I’d like to make sense of this world
or not
maybe with someone
& grow old together
I’d like to keep hope
Even though sometimes
it makes me red at the cheeks
thinking of what isn’t
was
& could be

I’d like to share a bed,
entangling limbs in soft sheets
I’d like to entwine fingers,
warming limbs
I’d like to find love & light

Usually best on a whim

I’d like so many things now
& it makes me feel soft.
Never knew this feeling.
But now I want a home &
A pet
A lover
A friend
A child
& something to call my own.
But, I’m so scared I’m a monster

Unable to hold on to a moment
Feeling in waves; usually a flood
& not everyone is made for the water.
You must be used to the feeling of the unknown & darkness.

I’m learning to breathe

I know how to sail my oceans
But at times the sea entwines
natural & salt
confusing things, but natural nevertheless
I’m also okay with just a feeling
but not fleeting moments
I’m too used to that
I just want forever
Forever is still fleeting
I guess that’s just a problem I’ll have

Bullets flying
coincidentally none strike  
smoke ablaze
but unnoticed
was the bullet between her teeth
unharmed she appears
the bullet drops to the dirt
her teeth crumble
her tongue bleeds
and a single tear escapes
so effortlessly
as though it was yearning to be freed
but of which emotion
no one will know

I think about the years
that have passed with no words
that have escaped my mouth regarding
the fire that’s always burned my heart
I think about the years that have passed that I never got you & hope that I’m
blessed enough in this life time to love you

It was there again
I mean
It came to me again
With a slow numbness
N grip on the throat
Weight on my chest
& shake of my head
It was all there again
Again
Once again
It’s got me
This time it was terrifying
Because I’d have lived
Without
For longer this time
So this time it felt like
Fear
Instead of comfort

I believe I’ve thought about writing this
Or have written this far too many times
In my life
I just know once I’m no longer here
Everyone will have words of
FINALLY

Don’t kiss me when your tongue still licks your lips with despair
Don’t breathe words of hate before connecting lips with mine
Don’t kiss me with lips of confusion
Don’t touch me with lips of resentment
& call it love
Don’t kiss me

I go to the washroom to freshen up
The bar is loud
I smell something familiar
Smells like you
It smells like you
Comfort
I don't want to lose you
I'm sorry
I'm ******, I know
We're fcked
We know

With a grin across her face
“Must I be my own muse?”

I wonder if you still think of me
I’d be the bigger fool to call you foolish
to still think of me
but I won’t ask that
I’ll just wonder if you fell in love with her

as fast as you did with me

Do you still fantasize about me
Or feel more confident with her
because of me
Or if you miss my touch,
Not the tough kind

The soft ones

& I wonder if you got over me as soon as you fell for her
Because she is alluring, no doubt
But to think I loved that quick
That hard

But it’s all over now

It's a renewal

Oh,

We're all dying

The seasons are changing
The tides are turning
The earth is burning

We're all going down

Oh,

The Beauty in it all

What’s to say you will know?


The fiery being you are detests to your celestial existence

Death
Sentients
  
Forever a delusion
What have I transpired?

Today my mind isn’t very kind
Today I am not very kind
Because today
My mind told me when I woke
When I was curling my lashes
To **** myself
My mind
Told me to die today

Today
My mind isn’t very kind

Today

My mind isn’t very kind to me

You searched
but you never knew what for
the answers were given
but still
unknown to you
my love for you
I didn't dare remind you
washed & worn out
unfamiliar & dry
you hoped but lost
lost & not confidently at this time

You said I reminded you of music.
I know music is one of your favourite things.
The pressure.
You'd wake me with kisses & caress my skin.
But what happens when your fingertips come across my imperfections.
The shame.
You say I'm more than you could ever ask for.
But what happens when I tell you there is more.
The guilt.
You have your addictions, like we are with tarring our lungs. What if you found that I do it because it slowly kills me.
The irony.

I come over & embrace the one I considered dad at some point.
I grab a piece of birthday cake from a somber room filled with all too familiar eyes that say too much. They ache.
Quick tongues & vacant hearts.
Shaky hands & no love worth calling art.
These are the actions of the product of generational trauma & broken homes.
Halfway through my cake before we hear threats of death from liquored breath.
I continue to eat because it’s the only thing I would call sweet in that visit.
Everywhere I turned there was a story, ones that would make you weep if you had empathy & a reason.
I finished the slice of cake & finally break, call my mother because she’s a strong woman I know.
I learnt it from her but this time I couldn’t help. I couldn’t help this time.
I couldn’t ******* help.
I cursed God
I cursed the moon
I cursed myself
& then I cursed some more
Easy to understand the picture when you’re in it because it’s not just a moment it’s moments & more.
I fear for the future & what is & could be.
But I know fear is the devil so I’ll try not to curse no more.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt a passion like this
a warmth like this
But I’ve felt a love so deep,
or so I thought
But to think of a vibration like this
My body shutters with the thought of
an energy like this
Giving me the urge to exist in a way
that shines
Sometimes I move quick with love
that the heart on my sleeve gets wind burn
But with every scar comes a story
& I feel as though I show you mine
with the passing of my words

It came as a wave
I was doing the back stroke
felt the clear water beneath me
it was calm at first
safe even
I didn't think about how deep it was
I didn't think about how dark it could get
I thought about how clear the water was
how warm the surface was
the moon and the sun fought to be my light
my legs went under
then my waist
then my arms
my body started to tingle
I only glanced
the depth was luring
I felt myself slip into the paralyzingly cold water
I couldn't feel the sun anymore
the moon laughed
the water wasn't calm anymore
it was time
my head went under
I had oxygen but it only lasted so long
my head felt light & I wasn't in control anymore
I seen creatures you'd never see at the surface
I drifted & didn't dare gasp
The jellyfish danced around me as I watched everything go black  
They just danced