had a choice, I had a way.
How remarkable is that?

Life knows how to hit you in the most unexpected ways.
You may think you're getting better when actually,
you're just living in a deluded world.
You may think you fixed yourself when you're still broken and the pieces scattered around you.
Reality, pushed to the furthest corner of my mind.
I'm living in dreamland.
How am I to face reality,
an enraged beast,
trapped in there for many months.
How am I to face it when dreamland comes crashing down?

Drop it.
Yeah,
I made a mistake.
I'm only human.
If you made the same mistake and someone mentioned it even once,
you would become defensive and insulted.
With me, however, it seems to be different.
I am expected to listen to your insults and tolerate your nagging,
without losing my cool.
I can get angry too,
you know.
Sometimes,
I hate you for this reason.

Disappointment coursed through my veins.
Another failure.
Another time I wasn't good enough.
Why am I not good enough?
Why can't I score straight As?
How can others',
who don't study as hard as me,
score higher than me?
I always tell myself to study harder.
And, I do!
Then, I get another failure.
I wallow in self-pity.
Why can't I change?
Each failure kills me from inside.
Chip by chip.
Piece by piece.
Excruciating pain.

You try to bring me down
you never will.
You think you can restrain me,
Chain me,
Lock me down,
You never will.

I won’t listen,
Not now, not ever,
I won’t listen.
I just won’t.
No matter how hard you try,
You will never take me down.

Up up up,
to the top, I’ll rise
At rock bottom,
You’ll see your demise.

With razor sharp words, you take your aim,
But your strikes, they miss,
Missed by a long shot.  
Thanks for trying.
you’ll never take me down.

Rainbows    Sunshine    Ponies
Dark    Cold    Demons

Rain­bows  Sunshine  Ponies
Dark  Cold  Demons

RainbowsSunshine­Ponies
DarkColdDemons

Heaven
and
Hell.
Closing in on me.
DARKCOLDDEMONS


**Emptiness; A collision of opposites

The second I stepped out of the exam hall,
I felt the stress lifted off my shoulders,
only to be replaced with the stress of worrying if I will pass,
or not.

Exams in 11 days.
Just the week after tomorrow.
It still feels like it's months away.

You may think it's funny.
Plain teasing.
Just girls having fun but you don't know.
You don't know what I've struggled with.
You weren't there all those nights when I cried myself to sleep because I was not thin like them.
All the times I would skip meals and tell my mom I had eaten elsewhere.
All the times I survived on water for the whole day.
All the times I came this close to sticking a finger down my throat and emptying the contents in my stomach.
It took me so long to feel okay and comfortable with myself.
Until you said that word.
It's funny how one word could have such an impact on me but you don't know my struggle.
When I got home after that, all I could see in the mirror was fats.
I had begun to determine my self worth by my calorie intake and the size of my waist.
I hated myself once again.

Father, you've made me cry.
Father, you've made my sister cry.
Father, you've made my mother cry.
Father you've hit me for no reason.
Father you've hit my sister for no reason.
Father you've hit my mother.
Father you are a control freak.
Father you've broken countless plates.
Father you've broken a fan.
Father you've literally torn the house apart.
Father you are unreasonable.
Father you shout unneccesarily.
Father you have anger issues (you broke your sister's jaw)
Father you've never been involved in my life.
Father you've never cared for me.
Father you've never told me that you loved me.
Father my life would be better without you.
So father, you can *******.

I feel much better today.
Today,
I don't feel sad.
I don't feel alone.
I don't feel the emptiness in my soul.
Today I feel fixed.
It can't be!
Can it?
What does it feel like to be fixed?
Then this question popped into my head.
Do I want to be fixed?
Of course I do!
It's a ridiculous question.
I try repeating that over and over in my head but,
I don't manage to convince myself.

I live in my fantasy world.
It is a place where all the characters in the books I have read can come to life.
They become my friends.
They don't lie,
they aren't fake.
Sometimes,
I stay in this world for too long.
I lose sense of what is real and what isn't.
I seem to think that I become a fictional character.
Of course,
that would be ideal.
I wouldn't have to lie.
Even the villains in books don't lie.
They openly hate the heroes.
In real life,
they'll talk behind your back,
they will make your life hell.
I wish I could be a fictional character.
I never will be.
I can't.
I'm always brought back to reality.
If insanity is what can liberate me from this,
then I'll gladly lose my sanity to live in my world of fictional characters.

Stop bringing me into your fight!
Both of you are my friends and I love you equally.
I would get you to stop fighting but I can't.
So I'll remain neutral (like Switzerland)
and pray that you stop fighting so that I can
talk to both of you again without being accused of siding another party.

Maybe I can fix myself.
Maybe there really is light in this dark tunnel.
Maybe one day I can feel loved again.
Maybe one day I can be loved.
Maybe one day I'll stop feeling worthless.
Maybe one day I'll feel comfortable in my own skin.
Maybe one day I'll fix myself.
Maybe
Just Maybe.

i feel weird again i lament
i feel mortal
i am aware of my mortality
for a split second i feel
strange
i feel like flesh and bones
no soul just muscles that could rip and tear and shred and be broken and
death
i could die
for a second i have a heightened awareness of this fact
and it feels
strange
my tongue starts to tingle
mortality
i feel my body decay from within
i feel like dying
my heart feels weird
it feels like t is burdensome to continue beating.
it feels heavy
if that is even possible
i just don't know what is real and what i feel
i am confused and lost and i clutch my chest
feel the warmth
i'm still alive right
and i just don't
i just can't
i simply don't know how to explain what I feel
i just feel like flesh and bones and nothing more.

I'm trying forget you.
It's not as easy as it seems.
Your face,
embedded in my mind.
The memories we share.
I don't know what went wrong.
I don't know anything.
I do know one thing.
If you ever apologise,
I'll run back into your arms like the fool I am.
I'll run back only to get hurt again.
I'll run back.

in a room full of my friends
and yet
i am all alone
and  i am so tired of feeling this way
this constant sense of inadequacy
constant need to prove my worth
**** it
i don't owe you anything
i don't owe you an explanation
i don't owe you evidence of how 'cool' i am
******* for thinking that way and honestly just *******
I'm tired of caring so much for people who can't even summon up a **** to give about me.
i am just so tired and exhausted of this constant marathon that is school and the constant race to be the most popular or the hottest or the smartest
i don't even care if my crush likes me back
i just want to be free from expectations and worries
free to live life the way i want to without fear of judgement and just free
from you.