(i)
you used to sit two seats away from me.
probably never realising the glances stolen
from behind notebooks and pencil cases.
i was happy to hear your laugh and the tapping of your feet, of your hands upon the table.
it was puppy love, it was my only.
the days you weren't there were the ones that lasted the longest
and the days you were, ironically, the fastest
i did not know how to switch the two.
but then you caught me.

(ii)
you used to sit a seat away from me.
with words that spoke softly now
and mutterings i no longer had to second guess.
to the crinkles in your eyes when you smiled
and the cuffs of your blazer a mess.
you rarely looked me in the eye
so i could never tell if you were listening but
i was just too happy to care.
but then you caught me.

(iii)
you are the gaps of my sentences.
and i am a memory you'd sooner forget.

sometimes all there isn’t ;
is us.
and that’s ok.

I found between your fingertips the unknown.
The dark beauty that bleeds
otherworldly blood.
And as is with war torn lovers
mistaking red for green.
Left us both ruined
but you perhaps more so.

download instagram, download twitter, download what’s-app, download flickr,
update I-message, update linkedin,
restore photos from iCloud bin
back-up Tinder, back-up Scruff
X’d twitter, doomscrolled enough
access Pinterest, access Ring,
screenshot snapchat, Grindr ding

face-id open, passcode close
settings, delete find your iPhone
close friends, bank app, sort code,
messenger, poke, block, link, follow, repost livestream selfie be real location tag pin dropbox camera notes volume up siri off
Wi-Fi on,bluetooth disconnected 3G 4G 5G
which account do I logon?

safari, google, duck duck go
buy apple, by android,
huawai’s cheap though

forget this for you page
forget this Alexa home
forget this algorithmic poetry
forget this phone

when the kisses turn to bites
and the mirror reflects his love
more than you-
"DONT BELIEVE IN ACCIDENTS!"
-think about the times where tenderness was supplanted by need
by want-
"WILL IT BE SATISFIED?"
-or perhaps how you never get looked in the eye-
**"I need you."

This     gap
between out lips as the kisses become longer
that     vital
intake of air to keep the love/boredom/sympathy/pity
alive    until
this is snuffed out in the hope of something tangible

take rest
beside my tongue
and i can tell you stories
only heartbroken lovers can tell.

you passed by the river
and the reflection was cast on
my curve of bank.
the current
lost it’s strength at the mouth
like words whispered in defeat.
were it not for my knowledge
of those who have drowned
i would be breathing the reeds and water
and beating against the overflow.
i think it’s human nature
fight for something
for the only thing we know.

Even if i bleed a little;
at least I'll taste something we share.

coulda let you hold me close,
love saw something deeper I suppose.

you wasn't ready
to
communicate what i really felt
you
were to much rawness
not enough
sharpness
just words thrown at paper in anger and sadness and a desire to finally get them out

i wasn't prepared to fix you up
because i'm in no position
to tell you how to be made right.

I dreamt it finally
Saw it in
all its glory.
But even in dreams
There's still no hope for  you
for me.
Soft. Silken. Warm.
Intangible, without fear
Without form.
I dreamt it finally
and to an end I hoped to see
to see you
and me.

Do not ask
to be loved in your dark
if you are unable to
love in my light.

i can't go stargazing anymore.
i mean; after the moment was ruined by a not too snarky comment
"They're dying- it's not beautiful-"
you wouldn't expect it. now i look to ceilings
with cracks and caves from upstairs dances, naming constellations
from memory

wishing i could look at my night sky stars.
without you.                                                  
                                                                          "-but this is. We're beautiful."

scar tissue
beating within my chest;
let you never know healing,
let you never know rest.

scar tissue
tapping to a one-two-one-two-time;
you know it'll never be right,
you know it'll never be fine.

scar tissue
that was once called a heart:
we can't stop the bleeding
we can't restart.

but the tides change.

Sunlight's embrace through leaves
to caress cheeks and chin;
dancing on your features.

To a computer screen.
Reflected on glasses, with
tensed teeth and eyebrow.      unseeing.

The moon sits somewhere out of view. It does not intrude.

Sleep does not take me this night.
Hazy irises seek out your face in the gloom.
found in a bed an arms-reach-eternity-   away.

                                                          (i dont want to look away)

so i watch the sun through curtains. throwing greetings upon the wall.
to caress your eyes and hair.
the first blink of morning.
a smile.

there was an old building
wooden and decrepit
filled with secrets that the children
traded in.

now it's smoothed over.
casted concrete or something similar.
it's the ghost of a house that's gone.
it's eerie how it's inviting.
It's eerie how it's inviting.
but now it's missing.

We lasted 10 months
to the dot.
it seemed almost comical
how a relationship
could be so self contained.
i wondered-
looking at the freckle on the flat of your hand
whisky coloured on the smooth brown expanse—
if giving too much was really a problem I’d have to solve by myself.
the redlines we’d both crossed
reappeared in your eyes
i couldn’t understand where the stress the pressure summoned itself
begging to blow you up
but I could understand your hopelessness when you said you don’t want me to disappear.

it was only after that early morning walk to Starbucks together where
for fear of
wasting a weekend of sun
mourning
us
i debased myself
holding your hand, putting you piggyback  and running
like if i could make it to the finish line you’d give me a consolation prize and take me back.

watching videos in your halfway home
feeling your heartbeat
slow in my arms
believing it meant
this coldness was going to
melt away and
we’d rematch and be free

Until you spoke so casually
about the life you’d now get to live
unbound & free
the tautness of my heart
snapped me back to reality
cursing until my tears choked me.

i remember
packing myself away
you standing over me asking

“How are you feeling?”

like a taunt
with my fingers
grasping through the clothes
I brought to spend
in the sun
pushed to the back of
the suitcase
I stood and
unleashed all the truths
and half truths
and lies
unspooled
months
of love
in moments
to try to leave you
scarred and raw;

“you never loved me you never meant it really you want to be free you aren’t sick you don’t want to be my friend you don’t know what you want you were lying to me and now you wont even fight for me”

but you stood glacial -
and I realised it  -
was hopeless you had already moved on -
and all ive done was -
sentence myself to exile -

out into an abyss
finding fingers in the dark
to curl around my thoughts
and leave an impression.

it's not finding a hand to hold
or to sweep out the mist.
it's to find shelter from the cold
and lips you once kissed.

corrugated;
this love like
an ugly curve.
draining the airpocket
dry.
nails, wood wounded.
all right, all right, all right then.

…………something about an end. the scope of things together. in the spiral you’re still connected to the beginning. I’m still here just falling. rewrapping the ugliness of hurt. kissing my knuckles. pushing against gravity. elbows and toes buried. in my latest growth-spite. the line drawn under  unconnected. a context of embarrassment. remember the rule about tying loose ends. speak into my night light. scratch out a chance.  take refuge by the windowsill. the downpour whispered its precedence. he’s out there. drowning standing up. our bedroom. the thunder failing to tick over. lightning like a flinch. hands in hands in gaps. i wonder if the rain knows it might not end. wonder if i might not too……………….

the fire at the corners of my eyes -
- smoke billowing -
- make blinking that much harder -
- once in awhile ash collects in an iris -
- a promise to burn things -
- blind.

a man sits in the corner
in his hands; the small bits. the aches.

I couldn’t have loved you once
in a voice holding
a feeling stronger than regret.

on shoulders not broad enough
a shadow, heavier than memory.