Things I like nowadays
are: one, the way you look at me when I laugh non-stop.
You would tell me to stop or,
"What is so funny?" or "It's not that funny"
But you dare to stare at me and smile.
two, the way you stop me from running away when I am *******
but fail epically
three, the way you chase me when I successfully get out of your hold when you stop me from running away
four, the way you say 'I love you'
five, the things you say that made me smile
six, the comfort I feel when you hold my hand
seven, the way you suddenly call me to say 'I miss you';
eight, nine, ten to infinity; there is a lot of things that I like nowadays.

But there are things I hate nowadays
one, the worries I have thinking of us
two, my tears
three, the way I always forgive you easily
four, your bad habits;
thankfully it does not reach infinity.

She is seventeen

She heard his wish - the boy who wished upon her at the balcony. She heard his worries. About how he is worried of not passing his examination, about the way his parents treat him and about the way his heart never settles since the day he left his significant other.
                             "Was it my fault?"
He asked as he buried his head in his palms and stare at the falling stars on that one lucky night. A moment there he felt like the star answered him. A moment there he felt the star is looking at him in hopes he feels the magical feeling she is feeling now that she is seventeen. The magical feeling she felt and how she is too naive that she fell at first sight on the boy who told him his worries. She fell to the earth of her feelings.

She is seventeen.

Was it really hope? Did she really fell in love with hope? Or was it still the boy on that balcony? She felt the presence of faith and she knew faith was always right. By the time she really fell head over heels on hope, faith brought a friend.
     Trust.
Was she strong enough to trust?
Was she strong enough to have faith in her hopes.
                                   Yet she still has hopes on waking up the next day with faith by her side and trust in her heart.
        So, how does it feels to really felt right?
                         How does it feels to have the feelings at the right places?

She is seventeen.

"Do I really want to stay like this forever?" She asked herself.
               To have no worries and be a child at heart and out. To escape the reality when she really need reality to escape the magical feelings.
Did she really took Peterpan's hand and flew to Neverland and never came back?
                                     Did the sleeping pills worked?
When the clock strikes 6, and the morning came, her mom at her door knocks on thrice.
                                "Jane, wake up." With a voice as soft as the feelings of her comforters that surrounds her body.
                                                           ­             "In a minute."
She took his hand and flew to Neverland but once she saw the mermaids in Mermaid Lagoon, she swam and fell in love with water. She sat on a rock and hold Peter's hand and again she felt those magical feelings again. She kissed Peter's cheek and told him,
                                                            ­   "I need to escape this magical feelings."
And so she woke up on her bed.

She is seventeen.

Forgiving was hard.
           Forgetting was harder.
Yet, those words seems so easy for her now.
                                              The magical feelings that has long gone, made it harder.
She swam through life and sometimes she would choke on the water and stop. But she knows the ocean is big and she never stopped swimming. She met the dolphins and fishes, she even met a few big waves. But she knows there will be a boat right behind her to save her when she's drowning.
        Sometimes she felt it is stupid for her to not sculpt her life before doing anything but she loves the water ever since the Mermaid Lagoon so she continues what she loves. Sometimes she feels someone looking upon her like the boy at the balcony who told her his worries. She felt the pixie dust who tried to help her bit by bit; trying to let her fly and skip the horrendous waves.
                                                          ­Sometimes she used it
                                                              ­      Sometimes she told him no and she swam again.

She is seventeen.

Yet she danced on Jupiter, hopped on the rings of Saturn, fell in love at first sight, went to Neverland, met the mermaids, her first love was someone who never want to grow up, and she swam the oceans. *Was she still a beautiful aurora?

I still remember the day you walked into my life. It was lightly raining and the sun was just starting to come out, but it was still dark and gloomy. It's funny how the moment I see that geeky-looking kind of guy, I never thought I'd be so in love with him till today. It's frustrating that I can't re-live that moment, but I'm happy that I've met you.*

But, all of this jealousy seeing you with her, daydreaming and running away from life, it's not healthy for me. I am very sure that I love you as I keep on giving excuses for all the pain you've caused me. I still think of your feelings after all the pain. I was ready to be there for you even after ending things. This isn't healthy for me, I know, but I can't help it when it comes to you.

Their heartbeat does not define love
Their eyes do not define love
Their smile does not define love
Their presence does not define love.

What does define love is
Their actions - do they dare to leave something just for you?
Their sacrifices - do they dare to take chances eventhough the chances of both of you to last is unpredictable?

Love is when you do anything in the moment although you could not control fate.
Love is when you take that leap of faith and risk something.
Love is when you feel it is worth it to let them take something from you.
Love is when you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

I still knock even though I know the place is empty
So I walked in and saw the emptiness
I listened to emptiness
Reminisce
"Till the sand is on the other side."

                                                         ­   "One last time."

I collect all the memories we scattered around the room
I hear every sweet words of forever in the room
I feel the love we had

"When this ends..."
                    
                                             "Letting go would be easier."

To let go,
Or to be let go
Which hurts more?
Who had the stronger heart?
Who  had the bigger ego?
Who loved more?

"It's not bad...to be alone."
                                            
                                                   "I can still hold it in."

My eyes are wet
I could remember everything
Your screams
The sound of me when I cry
The sound of me letting go.


                                                     Time's up.

**"But..."
                              
               ­                                                                 ­              "I still love you."

Tell the person you love how you love the moving moon in a car ride
Insist on telling that the Sun is glaring at you too much
Make them listen how important drinking a cup of tea in the morning is
Emblaze the world with your charm  
Let the things you kept to yourself be free
Embody to them that you can be fun, but
At the same time be as sensitive you could
Vexed them with your hidden side
Insert charming words and leave an impact to them
Next thing you know, they will never find a person like you
Get them work up with your hidden self
Unveil them the real you and tell them
Stereotypes are not fun.

Spend your weekdays with assignment,
Homeworks,
Stress,
A bit of fun,
A time with your friends,
A time to stare at your crush,
Keep it real.

On Saturday morning,
Wake up in your bed,
No way you would get up early,
Have breakfast in bed,
Read some books,
Write something,
Go for morning walks,
Watch the sunset,
Make some time for a dinner with your parents,
Hang out with your friends.

Just give life a little meaning even if you're alone in it.

"Does the right guy at the wrong time will ever get their chance again?"

I recently reconnected with a friend of mine, and it went great
and soon my close friends asked me
what if he's the right guy?
and for a moment i kept quiet just thinking about him
we failed before, and now that we've reconnected being friends again,
what if he's just the right guy but at the wrong time?
the old me would've fantasize about it so much,
but right now, all i'm thinking is whether right now
is the right time
to be thinking of love.

so the question now is:

is it the right time to finally accept the right guy?

I thought of anything that could **** me
Hate,
Love,
Pressure,
Trust,
Friends,
Maybe everything.
Maybe it won't **** me in weeks to come
Maybe one year,
Two years or more
Maybe never,
You won't know, right?

The first time I knew about love, no one told me that it would be painful. The first time I had a feeling for someone, I kept it all in my heart, thinking that he will get the message. Instead, it is all locked up in the tiny little space.

But no one told me that someone is holding the key to my heart.

No one told me that someone could unlock it, releasing all my feelings kept inside and replace it with his own.

The first time a guy ever unlocked my heart, it took time. It first starts out with a mere seed thrown inside my heart but everyday he would shower it with love until it turns into a flower - a prove of the blooming of our love.

But no one told me the flower could die.

The first time the flower starts to wilt, I tried so hard to gain some love from him. But in the end it keeps on wilting and wilting, until it is hard to even save it. When hatred start to fill up my unlocked heart, it was too heavy, my tears fell. Until one day, he came, locked my heart and never come again. The hatred starts to grow and grow until my heart cracked.

No one told me that the person who holds a part of me could easily throw you away.

But now that he had come back, trying to unlock my heart again, will I let him? Can a flower grow back? Would I even let him come near me, embrace my heart and unlocks it again?

*No one told me, that love is a cruel thing.

You are the sun that warms my heart,
Lighten my day.

You are the moon,
The prove of the Sun’s love to the moon.

You are the star,
I could not help but stare all night.

But you are the Sun,
Blinding me whenever I see you,
Giving me hope.

But you are the moon,
You left me for someone,
When the day comes.

But you are the star,
Another version of the Sun,
Blinking at me,
Showing me some signal,
But all you did was stand there.

On days I feel like giving up
I would pack up my things
And bring some money
To see the world.

Sometimes it's the park right around the corner,
Or the park in another town,
Or the beach at my hometown,
Or away to the another country
Just to feel like a new person.

No worries,
No problems,
Nothing to think of
Besides my rest.

But,
Does it really work?

Or

Am I just running away from it,
Thinking that if I go on this escape
I'll find a way
But usually
It is just a break.

To make someone smile while reading what you write is always an achievement to me. I love to play with words and to be able to write and let the readers relate to it and learn from it is satisfying.

But, why does it not work in real life when talking?

I have 99 problems and having to be stuck in my thoughts and letting people down because I could not help them with their problems just made me guilty.

Am I not a good friend because of this?

I tried, but I can't.

Because most of the time, I have not been tested. I have not taste the taste of defeat, the taste of depression, the taste of feeling like your soul want to break free from the confine place and the taste of not knowing what to feel.

I have not felt how it is like to just sit and you do not know what to feel. You want to scream and break alk thing and cry and just release everything out but it just would not escape and you end up hurting yourself.

I have not felt how it is like to run away from an explaination.

I feel like I am not loved for not being tested with all these challenges.

I want to be able to relate those pain, and help them with my words but all I do is lend a shoulder to cry, a hug to be shared because that is all I could offer.

When the time stops,
            I would remember every inch of you. The way your eyes meets mine, the way your cheeks rise and the way your eyes squint when you smile - how could I forget it? Especially your smile. It just lift the whole burden in me when you smile. That Tuesday night when I talked to you, and everything seems right when you comforted me.

When the time stops,
           I would still see you in my dreams. I would still remember that day I met you, or the day I meet you after months apart. That table at the corner where we always sit, I would go there once in a while when I miss you. Sometimes it is a cup of tea, or a cup of coffee if I have not taste one in a while, but it is always a cup of tea that is on the table. Because it is always coffee for you and tea for me. That book you always read to me once in a while, I found a copy of it. But it never felt the same as when you read it for me. I am like a kid waiting for their mom to read their bedtime stories, you once said. How could I forget that - especially the view of you just staring at me with love.

When the time stops,
           I would, *******, miss you. I would miss your laugh - even though my jokes are  not that funny. The way you show your teeth when laughing, I will miss those. Sometimes you chuckle when I furrow my brows. Sometimes you laughed at how easily I get bored. Now, tell me how can I forget those?

But now that time stops,
           *Would I be able to do those?

it doesn't have to be him
so, get up
wipe your tears
and man the **** up.
it doesn't have to be him

i was proved wrong.

Remember when I said sorry,
And when you said sorry,
And we say we will forgive and forget,
And to not involve each other in each other's life?

Well,
Lies.

Lies,
Too many lies.

There is too many hate in your small ***** in between the lungs that apparently helps you live
But those lungs inhale hatred
And love you think people really mean it
After it enters into your lungs
It flows in your blood,
And into every part of your body
That causes every action you did that you think people would accept you for who you are because you think you're "loveable"
Then it enters your lung and into the atmosphere
And that is when you start to say things
Things which half of it is not true.

Tell the world how a disgrace I am
And I shall tell what I think of you.

Now tell me,
From the deepest part of your heart
The place that is sacred and never been touched
Because I know that place exist
Because I know not every devil is a devil from the start,
Tell me,
Was it worth it?
Do you feel loved?

When you die
Or on the line  between death and alive
They say you could see your life in those minutes
or hours you had your eyes close
You watched how you learnt to walk,
learnt to talk,
in school,
your first love,
your first heartbreak,
the first of everything,
and everything that made you smile
and cry
every spices that spiced up your life.

Every second you go through this
The urge to return to the time and turn back things
and do the other option
Grows stronger.

When you finished all your past
Here you are in the present.
You see your lifeless body
On the bed
The tears that escaped from the eyes who cared
And the truth behind the masks of people who you thought cared
Will this memory stays if you survive?

Going to the future
You witness your future if you survived
you see all the possibilities if you were there
on earth
And you would plead to God to wake you up from this dream
Open your eyes
and you shall live those days again
Let yourself suffer for awhile
and taste the sweetness of happiness.

In every minute and every second
The bad dreams would not stop
All you want was for God to stop it
and wake you up
Every minutes of your life
Flashes before your eyes
The years you went through
Passed by
During the hours you stood in between death and alive
and when God answers your prayer
you woke up
with hopes
And from there you had faith to cherish your life.

Even though the shore hates getting wet
The waves would not stop throwing water
Because the waves know what the shore could hold
And so does God
The sadness and the problems you are given
The obstacles you have to go through
Are only tests to see if you're ready
Ready to face the never-ending happiness
In the future.

Do you know the feeling of
Looking at a person and you just feel disappointment?
You want to deny
But all you could feel is saying
"How could you?"
All you do is choke on every word you want to let go
Because you want to say the right words
But you just can't feel disappointed in them.
You want to believe they did not did it
But you can't.
Because you trusted them so much.

You want to cry
And scream at them
You want to ask them why did they did it
But you still want to keep the thoughts of them being perfect.

I feel it everyday
Watching the people I love
And care
But they just turn a blind eye
Because they think what they did was right.

I tend to leave things
Leave things as it is.

Like that guy I like a year ago
I never expressed my feelings.

The books that I promised to write in it
Few pages were filled
Then,
It is there for most of the time a few pages filled.

The book that I promised to read
I only get to read a few pages.

These feelings of hatred?
I left it there in my heart and never touched it again.

The worries I have in my mind?
Never did anything to make those worries gone.

You see,
I'm afraid of commitment.
Afraid that things would not go as planned
Afraid that people would not do the same thing to us
Afraid that things would just be a waste of time and energy
And

Afraid that people would not just give the same commitment to us.

The reasons are always even with a twist of words.

I tend to leave things as they are because I'm afraid of changes that I would not settle down for.

"I feel like I'm going to break his heart."*

"He broke yours"

I used to think that I only write when I’m sad or heartbroken.
It makes me think that I only love sadness.
Every time I’m happy, I didn’t have anything to say, but when I’m sad - I’ve got million of words flowing through my mind.
I’ve learnt to just accept it; to write only when I’m sad.
I’ve learnt it’s my coping mechanism.

I love him. I care about him more than anything in this world.
At some point, I thought that he was my forever. Except two years later, I didn’t feel happy.
No, scratch that, I’ve been unhappy for awhile.
I have only been prolonging the break up.
He was perfect; a perfect gentleman. Although he has his cons, he was a great man.
I was his first love. The man have never dated anyone before. I used to think I was lucky.
He always makes sure that I’m happy, and never sad. He tries to cheer me up with his dumb jokes.
He always stayed positive even if we were 700km away, separated by the sea.
He had faith in me. He had faith in us. That made me stayed. That made me love him.

But he was also naive. He didn’t know how to really make me happy. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful; because I am grateful for his presence. He learns things on social media on how to make a girl happy. He tried hard to make me happy when we’re far away from each other. He bought me gifts, he always helped me.

But all I wanted was to be understood.

I tried explaining to him a lot of times. But sometimes, people do have a hard time understanding mental illness and I don’t blame him for that. I stopped making him understand about me. I still stood by his side; pushing him to be the best version of himself. I had no one but him in my lowest moments, and so I stayed for him. I fought hard for our relationship.

Until I couldn’t fight anymore.

I felt caring for him was tiring. I felt keeping it all inside was tiring. I felt like making him understand is tiring because he just never understands. He tried to help; or so he thought; but it was never a help. There were words that I’ve listened to a lot of times.

I didn’t want to be a burden to him anymore. I tried to hold on by reading our texts, trying to remember everything that we’ve been together. I tried to think of what our friends would’ve handled it. I thought about him. I thought of us.

But I never thought of me.
I realized I was holding on to the relationship because it was for him and other people.
I’m telling him soon that I’m leaving him.
I have always cared for him. He will always have a special place in my heart.

But I matter most.