Fear teaches me, sort of aimlessly.

Blaming a resilience I wish I'd seen,
The punch I wish I’d been -
A prey I wished I'd hit.

Overshadowing the dopamine I’d like to feel.

Via guilt-induced tears, effortfully shield-building
Via timeless dampening -
I’m nervously standing, brainlessly censoring.

But never has anger crossed that brain,
Never have I ever played this game.

I’ve internalised invisibility,
Learned to distrust my own adequacy.

Sometime after shedding acquired skin,
I started to scream;

Craving to feel seen eventually gets boring.

Designing for someone else
Wasn’t meant to bend yet felt;
Then I fell.

Into a shroud of contradiction,
Refused to flatten expectations -
Uncontrollably muting conformation.

My root country hits number 1 in poverty
My adopted land feeds on misogyny
I worry -
Will anyone fancy me?

Emitting excessive carbon dioxide
We overhear yet choose to hide
Can’t utter the word genocide.

I’m terrified.
Never mind the political divide -
I'm just spiralling, my job's rather boring,
Public speaking is frightening.

Also, the US’s worryingly embarrassing
Ukraine can’t seem to win and Yemen’s endlessly starving
It’s wildly concerning -
The acne growing on my skin.

As for my third country, we defy regularly
the French are praised for protesting
‘Collective dispute for systemic integrity.’

It all sounds empowering -
But I gained 10 kilos and it’s dismorphing.

Against life, we grew wiser
Rooftop dancing at golden hour,
Theorising on human behaviour.

The music made us tougher,
**** - supposedly smarter
We were promised a future; 'brighter'.

Yet nothing cut greater than trusting her.

//

Risking safety to feel folly,
Thriving in co-dependency -
She made me lonely.

But our jaws and belly both hurtful, I was thankful
To laugh so freely, hide carelessly empty -

We built a nest of sufficiency for what felt like a century.

Still lonely, though
Shamefully hoping one day she’d hate me so.

Against my will, I’ve acquired this skill.
I’ve mastered the art of fault-picking,
I excel at depreciating.

Still, urgently seeking something diminishing,
Secretly yearning -
To combat flaws I’m dissecting.

For some sort of force to pull me?
Up to standards I don’t fulfil,
Down from aching self-worth, still.

And just like my dad,
I mask my sad.

Mutually we intellectualise our wounds,
Seemingly, we’re bound.

Engouffrée sous mes draps
Je ne rêve même pas.

Les faits sont ils; bien présents
Il en aura fallu du temps.

Et le coeur battant,
Je médite le néant.

Sat for dinner, let’s have a meal
I’m gazing left and right,
The goal's to avoid eye contact.

Swallowing,
The taste is alright but I can’t hold a fight.

That masterly skill -
A simmered misery,
Served daily.

Cooking the exact words to belittle
My stomach grows humble.

///

Parents,
I’d like to be brave but I bury
In spite of my age I hurry.

Whether from arrogance or negligence, I yawn at their stance
Not a chance I’ll advance.

Science tends to disagree - research believes in therapy
As far as claiming it'd make me happy.

        'Have a 30-minute walk each day',  
She dares to say as I continue to pay.
        'You carry trauma from your childhood'
        'Navigate your thoughts and it’ll affect your mood'.

Sorry doctor, I’m lacking modesty -
I seem unable to take you seriously and seeing you hurts violently.
I could easily earn your degree.

Undoubtedly, people will say:
        'How can she expect to be okay?'
        'She's abusing of her sick leave pay'
        'In no way committed to her healing journey'.

To which I’ll roll my eyes at any day.

C’est parce que, dès lors que je touche une note,
J’ai l’impression qu’elle sonne faux.

Parce que je me déteste au moment où je rate un panier,
Un saut d’obstacle,
Un verbe irrégulier.

I crave it quite urgently
He says endearingly.

Masked in nonchalance,
unjustifiably insolent -
I blast in trance.

A decade later, I fluster.
At the sound of his home keys -
He puts a nose on his smileys.

         Some Lowly to cool,
         Some Shitkid to fuel.

A couple of beers?
He sheds a few tears.

Some claim I’m rather edgy
They look up to my serenity
Idealise my brain capacity -
I’ve even been told I’m pretty

And I won’t make a scene,
  disproportionally adjust to your screen
  ask about you despite me,
I’ll hug you without editing

Oddly lonely for the time being.

       See you in another film -
        Your eyes intimidate me
         You don’t seem to need any
          The script's too good for me.