I'm in dire need of
An I.V full of tea.

Hook me up.

Feverish hands fluttered like skittish birds
Nervous eyes danced like a swan's last song
and the promise of tomorrow was left on my lips
like a sticky note.

I will always have her, nothing
can ever take her, she
is me.

But he,
he makes me fear the breeze.

Soaked with sorrow
Temperament melted away
Leaving only a feeling bereft
And the burnt up char of
remains.

First comes the flush
Then the rush of horniness
loneliness
A splash of pain
Droplets of scarlet rain
and the ****** of lingerie
Sobbing at roses
Yelling at trays
You're spotty
and bloated
and splayed on the bed like Cleopatra
drugged up on
painkillers

And the cocktail that humanity spiked with hormones

Fun.

Shoot up with Ink,
Take off the edge,
allow it to float you
down off the ledge
of destruction.

Instead place yourself
in reconstruction,
go on,
change it all;

Skin
Words
Thoughts

This drug may crawl you back to freedom

First the skin, cut to within
Slithers of scratches
Skim over your arm
doing just enough harm
To Ensure you're alive
Yet this pen's marks are
harmless enough
that they can only reach inside through your mind

You're sure to survive
you must never cut deeper
A needless nicotine patch
for a virginal physical self-harmer
Cut yourself Calmer

Here come the words,
allow verbs, vowels and nouns
to sound their way out
Say things you wish you'd said
Type things you want to shout
Find the door and safety lock
and force your way
bound out

You are Alone
but for whispered, mouthed and subtle
tone of Freedom

Relish and Revel
Search your way to hell
out here
Find the things so close,
so near,
you couldn't see them if you
tried,
they hide behind the ink.
Blink, they're gone,
splattered in the lyrics
to a lifelong song,
branded.

How could something so true, be wrong?

Allow your thoughts to be free,
be you, be me
See everything
Feel all,
Stall as you wait for the buzz to fade
You can never be sated with this
Something you can't recall
but you must always miss.

Addictions scarring, marring and barring
words always a
kiss
away from overdose,
it's so close you can taste it
Feel it's breath

When you put the pen
down

You can only feel

Bereft,
so test yourself again
Find the mental vein and
slice it open

Feel the pain of truth
Open the roof of your skull
and allow the clock to fall
Ticking
to silence
Violent peace
Calm chaos

Hyperbole
Alliteration
Oxymoronic
Nouns
Verbs
Words
Words
­Words
Think
ThInk
hInk
Ink

Ink
InkInk
InkInkInk
InkInkInkInk
InkInk

Sleep paralysis, like your body
is wearing a ice-en straight jacket
and your mouth is laced up with skin.
I could see the blanket, the pillow, I could feel
myself trapped within layers of
suffocating covers, every neurone struggling to
free my trapped limbs
sapped of strength
As though my spine had snapped, and the
length of Central Nervous System had
strapped itself to the base of my bones
I tried to yell, to scream to moan
MOVE
WAKE UP
at my body
couldn't sob
robbed of movement

I sank into the silence of a nightmare

This is what I saw there:

My childhood home, demolished, my accommodation
stood sturdy on it's grave as though it had
never existed
My Lady and My Mother were there, and they
resisted my protests, laughed cruelly in jest as they
marched into my flatmates room
I ran after them as their voices loomed like
mocking magpies
Every word a jab and peck

Then

An awful clarity
In hilarity, my flatmate jested that 'junk' had
been left in his room, but as I looked in, expecting gloom, I
saw, instead, the living room of my childhood home
Nailed down where it stood by the
additives of a university life.
I didn't see the past strife, but photographs of happy
times lay scattered or enlarged, their presence
marred by the fact
that, if they were here,
then no-one had wanted them
No one had cared
They had been left
lost
littered
scattered into the breeze of
demolition

Then calm
By the fireplace that had never been used
The adopted Nan sat and soothed by her
Life torn husband's side
Fire resided beside them as she and he
coaxed the flames across the wall
missing the grating
Every flickering flame pressed into a ball
as it spread
I lost my head staring at her peaceful white hair
She wasn't stuck in her chair
Or swathed in blankets
She looked right how she was
And I felt bad because I took a foam and
dampened the flame from the walls loam
Fearing injury I stole her
warmth
But she was always so exothermic
She doesn't haunt she fills

Willed forward with affection
But her questions sank into
a sudden guilt of my self-neglection
and as I tried
to hold
myself
together
I found my breath
was snatched
I didn't want to let her down
Couldn't bear for an
angel to see
a frown
so
I tried to catch
the tip of my mouth
and force myself to smile

But she knew all, of course she did,
and as I was marched up the aisle of
wakefulness
A single tear slid down my cheek
An emotion was allowed
to leak

Loss and Shame
Guilt and Pain

You shouldn't be like this
*Take care of yourself

If you hurt him
I will hunt you down
through the ground, dirt, even
to the grave.
There is no rock I would not raise
in search of vengeance,
if you hurt him.

And if you hurt her
There will never be a place
whence you can race to hide.
You'd be safer off with suicide
with your chances of escape.
If you hurt her.

And even then, I'd scrape up
your DNA, clone you, resurrect and
ensure that you pay for your crimes.

My Family
My Friends
My loved one's pain
shall never end with
dissatisfaction.

Hurt someone I love, and
you'll never find freedom again.

You have been warned.

Quilted silence
And folded sheets which trap memories
It's your warmth for which I long
In daytime: Lovers
In night time: Enemies
in jest
My teeth grinding in my sleep
twitching limbs flailing
Failing to remain sweet
and spooning
I wouldn't change it for the world
I'd chirp cozy
You chant "cramped"
But we both know it's my bed
On which your name is stamped.

It's in my sheets you know me
I miss the warmth
The company.

But, at least without my teeth grinding
At least without you snoring
We get to sleep at last
Memories kept warm in the past, waiting
for us to come *home

And the cloud strewn skies
Opened up their eyes and cried
Upon my upturned face

And as the thunder rolled
Alone I strolled
Turned out, and out of place

And I yelled my lies to those
Cloud strewn skies and within
I searched to erase

An upturn lip is wished to be
washed away, a roving eye is
bidden to rest

And under the sight of that
cloud strewn sky, I made
myself again,

But, this time, more than less.

Don't wanna be your final meal
Eat your own heart
And taste just how it feels
Red track marks oozing down your chin
I wonder,
Will you blame it on the ethanol again?

Because I'm not your favourite Heroine.
Not your favourite Nicotine.
Not your favourite way to shoot up or
smoke up or
Reason to stay clean.

Instead, I'm your ***** hangover, the
dregs in the syringe. Perhaps
You'd understand my bitterness if you
spent some time in the bin
Or I could save you the trouble
Smell me.
That's my stink.

I'm not your favourite heroine.
Not the soft satin of Fantasy, I'm the
Bearer of Reality
I'm Nothing
I'm Everything

I'm the water that you reach for
In the morning after sin
I'm the coffee with no sugar
I'm the box of biscuits, that turns
out to be a sewing tin.

What I'm not is another substance

Be with me in the dark and slip your arms
apart to cradle my body
To yours now.

Wait with me in the dark and watch
me embark on the journey
that I must endure now.

Listen with me in the dark and hark to
an unspoken pressure
Hear my
Pleasure
My whispers of grief
Relief
Watch as the Autumn leaf of my skin
Fades

Love is with me in the dark
As I listen to the end, and the start, of
a wave of sand.

I hold onto your hand in the dark, and watch
as your lips part in the last laugh of
un-regret.

I smell your last cigarette
Taste your last breath
and watch, bereft, yet whole,
watching time pull away
the last strand of my
summer wreath in winter,
Time so Full
that it can only Cease

Released

Time is so full
It can only
bring

Peace
now

Mind beaten black and blue
I should've told on you
But, I couldn't.

Heart of Gold,
your precious
Heart of Gold.
I've started to see it mould, and
Shrivel.

So, I cannot stay,
another day, another day
So, I have to go, before
you lose control, you lose control.

You gave me love
Then you took it away
You stole my love
I needed you to stay.

I never let others hear
The way the toys seemed to scream
I never let mother know
Things weren't quite as they seemed.
Didn't bear to see you go
So, instead, I lived in a dream.
Sleep paralysis stitching up,
stitching up my mouth,
and my seams.

But, I let it be.

Will always miss the way you hurt me
To let off steam.

So, if I had a daughter,
Would she love you like I did?
If I had a daughter
Would it cut her like a shiv?
That's what it felt like.

So if I had a daughter,
Would she love you like we did?
Like mother, like daughter,
The fear, curled up, and hidden.
That's what it feels like.

That's what it'll always feel like.

And so I'm curled up in your
Old t-shirt, wishing I
Could hold you.
My something blue,
My something borrowed from
Our platonic whole,
You'll always be the one that I
Call: mine.
Because I'll always be yours,
Come rain or shine.
Come anything.

I'm yours.

My heart races
As the last traces of
my pulse trickles
away.

Go **** Yourself,
because I never will again.

Remember when I did though.
Remember all of it.
Remember my mouth, and how
good I am down south.

I hope you remember how
good it felt to
sexually assault me
Because for you
I will remain your Frustrated
Wankstain of a memory
I will remain a dream
you stole on borrowed time.

Because you definitely didn't deserve mine, or
me.
I currently feel So ******* Free

Truth is:
We accept the love we think we deserve
and you were ******* greedy

and I am ****** glorious
So, from now on, I'm gonna go ahead and use my love
on those who deserve it; including myself.
Fuckity-Bye, you abusive, manipulative, selfish arsewipe.
Have fun ******* yourself,
knowing that I did it better.

NIN
This song is ***
Every line, beat and pulse
Is a duress of eroticism

I find myself confounded
Playing Contortion with my fingers
and thighs

I widen my eyes
and **** in my cheeks
and smile with the grimace of sleek

I take up my neck
Scrape up my hair, hunching my
shoulders, til my collar bone is bare

I squish in my ****
And I hide my arm fat, pronouncing
my ****, by arching my back

but alas

I've shoved my stomach forward
My **** appears flabby, I **** in
the stomach, delay being 'saggy'

again

I've breathed in too far,
now the waist is too large, but outwards
sees the stomach, again, far too large

so I look to my legs

I again perceive dregs, of stretchy
spotty, teenagehood, and the memories
dredge up insecurities

I tiptoe round my vessel with dread

I've thought of every possibility in my head

I've reminded myself of
health
vitality
living

Yet when I stare at the fat
I feel I give myself too much slack
*start sieving out imperfections

There is a pressure in someone needing you,
a pressure many of you will know.
It's the expectancy that you can bring to
them, some otherworldly glow.
Even though you feel your own light dimmed,
they still wish for you to help them with theirs,
unaware that others face issues too.

Sometimes you need escape, from
everyone and everything.
Sometimes you need...normality. Sometimes.

What can I give you?
You're busy, well, I'm busy too,
busy-ness and stress are not things
specific only to you.

There is only so much I can do.
When I have work, and
family and
friends and I haven't
seen Dad in weeks and
everything is laying
once again in tatters, as always,
but never mind because all that
matters is that there
is always that
one last thing to
mend.

That one thing.
Sometimes it's me,
sometimes it's a boy or girl,
sometimes it's a friend
or a loved one
or an unfixable object.

Sometimes, darling, it's you.

You have no idea how much I want to help you.

I'm trying. Give me that.
Fine, I ****** up, but
I'm human too.
I'm imperfect and selfish, but
so is everyone,
including you.

I am no angel, you thought
too much.
I have fought, and will continue
to fight on your side, but I'll
not abide you placing on
me so much pressure,
I cannot always be the cheshire
cat of smiles, cannot always be
lost, cannot always be drifting.
Sometimes I'm just tired, over worked
but happy.
Which isn't so bad to be.

I don't like people seeing me weak,
I detest the fact that I turn
so meek at the mere sight of
people.
I don't want you to pity me.

I want you to be my friend.
You are my friend,
I've given you my trust,
why can't you see how tough
that was to give?
I'm not about to give up on you,
so don't give up on me.

I enjoy spending time with you,
love laughing at your jokes,
messing with your gelled up hair
and thinking that, for a couple of minutes,
I took away the cares that bothered you.

You cannot disbelieve that which is true.

Darling, sometimes I need space,
I need sleep and peace, with
no pressure to be perfect.
Sometimes I cancel plans, but
there is always a reason, a valid excuse,
and I would rather I
didn't turn to find abuse for this.

When I've had to go to a funeral and,
for once, would like someone near at
night, which recently has caused me fright to be alone,
the right response is
to wish for my boy to be near.

So I did. I told you. I felt bad.

I feel sad that you're aching,
but everybody hurts.

After a bonfire, when I
can't get back til late, and
I feel tired and weighted down
with aches and bruises, I tend
to lose my wish to hitchhike
home, so that I can feel bad
for feeling sleepy.
So I can feel bad for keeping
you waiting.

In that moment, all I want is
coffee, and near
friends and tea.

Whatever you wanted me to be,
it wasn't human.
It wasn't me.

Fine, I'm ****,
I'm a ***** and
a ***, and obviously
don't care at all, but after
all these years I have the
***** to say something to
your face (well..computer screen).

Don't you dare erase me.
Not after all of this.

I'm dyslexic, naturally
disorganised, my sense of
time and calendar is catastrophic and
I'm forever full of work and
dance and sleep.

But you're going to keep me,
please,
because I don't deserve to be
ditched.

If you don't agree, then you're the *****.

Alternating;
Crying
Eating
and Fending off
Horniness.