Last night I stared at my scars
And I realized how much I missed them...

Whose butterfly is that? I think I know.
Its owner is quite angry though.
She was cross like a dark potato.
I watch her pace. I cry hello.

She gives her butterfly a shake,
And screams I've made a bad mistake.
The only other sound's the break,
Of distant waves and birds awake.

The butterfly is bear, running and deep,
But she has promises to keep,
Tormented with nightmares she never sleeps.
Revenge is a promise a girl should keep.

She rises from her cursed bed,
With thoughts of violence in her head,
A flash of rage and she sees red.
Without a pause I turned and fled.

I haven't done it in a while,
But seeing the faded outline of my friends,
The scars that make me feel calm,
Made me want them back

I used to run my fingers along the cuts
As if I was reading braille to soothe my head;
Because I felt like those fresh wounds,
Were my only friends along with my blades

Those blades and the scars that accompanied them were something I could count on,
No matter how bad my day was I could cry all night
And sit in the bathroom mirror and talk to myself as I stared into my own eyes
Letting my blade dance across my skin,
Leaving a beautiful red trail;
The stinging sensation that came after that turned into the blissful pleasure,
That wonderful feeling I once loved was something I couldn't remember
Until today;

I wasn't even sad at the moment
It was just something my mind drove me to do out of sheer nostalgia
Because seeing the faded outlines of my scars
Counting each one replaying the night I created them
And remembering how close they were to me and that they were once my friends
Brought it all back;

So I threw a little self-harm depression party once again,
I created this little get together
And invited those old friends and demons of mine
Where my blade once again danced
And my scars then cried red;
Where I stared into my dark chocolate brown eyes
And let tears of my own claw their way out;
Where I smiled and laughed, talking to myself saying how much I missed the stinging pleasure
And relapsed again for the first time in a while

I thought about how what I was doing was something so wrong
And I told myself I was sadistic for laughing because I missed the sensation
But my god does it feel so right
I guess that's why so many people
Do all these things that slowly **** them;
Just as I do with self-harm...

I don't think this is working out;
You and I that is...

She's like a wildflower,
Beautiful and carefree
She goes with the flow
And finds beauty in everythin'
Her only motivation - the sun and the wind
The ability to love herself, a power within
She counts the bumblebees as they buzz by
While some come to stay others just say 'Bye.'
She treats them kindly and gives them her all
Sweet and vulnerable, in hopes they don't sting
After all, herself,
Another human being

I've been trying to be more social
To step out of my own little comfort bubble
But I guess I got carried away,
I just enjoyed what new things I've done a little too much
So I apologize to those I've now annoyed
I guess I got too happy and clingy
So now I know to not be social
To just stay hidden away and disappear...

I always daydream about dying,
That one day I'll die in some bad way.
I yearn for death,
All because I'm tired of living.

Part of me thinking it'd be some heartbreaking movie
Or a depressing book that messes with your mind
Where nobody cares,
Nobody comes to see me in the hospital,
And nobody tries to save me;

Part of me thinking it'd be some heartbreaking movie
Or a depressing book that messes with your mind
Where people care,
People do come to see me in the hospital,
And people do try to save me...

I daydream I'll die from cancer,
That one day I'll be told I have stage 3 or 4 something.
Cancer runs in my family.
So, it's messed up but I often find myself pleading that I'll finally be diagnosed with it.
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a school shooter,
That one day someone walks in with a gun and I'm the only one or one of the kids that dies.
We've had threats at our school a few years ago.
I wanted to go to school for that fairly good chance that something happened.
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a tragic car accident,
That one day the car crashes and I'm the only one who dies or is seriously injured.
I was in a car accident about 3 months ago.
If that man hit us 2 seconds later then he would've flipped the car,
And I didn't have my seatbelt on.
I would've been dead or in critical condition as my mother told me along with the officer who thought I had it on.
I never wear my seatbelt for that reason,
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a murderer or robber,
That one day I'll come home and be the first one to arrive just like usual and someone else whose identity is unknown.
Our trailer was broken into a few years ago.
Oh, how I wished whoever was there was still hiding somewhere,
I searched in my closet and under my bed hopeful I'd find someone and when I did they'd **** me.
All because I want everything to end...

I always daydream about dying,
That one day I'll die in some bad way.
I yearn for death,
All because I'm tired of living...

I like the feeling of tight sports bras
To hide what little I have
And to make me feel secure

I like the feeling of tight sleeping bags wrapped around me
To hold me
And to make me feel like someone else holds me as I rest

I like the feeling of tight cozy jackets and sweaters
To soothe my soul
And to make me feel snuggly

I like the feeling of wires, ropes, and belts wrapped tightly around my throat
To cut off my circulation
And to watch my face turn a nice dark red-purple

Why am I so easy to forget like that?

Earlier I relapsed
Cutting away my woes and letting my pain seep out;
But then I stopped,
Realizing how many promises I was breaking
And how many hearts I was shattering

I felt weak in my knees
Falling to the ground I cried
Ashamed and guilty
How could I do such a thing to those I love?

Panic set in,
I can't let anyone know
Because I don't want to go back to that hell
That cursed and wretched psychiatric hospital
That's more like a prison with schedules and timed everything;
Painted over windows and white walls that hold tallies of torturous days and child-like scribbles
That makes it more of a trigger than everything else

But soon enough I gathered myself;
I took a hot shower,
And stood in front of the mirror practicing my smile
While I planned what outfits to wear with foundation to hide what I've done

So now all is okay and fine,
And I'm alright;
At least,
I think so...

My pink pen
That I use to write sweet heartfelt letters
Or to write poems about a certain some one
Is now shattered;
Guess I'll no longer be writing any more letters or poems with my special pen

There's a girl
Who I've never seen before until last week,
She passed me as I was working the cafe -
The perfect natural shade of red-orange hair;
****,
Her hair was enough to make me fall in love and go crazy over her
Her messenger sling bag over her left shoulder
Thick homemade cloth headband keeping her hair pushed back
I wondered if her name was Autumn
It should be,
Her ravishing hair would make it all fall together perfectly
And I never thought I'd see her again,
But I did

After I closed up she was waiting outside of her next classroom
I told myself it was just pure coincidence,
But I saw you yet again Miss

Friday I was working the coffee cart making deliveries
And I stopped
Only to see you come down the stairs,
A few seconds of uncertainty rang through me
I could only tell by your hair
But at that moment,
You wore a long cardigan sweater with a hood over your head
And as I started to look away slightly disappointed it was as if you heard my mind;
Your hands came up grasping the edge of the cloth
As you swiftly flipped it down;
I never knew
Such a simple action could be so magical and graceful until then
I saw you in all your elegance
And my heart raced;
Such a prepossessing creature

Love tell me,
Why are you so **** gorgeous?

I remained staring at you,
Smiling like a ***** as other people saw me and passed,
But you kept walking away
Your back to me and knee-high boots clicking away
Madam,
Is this still just a coincidence?
Or is this now destiny for us to meet?

I love the things you hate about yourself

You don't hate this disobedient side of me
So to which I thank you
But on top of that,
You choose to walk along with me;
The two of us now bad rebels together

I like us and what we've become
What our friendship has blossomed into
We should act like this more often
Because I'm tired of being perfect and good
It's overrated and boring
So lets see what the other side has to offer...

The fire alarm went off
The shrill screaming of the sirens sounding loudly in my ears
I oddly feel at peace among the chaos
The principal passed me
Giving me a wink and a smile when he saw me
'I'm a prized student to them. No one suspects a thing.'

I then walked past the office
And I passed my guidance counselor;
I passed the vice principal
And then the assistant principal
Along with everyone else that works in the office,
All of them clueless I was just sipping some margarita earlier

I love being daring

Revving engine there you go,
Twisting the throttle of your Harley Davidson

Sunglasses down, a small smirk upon your face
You think you're better than everyone
You stupid mosquito

I'm so sick of being blamed,
Getting yelled at for adults' and teachers' mistakes
All because of the "she said, he said" bull

I've devoted so much time into my job
I've been a good student with honor and higher grade classes
I've always gone the extra mile and scored those brownie points
Yet now I'm on lockdown

Who knew acting out and skipping classes for once
All due to my mother's threats of kicking me out along with my suicidal thoughts
Would bring everyone to ******* hate me

Haha but listen here,
I won't give up that easily;
I'll bite back with venom and fangs while you try to toss me in a cage
I'll show you I'm the one who ******* rules my life
And that I make my own decisions
Even if that means ending my own life

You shook my hand
And touched my soul
Burning my heart
And poisoning my skin

She rises from her bitter bed,
With thoughts of sadness in her head,
She idolises being dead.
Facing the day with never ending dread.

That moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that breaks your heart...

He smelled of a bonfire;
Burnt wood and charcoal ashes
With a hint of a dewy forest musk

Why must it be him?
Where have you gone?

I'm being told by others that you may be the one
The person who's supposed to love me
Treat me right

I'm being told by you that you care
The reasons why you enjoy talking to me
Love me greatly

I shouldn't still love you,
For that annoys you greatly,
But I do
And no matter how many apps you block and unfollow me on
I still check in to see how you are

I read your posts hoping you mention you miss me
And I ask the friends we share to unlock your thoughts on me
As I lay in bed on these cold lonely nights
Reading our old messages,
Looking at the photos I still have of you saved in my phone,
And finding nostalgia in screenshots of all of my favorite things you've said

Now you didn't know but I had an idea I wanted to do for you,
Something I'd give you when we met which was supposed to be over the summer;
I wanted to make a personalized notebook,
Fill it with my favorite quotes from you,
Poems I write about you,
And even the reasons why I love you so you'd never forget;
And everyone said that was a really sweet idea
So I'd daydream of you keeping that forever

That one day we'd be married and look back at it as we cuddled, smiling back at the memories
That we'd share it with our child{ren} and show them how to enjoy the simple things
Oh honey, whatever happened to that?
Our shared dream of us singing to our child{ren} every night as you strummed away on your guitar?
I guess I'll just sit here and hope you'll maybe one day come back,
Realize what you've left behind and what an amazing girl I really am

But that's just me hoping
Ignoring the fact that you've left me,
Ran for the hills and ditched town,
And that you're already far gone...

My parents warned me
About drugs on the streets,
But never about the ones with
Big brown eyes
And a heartbeat

They were good flowers,
So I hope you enjoyed them
And I know they weren't the best
But if they made you smile,
That's all that matters in the end

Hang a rope 'round my neck
Say goodbye, write the check

Only fools fall for you,
So I guess that's why I did too

She needed a hero,
So that's what she became...

I was rushing up the stairs from the basement to get to class
When a blur of orange came down the stairs from the upper floor
And fell into line next to me

I looked over doing a doubletake at the wavy colored hair next to me
'It's not her,'
I mentally told myself
'For her hair is too light.'
So I now apologize to whoever you are for staring,
I just needed to know if you were my Autumn Girl
But I was so caught up in seeing who you were and your hair
That I ended up running into the real Autumn Girl;
Literally

I faced forward again only to run into something
And to cause things to scatter about falling to the ground;
My anxiety spiked and only got worse once I saw who you were
It was my Autumn Girl

We both bent down, collecting the mess I caused
"I'm so sorry, I apologize, I didn't mean -"
I was stuttering out words when you cut me off,
"Oh no don't worry about it. It's alright."
God darling,
Your voice is so calming,
Silvery and smokey -
It was as if you spoke words of honey;
Dripping from your lips
Thick and sweet
I just want to drown in it

But as I was memorized by your voice,
We touched;
I handed you one of your books as your hand brushed mine
Your skin so silky,
I hope you know you're a **** angel love

You smiled as we stood back up,
Nodding your head with a small
"Thank you."
Gracefully walking off

I hurried over, resting my hand upon the wall
Watching you walk off in beauty -
Careless of the people who could be staring

And in that moment I decided I'm going to attempt to write a letter
In hopes we actually get to talk more
God please don't let this end in ruin too...

I want someone to cherish me
To be proud to call me theirs

I want someone to hug me tightly
To tell me I'm safe with them

I want someone to wipe away my tears
To help make all my problems fade away

I want someone to kiss me
To have their lips touch mine with such passion

I want someone to text and call me
To be excited when they hear from me or my voice

I want someone to find me
To be able to find the real me, see my true self and love me

Most times I imagine myself committing suicide
And actually dead,
I find myself running away from my home
Only time end my life somewhere alone in the woods

A few times I see myself going behind my best friend's house
Others the woods near my home;
Sometimes going somewhere where I know nobody would think of looking
But rarely in my home in the bathroom

I know exactly how things would go if I did it at my trailer home;
In the early morning hours, I'd cut and overdose on my pills I've saved up,
My mother would try to come in the bathroom at 6:45am when she wakes my brother up for school
The door will be locked, she'll call out my name thinking I missed the bus
Though she'll receive no response and can't get in
So my mother will wake up her boyfriend and ask him to unlock it
Only for them to find me on the ground unconscious

But if I left my home,
No one would know where to start looking
And I'd be successful -

The End

If you could take all the words
In the language,
It still wouldn't describe how much
I love you;
I love you more than everything

Velvety paint
Upon wings
Creating elegance
And grace;
Angelic creatures
Flutter around
Traveling miles
Landing gently
On some
Rose blooms
Staring again
Another day

I am now a joke,
A weird freak among a 3rd period senior math class
All because I tried to make a new friend,
And all because I gave a compliment

So I did a lot of thinking over the weekend,
I made some decisions,
I have realized now that I no longer love you
And I no longer want to try and make new friends,
Because you're the most fantastic friend I've ever had
And that is something I don't want to lose

I know I was selfish,
I was hurting so I did some stupid things
But I had realizations,
I made some changes

I ask now if you'll accept my apology,
Let me back into your life
Hear me out please and talk to me,
Because this silence is hell
And I'm constantly reminded of the memories we share
I want my friend back;

I miss our jokes
And weird things we do,
But most of all I miss you
And all the magnificent wonders that you hold...

I cannot help but stop and look at plants
Do plants make you shiver?
Do they?

I cannot help but stop and look at small blossoms
Never forget the dazzling and opaline blooms

I cannot help but stop and look at rose blooms
Growing up into the cliche of eternal love
An overrated action towards relationships

I wonder how happy a rosebush would be
A rosebush is prickly yet artful;
A rosebush is clever, however

You said you'd always be there
But,
You left
And now I don't know where you are
Nor do I want to look desperate searching everywhere for you

Today my bus was a little late
So 27, 71, and 42 arrived all at the same time;
Mine, my best friend's, and then "******'s" as we call him

My best friend wandered off and returned
Only to sit in the bay window two windows away,
And "******" greeted me for the first time ever,
He walked up to me, greeting me with a sincere smile
Something he's never done before

Another friend standing by told me something,
She told me he had his signature blank expression as he walked up to me
How she gave him a nod as in a "What's up" motion
To which he replied back, emotionless

But when I turned to him and my eyes met his
His face light up;
He smiled and seemed glad that I was there
"******" didn't worry about my best friend who he claims loves so deeply

Soon our trio was roaming the halls together
Though, not long after we set off he said that we need to talk later
In that serious tone he used with my best friend when they were off and on

What are you thinking?
What are you planning?
Why did you smile?
Does it mean anything?

With the knowledge that my skin is healing
That my cuts are fading
Makes me want to create more
So my "friends" never leave
And my little relapse depression party can rave on

I've been up since Monday,
Not an ounce of sleep
I feel so dead inside
But that ain't stopping me -
From smiling on the outside

Because a song I listened to last night,
That provoked certain thoughts and urges,
Said that it doesn't matter what's on the inside;
That you need to shove it deep down inside and just smile
Because only what's on the surface matters

So that's what I've been doing so far -
In the 2 hours I've been in public and around my best friend
I've smiled and threw jokes out
Laughing perfected fake laughs
Pretending that I'm sleeping while the world was dreaming
That I was having a happy dream in a cozy slumber

I pretend I wasn't crying all night long, alone
As I convinced myself that my best friend didn't need me;
When I get in those episodes where the need to die is so strong,
I can never really imagine a scenario where she cares or wants me around

But there's one scenario - one moment where she vaguely does
And it's when I see myself in my casket being lowered into my grave
I can see her sad and crying sometimes depending on the night
But others she just stares, remotely sad

Though, what do I care?
I'm dead and free

What's it matter Makayla?
You're nothing to everyone.