Sometimes I think, I tend to think it's not worth it
All the dresses, all the pain, all the tears, all the strife, all the illusions,
delusions that will die.
The worst part of it is it's alive and dead at the same time.
You forgot you cannot make it in the city of lights?

You're shutting my mouth with love
And I feel different than I did
I see things blurry and a whole lot more clear
In a hurtful light but I am gonna fight
I see freedom, clean
I see my wounds, I see mayhem
(your love turned me upside down)
And in the amidst of this all
I do find peace.

I have to keep looking for it
Whatever it is

Because this quarantine
makes me feel so relaxed it's mad
Why do I need to flee? Flee like this
Why this feeling comes over me?
Flee from love, scared of the city lights

I have to keep looking for it
Whatever it is

He said, "you are no Tinder chick"
He said I will wait for you
He said I love you
He said "I had never felt this before"
He said, you wonderful disaster
He said, you're awesome
He said, I want to make you happy
He filled my head with beautiful birds
that died suddenly, slowly, unexplainably

His thick glasses sail away from me...

Maybe it's time to stop
this crazy spinning wheel
from spinning to the point of breaking
I'll go down not into my hole,
but inside what I've felt
because sinking never was an option
I'll do what I want
I'll go with my mad friends
and have a party all alone.

We are not an exclusive relationship
But it excludes us

So here I am, heart broken in hand
Pen in the other, let my thoughts run and fight
And I'll float on air, but no more thick, spacey air
I've been ****** a considerable part of my life
so I don't remember what it is like...

So I'll be it again
but never again the same
So goodbye, you liar
but I hope we can be friends.

Several orbits in my life
We all are different but under the same sign
We are trying to find a path
We are moving - avoiding disaster
but avoiding lack of action...
We all are changing - we are fighting
blossoming, blooming, getting to be something
We are rushing towards life
The suicidal approach, but the only way out...
or is it the other way around?

We are shaking, shaky our grounds
There has not been a better moment in our lives
Everything's moving! On fire!
Settling by vibrations
This time I'm not wrong - I'm merely moving on...
away from your spot, on my own.
but you are securing yourself
with tacks and nails...

Because
he, he's got a girl
And I've been with men
one of them broke my heart but that's okay
I'm dumping my past
I'm writing poems in my study hours

She, she was crippled yesterday
But now the light caresses her face
The medicated folks, the disabled ones
We are marching, in our own, too.

And he, he's moving somewhere
and he's not certain about that place
but it won't stop us from going there
whatever, wherever
that road leads...

And she's hidden in her cocoon
because she cannot kick out her blues
but she's part too of the struggle,
the movement!!

Everything's moving!

Maybe it's a turning point on this road
A calling I'm not listening to
But the calling's got your name
all over it, all over everything

This fire that got ignited
will go off without your care
And I will look at other men
but I need you to be there...

It's a tensiOn I can't reconcile
I fear the shutdown
Drowning again the way I did
I'm trapped in between!

I need your Kiss real bad
I feel the calling in the train
It's a faceless impulse...

Maybe I'm not listening
but your song fills the air I'm breathing

Where this leads  - I don't know
I know it's bound to end - going to end
Someday, we could not last
You'll get tired of my wounds and stuff
The road leads somewhere we don't know
We'll venture and go - like we were fearless
or gormless...

We are posting photos
and you're gone
We might be lost forever
if you want
now tension has shown its face
I feel a strange relief
a strange peace
in being here, alone,
with my family of the heart

and a strange pain
of losing you
you were helping me fight
my winter
but you fought too hard
you fought too hard

"This feeling is the byproduct of schizotypy, rituals, and doubts."
But there is a hint of truth, a hint of love...
the love we are trying hard to sustain...
Black and white, mixed in a strange grey.
As usual...
But still with a lot of contrast...
Black and white, crazy thoughts in the backyard of my mind.

DO YOU LOVE ME?
Do I love you?

Our love is dying slow
I'm going back hell, going back home...

Can you swallow my bitter pill with me?
Else, I cannot do it
I'll be good to you, I promise
But stay with me...

I love you despite myself
I cannot sustain a relationship well
The queen of broken hearts
Won't someone please tell me what's wrong

My mind has broken again
My mind always gets her way

Poetry and love
they do not lie so far
I tried to secure you with tacks and nails
But will we slip, sleep away?

But I do love your face
in my own sickly way
It's all I can do
offer you my own crumbs

*Everyone's advice
it's starting to make me ill.

do you have the key
to my cage
you might
but you must wait
keep waiting, keep waiting...

I am the girl in the cage
the golden cage
you opened all the windows
and some of the doors
and the key you hold
but it's not enough...

I am not my owner
I am not my owner

What do you know of life
the way I live it?

What do you know of us,
to open your mouth and talk? Like that.

What do you know about
Binds, bonds
How love goes and grows
You silly teenager, never fell in love!
You are older than I but you know not more.
You don’t know my mind, at all.
Neither his.
You make me shake. Stir up pain and doubt in me.

What do you know about life
and the aftermaths?
I read poems and you are not in them
I hear your words in no place.
What do you know about
love - that lovely disease
spreading through the body
and not your weekend flirts!
Life looks empty through these eyes.
Please interfere not with my heart.

These words cannot aspire to tell
the world contained inside my chest

What do you know about life
The way I live it?
The way we live it?
Shut up.

Why it took me so long to grow up?
While you were pouring yourself over beds
I was fighting demons with my head...

And if I find myself at a crossroad,
no one to turn to, no man's land
I still have my friend's hand
I still have the heat of those
who never go far
I'll go back...oh no, I will never go back!

Because
I do love you, I do love you
but I cannot fight my life
And your insistence
makes my heart pound
but not in a good way

And if I find myself at a crossroad,
without you, without him,
I don't have time to cry, because, oh,
this is life....

And if I find myself alone again
I've been here before
I've got a crutch, prosthetic legs
I've learnt a lot, that never wanes.

And if I find myself again alone
I won't spend my time in the Tinders of the world.
And if the cloth's about to tear,
let it tear down, tear us down
and go on, go on...

I'm prepared for the worst
and I'm standing strong

I get sad, I feel anxiety
on anything I interpret from you
I wallow in sadness
over anything you did or said
“It didn’t feel good, it didn’t feel right”
I drown in sadness
It’s becoming hoarding,
overspreading, excessive,
invasive
Growing everywhere,
anytime
Then you come again
You peace my mind
And I’m restored, until my next time.

Just friends
no lovers, no one else
An empty bed, a heart full
of the only thing, maybe...

Who's there when things go wrong
who else can you count on
My unstability, my shaky shaky feet
I cannot show you (they say)
you might run away from me...

Friends before anything else
No exes, no lovers, no thing-in-between
Because in the end
Your friends will call out your name
Like a balm, friends will be there
to soothe your heart

I've been your ---, for so long
Now it's hard to take those words
heard through other's lips...

You've been here all the time
Were there anytime the tide was high
and i couldn't swim and i couldn't move

I see you hanging on a thin thread,
not even saying hello.
Putting a distance, for health of your own heart.
I also thought I'd wait for you forever.
But he got in my way...

And you were there
and now this man pops out of nowhere
takes away from you your ----
but it's not like that...

You tried to protect me from life,
it was such a sweet thing from you.
But you can't enclose the fields,
you can't wave life goodbye.

Your -----, that's me...
a bond no one understands
but the both of us...
and who cares
because we are heaven
just like him

Can't you see that
you can have a thousand lovers
and a few friends
and that you crossed the barriers of me
unlike anyone I meet?

And you were there
and now this man pops out of nowhere
takes away from you your ----
but it's not like that...

Because our relationship was always special,
and will always be.
I see you standing there,
having a rough time.
I see you standing there,
but we will learn from this.
You won't be left behind.

****** grew up
she got herself a man
and a disability card
****** grew up
and she's not yours anymore

****** grew up
her life has changed
did you take advantage
not of her age
but of her winter?
Did you want her locked in your cell
was it convenient for you?
Well, the winter's gone
She's not the girl of your dreams
She's the woman of your desires

****** grew up
but always in your heart
always in my heart
the girl she was

but you can't take it anymore
the fact she grew up
it was going to happen
as soon as she left winter
and you were summer
but now the summer's burning
and you are not the flame

the beautiful, deadly winter
the place where she lived
the comfy, White walled, mind crowded Winter
where she still lives
but now put a handful of pepper
and a handful of flames!
would you take it better
if summer had a girls' face?

It was nice, keeping me in a jar
It was nice, helping me out
what were you?
a wolf? a friend? a ghost?
true love? My Humbert Humbert?
all of this? and even more?

Did you really know me
(because you do)
did we build something more
on Spanish lessons and kisses by wire
did I lead you on
well, I'm partly guilty
and not guilty at all!
we were friends! not lovers anymore!

****** grew up
but always in your heart
always in my heart
the girl she was

What light do you throw to yourself?
You are not guilty of your feelings
but you must abide...
I cannot, either, forget our past
But I must move on...

****** never grew up
but she's not yours anymore

Friend
or
foe?

I cut myself
with your thought
I cut myself last night
on your venom Kiss

He’s always been a demon
no good at all
with an angel’s face
I don’t know why I did that
Why I had to push the thought outside
The words came to my mind,
“Is this how you want the night to end?”
and next thing he’s charging with his body,
his lips, on me.
Waves of heat rolling…my chest it explodes, my body it burns
The starter (once), the killer.

Last night it was him, not you
Last night, it was painful
because I’m not loving who I love
and I’m loving that one I do not love
that one I hate

Incubus of you

It all boils down to this.
My metal legs could squeak.
I tell you my secret, so you know.
I don't know if you can take it.
You are no me (we already have enough
with an amoeba here)
But you like me,
strangely...

We might try, we might try, we might try,
but I might get undressed and you might get scared.
Or simply repelled...

Minutes of pregnancy
Siouxsie can't placate me
I'm wandering in the darkness...
in the underbelly of life
scared of my own body,
now I understand the strife...the fear inside

I didn't fear it
but it is here!
I could laugh at it
until I see it coming straight at me...
and nothing is fun anymore

"I'll be the pregnant punk girl at class,
Another brick in my strange life.
I'll be worrying until I see what's up"

Minutes of pregnancy,
minutes in hell.
It was the darkest shade,
that I would be a mother,
so much shame over me,
the little girl that got eaten by the wolves and her worms,
the worms of her cobwebs, long, long cobwebs.
I know I am a hysterical child,
moved only by my own terrors.
What will I do? I ask, worried, to anyone who wants to hear me.

Will you be with me?
Will you hold my hand?
Or leave me there to bleed?
Is mom right about this?

My most feared performance...

My fella that never leaves me, the structure around my bones, fake and real.
My pet peeve, my best friend,
My savior, my doom…
My wings, my legs, my cane,
My drug, myself, my scar, my wound.
That’s what it is to me.
Yet it is nothing but my strange scheme of things I made to carry on living…
Something I’d like to live without.

So I ran away
I heard the sky crack wide open
It was way too much
I needed to leave, for a while from
Not you or me or us
but the monster I had created

An Angela Hayes steps on the scene.
She’s ugly and she’s beginning to rot.
She’s pretty and her bones are broken.
She’s a shadow of herself.
She’s drowning yet she’s beautiful.

It was dark, dark inside.
Dark, dark outside.
I got a punch from heaven, who knows
Got sent to hell, instead.

And I couldn’t handle it anymore
All the lies fell in front of my eyes.
All my paranoia, all the crazy schemes of my mind,
finally seemed to make sense.

It didn’t but at the time I had to explode or else I’d have died and lost touch from me ever.

Your thought i keep in my mind
Like something to be taken care of, my love
Is this love? What is it?

You became something to be taken care of
I am afraid of living without you
Wait! Not that, just…the dislocated beat in my heart because of you

You became an obsession.
Not a passion, not anymore
You became something odd, to my mind (like everything else)
I convinced myself well that you are my life.
But hark, you are!

You are alive and that is weird to me
Am I holding the unavoidable back? Am I?

You calm down your own fires
The ones you fueled well and strong before.
I am your fire, so take care of me.
So I don’t die, and can make you warm.

You need no diamonds, you need nothing more
But your own will to make me burn.
I am your fire, so take care of me.
So I don’t die, and can make you warm.

Just drop me a line, “i miss your touch”
“I’m away from you but i miss you much”
Anything from you.
You are my fire. Keep me warm.

We are each other’s fire, and so we burn…
The conflagration of us…
The relieving fire of existence

Way before the awakening
The pink hair, the men, the crazy life
(should I call it merely life?)
There was you.

Blue Danish eyes
Entrance me into a whole new world
Soft womanly shape
Open a girl’s mind..
You were there when there was nothing…
II
Gitte you lie in me
like a shadow of what could be
lustful promise of girls
all of them in my bed!
III
Like a crack on the wall
through which the air starts to ooze inside
you were the first fresh I ever breathe
since months…

never more
i wanna go back
i don’t want my sterile sadness
this comfort of sadness
i wanna feel, i wanna scream
not sustain fake relationships
i want to make it, will my brain let me?
I need human flesh
I crave human flesh
I need some reality
I had needed it so bad
I needed to ditch my stylish sadness
now it’s coming back

You were sitting on your chair
Raving about a song by Air, “when I was high on M”
And then…a spectrum came
and you were more yourself
than you are when you are fully yourself
I could feel you creep all over my hand, and your lips, biting me
So contained, so strong, so blowing my mind
A ghostly presence and I held my breath
something so raw, something pure in the air
You and that music were just one…
It took you, sent you to another world…
But which spectrum was this? Hers or mine?
Was it my effect or the reminder of hers?
It’s the magic of the possessed
Those times you are not yourself
but something HIGHER…

Saturdays are tense
with the promise of something else
Mother stares at her plate
Father can't stop talking
and I lie in my tension

Saturdays are tense
with the shadow of the past
of the embryonic, of my life

Saturdays are waiting on an edge
Of other people's doubts
Saturdays are a loaded gun
With nothing to shoot but air...

Saturdays are happy days
but not today

Sometimes we sleepwalk and we call it life
Pass through the motions but we ain't there
But there are dreams, desires, wanting to be unlocked...
This life is a maze.

And then
a ray of light - darkness
a slap in the face
a throb in the blood
a beat of the heart
a different drum
a kiss on the lips!
Thank God for waking up!
Because only then we can dream...

Like an amoeba out of her element
I was
But I had never felt so content

And I fell in love, yeah it is true
But what else could I do?
And I fell in love, fell for you
But what was I going to do?

The dark alleys
where love grows
A lonely Barceló (street)
The dark places, damp
where sensuality springs
I sprung for you,
Then lost my mind…

It burnt me, it burnt me, it burnt me.
First it was heavenly fire
then it turned to non-breathing hell
What is it?

It might have destructed me
But it shocked me, shook me good
Like a just discovered teenage lesbian

And I fell in love, yeah it is true
But what else could I do?
And I fell in love, fell for you
But what was I going to do?

You were a wolf to me
Played with me then made me your prey
But I dance with wolves…

It does not span too long
Just a night or two or so
But it swallowed us whole, I see it clear

It lasts only so long as a night
Catch it while you can
But don’t cry when it’s over
It was meant to be like this
You have to learn to let go…

It’s ephemeral love
Springs and withers so quickly
Fades away as it burns and stings but just tonight
Don’t be sad, because he really loved you
Even though just once in his life…

This sip of life I never had
I’m drinking it up
Beds and love, love, love
that will die soon…

Hot feeling, heavy breathing
but not only that
It was when you held my hand
It was so much stuff
It shone, so bright, that only night.

It’s ephemeral love
The universe knows it
And you’ve been waiting ever for this
The stars conspire above
You gotta learn to let go…

And it could be anything
You could have been playing with me
but I don’t think so… I know

Little girl, little girl
It aches merely to think of this song
About the man that sewed all your heart holes
It distorts you inside

You’re 23 but you’re such a newbie
To fall for him like this
You’re 23 but still full of naivety

Little girl, little girl
That from the beginning he means everything to you
and you mean something to him
but something’s not everything

Little girl, little girl
That he didn’t care to hurt you at all
But you are aching
Hanging on a whatsapp message
Or anything from him

Little girl, little girl
That fell so hard so high from
He became an obsession
He got in your brain wires
To death…

Little girl, little girl
He’s not what you expected
What high hopes for someone so low
It was fun in his bed
Till you lost your mind
Little girl, little girl
Fighting against yourself…

Little girl
You are a bit more older today

What you did to me
Is something that musn't be done
But at least I had fun...

You broke my heart
But it didn't hurt much

Playing with my heart
My deepest fears, my deepest desires
Such a lifeline you were
Now torn apart...

Now my fingers work again
Although not against your body anymore
But it feels good to be back
not at home
just myself

FEAR OF FLYING
I spread my wings - to the sky
And I fly high, so high - I get drunk
like a bird - in the night
I dance their dance - oblivious of my feeble self
But then, cold, cold wind hits my wings
And I fear falling to the ground
I wanted simply to be there - drink a little water to calm my thirst
I forgot my wings are essentially broken
And I might fall in any moment.