I do not have a gay agenda
That consists of me stealing your faith
Crushing your god
And molesting you with my eyes
If you pass me in a crowded hall.

I do not have a gay agenda
That consists of me taking the minds
Of innocent children
And leading then into devil worship.

I do have a gay agenda
That consists of me (a girl)
Finding the perfect girl
To call my wife
And start a family with.

I do have a gay agenda
That consists of me letting love be fluid
Labels have no meaning
Or bounds
And letting religion roam free.

So with my simple gay agenda of love
Why are you so worried?
Are you afraid that my agenda will beat out yours?
After all love trumps all hate
In the end
One way or another.

Here, take a look through my eyes
Understand how the light bouncing off my retinas paints the world

People carry a shine from inside of their bodies
They are beautiful,
Not because of their whitened teeth, smattered freckles or bouncing ponytails
But because they all are stories waiting to be read
And because of how they react when you smile at them

When you walk down the street and the breeze whispers at your back,
you can't help but marvel at the fact that
you're on a planet, one planet of a whole universe
and so is the bird off to your right and that tree with its berries so high above

All you want is to be a good person
Make others happy

And then there's the dark stuff
the stuff you can't touch unless you're alone
the darkness you always see out of the corner of your eyes
ever so slightly tinting all that it is surrounded by

See through my eyes, and maybe you'll understand
This is my world
This is what I see, who I am and who I want to be
This is my world

It's cold tonight,
And I should be too.

It's cold tonight,
And ***** this and ***** you.

It's cold tonight,
And why should I care?

It's cold tonight
And I'm shivering
And I'm shaking
And I just can't breathe ******* it.

It's cold tonight
And I just want to be alone and freeze,
Because the only person I want to be warm around
Is four hundred ******* miles away.

And when your words distance themselves
From your heart
It hurts to not be reassured
When all you wanna hear is that they'll stay,
That it's gonna be a-o-******'-kay.

But you don't even know.

It's cold tonight,
And so am I.

It's cold tonight,
And cut me open,
I won't bleed, I swear,
I'll shatter.

It's cold tonight,
And I'm angry for no reason,
Throwing a ******* tantrum,
Because my heart hurts and
You're distant.

And I know I'm immature
I know I have no reason to be upset,
But I am and I can't pinpoint why and
**** it.

Whatever,
Forget it.
I can't even make sense
To myself.

It's cold tonight,
And so am I.

you know it's getting bad when
you're starting to act like a teleprompter for your friends

trying to coax them to the conclusion
but too afraid, too empty, too smothered, too something to just come out and say
"i'm probably not okay"

and see, i can't even type it here without first qualifying it as only probably

there's a map to my chaos
my words are your guide
you can find hints of my despair
on the Radiator or
in the taste of Codeine
despair as bitter cold and dark as it gets

i've desperately got my hands to my throat
i'm giving you the choking sign
i'm so far gone down the rabbit hole that you can only hear the echoes of my sighs

but this is my last flare
so i will hover over the light of its hope until you either see me or it dies

How do you explain that your bones are the coal used as breeding ground for a fire? How do you explain that there's a fire raging inside of you, setting every inch of your body and thoughts ablaze? Like a wildfire destroys the forest, this pain is knocking me down and smoldering me.
But how can you say you're in ashes when your body is unbruised?

No collapsed limbs, no heaving lungs, no unconscious mind -only puffy eyes and a tired tongue?

How do you explain that the tightness one gets in their throat upon hearing unexpectedly terrible news is a common feeling of yours - a side effect of the blood that runs through all of your veins? That even though you know you can do something, the words 'you physically cannot' are flooding your brain like a drug and poisoning every choice you try to make?

How do you explain that every move you make feels like walking on a tightrope that seems to never end. How each step sends a shiver down your spine; trying not to fall, trying to finish the task, trying to stop the anxiety -but you can never reach the end because your destination keeps switching from left to right despite the progress you've made.

How do you explain that you're dying when everyone see's you as perfectly alive?

NJ2016

I was a believer
Long after the other girls got interested in parties and boys

I would sit on my heels on the floor of the school library
And stare at the musty shelves of stories, searching for my next fantasy

I was a true believer
It seemed strange to me that while all of these characters, my friends,
kept finding magic in their worlds
mine was devoid and empty
I kept wondering, Why not me?

I was sure the magic was just hiding from me
Waiting for the right time to show itself
Waiting until I was ready to become the heroine
Every windy night, every walk into the woods,
I would think
This time, it will come for me
But it never did

I had a book on forest faeries and how to find them
After waiting and waiting all of those years
Clinging to my last hope, I decided I would give the magic one more chance
I went out to my back yard
To the perfect faery tree, with all the knots and holes in its trunk
And deep red berries stirring gently with the warm breeze
I stood under it, hands clasped, eyes closed
And waited one last time
Please I begged Please

And that was the day I stopped believing

From then on, I was determined to be a rationalist
An evidence-only type of girl
I switched to kneeling before the science fiction shelves
Followed the inventions of today's great tech scape
It was magic in its own sort of way

But my metaphoric heart has never quite given up on the romance of true magic
It loves it in a tragic, primal sort of way
It wants to make my life into a hero journey of fate and destiny
It wants there to be something more to this world
A something mysterious, a something beautiful
All my head and heart seem to do is contradict

A long time ago, I used to be a believer
But ever since I decided to give up on magic
It seems that magic has refused to set me free.