A phoenix rises from the ashes only to return again
She has fallen under the arrows of eyes never meant to see
Her final words she whispered in my ear
A thank you for all of the kind words
And an I'm sorry for the things left unsaid and unheard
And then she is gone,
In a blink
They have pulled away a part of my soul
A phoenix returns to the ashes only to rise again
If you look close enough, you'll see wings sprouting from the dust
But this is the fall of Amethyst Fire
I had to write this in case I die
And they go through my accounts, find my poems
I had to make sure they know that, despite what they read
I could never kill myself
I loved you all too much, I had too many plans
It's just that, I really wanted to sometimes, you know?
I saw too much reality in life
I saw all the endless ways I could die and it scared me
And I'm sorry Mom, that I never told you any of this
It's funny that, in your own way, you knew how this was going to play out
You were always afraid I'd be like Dad, never asking for help when I needed it the most
But I was going to, I swear
I was going to fix this, as soon as I went away to school
I just couldn't have you know this side of me
I loved you too much for that
And to the people who did know this side of me
I'm sorry too
For the moment when they first break the news that
And you think I really did kill myself and that you couldn't save me
The taste of relief bittersweet on your tongue when they tell you how it really happened
Just know that I wanted to make the world a better place
I never thought I was enough to do that, but I was trying
Every day, I got up and stuck a smile on my face
Even when I was hurting so badly that I wanted to kill myself
I WAS STILL TRYING
So please, all I ask is
Don't console yourself by thinking I'm in a better place
Every day, no matter how much it hurt, I chose life.
And so, on the off chance that I die tomorrow, or the next day or the next, I just had to get this out there.
My choice was always life.
It was always all of you.
With all my love and the final beatings of my heart,
I was out today
with my father
in such extreme heat.
Dad stops for gas
and I wait in the car seat.
As this happens I glance
through the windshield
at several passing cars.
I saw so many faces,
many different emotions
flowed through the calm,
humid breeze from afar.
These faces I know
all had their own stories.
Their faces like book covers
displayed at a book store.
The facial expressions,
the variety in our lives.
I felt infatuated with
witnessing these people
entering into my view.
I remember moments ago
feeling so indifferent to it all,
but now I was filled
with such anonymous love
for strangers passing by.
I felt for these people
and on some level I hoped
that the feelings deep down
were mutual between us.
I had hoped they were
on good terms with themselves.
For a moment I fell through
myself and my own cheap,
as if I was living through
these beautiful strangers.
One by one they came
and one by one they went.
In a matter of minutes
I realized my glances
turned into an odd gaze.
The light shined bright enough
to where I don't think any eyes
met mine through the windshield.
I hoped they had seen me,
so then I can say that
we both saw each other
and that we knew we both
existed to each other.
I felt a sense of loneliness
as my father returned
to the steering wheel
and we drove from the lot.
I felt more alone
on that drive home
than I had
in a very long time.
I truly cared more
about these beautiful strangers
than I did even my own self.