I'm told not to speak my mind
That I should hide my emotions
And that I can't speak the truth
Indirectly and secretly they say,
"Just let your mind **** you."

I cry most nights
As everyone else carries on with dreams and days,
I ******* love you

Why am I so easy to forget like that?

I can be happy,
I can smile and laugh,
I can make jokes.

I can be depressed,
I can frown and cry,
I can make scars.

But most importantly, I can have depression and still be happy - and it can even sometimes fluctuate between the two having no medium making me seem bipolar at times. So, don't sit there and claim I'm not depressed or don't have depression to the person I love the most who left for that reason.

I'm done with living
So game over,
And goodbye~

Earlier I relapsed
Cutting away my woes and letting my pain seep out;
But then I stopped,
Realizing how many promises I was breaking
And how many hearts I was shattering

I felt weak in my knees
Falling to the ground I cried
Ashamed and guilty
How could I do such a thing to those I love?

Panic set in,
I can't let anyone know
Because I don't want to go back to that hell
That cursed and wretched psychiatric hospital
That's more like a prison with schedules and timed everything;
Painted over windows and white walls that hold tallies of torturous days and child-like scribbles
That makes it more of a trigger than everything else

But soon enough I gathered myself;
I took a hot shower,
And stood in front of the mirror practicing my smile
While I planned what outfits to wear with foundation to hide what I've done

So now all is okay and fine,
And I'm alright;
At least,
I think so...

Maybe you're an introvert
But really bubbly and carefree among those you know best
Maybe you don't have many friends and that's okay
But sometimes you need the type of people that bring out that side of you
Maybe one day you'll get yelled at
Because you're laughing too loud in the hallway with that special best friend
As you leave class early
But all you have to tell them is,
"I'm existing loudly."

Leave a legacy,
Exist loudly

We try to hide our feelings,
but we forget that our eyes speak...

I catch your eyes
Always staring,
Watching me intently

I wonder what is your reason;
Is it just chance?
Or is it something more?

God help me, I've fallen away
The leaves are dancing on my grave

You were supposed to love me
To support and care for me all the time and for when I needed it most
You were supposed to at like an adult and a parent
But you obviously can't even do that right in life

I don't even want to call you dad
But I have to when I'm verbally talking about you because it doesn't sound right if I were to say father
If I were to call you father instead of dad then I'd be yelled at by family
But you're not close enough for me to willingly call you dad

When I do I cringe;
My skin crawls and my bones creak and ache
My stomach does flips and my mind sounds sirens
Because it's not right for me to use that name
You're nothing but a sick ******* in my eyes now
God, how could you do what you have done?
Think the things you did and still be fine with who you are?

I found out today why you were thrown back in jail again;
Why child youth services have been stopping by and asking all of these questions again
It's because you were talking to your ******* friend;
How you apparently had *** with a minor
And were talking about me,
What you wanted and had done,
Showing photos to your friend,
And discussing how you two could share me
What kind of father does that ****?
Who thinks of doing that to their own child - their own blood?

Now I just sit,
Thinking of how sick you really are and how much you disgust me
While I patiently wait for you're trial next month
So I can sit in that courtroom with a bitter glare
Praying for you to be thrown into a state penitentiary and that you get a 15-year sentence
Because as much as everyone denies it,
We made it this far
And we're all better off without you...

You're my favorite "What if"

I'm not good with feelings...

I want someone to cherish me
To be proud to call me theirs

I want someone to hug me tightly
To tell me I'm safe with them

I want someone to wipe away my tears
To help make all my problems fade away

I want someone to kiss me
To have their lips touch mine with such passion

I want someone to text and call me
To be excited when they hear from me or my voice

I want someone to find me
To be able to find the real me, see my true self and love me

I love the things you hate about yourself

You're so different;
So beautiful...

The sad part is,
You can treat me
However you want to;
Because in the end,
You know that
I'll always be here,
Waiting for you...

Do you ever feel like people just forget you exist?

I've never been to a school dance or afterschool event,
I've never been asked to one or invited by friends.
I'm always left out and excluded,
I guess I'd be too awkward and anxious anyway.
So is it silly I sit here sad that nobody has asked me to anything before?
That I sit here wishing I'd be asked to this stupid Formal?
And that I organize my makeup box I never use looking at all the brand new lipstick colors I have saved up imagining myself dressed up and pretty?
I think it is.
I think it's pathetic -
Because in reality, nobody will ask me.
And I'm just daydreaming in my head like something fierce,
Creating fantasies and false dreams that only break my heart more so tears run down my cheeks.
I'm sorry I'm not worthy of some stupid silly dance...

I cannot help but stop and look at plants
Do plants make you shiver?
Do they?

I cannot help but stop and look at small blossoms
Never forget the dazzling and opaline blooms

I cannot help but stop and look at rose blooms
Growing up into the cliche of eternal love
An overrated action towards relationships

I wonder how happy a rosebush would be
A rosebush is prickly yet artful;
A rosebush is clever, however

I love my flower
So fair and simple,
Dreamy petals
With two velvety leaves;
I’ve realized as it grows,
I feel happy

Scribbled words to form a letter
A letter I gave to you in the hall when the bell rang at 9:28
I feared I was too late
That I missed you
Only to find you following right behind my friend and I
I turned behind my friend
"This is for you."
I awkwardly said
You smiled softly, and gently accepted it with a whispered
"Thank you."
I turned back now anxious
I pulled my padfolio up to cover my mouth shyly
I glanced back to see you intently reading
I feared your reaction
After all,
I'm just some random chick with purple hair who thinks your pretty and cute,
Who wants to get to know you more and be your friend
As we parted ways and I went downstairs I looked back one last time
I saw you smiling
I exploded with happiness and literally danced down the stairs
"I think I scored myself a new friend."
I told my friend who walked next to me still
After that I smiled like a weird fool in the library
A few seconds after sitting down I saw you add me on Snapchat
I thought things were okay and things were going well
Then I knew you felt I was weird
Nothing I did seemed to work it out or turn the conversation normal
Then my friend at lunch took my phone
She asked you to formal
Sent weird photos of me
Accidentally video called you
Sent some love stuff
And just completely humiliated me and crushed the tiny chance of being friends
I jinxed myself saying I might see you later
Because as soon as those words left my mouth
You rounded the corner
Our eyes locked and all I got was a small, uncomfortable, weirded out smile
I hit and pushed my friend who took my phone and did that
I screamed at her embarrassed and knowing that now everything was ruined
She laughed
She doesn't care and it's a joke now
I walked to class and sat here on the verge of tears
Everyone hates me
I'm meant to be alone and hated...

With raised hands we
Joined together creating a
Revolution as we
United as one
Voice spoke by a
Galaxy of people

You shook my hand
And touched my soul
Burning my heart
And poisoning my skin

I'm finished and I'm done
Now everyone knows

My breathing is shallow,
The air is too thin,
The demons are screaming,
I think they might win.

My vision is blurry,
My heart rate is slow,
No therapy can save me,
I think I'm letting go...

Lull early morning
A field, small flowers sway soft
With singing blossoms

One night where you can be whoever and whatever you want to be
A superhero, an animal, a princess - a dream

But some can be nightmares,
Crazed clowns and ghostly ghouls running about the streets
The thrill of scaring others merely a game to them,
Bringing an uneasiness to those around them filling them with delight
But we don't care
For those who dress up get rewarded with treats and snacks for trying to be someone we're not
Ironic really,
Identity theft, lying, and deception are looked down upon
Taught to us as wrong
Yet,
On October 31st it is encouraged
It's played off as some meaningless little thing
And it is
But if you look into it more deeply,
View everything from the perspective of a poet or a writer
And you'll see the small things;
Hidden little treasures for us dreamers to find
And our reward is a magnificent piece of art
A piece of literature where our words and thoughts are spread among the world
Where our words are only truly appreciated and understandable by other like-minded folks
And I suppose this is something only those people of my kind actually get...

I often see a boy whom I pass in the halls
It seems that every time I notice him
He also notices me;
Our eyes always find each other
Until we realize how awkward it is
And then we change the direction of our sight
But we part ways content with the other's presence;
As if we both check off our little run in off our daily routine schedule;

And we've done this since day one of this school year,
So when I noticed him yesterday I thought about if I ended my life
I thought about how people say you'll impact people you don't even know;
Those who don't even speak to you,
Maybe just someone you pass every day or even a secret admirer
So I found myself asking myself,
'Would it affect him?'
I still sit here asking myself that over and over,
'Would he be affected?'

Because maybe just us acknowledging each other helps him get through the day
Or maybe just seeing me helps him feel calm knowing familiar surroundings
Now I pass him in the halls and as our eyes catch the other's gaze I mentally think,
'Would you care if I was gone?'
As if this shy freshman can hear me telepathically and respond back
I wish I knew the answer...

I just want someone to just be truly happy over me.
Happy to see me,
Happy to hear from me,
And happy to know me.

Currently,
I feel no emotions;

I'm not weighted down by sadness and heartbreak
Because you're not around
But I'm not filled excitement and happy
Just because you're not around

Yes, I've let go of some emotions
But I still want you as a friend
So I've put a leash on my heart now,
Can you come back now?

My parents warned me
About drugs on the streets,
But never about the ones with
Big brown eyes
And a heartbeat

I never understood how one person could love two or more
Until I realized I was unknowingly doing just that,
I thought I had finally moved on from her
Oh, how wrong I was,
Jealousy enraged I became protective in my mind
I wanted to call her mine,
I wanted her for myself
But yet I could not have her,
So close yet so far away
For those boundaries could not be touched by friends,
So I guess I shall just remain in the background
A person to vent to and a third wheel,
The admirer who adores from afar
Your best friend...

She needed a hero,
So that's what she became...

You're
Pretty
Much
My
Most
Favorite
Of
All
Time
In
The
History
Of­
Ever.

Trust me, I know exactly how it feels.
I know exactly how it feels to cry
In the shower so no one can hear you.
I know exactly how it feels to wait for everyone
To fall asleep so you can fall apart.
For everything to hurt so bad you
Just want it all to end.
I know exactly how it feels...

I want to do things
Bad things;
Incredibly illegal things
That many look down upon
And reasons why friends leave you

I want to do things that'll label me,
Things that'll **** me quicker than I'm already dying
And things that could get me in trouble if I'm caught

I want to do unspeakable things
I want to sneak out,
Running around with random strangers in the night
Shaking from the thrill and fear

Sipping Angry Orchard and smoking blunts
My lips dance in sync with others
While hands roam;
I want to be daring,
I want to act dangerous,
I want to feel alive...

The wind blowing
Flowers of all kinds
Throwing them into a beautiful dance;
Soft petals and rose blossoms
Creating sweet scents
Inviting bumblebees and other buzzy creatures
To help them live

We danced in winter;
Shining suspense here

Only fools fall for you,
So I guess that's why I did too

Finding loopholes and skipping class;
Playing substitutes like pawns

We try to sneak away together,
My best friend and I

Making petty lies -
We smudge reality and falsity

Our second year of high school
And we're already aces of forged passes and coming up with smoothly said ******* excuses when questioned

It is in between classes when we roam the halls
That we hatch our plans and ideas, building excuses

A few failed attempts
Though we still have many tallies on our side of success

There is an in between that no one likes to talk about
And that my friend, is home to me