Didn't really expect another one so soon? Neither did I. But it turns out that once you start walking in the gardens of death, the scent of the flowers there is overpowering. Poppy fields, blood red, sweet sleep- addicting. Your nose keeps leading you in circles even when your head warns you to watch your step.
I wish I could say this was for real. But the problem is, we all know me by now. I'm never actually going to, and that makes it hard for people to care.
"There she goes, the one always bothering us about her nonsense. Why won't she give this up already?"
I'm still trudging through my life sentence, chains on my ankles, family and friends on my wrists. It's hard for them to understand. To them, it's all "kill yourself already" or "join the rest of society." It's a waste of everyone's time otherwise.
I've become the girl who cries wolf, and everyone including me knows she's always sounding a false alarm. But god, I can't help but cry sometimes, can I? It hurts, it hurts. I bite my lips to keep from falling down the stairs.
The scent of poppies clouds around my head.
I can't help but wonder if everything I do is somehow goodbye. If maybe I'll get run over by a car on the 40 minute walk home. Or maybe I'll finally lose myself so far in this cloud of flowers that I test out the surest way to die. Just in case, I'm trying to build a pile of memories of me. Just in case one day someone needs to fill up a girl-sized space in the world. Just in case.
It's just that, no matter how grand this world seems, there's only so much to do here. There's only a few categories of gifts you can buy for people, a few types of jobs you can do. The days play on repeat, always purposeless, always fatal. And I'm trying to color them all with sunbeams and starshine, but I'm weary. One day, I don't think the lights will be warm enough. One day, I think I'm going to give up.
But not today. Today, I force my eyes open, and I watch my step. I will not stumble into a final rest among these sweet, soft flowers, lovely as it sounds.
I will not give up today.

If you read all the way through that, thank you :)

Let's go chase the sun and paint the walls
In shades of gold and strokes of rain.
I'll pretend I don't see the whitewash underneath.
Let's go jump over puddles and dance through dust
Dizzy from turning on our toes, but don't stop.
I know what's waiting when I stop, when the world stops being a blur.


Unless they're not.

What if it was all a goodbye?
One more memory before I leave.

I'm typing these words to distract myself from the never-ending oblivion that hovers over this naive little bubble

It's in my inhale, hands to my throat as I choke
On tips of fingers that dance across screens and on every flower petal that falls
It waits
Oh, how come no one seems to see?

I close my eyes and type words as fast as I can
It doesn't matter what they say
As long as I can forget
I know the meaning of infinity

As a start, you should always project the opposite of what you're actually going to do. If you're going to cut yourself, smile! People will tell you you're the happiest girl they know. If you're going to starve yourself, have desserts. You'll have your mom telling you to stop eating so much. The great thing about people is that, once they see you a certain way, almost nothing will change that.

You can't get lazy though. Always take care of the evidence. I don't mean hide it, because hidden things can still be found. If you need to hide evidence, you've already been too careless. Taking care of the evidence is part of the plan. You can cut your arms, but only in winter, when its normal to wear long sleeves. Switch to your inner thighs for summer, and take care the swimsuits you choose. You'll have to eat dinner with the family, but you can throw away most of your lunch during the school day without anyone noticing.

IF, and I do mean if, someone asks questions, don't panic. Trust that your precautions have protected you. The only thing panic can do is make you defensive and getting defensive is the surest way to get caught. Surprise is better. "Really? Me lose weight? I don't think so. I hadn't noticed it."

The fewer words you say the better. You don't want them hearing something in your voice. Keep your focus on whatever you were doing before, extra points if its your phone. Sometimes all you need is a disinterested shrug for the whole conversation to go away.

IF you get someone who is unusually persistent, still don't panic. Turn to half-truths instead. They sound plausible, and people eat them up. "Oh I would never do anything bad to lose weight. I guess I might've lost a little because we're in season right now." If you're feeling a little irony, thank them for their concern. It'll make them feel good about themselves and the whole thing in general. I doubt you'll ever hear another question from them again.

Just remember this: there is a trade off for everything you do. You have chosen, in order to get away with whatever you're doing, to live the life of a liar. You have sacrificed your innocence, your fun and your conscience to control the truth. The life of a liar is no easy way to live.
Do you regret it?

I don't condone the use of these tips to harm anyone, except apparently myself

Standing at the top of the clock tower
with bells echoing through my chest
and wind ringing in my ears,
It feels as if the whole world is within reach.

They have nets under all the bridges. How many bodies have they caught? So many abused by their own broken souls.

From my college visit today.

I am not going to kill myself
I am not going to kill myself
There is no pain
I'm okay
I am not going to kill myself
Please don't let me kill myself

Hold me through the night
Still the pain and keep me safe
I can't face being alone

Fold your arms so tight around me
make the shakes go away
Please stay, hold me through the night

© Pagan Paul (01/01/17)

Haiku 5-7-5, 7-5-7
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