round and round
we all go

spinning
like lifeless teacups
at an abandoned amusement park

i am trying
to fake a smile
like everyone else

but
I want to scream
I want to run
I want to hide

why is everyone the same
why is no one laughing
why is this place so cold


why do I feel like i am dying

i am
sick and tired
of being left
of not being enough
of ******* hurting
so badly i bleed
out of my hands and throat

i am
sick and tired
of false hope
of telling myself
everything will be okay

i think i'll turn
to the dark side
for a bit
maybe happiness
just is not meant for me
in this lifetime
and i give up

            t r y i n g
            to fight for it

you think i am
a woman who
is okay
with being left
in the dark

my my
are you
wrong

you think you can
hurt me
but
oh
baby
only i can
hurt me

    now stay the **** away

when i was 7 years old
i found myself
angry
not knowing
how to communicate

i took a pen
to my opisthenar
making the pen
crush my skin

bruising
and
bleeding

my mother
put ice on it
telling me
it would
one day be okay

maybe thats how
i became
who i am today

bruising, bleeding
my emotions
just to ice them out
and not feel a thing

whispering
to
myself

     one day it will all be okay

i don’t know if you know this
but i love you

i love you
with every ounce of my being
with every cell in my body

my 23 year old self trusts you
more than i’ve ever trusted a single soul
in my entire life

and i don’t think you understand how
******* scary that is for me
i shake at the thought of me really trusting you
i shake at the thought of me being with you
i shake at the thought of me hurting again
i shake at the thought of wanting more
i shake at being in love with you

because to be completely honest,
i’ve never had someone actually
care about me the way you do
i’ve never had someone care about me
more than you care about me
i’ve never had someone care about my safety more than me
until
you

i’m not use to this
what do i do
how do i learn to have a life no longer poisoned by my past

everyone tells me
to trust you
to communicate how i feel
to not let these other women ruin this
to not let me ruin this

but

how am i suppose to do that
when i haven’t trusted a single soul
since the age of 7

how am i suppose to when
the last time i trusted someone
they violated everything about me
and took every ounce of my innocence

how am i suppose to do this now?
i’m lost

i think i love him
even when
he gaslights me
into believing what he believes

i think i love him
even when
he gets so drunk
he can’t remember what happened the night before

i think i love him
even when
he moans another woman’s name during ***

i think i love him
even when
he raises his hand to my face

i thought i loved him
but it was all in my head

they ask why
i can’t communicate
they ask why
i can’t speak how i feel
they ask why
i can’t express myself

at the age of 7
my voice box
stopped working
for 3 years
of my life

my voice box
covered and choked
by
your hands
and
your threats

the fear
distilled in my brain
soaking through my skin
running through my veins

vulnerability
makes me petrified
vulnerability
leaks like blood
from my wrists

i am scared
of communicating

i don’t want to hurt anymore
i am trapped

h e l p

how do i feel they ask
9 months out of treatment
and how am i suppose
to say how i actually feel

when the light
in my mother eyes
is the brightest they’ve been
since before any of this
struck my soul to the core
15 years ago

when the words
my siblings speak
are like walking on
broken glass whenever
i am around
because i know they’re scared
any little thing will
set me off

when the volume
of my dads voice
has been the softest
it’s been since
before my ****** up
memory can remember

i just want to be free
i just want to be treated normal again
i just want everyone to know that
i’m hurting but it will not be the end of the world

for months
and months
i tried anything
to make you happy

i gave you money
i gave you my car
i gave you love
i gave you support
i picked you up
when you were down
i learned your ****** expressions
and the things that bothered you

maybe i tried shielding
you from the world
put you in a bubble
where no one
could hurt you

little did i realize
you were your
own worst enemy
and no matter how hard
i will ever try

i will never
be the one to make
you happy
only you can

what is PTSD they ask

it’s not knowing which
way is right or left
it’s not knowing how
to maneuver your own mood swings
it’s trying to find your way
through a dark maze during the night
with not an ounce of light to guide you

it’s suicidal tendencies
it’s never thinking you’re enough
it’s thinking you’re *****
it’s thinking you’re useless
it’s thinking you’re used
its thinking you’re undeserving

it’s icing people out at the second
you start to feel emotion
it’s numbing yourself to the world
it’s laying in bed
it’s not being able
to move your body
for days on end
because the pain
strikes to the bone
it’s aches

its going a year out of treatment
and you were strong
until the anniversary month roles around
and suddenly you are a glass house
with stones being pelted to the core

it’s lost years
years of life I may
never fully remember

it’s nightmares
the gut wrenching ones
that night replaying
over and over and over

but most of all

it’s guilt
for not being able
to save my 7 year old self

i miss running away
from all of my problems
the first second I realized
there was a problem

maybe that’s what I’m doing now

realizing there’s a problem
and
realizing I can’t be that girl
who picks up and leaves
like she use to every time before

maybe i’ve grown
maybe i got tired of running
maybe the running away
finally cracked my soul
maybe i need to get away again
maybe i need to run

maybe i will

maybe i wont

i wanted
so badly
so *******
badly

to open up
to you
to talk about
my past
to talk about
the trauma
to talk about
the nightmares
that still haunt
my mind

you were
the first person
i openly wanted
to talk to
about it all

but all you ever
were focused on
was

y o u

dear grandma

it has been a year and a half
since you left
i am so lost
god
i am so lost

im empty
im numb
i can barley cry anymore

i just really miss you

miss our girls sleepovers
miss running away from lifes problems
hiding away at your house

you always knew when i was starving
you always knew how to get me to eat
you always knew how to make me feel better
you always knew how to make me laugh

you were the only one who really knew who i was
even when i did not know who i was

god
i miss you

visit me soon

let the pain from my past
be the ink that bleads from my body
onto paper

turning pain into power
turning feelings into words

The beginning of 2018 I was struggling beyond words
I was struggling to get out of bed
I was struggling to find happiness within myself
I was struggling to eat a simple meal
2018 was the year I attempted to end everything
2018 was the year I sat in treatment in the hospital after a suicide attempt and opened up for the first time in my 21 years of life at the time
2018 was the year jersey shore medical saved my life and made me feel something again
2018 was the year I knocked down every wall I ever built since the age of 7
2018 is the year I went back and accepted the fact that I couldn’t save my 7 year old self no matter how much I wanted too
2018 is the year I rebuilt my life, making it more open and filled with scenery
2018 is the year I took my life back
2018 is the year I threw my emotions into writing
2018, you’ve been one hell of a chapter in this book, and my god I am so thankful it wasn’t the last chapter


2019 I’m ready for you baby

my own parents
did not realize
for years
and years
the abuse
and
the torture
i went through
every time i walked a
few steps outside my house
greeting my neighbor

i remember the door locking
i remember them turning around afterwards
and smiling at me
"what do we have here"
he would say

i remember shaking
i remember wanting to run
i remember thinking
of jumping out the window
because that was the only escape
my seven year old self could think of
then everything goes black
and suddenly
i remember nothing

fast forward a few years
i am having *** with a boy from my school
knowing this means nothing
feeling nothing
my body has turned cold
my body has shed its weight in worry
my body just skin and bones

my mother never
told my father he claims now
my parents
they both knew
how could they not
how could they not
how could they not
how could they
not see the lifeless 7 year old
who returned home that day

how could they let me into that house

at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to drink
at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to gamble

yet

at the age of 21
i slashed
my wrists
at the age of 21
i tried playing
within traffic
at the age of 21
i was ready to
swallow all of my lexapro

at the age of 21
the monster came out
the memories flooded
my brain

after years and years
of keeping them hidden
beneath the cupboard
after years and years
of keeping them locked away
so that sunlight
would never ever
touch them

where they would
rot away
turn black
turn cold
where these memories
ate away at my skin
like leaches in the dark

i should have been free
instead
i tried ending it all

i just want to feel again

some days
i miss the psych ward
being away
from society
left with only
my demons

not being able
to be hurt by
anyone there

i wish
i could find
that comfortability
out in the real world
instead of hiding away
in these locked away rooms

i sit on the beach
as the rain comes down
from the sky onto my skin
hoping
praying
for it to wash away
all this sadness
from within

i use to hate the sound
of snores in the night
my mother and father
made the house sound like
a concert of untuned instruments
through out the night
it would bring back memories
memories i buried long ago
like a beast roaring
through out the night

then you happened

and I found myself
laying in your bed
after a night
of playing beneath the sheets
you fast asleep
me listening
to your snores
that sound so deep

the feeling of comfort
the feeling of safety
the feeling of love

all mixed together
to create

a love so neat

i wish i could
make these thoughts stop
i wish i could
feel something again

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the slightest bit
of vulnerability

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the recurring nightmares
that haunt my brain

the nightmares
the flashbacks
it all hurts

how do i make it stop

October tastes of deception
filled with empty hearts
and empty souls
looking for a place to call home

October tastes like a man
who is all bark
and absolutely no bite
trying to impress but doing less

October tastes like lies
fed from your mouth
tongues burning on my skin
leaving marks within the dark

October tastes like
everything you truly are
and nothing you think
you are from within

my friends and i
we go to scary farms
my friends and i
we go to haunted houses
my friends scream in terror
at the ghosts and ghouls

while i stand there
with no expression
they ask me why
i am not scared

how do i tell them
there is nothing scarier in this world

than losing your own m i n d

i wish vampires were real
so they could ****
every last ounce of your love
from my body and soul

where do i begin?
how do i begin?
you turned a stone cold girl
who was afraid to feel
even an ounce of anything
into
a woman who felt everything
so deeply and strongly
i begged you each night
to leave me because i was petrified
of the things you made me feel
of the way you made me trust you
you never left
not even when i begged you to
you didn't leave til now
i waited for you to let me down
and you never ******* did
you never let me down
do you know how frustrating that is?
do you know how hard this is for me now?

and now i am here
a bit better put together
than you once knew me

thank you
for your kind love
for your pure soul
for your passionate self

i will love you forever

whenever im sad
i look back on that video
of the two of us drunk
dancing, laughing, singing
at the bar
that night we felt as if
we were the only two there

when i get sad
i think of that time
after the bar
where we went up to your room
and you played your acoustic guitar
and sang a new song
you were working on
i was the only fan in the room that night
and my smile was bigger than it could have ever been

when i get sad
i think of those mornings
where you held me close
where i could hear our heartbeats
beat to a rhythm of a song so intertwined

when you get sad
do you even think of me?

i saw you
for the first time
in 4 months
you gave me
one of your great big hugs

i tried not to look into those blue eyes
i kept my eyes on the stage instead
in hopes i wouldnt feel anything

but the second i heard your voice
it shook my heart back alive
it shook my heart into beating again

and everything came rushing back

i have thrown myself
at so many men
in hopes that
i could just forget
everything about you

forget your beautiful bright blue eyes
those eyes that lit up
the rooms you walked into
forget your touch
that soft welcoming touch

i wish i could forget
i ever had you
so i could forget
i ever lost you

his skin like the pale
white hospital room walls
my soul like the
patient they're dying to save

i caught my father
cheating on my mother
the woman who picked
him up time and time again
the woman who raised
his three children
the woman who nursed
his open wounds

how am i suppose to forgive
or trust this man

when i am his blood
when i am his eyes
when i am his nose

i hate this body
get me the **** out

i have not
been able
to write
since
you

l e f t

all
i was
able
to do
was

f a l l

laying in your bed
talking about my past
you unwrap my wounds

so easily
so gracefully

thank you

the last time i had felt safe
was the day before
it all happened the day before
my childhood and innocence
was taken from me without my consent

growing up i never really felt safe
not even when my parents told me
they would protect me from the monsters
because well
they never really did
because they didn't see the monster right next door

then i met you
and not in some cheesy lame way
but

i had a nightmare of that monster
as i lay in your bed with you
trembling, crying, begging
in my sleep
to have it all back
to have my careless childhood back

you awoke me
with your arms
wrapped around me
rubbing my head
reassuring me i was okay

and for the first time
since the age of seven
did i actually feel

s a f e

men have chased me
trying to get a touch
of my body and soul
for the last decade

they are storm chasers
trying to get a glimpse
of the wake of destruction
trying to feel something

yet all i ever do
is leave them before
they can even see me
all that is left for them

is
destruction

i miss you
so *******
much

but

all i can do
is watch
from my phone

you living your life
without me
while im here
living life
wishing you were here

they tell me
i am so good
with words
that they melt
right onto the page
from my mouth

yet why is it

every time i
open my mouth
i never know the
right thing to say
or the right things to feel

i am trying to guess
what everyone
wants to hear
to give them
what they want

yet i never seem
to be successful enough
at that

only with a pen and paper
am i enough
because i am just me
not what everyone
wants me to be

i text you asking
how life has been
after not speaking
for months
but
it feels like centuries

but when i ask
how its been
what i really
mean is

do you still have
that CD i gave you
after you dropped me
off at my house
after a night of playing
beneath the sheets
and roaming through
the veins of each others bodies

do you play the CD
while you are on tour
stuck in that small van
with nothing but
your own thoughts
to keep you sane

do you touch the CD
and feel my soft skin
as if i am right there

when you play the CD
does it skip a beat
just like
my heart does every time
i hear your voice on the radio

i guess what i am trying to say is

i miss you, do you miss me?

love does not hurt
love does not paint your body
into a mural of blues and purple
love does not raise his hands in anger
love does not use your weakness against you
love does not scare you into making choices
love does not isolate you from your
friends and family members
love is not you, John

i waited for you
to swallow your pride
but all you did
was choke on it

i finally have everything
i have ever wanted
in a human

yet it does not feel enough

he is kind
he is caring
he is artistic
he is hard working
he puts in so much effort for me

yet he is not you
he will never be you
i know that
i understand that

but ****
this is so hard

i am petrified
i will never feel
the way you made me feel

i have tried to fill
the cracks within my soul
with coconut oil
in hopes that it might
one day soften my sharp edges
and fill these empty voids
with meaning

i have tried to fill
the cracks within my soul
with cement
in hopes that it might
one day make me stronger
so no one could ever hurt me

it wasn't until
the coconut oil seeped
to the ground and
the cement crumbled
within the first earthquake of emotions
did i realize

these cracks within my soul
that i have spent years
of my life trying to cover up
make me who i am today

and that is enough

the cage of
my own making
made up of bones
and my own self hatred
has combusted at
the first touch of
self love

my bones dissolved
as the love poured
over them
the self hatred oozed
from the cracks
and escaped my body
never to be seen again

for the first time in years
peace flooded my brain
finally all that was left

was
just
m e

the fear of emotion
got me here
walls white
like the movies
no sane soul in sight

the fear of emotion
got me here
my soul has
turned to stone
nothing hurts
me anymore

the fear of emotion
got me here
lifeless rotting away
at the core

i am ready for it all
to be over now

life without emotion
is not a life worth living

that moment
when the worry
begins to seep into
my veins

that moment
when the pain
begins to play
tricks within
my brain

i feel my collarbones
and know i'll be

o k a y

they call it PTSD
but i call it
my own personal hell

playing
over
and
over

i walk into the hospital
all i see is a mixture of white shapes
all i smell is the death of happiness
i check myself in because suddenly
all of the pain i carry is too much to bare
they rush me inside the room
they are looking for the key now
to unlock the beast

i tell them no
keep the beast hidden
i buried him long ago for a reason
i locked him away so
he'd never see the light of day

they tell me the longer
he is locked away
the longer he will
keep trying to barge through
the longer my world
will continue to crumble

after days and days
of the same ****
they finally convince me
to release the beast
to set him free
to watch as he
takes advantage
of every soul in the room
as he consumes purity
within everything and anything

suddenly
everything goes black

due to the terror in my eyes
due to the terror in my mind
due to the memories that are finally free