Fight for all you know

How am I supposed to, when

everything I know is wrong?
everything I believe is wrong?

everything I fought for, is *gone.
What is left to pick me back up again?

Family
They look through their black and white glasses.
See what the desire, what they want.
Their entire world, on grey scale.

Acquaintances
They look through their filters.
See what they think you want to see.
Their entire world, primary colors.

Friends
They look on the outside world.
See what you both want to see.
Their entire world, a dazzling rainbow.

Left behind,
Dust kicked in my face
as the lights of the pick-up
fade away in the darkness.

Frozen by shock and confusion,
So stiff that tears refuse to flow
under the royal blue sky
pondering on the adjacent events.

Hearing the eerie sounds,
Birds fly overhead following as
beauteous stars stretch above, yet
those lights don't cross my mind.

Touching the rough dirt,
Listening to the wind the
music travels from a distance
too far to make out the tune.

Lost in the wilderness,
No help for miles on end
forced to walk forward
with the world on my chest.

The sun starts to rise,
Feeling the cool breeze of the morning
Purple catches my eye
Dancing in the light.

One, lone flower,
As vibrant as the neon sign
alone in the wilderness,
left behind.

I know I was wrong.
Am I ever going to forget? No.
Still, my mind races, everyday.
In the past, I never saw myself at this point.
Love is strong, Love is powerful,
With anyone, or anything, especially family.
You are the only thing keeping me sane.

Is this the beginning?
To be quite honest,
I cannot tell.

This is what it felt like,
twice before,
but not the third.

I guess I'll have to wait,
and see how I react
to new things

Who knows,
maybe this means
*The fortune tellers were correct.

Conscious or not, it's still not okay.
As it eats the inside, causing ultimate decay.
I know its my fault to go wondering away,
but it's still not okay, to leave me astray.

My mind may ramble, causing major delay.
Tearing me up, to be left on display.
I know it's my fault for involving in child's play,
but it's still not okay, to leave me astray.

"Go ahead, be gone, sit up, walk away.
I am forever done with your little screenplay."
Over and over, I frown and say.
but it's still not okay, to leave me astray.

Leave me hurt, go on, betray.
I am that rotten, old bouquet.
The one you step on and seem to mislay,
Yes, I am the one who has left me astray.

I think you forgot, one tiny little picture,
I have the power to hold the elixir.
I have the power to be me, for me.
To just be the person I want to be.
Step back, look, at what you've done.
You are the only one, that's left with the gun.
The gun with bullets, that pierce the soul,
with ice cold words, with which you stole.
You stole the happiness, of what we had left,
Leaving everyone with nothing but color bereft.
If black and white is all you see,
then I guess you've never seen the real me.
or the real others, for that matter of fact,
because to you, we are nothing, but abstract.
The rainbow stretches far beyond your eyes,
You'll never make us meet our demise.
Let us be, who we want to be,
Let us see, who we want to see.
I am gay, woe is me,
*I can be, who I want to be.

Manipulation begins,
before the games begin.
The pre-game shows the truth,
It prepares you for the challenge.
If you hurt now,
you'll only injure yourself more.
When you hurt before the game,
you call pull a muscle.
It begins with you,
the choices you make.
I was hurt, I never made it to the game.
My ankle was sprained,
So I could never make the perfect spike, the perfect foul shot, the buzzer beater.
I never took the chance,
I regret.
If I had played the game,
would my ankle have grown strong?
Or would it have broken more.
I took the will of the coaches advice,
They know what's best for me.
Now how long will I not be able to play?
How long will my my ankle hurt?
How long until I can feel the rush of adrenaline as I sprint down the court,
knowing i have a straight shot at a layup?
I miss it.
I miss the beginnings.
The fact that you know you can make it,
just an injury stands in the way.
It tears at me,
I wish I could play,
I wish I had chosen to,
but I didn't.

Mama, Why am I going with this strange man?
For your safety, my dear
But Mama, he scares me, he's hurt me, everywhere, I don't feel safe
Oh honey, It's okay. It's what all girls do.
But-but...I love you, I love Papa, I don't wanna leave you.
It is your duty, child, we need the money. If you love us, go.

The conversation runs through her head,
over and over the broken record plays.

Broken.
Innocence of a child, lost.
Lost in the broken glass.
Shards tear at the skin,
Making sure she never forgets.

Hope is pushed into her life,
Freedom is near*, she thinks.
glass shatters
He knocked over another vase,
Another rock was thrown through the window.
Another piece of her life, came crashing down.

Down...Down...Down.
As soon as she believes,
Believes in what could have been,
What should be lived...
glass shatters.*

Glass shards, impossible to mend.
The shattering, the damage,
Hopeless to rectify,
Hopeless to continue.

Is it bad for me,
to let myself live in a fantasy?
or is it better to move myself,
back into the place we call reality?
Reality *****.
Fantasy is amazing.
Though fantasy is fantasy for a reason.
Mixing the two,
forcing fantasy into the reality,
ending worse than reality itself.
*I live in a fantasy, in the world of reality
and I'm not sure how to move forward.

It's a beautiful thing.
We all desire it,
We all search for it.
Some find it with money,
Some search for it through other people.
We are all different in how we achieve our goals.
What is important, is that happiness is received in the end.
The end of what you ask?
The end of the day, the conversation, the year, your life.
We all get caught up in the busy world,
and forget to take a step back.
To enjoy the little things.
The beauty of a sunrise,
The music of the birds chirping,
The dazzling sunlight in the water.
Instead we think about work,
about what others think of us,
about the test next period,
about the latest gossip.
All of those things don't make us happy.
We may think it does at first,
but in reality, it's just a buffer.
Something in the way of happiness,
something causing us not to see, or hear, or think.
So do this for me,
take a step back,
relax,
breathe.
Happiness will come,
Everything will be okay.
*I promise.

Happiness is all around,
but joy is almost never found.
Happiness is short term, not made to last,
while joy, is in the contrast.
Joy is forever, Joy is always,
yet you are lucky,
if happiness lasts for a few days.
What happens when neither are found?
If happiness is lost, and joy is unreachable,
Is the slump I'm in ever unbeatable?
Sure, yes, you can tell me it's not,
but who's to say it's not a long shot?
Happiness vs Joy, oh what a difference,
when all you see, is nothing but bitterness.

You never know what you have, until it's lost.
Enjoy the Holidays, Enjoy every bit of the family, friends, and happiness you can get.
It is something that should be cherished and treasured forever, because it won't last for eternity. Hold onto what you can, let go what you must let go. Some gifts are meant to be passed on, meant to be shared. Others are meant to be kept to yourself. Take time and reflect to see which ones in your life are which. Its a tough decision, but in the end, you will feel so much better. Plus, always remember there are people everywhere that will help wrap your present, whether you want them to just hold the tape, or to walk you through the entire process. The present will get wrapped, and you will be able to wrap on your own someday, but it takes time to learn, to build up strength. Have the courage to ask others to help, they will be overjoyed to help tie the bow. So as you sit by the fireplace this holiday season, take time to take care of yourself, to appreciate the gift of life you have. The gift that was given to you years ago. You are the beautiful shimmering present tied in a red bow that everyone admires under the Christmas Tree. You, are the best thing that could've happened to me. And don't you ever forget that. I love each and every person who is reading this-Never forget your beauty, your happiness, your strength. Whatever you are going through, you can get through. Whatever you are stuck on, it will pass. You have the courage and strength to move on, I know you do.
*I believe in you.

The days still haunt me.
Thoughts pass my mind,
as a ghost travels through the narrow halls.
They won't stop.
The more I block them out,
the more they creep back.
One by one, I push them back,
two by two they travel forward.
Haunting my every image.
Showing up everywhere,
especially at the worst times.
Nobody else believes in ghosts,
so I cannot speak, my mouth stays shut.
I will eventually be able to coexist with the ghosts,
that is the true goal.
However for now,
I sit and wait during the endless possession that lies ahead of me.

Something so simple,
Something so easy,
Is so hard for me to do.
Repeat in my head the billions of possibilities that may occur,
and end up never doing one.
Instead, I go on,
regretting the things I never did,
or don't have the courage to do again.

Words of mystery,
have became known.
Words of disguise,
were rightly shown.

Hidden no more,
under the brush they lay.
For everyone knew,
what they planned to say.

Words scribbled down,
on piles of paper.
Every single one,
would diminish and taper.

You call that poetry?
they say with a frown.
Classified as a poet,
you're only a let down.

Words of mystery,
kept concealed.
Words of disguise,
not tightly sealed.

Scribbling away,
at the endless works.
Never moving past,
the broken waterworks.

Here I write away,
those silly old scraps.
And pray dear god,
that I'll never relapse.

Done with the pointlessness
Done with the wrath,
I'm ready to move on,
to journey on the path.

Words of mystery,
closed once more,
Words of disguise,
never like before.

Entering a place of time and space
The whirling stops, powering erase.
Happiness of life, joy and array,
Forever pushed to enlighten the day.
Sitting, writing, pouring out emotion,
something we all give our utter devotion.
So now we stare at the metaphorical elm,
as we welcome the silence into our realm.
Hello, my friend, I'm happy you're here
for now you can see, the life that disappears.
See the experiences of bliss and wrath
As you enjoy the way on your poetry path.

She took it.
She took it from me.
Just like she took the last one.

At first, I thought I'd lost it, turns out,
She's been hiding them.

I hope she knows,
Just because she takes it,
doesn't mean Ill stop.

It just means ill find something else,
I accept the challenge.

*Game on

"a year, or more"
You have more faith in me,
You see more strength in me.
You expect me to...

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I hear those words,
that specific melody.
I feel the pain I once felt,
and the nag of mellow happiness
of those days past.
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