you don't know how it feels
the strength it takes
facing each day
each day the sun breaks
through the clouds
is a rainbow
but the storm still rages
and the hurt takes new form
as you open your eyes
you see the light
it burns
pull the shades you're still in pain
a pill can't cure
you put your life
your future
into the hands with the knife
you must be ready
you must be sure
are you ready
i don't know
stop asking if i'm okay
this isn't life
this isn't real
this isn't me

memories
i don't remember
the land is foreign
in my brain
i don't remember where
i'm going
i don't recall what i say
humiliation
close the shades

knocked down a notch
after just i climbed up
the rope
i finally found myself
and now i must let go
swinging, swaying
it isn't safe
but it is life
and i barely hold on
but forcibly
each day breaks
i push myself
through the dark
open the shades
and i go on

am i ready?
how do i feel today?

i am ready to jump
and let it sway

i need to cry
but who can i call?
it's late
and you're sleeping
it's been a long day after all

i need to cry
but who can hold me?
it will be okay
it's not so bad
is what you've always told me

i need to cry
but i am here alone
each tear falls in silence
no one hears it
no one's home

i need to cry
but it may not stop
the ache in my heart
will hemorrhage
and it's the only life i've got

i need to cry
because it isn't fair
a thousand knives
into the core of my being
by saying he won't be there

i need to cry

i need to.

light a candle in the wind
if you dare to take chance
and waltz on the moon
for our very last dance
my prince of the sunrise
my lovely dark knight
you shine brighter than heaven
oh, love what a sight!
your breath on my neck
is a passion of gold
your grasp on my heart
reaches down to my soul
our lives remain questioned
our future is blind
so enclose the tips of your fingers
so deeply in mine
when I look into your eyes
i know i am home
when you speak tongues of life
i know i'm never alone

i'll lay down my life
as your lips kiss my brow
the fire you create
please don't put it out now
this is not a replacement
nor a humble goodbye
but rather preparation
for the difficult times
though we shall not bear witness
to the back of our minds
let us just keep on dancing
until our bodies decline

for even in death,
your heart will always be mine.

pain will keep you from living a normal life
what's normal anymore?
pain will make you not want to get out of bed in the morning
pain will make you eager to go to sleep at night
pain will make you wonder if you'll wake up

pain will compromise your confidence in your own sanity
what's sane anymore?
pain will make you cry until your eyes stop working
pain will make you ***** every chance of healing you ever had
pain will take the air from your lungs until you stop breathing

i don't want to be in pain anymore

i'm afraid to watch you die
fear of not being strong enough to see you through as i've sought strangers
love never ends but the body decays
and who's to say i won't climb into your grave?
i've never had to be without you
if you count the years i've been alive
you've held my heart for over half of that time
how do i go on when you die?

i kiss you so deeply so i won't forget the taste
i hold you so tight so i won't forget the feel of your softened skin against my face
i run my hands through your curly hair so i won't forget the touch
i lay my head on your chest at night so i won't forget how your heart beats so much

and all the while i create your memory
i pray to keep you forever
if God must take you first
i will only get through life after
knowing He will bring us back together
curing the never ending hurt

somber it may seem
but you see, i think about it too
i can't imagine life, nor death, nor an eternity
i just can't imagine to exist without you
they say soulmates aren't real
that love at first sight is never due
but i know what i saw
when we first locked eyes
and i can speak from a heart full of love
that

it's true

it gets lonely sometimes

a heap of bile gathers in my throat
as i watch my world go up in smoke
and fail to understand the purpose of regret that's spoke

in my mind i painted the vision
and the brush perfects the image at every stroke
yet reality reminds me the paint must dry
before it can offer any hope

there it is; excuses, here they come
that's me.. always trying to alter the picture when it's done
because the sight isn't what i hoped to see
and here i stand; starting from square one

fear sets in and i feel i just may choke
so i try to erase what it has become

but it's too late; and i can't even cry
this has never happened to me
i'm lost and i'm free
and a part of me has died

tell me, what is it really like?
to see your world go up in smoke?
to create a picture unlike one you've ever seen, to feel that scream in your throat?
to paint a picture you just cannot change no matter how many times it's been erased?
to not give up, not give in but just let life take it's place?

i touch the canvas;
it's rough at the edges,
but it's smooth inside

which tells me i can still attempt a change of heart
even after the paint has dried.

Why not the ******* who just robbed the old man at the corner store
Why not the lady who crack induced her own abortion because she didn't want a baby no more
Why not the gang banger who killed a man just for his name
Why not the dishonest greedy businessman who's always begging for change
Why not the creep at church that gets away with touching little kids
Why not the guilty pastor that knew about it yet acted like he never did
Why not the ungrateful mother that enjoys bullying her seed
Why not the evil grandkids at gravesites holding their hands out in open greed
Why do people like this don't feel as much hurt and suffering
Why does it seem my life is just a living offering?

lost in a world that was once mine
it gets better or worse or indifferent
as it goes by
who knew it to be the healing i'd see
a bit of of bitterness over time
but you ask and i always say
i'm fine

the colors i see are complex in shades
some words are foreign to me
right from the page
in my head you say is a box of lies
just a shallow pity brigade
so ignore the tears in my eyes
hopes shatter and fade

pain is an excruciating promise
that the current host remains the strongest
misunderstandings and judgmental tongues
will clean the slates of blood from beatings done and i am left with
scars from all of this

kindness and love are rationed into moments more deserving
as if it is only when i may die
that you find me worthy
to shed a tear of hurt in an existence you don't know
yet you still mimic what's before me

a mockery you have made of total devastation
to a life once radiant with positive preservation
on mornings i can't bear to face the day
you throw daggers in my back
in accusations

this disease it steals my life
it has much ransacked my brain
but you,
you
you have taken everything else away

and i've nothing left to gain

Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed in the morning
You know anything can change
You know what is to come
You see what is to be
You already feel the pain
So you turn over as time is still ticking away
In hopes maybe a dream of two can help you stay
In hopes anything can keep you
From facing the reality of today
The fear sets in for tomorrow
You ask God for an answered prayer to borrow
And soon that day has come
You got up and stepped out
And now that day is done
And here you lay once again
Tucked deep in that emotional fear
Because just like that
Today became yesterday
And tomorrow is already here
There is no control of what will be
You can't put a time on tragedy
You can't hide from grief
You can't live on the notion you know it will happen
Don't let death be a thief

Take the sun from the rain
Use wisely the time you've been given
Because there's nothing worse than waking up in the morning
And being afraid of livin'

Maya was murdered behind
Union station while beggars held out their
Rainboots for change and while the
Diner workers made food until fully
Exhausted and hobos hung out along the stair
Rails smoking cigars

She was once beautiful until
He took it away and left bruises in her
Eyes which were a dusk fall evening gray

While her mother paced the porch and dad
Racing home their baby never returned
Only her memory had burned deep into
Their minds and hardened their souls
Everyone hurt when Maya didn't say no

you are leaving us now
God is calling you Home
and as we wait selfishly and angrily
unknowingly saying
...refusing to say goodbye to you
we hold back our tears
we can't let you see us cry
because deep down we know
you want to stay here too
the fight you have given
over the course of time
has inspired the heart of the world
and has reconstructed mine
watching you go through hell
and keeping your mind
staying with a smile
even as you decline
and with every treatment
and with every transfusion
you proved to us over and over again
the power of God isn't just
an illusion
for you have beat the odds
time and time again
you have kicked the crap out of the devil
right til the very end
I cannot say goodbye
because that's a message
I cannot send
For in these last few years
you have become far more than a patient
you have become a friend
I will remember your laugh
and how you joked through all the pain
I will remember how much you hated
using that blasted walker and cane

The memories are worth a visit
and soon it will be the only way to find you
but just know,
even if we cannot be there in physicality
in spirit we are always right beside you

You read my poetry in an attempt to understand me
versus an attempt to read literature
or fiction
or art
So you pick apart each sentence
and each syllable
and each subject
and you try so hard to figure me out
You want to know what I was thinking when I wrote this poem
or that poem
but what that tells me is perhaps you aren't even reading them at all
Although what poets express comes from the debths of our creative closets and emotional state
you must still open up your mind and soak up the words for what they are
Not for who I am

pain in this case is a necessity--
self inflicted to heal the hurt;
causing waves and ripples
of emotions--
quite priceless for what it’s worth

I became a lost soul
and you had already been lost
in the midst of darkness
we found each other

in the midst of our words
our ******* words, you know
they have power
so much power

and as the days went on
the nights got longer
our weakness turned to love
our love became stronger

I gave in
to what I said I wouldn't
I tried to hold back
sadly I couldn't

and here I sit
missing something that
...never was
and hoping
for something that
....never could be

because I love you
and i miss you
and becoming engaged
in floetry
wasn't only for me
like you had presented
it to be

...ha.
not such a fool I am,
you see?

I love myself enough
to know I have an addiction
to things that give me life
to feelings that are
different

oh the ache
oh the pain
you devoured my soul
into your wretched world
and I felt safe
...I felt safe

bleeding these words
on a screen
licking my wounds
until the sin
is washed clean

you cannot hear my screams
you'll never see my tears
though it is killing me slowly
to walk away so lonely

but I have a heart
...a heart to shield
to keep it beating
I must rule the day

you truly are such
a gentleman
a lovely beaut
wrapped in a lie
soaked in a cheat

and u can't even see
your own deceit

My God
Whom art in Heaven
Hallowed be Your name
Your Kingdom come
and Your will be done
and as I look to the sky
I see your promise written in gold
I see the mountains and valleys
and lakes in between
I see the mansions You have built;
just for me
I see the angels standing at the top of the staircase
welcoming home new souls at the gates only read about in the written word..

and who is this God that has allowed me to see such visions?
The Father of Christ of course
The God of Abraham
the only light which shineth so bright in the darkness that not even the dark itself can comprehend
Man on earth will call me foolish,
but man of God will know what I speak is the truth
and what I've seen is
the way
and what I tell you is
the life

My God
Whom art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
thy Kingdom come
Your will be done
on Earth as it is in Heaven
And as I walk this earth my Lord,
help me follow the footsteps of Your son
and help those souls who do not believe
to see what you have shown me
just as I've seen it
until I touch every single one

everytime I think of
killing myself
i wonder who will mourn me

will it be the same people
i asked for help
that ignored me?

everytime I think of
killing myself
i wonder what comes after

will I burn in hell
for changing time--
chaos and disaster?

everytime I think of
killing myself
I wonder how I'd do it

and if I'd have
the courage
to actually go through it

every time I think of
killing myself
i wonder if it ever ends

but the pain remains
in after life
as i try to make amends

where lost souls thrive
to stay alive
i may be left for dead

not good enough to bear your ring
not well enough to birth your child
not good enough seasoning
to taste i see
sweet baby stay awhile

you see that sun is rising again
and setting on the mountain tops
it rained last night and the dew drops
are stuck like glue on the windowsill
where your pie is warm and waiting still
but the crust is too soft to make you smile

so i throw my apron back on to sift my fingers in old flour trying to make anew
what's left from the recipe before
an uneaten slice or two
satisfied my buds to center core
but you always hold up your hand;
no more

i stare out the window at all these pies lined up one after the other and wonder what kind of baker do i need to be
to make you eat all the efforts that reach for your belly
though they never reach for me

it's a love i'll never get but i won't fret
sweet baby stay away ahile
i'm not ready for you to go just yet
not good enough for your garden
not good enough for your life
but i must be good enough for something

we watched it rain another night.

because
The words; they just keep coming
You feel the heat rise
From the pit of your insides
and you can't ignore it
in fact you adore it
The buildup of emotion
The release of commotion
It feels so good you scream
It doesn't matter who hears it
you know what it means

Father God I come to you
So that I may be healed
Or at least to **** the pain
It's becoming hard to deal
Every day I think
Of what it might be like
To take control of fate
And take my own life
Father God I know it's not right
And this is why I have come to You
You are the Truth the Way and the Life
There isn't anything You can't do
So Heavenly Father this is all I ask
That I am given strength to endure
For I know what is to come
And I know there is no cure
What frightens me is not the end
But the path I take to see it
I'm not afraid to die
and if it's coming then so be it
But I dont want to go by my
Very own hand
Because the world will never understand and i'll never be forgiven
And I'll be wandering about in spirit
Just as I do on land

This physical world seems to be one big test and Lord, I need Your help
I don't feel as strong as the rest and I just can't do this by myself

Won't you hear my cry Lord?
Won't you hear my my prayer?
The Bible tells me walk by faith, not by sight
but just show me that You're there

And God, this is my prayer

Watching someone die in a hospital is not as glamorous as they make it seem in the movies
It is gut wrenching
It is awful
We are medically trained to know exactly whats happening,
making it worse
(Yes it hurts the heart of the nurse)
Watching the body shut down
***** by *****
system by system
Watching someone struggle to walk
an struggle to stand
They can't no longer eat because they have lost ability to swallow
and may still be hungry
A face gone so hollow that at one time was lovely
They struggle so hard to breathe we now put them on oxygen
Sit them upright, and say it's okay
We give them drugs to ease the pain
And now they are blinking and unaware
The eyes wander but there's nobody there
And the gasping for hope is the last function left
And we hold their hands as they take their last breath
And we are left to hand them to the families that don't know what to do

then we go back to the nurse's station because we need to cry too

a thousand knives
to slash the throat of the beast
who used my innocence as prey

behold his head upon the rock
mounted just above my fire place
his debt was much repaid

I praise God as I cry
Hallelujah!
Lord I love You!

In my pain
In my sorrow
In today
In tomorrow
In my sickness
In good health
In my debt
In my wealth

I praise God as I cry
Hallelujah!
Lord I love You!

Many friends
Many foes
Many smiles
Many woes
Many successes
Many falls
Many dreams
Many draws

I praise God as I cry
Hallelujah!
Lord I love You!

i looked back
and saw every word
you have spoken to me

written
to
someone
else

not telling
any lies
it's a ****** up world
anyway

and the wall goes
right back up

wrapping my heart
back in suit and armour

no entry
no longer allowed.

we're coming up on one year
since you've been gone
and as i look at all the changes that have happened in this life of mine since you departed
it seems as if one year has been far too long
i could really use a hug from you today
you know, one of your specialty embraces you so easily and wholeheartedly gave away
i could really stand to see the smile on your face
that same smile that could stop the devil in his pace
your energy
your will
it's all still here
even though you died in the flesh
your spirit remains in the clear
and i have the honor of knowing a spirit of such
one of unimaginable happiness
with the most caring of touch

thank you for the years you were here
and for still watching down over all of us

we still miss you.

All my life
All my life
All I have ever wanted
was to make you proud of me
All my life I have fought so hard
so hard
to get you to be proud
and here I sit in tears
because instead of telling me how much I've done
I only hear about how much I've ****** up over the years
But you don't see my pain
you only see someone lazy
and unmotivated
loving the wrong man
losing more than I gain
not finding my way
and all the while you sheltered me so I couldn't grow
I'm now a late bloomer
lost in this ****** economy
waiting for a break
waiting for my show
I move at a snail's pace
but I've busted my ***, you know

The things you say to get under my skin
they don't just hurt inside
they hurt my confidence
they hurt my being
they damage my pride
And if this is just a trickling down of your own misery
and though you say you
only want what's best for me
I can honestly see now why I hide

So instead of breaking me down
how about you bring me up?
How about you give me a congrats
a nice pat on the back
not drive me into the ground

Because every ******* thing I have ever done in my **** of a life
I have done to make you proud

I say I am strong in my voice
You say "only the strong remain quiet"
I say I am nervous
You say "you're overreacting"
I say my passion is to help others
You say I only "seek attention"
I say my battles have been rough
You say my battles "aren't that bad"
I say I've been through a lot
You say "others have been through worse"
I say I miss my hair
You you say "at least you didn't lose it all"
I say I feel ugly
You say "it's not a big deal"
I say I am afraid what's to come
You say "at least you're better than before"
I say the world is cruel
You say "I am different"
I say I don't feel good today
You say "you should be better by now"
I say sometimes I cry
You say "for what"
I say I'm overcome
You say I'm "over thinking"

I say nothing
you say "why are you so quiet?"

i know i love you
and i know we're
different
i know we're strong
so please just
listen
i know it's hard
it's life
they say
so let's try and
cherish today
i don't like
talks that
expose our flaws
imperfections
is not who we are
we are warmth
we are laughter
we are one
you are my life
i am your moon
you are my sun
having moments just like
day and night
we see rain
we feel thunder
but the rotation
it's just right

insecurities
dreams
hopes
aspirations
will **** us both
if we don't seek affirmation
we've both been
broken
down to the ash
on our knees
we've both given to God
our needs
and turn to each other
to be free
so you go be you
and i'll go and be me
remember in who
they become
it will still be "we"
cast away your doubts
i will bury mine below
i choose to love you forver
and forever you'll know